


Call it Fate or Confusion

by destroyedspectacularly



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Anxiety Attacks, Barebacking, Blow Jobs, Crying, Facials, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Frottage, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, M/M, Making Out, Marijuana, Masturbation, Mutual Masturbation, Pining, Recreational Drug Use, Riding, Rimming, Sharing a Bed, Shotgunning, Slow Burn, an impressive amount of denial
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-17
Updated: 2017-08-20
Packaged: 2018-11-15 01:27:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 100,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11220384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/destroyedspectacularly/pseuds/destroyedspectacularly
Summary: When Ray leaves to college and moves in with his best friend Michael, he expects everything to be the way it always was, with the added advantage of them finally being on their own.Then he meets Ryan. And he meets Ryan again. Then things don't really feel the same as they always did anymore, and he's not sure why.





	1. Chapter 1

Ray was laid out on his bed, trying to figure out what the fuck he was going to do considering he didn’t have another class for a few hours. He was thinking he was going to jerk off but he wasn’t sure if he was like _feeling_ it. Mostly he didn’t want to have to clean up a mess, or have to change clothes. Instead he was staring blankly up at his ceiling wondering if it would be shitty of him to show up to class high on the first day. Then Michael walked into his room staring at his phone, and greeted Ray in his usual loud way.  
  
“What’s up asshole?” he left the door open and tossed himself onto Ray’s twin sized bed.  
  
Ray sighed. He’d known Michael all his life, and personal space wasn’t his strong suit in any sense of the word. He’d crashed through Ray’s barriers years ago. Though he was sure to find a few new barriers to break through now that they shared an apartment together.  
  
“Well I was trying to decide between smoking a bowl and jerking off. But since you’re here I guess I’m just gonna jerk off,” Ray said, reaching for the button of his jeans. Michael laughed and smacked his hand away from his dick.  
  
“You’re such a prick,” Michael said.  
  
“Maybe I wouldn’t be if you just let me jerk off-,”  
  
“Shut up dumbass- where’s your weed?” Michael asked, already rummaging around in Ray’s nightstand drawer, answering his own question when he finds it.  
  
Then Michael’s passing him a pipe and Ray sat up to take a hit.  
  
Ray was sure that if this was what college was going to be like for the next few years, then he was either gonna have a good time, or get bored really fucking quick. Michael was sitting glued to his side as he answered texts, Ray stared at the ceiling again and wondered if this was what all friends do.  
  
“Dude, Jack was telling me that there’s gonna be this party at his place tonight,” Michael glanced at him as Ray tried not to tense. Ray didn’t do parties. It was always a lot of people he didn’t know acting stupid together. He respected it, but it wasn’t always his thing. Michael knew this, and had been actively fighting it since high school.  
  
So Ray had spent a lot of time wandering around parties for Michael’s sake.  
  
“It’s supposed to be fun, you in?” Michael asked, hopefully.  
  
Ray scratched the back of his neck idly, letting the high make him comfortable with telling Michael no.  
  
“Sorry dude, I think I just wanna lay low for a while, y’know?” Ray responded, and Michael nodded understandingly, “Maybe next time.”  
  
“Alright, I’ll let it slide. Let me know if you change your mind though, it’ll be way better if you come.” Michael’s phone made a soft noise as he sent a message to Jack, and Ray blew smoke out of his nose and chuckled.  
  
“Michael, I’m a fucking dragon.”  
  
Michael looked up at him and laughed loudly and Ray smirked. They played Zombies in Call of Duty for a while, until Ray remembered he had class and had to stumble around his room looking for his backpack before taking off (the backpack had been right next to his shoes and- oh shit he needed to put on his shoes).  
  
Ray took the short stroll to school leisurely, already sure he was late and not sure he was going to make it at all. He probably wouldn’t be in college at all if it hadn’t been for Michael. He had sat around for weeks avoiding college applications while Michael nudged and poked at him to fucking fill out _something_ at _least_. Finally Ray gave in when Michael had written up half of his application for UT Austin, the school Michael had already been accepted to. Ray wasn’t really interested in school, but he was interested in getting the fuck away from home, so he was grateful in the end.  
  
He was squinting at the university map on his phone, eventually walking into a room he thought was the right one and clearly interrupting class with his lateness. The whole room turned to look at him as he slammed the door open, he just mumbled, “Excuse me,” and sat in the nearest empty desk. The professor shrugged and went on mumbling monotonously about the syllabus.  
  
It was a small class, Ray noticed as he doodled in the margins of his empty notebook. TV had always convinced him that college classes would be auditorium-sized monstrosities, so this was a welcome surprise. Ray briefly wondered what time the class was supposed to end, when he felt someone tap lightly on his shoulder. Ray jumped out of his fucking skin and turned around to see who it was.  
  
Blue eyes. That was the first thing that Ray saw, and then once he was stuck on his eyes it was like Ray was dying to look anywhere else because the eyes… were intense. He settled on staring at the guy’s mouth, which was a good idea because if he hadn’t read his lips he probably wouldn’t have understood when the guy whispered.  
  
“D’you need to take a picture of my syllabus? He’s not putting it online,” the lips said, attached to what Ray realized was a nice-looking face. He looked like a nice person, this blue-eyed dude. Ray didn’t _want_ to fucking take a picture of the syllabus, but he nodded anyway, taking the syllabus as it was offered to him.  
  
As he waited for his camera app to open on his piece of shit phone, he read the first page for lack of something to do and felt strangely watched by the blue-eyed guy.  
  
**Intro to Business Programming**  
  
What the fuck.  
  
“What the fuck,” Ray mumbled, taking a few pictures blindly, and then handed the packet back to the guy. He didn’t register for Intro to Business Programming. Then how was he in this class? This was supposed to be College Algebra.  
  
He stared at the pictures he took of the syllabus and then looked at the room number it had printed on the page. 206. He scrolled through the pictures until he found the screenshot of his schedule. 205.  
  
He was in the wrong fucking room.  
  
“Oh my god.” Ray sighed to himself pathetically. He turned back around to the dude.  
  
“When does this class end?” Ray asked, and the guy checked his phone before answering.  
  
“Like five minutes.”  
  
“Oh. Thanks dude,” Ray said and then turned around again. _Fuck._ No point in walking out now. His leg shook restlessly as he waited for the professor to let them go. When he finally did, Ray wanted to race out of there, but didn’t really see the point, so instead he slowly put his shit in his bag and got up at to leave.  
  
“Hey,” someone said, and Ray kept walking, assuming it was meant for someone else. Then there was a hand on his shoulder and he flinched, frowning to himself for being so jumpy all the damn time. He turned around, and it was blue-eyes, or whatever the fuck this guy’s name was.  
  
“Oh. Hi.” Ray said, noticing how tall the guy was when he made eye contact with the dude’s collarbones.  
  
“I’m Ryan,” the dude said pleasantly. Ryan.  
  
“Ryan,” Ray said, trying to do the thing that helps you remember names, “I’m Ray.”  
  
“Cool. So, uh, I don’t know if you heard the professor, but he was talking about a group project thing, and we only need one other guy if you wanna-,” Ryan said gesturing to some guys behind him and Ray was flushed with embarrassment as he interrupted.  
  
“Listen, I straight-up walked into the wrong class, so you’re just wasting your time,” Ray said bluntly, staring at Ryan’s collarbones and slowly making the trip up to his actual face.  
  
“Oh,” Ryan chuckled awkwardly, adjusting his backpack over his shoulder, “Why didn’t you just leave?”  
  
“Because I’m a fucking idiot, apparently,” Ray replied, looking at his nose now.  
  
“Nah, you’re fine,” Ryan smiled.  
  
Ray shrugged and after a short silence between them made to leave, his jaw clenching idly as he spun away, and Ryan called out after him.  
  
“I guess I’ll see you around?”  
  
“Maybe,” Ray said back, trudging out of the room and pulling out his phone to call Michael.  
  
**  
  
“You _what?”_ Michael shouted, followed by a cackle. Ray let him laugh for a bit as he walked out of the building. He heard a voice on the other side of the line, like Michael was with someone.  
  
“Yep. Wrong fucking class. And then some dude stopped me to ask if I wanted to be in his group… Stop fucking laughing I look like a moron!” Ray yelled into the phone, a few passing people turning to look at him. Ray walked away from the building a little faster.  
  
“God, you _are_ a moron. Were you still high when you left?”  
  
“Take a fucking guess, dude.” Ray mumbled.  
  
Michael laughed again, and Ray could definitely hear someone in the background of the call.  
  
“Who the fuck are you with?” Ray asked.  
  
“Some british prick,” Michael replied. Ray shook his head, laughing as he heard, “Oi!” loud and clear in the background.  
  
“You make the weirdest fucking friends,” Ray said. Michael was always fast to make friends with whoever the fuck was around. It had its ups and downs, but the ups were people like Geoff and Jack, so it was worth it.  
  
“Yeah, have you seen yourself lately dude?” Michael laughed and Ray rolled his eyes.  
  
“You can’t see me, but I’m flipping you off.”  
  
“Good, I fucking hate you,” Michael laughed.  
  
“Aw, that’s so sweet I hate you too, freckles,” Ray said in a ridiculous voice.  
  
“Come meet us, I got you some shitty pizza.”  
  
“Fuck yeah. I’m on my way.” Ray said, hanging up and looking at the school map on his phone again.  
  
**  
  
Ray met Michael and (“Hey, uh, who are you?” “Oh, I’m Gavin,”) Gavin and they left back to Ray and Michael’s apartment after wolfing down the pizza.  
  
“So, you coming to this party or what Ray?” Gavin asked as he crashed into the sofa. Michael shoved him over to make room for him and Ray to sit. They only had the one couch, and their TV was on the floor but it was all they really needed. The apartment was pretty bare beyond that, except for the boxes of crap that were stacked along the walls. They figured they’d get to them eventually.  
  
“Uh, I don’t know.” Ray said, surprising himself since he already told Michael no.  
  
“Oh, are you thinking about it now?” Michael sat up with interest. Michael raised his eyebrows at Ray and Ray sighed internally. He exposed a “maybe” to Michael and Michael always fucking knew how to turn Ray’s maybe into a “Fuck it, why not.”  
  
“Michael-,”  
  
“Ray, come _on,_ what are you gonna do by yourself all night?” Michael whined, grabbing Ray’s shoulders and shaking him as he did.  
  
“Maybe I’ll finally get to jerk off,” Ray laughed out.  
  
“You have your _whole life_ to jerk off, Ray!” Gavin said, laughing along with him.  
  
It did seem kind of sad, staying home from the first party of his college life or whatever, but how sad was it really? He was probably just gonna get high and play video games, it’s not like he was going to stay home and cry while watching sad movies. Well he might cry, but probably not at the same time as watching a sad movie. At least not on purpose. Whatever- the point was, that even if he did, no one would find out because he’d be alone and not at a crowded party with strangers.  
  
“I’m gonna pass guys,” Ray said and they groaned in unison, “No hard feelings, I’m just tired.”  
  
“From what, going to the wrong class and talking to a whole entire person afterwards?” Michael joked.  
  
“Yeah, you know my limit is like two conversations per week.” Ray said. Michael ignored him in favor of talking to Gavin.  
  
“You a party boy, Gavin?”  
  
“Yeah!” Gavin replied enthusiastically.  
  
“Ray, you’ve officially been replaced, get your shit and get out.” Michael said.  
  
Ray got up, making his way to his room, “Don’t need to tell me twice, dude.”  
  
“Ray!” Michael yelled just as Ray got to his door. Ray stopped and turned around dramatically, playing along.  
  
“I… I’ll always love you!” Michael screamed, clutching his chest and collapsing back against the couch. Ray tried to school his face into something solemn as Gavin laughed his fucking ass off beside Michael.  
  
“Well, I NEVER LOVED YOU!” Ray shouted dramatically before stepping into his room and slamming the door shut. He stood by the door for a minute, just smiling at the sounds of Michael and Gavin giggling on the couch until their laughter turned into murmurs of conversation. Ray had already seen that look of awe in Gavin’s eyes that people got from just being around Michael, so he was sure he would be seeing Gavin again. Michael had that effect on people, like a laugh that made you want to laugh even if you didn’t get the joke.  
  
He sighed, and rested his head against his door as he stood there for a while longer. God, he felt like such an idiot for missing class like that. And on top of that being found out by that fucking guy in the programming class. Ryan. With those blue eyes that were kind of stuck in his head. Christ.  
  
What ever happened to the ‘no one talks to each other unless it’s strictly necessary’ part of college life? And Ray had been such a prick to him too, he had seemed like an alright guy. Ray shut his eyes warily as he dropped himself onto his mattress.  
  
“I’m an asshole,” he muttered to himself under his breath before falling asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An idea that I had that developed into whatever this is going to end up as, now in full color!  
> Lol. I'm posting the first two (or three?) chapters today, and we'll see where it goes from there!  
> Thanks for reading!  
> As always, leave a comment letting me know what you think and leave kudos if you liked it! ♥


	2. Chapter 2

When he woke up it was to a message from Michael and their front door slamming closed. Ray dug around in his pockets until his phone slipped out so he could read the message.  
  
**Michael: hey didn’t wanna wake u up we just took off**  
  
**Michael: lmk if ur gonna come out after all**  
  
Ray barely reacted to Michael’s last ditch attempt to get him to come out. They had left, and that was all Ray needed to feel relieved from the social obligation. He sat up and wormed out of his pants and then grabbed his Xbox controller. He was just gonna play for a few hours, smoke, jerk off, and repeat until he got hungry.  
  
A few hours later, he was bored and high and hungry, and it was precisely when he got up to go look in the fridge that he realized that they had no fucking food. His head made a low _thud_ sound against the closed fridge door when he realized that, although there were a few other solutions to getting food in his _dire hour of need,_ the easiest and most free was one block over at Jack’s place.  
  
“Fuck me,” Ray said, grabbing his phone to type out a message to Michael.  
  
**Ray: tell me there’s no food at the party**  
  
**Michael: pizza just got delivered**  
  
**Ray: fuck my fucking life**  
  
**Michael: did u just rmbr we didnt get groceries ? :-)**  
  
**Ray: fuck u**  
  
**Ray: …**  
  
**Ray: im omw**  
  
**Michael: :-)**  
  
Ray sighed dramatically and stomped back to his room to pull on his jeans and grab a hoodie. He took another few hits from his pipe, staring at himself in the mirror warily as he did. He looked tired, but he always looked tired so really he just looked fucking normal. He tried to convince himself of this as he hyped himself up to be around people again.  
  
He locked the door behind him (something Michael didn’t fucking do before he left) and dragged himself down the street toward Jack’s place. Jack’s parents had rented a small-ish house for him near campus, and Ray had been there with Michael more than a few times. He lived with Geoff and usually a third person they rented the extra room to for the semester, and the place was the reason why Ray and Michael lived just one block away. When Jack and Geoff had graduated and left them alone at that shitty high school back home, it fucking killed Michael. So Ray was happy to pay a little more for rent for a place closer to Jack’s house if it meant he didn’t have to see Michael so sad all the time.  
  
Ray could feel the music buzzing on his skin as he approached the door to the house, like the bass was just under the ground beneath his feet. Ray took one last minute to brace himself, letting in a single shaky breath before he yanked open the door to the blast of music. He was immediately tackled by a very drunk Michael, and they landed in a heap on the fucking ground, Ray flat on his back as Michael fucking hollered on top of him.  
  
“EVERYBODY! MY BEST FRIEND RAY IS HERE AND HE IS THE FUCKING BEST!” he screamed at the top of his lungs. Ray was trying to get the breath back into his body when he made eye contact with Gavin who was standing above them giggling into a red cup. Michael leaned in and placed a fat wet kiss on his forehead and then rolled off of him to go bother someone else. Ray laughed helplessly as Gavin reached a hand down to help him up.  
  
“How is he so drunk already?” Ray wheezed out when he was in a standing position again.  
  
“Some guy named Geoff made him do shots right when we got in the damn door, that’s how,” Gavin laughed as they watched Michael squeeze through the crowd of dancing people to take the limelight. He was a fucking awful dancer, but he looked like he was having a good time.  
  
Ray stood with Gavin for a minute or so to watch Michael pull in strangers to dance with him, laughing as they talked about Michael’s uncanny ability to get people to do whatever he wanted them to. When Michael had so many people around him that Ray couldn’t distinguish his body from the others, Ray decided it was time to find food.  
  
“Hey, I’m gonna go find pizza,” Ray yelled over the boom of the music, and Gavin nodded. Ray spun around to head to the kitchen, and this of course was the moment the high decided to hit him decisively hard.  
  
He clutched Gavin’s shoulder for balance for a moment- Gavin gripping his forearm as he did, asking, “You alright mate?”- Ray tried to give a nod and then pushed off of him so that he had the momentum to move forward. He could hear Gavin’s chuckle as he stumbled away, but Ray was on a fucking _mission._  
  
He had been in Jack’s house so many times it was practically more his house than Jack’s, but with it filled to the brim with all these fucking _strangers,_ Ray could barely recognize the damn place, let alone navigate his way to the kitchen. Especially while fucking high. He was moving through the crowd like Dora the fucking explorer, every thirty seconds muttering, “Where’s the _fucking kitchen,_ Boots?”  
  
He eventually found himself in the middle of a crowd in either the living room or the game room, and that’s when he started freaking out a bit. He couldn’t see anyone he recognized and he was well on his fucking way to convincing himself that he wasn’t even in Jack’s house anymore when he pulled one of his little anxiety hat tricks out of the back pocket of his mind.  
  
His mom used to tell him when he was younger that if he was ever lost and scared to get to a wall and follow it until he found the exit. She said that if he did that whenever he lost her in a crowded place, she would always find him. As Ray got older, it became a strategy to escape whenever he was overwhelmed in a crowded room. And a reminder of his mom.  
  
Ray stared at the ground and started walking, moving through the crowd until he reached a wall. He put a hand on the wall and followed it until he found himself in a dark hallway that had four doors. He knew this hallway, and he knew that the doors were three bedrooms and a bathroom. He laughed nervously to himself, muffling it with the sleeve of his hoodie, because he couldn’t fucking remember which was which.  
  
Ray glanced between each of the doors and then spun in a circle, deciding to open whatever door he ended up facing. He stopped and was facing the door at the end of the hall on the left.  
  
“Let’s see what’s behind door number three, Bob,” Ray whispered to himself, giggling again as he reached a hand out to turn the knob. He turned around to make sure no one saw him going into the room, and walked in backwards, closing the door with a quiet _click._ He rested his forehead against the cool surface of the door for a second, and enjoyed the almost-silence. Through the thin walls of the room he could hear the muted tones of the song Africa, and it almost sounded nicer that way, Ray thought.  
  
Finally he turned around, and was immediately faced with an honest-to-god person right fucking in front of him.  
  
“Oh _SHIT,”_ Ray said, crumpling to the ground in surprise.  
  
His dumb high ass was staring at the legs of this dude in complete disbelief of the fact that there had been a whole four (4) doors for him to choose from and he chose the _one fucking room_ that had someone in it. Of course he did.  
  
“Uh, are you lost dude? … Wait, are you- _Ray?”_ the voice said and Ray was too fucking high for whatever this was. His eyes traveled up for what felt like god damn ages in the biggest moment of suspense of Ray’s entire fucking _existence_ until he reached the general face area of this guy. Ray’s brain took a second and then the light came on.  
  
_“Ryan?”_ he said in confusion. Ryan chuckled and Ray was really fucking confused.  
  
“I don’t get it,” Ray said, gesturing to the room as he spoke, “What are you, like, doing _here?”_ Ray took a moment to look around the room. It was pretty clean, which was definitely a sign that it wasn’t Jack or Geoff’s room.  
  
“I think I should be asking _you_ that,” Ryan said, offering Ray a hand. Ray took it and then he was just standing in this room with Ryan while Africa continued on through the chorus on the other side of the wall. Ray felt like he slipped into a hole to another fucking universe, but, then again, he was still high.  
  
Ray found himself stuck staring right into Ryan’s fucking blue-as-the-god-damn-sky eyes, neither of them saying anything, and after a bit Ray found himself nodding along to the music. Ryan’s face changed a little at that, like his confusion was melting into something softer. Eventually Ryan broke out into this quiet laughter that made Ray pause and laugh with him. What the fuck were they doing?  
  
“Are you _high?”_ Ryan eventually said, and Ray laughed even harder, nodding.  
  
“Um, I was looking for the kitchen and then I started freaking out,” Ray said after he stopped laughing, staring at the ground between their feet, “So I was just looking for a room to calm down in.”  
  
Ryan smiled sympathetically, “Well, uh, you’re welcome to chill here for a bit if you want. I have some pizza-,”  
  
“Oh _fuck yes,"_ Ray said, spotting the open box on Ryan’s desk. He rushed past Ryan towards it and stopped just short of taking a slice, “Uh, may I?”  
  
Ryan chuckled and nodded as he sat down on his desk chair. Ray moaned excessively into a bite of pizza and was met by Ryan’s amused stare.  
  
“Don’t judge me,” Ray said through a mouthful of pizza. Ryan chuckled and motioned to his bed.  
  
“Don’t have any other chairs, but you can sit on the bed,” he said. Ray glanced at Ryan’s well-made bed hesitantly, but knew that he didn’t have it in him to stand the whole time he was in Ryan’s room. _Ryan’s room._  
  
Ray made himself comfortable cross-legged on Ryan’s bed and said, “So you _do_ live here then?”  
  
Ryan smirked, “What tipped you off?”  
  
Ray laughed, “I’ve known Geoff and Jack since high school, just figured I might know who their new roommate was.”  
  
Ryan hummed before he responded, “I actually just met them a few weeks ago. Just finished moving in last week.”  
  
“No shit?” Ray said, and Ryan nodded, “That’s… weird,”  
  
“What is?” Ryan asked.  
  
“Well, like, I just had that embarrassing run-in with you _today,”_ Ray said and Ryan looked down and snickered to himself, “And I wasn’t even gonna _come_ to this party! What the _fuck.”_  
  
Ryan looked up at that, “Why not?”  
  
Ray shrugged and took another bite of pizza, “Not my thing.”  
  
“And yet,” Ryan gestured around them, “You’re here. How’d that happen?”  
  
Ray held up the near-finished slice of pizza, “You’re looking right at it. I wanted food, party had free food. One plus one equals two and Ray plus food equals fucking _nice,”_  
  
Ryan smiled and Ray kept eating pizza. Ray was trying to focus on the pizza more than the fact that he was sitting in a near-stranger’s room and eating his pizza. Ryan was being way nicer than Ray would have been had somebody he barely knew barged into his room, high as fuck and asking for pizza. He wasn’t sure whether to be suspicious or not yet. They were quiet for a minute, then Ryan looked up and broke the silence.  
  
“It wasn’t embarrassing,” he said.  
  
Ray raised an eyebrow in confusion and Ryan sputtered, continuing, “When we met. In class. Well- _my_ class, not your class. Anyway, it wasn’t that bad.”  
  
Ray groaned as he recalled the encounter, “You don’t have to lie to me, man, I’ve had enough experience to know an embarrassing put-it-into-the-vault-and-never-speak-of-it-again moment when I see one, and _that_ was one of them,”  
  
Ryan laughed again and Ray smiled at the sound of it, “Do all your embarrassing moments involve you walking into the wrong room?” Ryan asked teasingly.  
  
Ray’s eyes widened, “What the _fuck!_ Do you see what I mean?!” Ray yelled, “Coincidences are for the weak-minded man, this is like _fate_ … or aliens.”  
  
“Or a sign that you should stop getting baked before going places?” Ryan said amused by Ray’s insistence on it being more than what it was.  
  
“How would _you_ know if I was high when I walked into your class?” Ray said, squinting skeptically.  
  
“Do you _really_ want me to answer that?” Ryan responded, laughing. Before Ray could respond, Ryan was stood up and then standing in front of the bedroom door.  
  
“Okay, I’m gonna walk out and then walk back in as you,” Ryan said, giggling and then stepping through the bedroom door. There was a small moment where Ray was alone in Ryan’s room and it started to feel… easy. And nice. He usually didn’t get this comfortable in someone else’s space so fast, but it wasn’t so bad in Ryan’s room- almost better than Ray’s room at the apartment. It didn’t feel like it belonged to him yet, but this felt… welcoming.  
  
Then Ryan opened the door suddenly so that it banged against the wall, and looked taken aback at the sound it had made. Ray was laughing immediately at Ryan’s rendition of Ray being high. Ryan grabbed the door handle and slowly wobbled it closed, a confused look on his face. He walked further into the room and hit the bed, spinning around in a circle and then vaguely patting the bed in apology. Then he felt along the bed with his hands until he sat down next to Ray with a vacant look on his face.  
  
“And scene!” Ryan said, laughing as Ray clapped at the performance. Ryan was now sitting pretty close to Ray on the bed and their laughter kind of faded out while Ray became very fucking aware of that.  
  
“Tell me that you’re exaggerating,” Ray said after a minute, “there’s no fucking way I was that bad.”  
  
Ryan gave an amused apologetic face, “You looked like… like you accidentally crashed someone’s wedding but didn’t want to be rude about it.”  
  
Ray put his face in his hands and bemoaned himself, laughing. At least he didn’t have to go back to that class. As he laughed, Ray was making little micromovements away from Ryan on the bed, hoping that Ryan wouldn’t notice and get offended. As usual, Ray missed the mark on subtlety.  
  
“Oh shit, sorry,” Ryan said when he noticed Ray trying to move out of the space, “you’re uncomfortable.” Ryan got up to sit back in the desk chair and Ray caught him by the hem of his shirt.  
  
“I don’t wanna exile you from your own bed, dude, I’ll- I’ll just scoot over,” Ray said. Ray constantly did this and it gave people a bad vibe about him. He couldn’t help it though, and he doesn’t understand why people feel so hurt when he tries to put more physical space between them.  
  
“You sure?” Ryan asked.  
  
“Yeah, dude come on,” Ray said, scooting so he was leaning back on Ryan’s pillow, and Ryan had room to sit closer to the foot of the bed. Ryan shrugged but sat down back on the bed, thankfully. Ryan had probably been the first person to not have a negative reaction to Ray’s personal space thing. Or at least, positive in a way that Ray appreciated. When Michael realized it, his solution was to condition Ray out of it. And he meant it with love, for sure, but Ray wasn’t thrilled about it.  
  
Ray stared at the gap of soft sheets between them and said, “Uh, thanks. For. Understanding, I guess.” Ray could feel his face flush and refused to look up and meet Ryan’s eyes.  
  
“No big deal. I used to get like that a lot when my anxiety was bad. Not so much anymore.” Ryan said, and Ray looked up. Ryan was looking out the window beside his desk, his eyes glazed over like he was watching a memory on the other side of the window. He snapped back almost immediately, turning to meet Ray’s gaze, to which Ray immediately shifted his gaze to Ryan’s mouth.  
  
“Now I just pick up prescription meds I’m supposed to be taking and sell them,” Ryan shrugged. Ray raised his eyebrows at that.  
  
“Huh. You didn’t strike me as the type. What do you have?” Ray asked.  
  
“Xanax,” Ryan replied, moving closer to Ray so that he could reach the nightstand. He pulled out a bottle of pills and tossed them into Ray’s lap, before sitting back on the bed. He was a little closer to Ray now, but not by much.  
  
Ray picked up the small orange bottle and read the label, “Taken by mouth 3 times daily.” Ray couldn’t afford to go to a therapist to get meds. But everyone he had ever talked to said the same thing Ryan was basically saying, they don’t like taking the drugs. At least, not as treatment. Most of the people Ray knew took Xanax to get high and that was it.  
  
“How much?” Ray said, tossing the bottle back to Ryan.  
  
Ryan caught the bottle deftly, and scanned Ray with his eyes, “Friends don’t pay,” Ryan said after a minute, tossing the bottle back to Ray. Ray smiled to himself at that, that Ryan already considered him a friend, and then lifted the bottle up and quirked an eyebrow at Ryan.  
  
“Well, friend guy, wanna get high?” Ray said, holding the bottle up menacingly like they were in an after school special where Ray was the heathen who was trying to pressure Ryan into doing drugs. Ryan tried to act scandalized but his laugh rang clearly in the room.  
  
“Fuck it,” Ryan said.


	3. Chapter 3

And that’s how Ray and Ryan ended up laying down on Ryan’s carpeted floor, eating pizza messily and talking fucking nonsense. Ryan had been doing most of the talking, and Ray was hanging on his every word. He was explaining a story about a time when he had gotten trapped on the roof of his previous apartment complex and had tried scaling the side of the building to get back into his apartment through a window.  
  
“I’m climbing down the- what’s it called the- rain gutter! And I get a foothold on what I _thought_ was the ledge of the window to my apartment,” Ryan slurred out, holding back laughter.  
  
“Oh my god. Oh my god,” Ray said.  
  
“I manage to get the window open… and I fall into the living room,”  
  
“Oh my _god,”_  
  
“And- take a guess- it wasn’t my place,” Ryan said and Ray was practically rolling around on the ground with laughter.  
  
“An old lady came at me with a broom shouting and beating the shit out of me!” Ryan yelled, and Ray couldn’t fucking breathe from laughter, “Sure it’s funny now, but I almost got charged with breaking and entering!”  
  
Ray was gasping for breath and Ryan couldn’t help but laugh with him, both of them laughing and trying to eat pizza at the same time.  
  
This is how Jack found them when he walked into Ryan’s room unexpectedly.  
  
“Whoa, d’you ever knooock, Jack?” Ryan slurred around a mouthful of pizza. Ray laughed as sauce dripped down Ryan’s chin.  
  
“I’ve _been_ knocking dude,” Jack said, slightly annoyed.  
  
“Oh… my bad,” Ryan said, widening his eyes at Ray who just shrugged.  
  
“Anyway, you’re sober right?”  
  
“Rrrelatively speaking,” Ryan said, and Ray failed to stifle another snicker. Ryan shoved his shoulder, motioning for him to play it cool.  
  
“Great, we need you to make a liquor run, I’ll text you a list, yeah?” Jack said quickly before ducking out of the room before Ryan could respond.  
  
“Uhhhh, sure?” Ryan said to the empty doorway. He turned to Ray who had devolved into a fit of giggles once more. Ryan smiled and got up, looking around for his shoes.  
  
“Wait, you’re… actually going?” Ray asked as Ryan slipped on his shoes.  
  
“Yeah, you comin’?” Ryan asked, holding out a hand to help Ray up. Ray grabbed it without thinking and got to his feet.  
  
“Yeah,” Ray said.  
  
Then they had to navigate through the party to get out of the front door. Which was a lot harder on Xanax for whatever reason. Ray quickly found that unless he was attached to Ryan somehow, he was gonna fucking lose him in the crowd. So Ray’s sleepy stupor had him holding onto Ryan’s beltloops as they knocked into person after person trying to get to the door. When they finally reached the front door, Ray had ended up with his arms fully looped around Ryan’s waist, falling asleep against the almost too-hot expanse of Ryan’s back. His t-shirt was soft against Ray’s cheek and for a minute he felt like he was actually in his bed back home and this was all a dream.  
  
He’s startled awake by Ryan tapping on Ray’s wrist, “Hey wake up, I’m trying to open the door.” Ray opened his eyes and slipped his arms away from Ryan to see what he was doing. He blinked blearily at the sight of Ryan flipping through his keys.  
  
“Is it locked?” Ray asked.  
  
“Yeah… I’m looking for the key,” Ryan said.  
  
Ray shrugged and turned around to find Michael bounding toward him. Ray smiled sleepily at him as he approached.  
  
“Ray where’ve you _fucking_ been, dude?” Michael asked a little frantically, looking less drunk than Ray remembered. How long had they been in Ryan’s room?  
  
“I was with _this_ guy,” Ray tried to place his hand on Ryan’s shoulder but missed completely. Michael looked over Ray’s shoulder and just raised his eyebrows.  
  
_“Okay._ Who’s that?” Michael asked.  
  
“He’s! Um. He’s Geoff and Jack’s roommate!” Ray struggled to get out, his tongue tripping over itself. Michael smirked.  
  
“What are you on?” Michael said in a slightly quieter tone, through a smile. Suddenly, Ray didn’t like the idea of Michael knowing he was on Xanax. Or knowing where the Xanax came from. Or knowing about Ryan at all.  
  
“Just weed… Nothing else… at all,” Ray slurred out, unaware of how fucked up he sounded. Michael just raised his eyebrows and nodded. Ryan turned around with the keys in his hand looking frustrated.  
  
“I can’t get the damn door open,” he said.  
  
Michael laughed, and reached forward to open the door for them, unlocking the bolt and just pushing the door open, “You don’t need a key to get out.”  
  
Ryan smiled and shook his head, “Fucking duh.” Ryan stepped out and waited for Ray to follow.  
  
“Uh, we’re getting drinks,” Ray said to Michael.  
  
“Oh, uh, okay,” Michael said, “Me and Gavin might head back to the apartment in a bit. Gavin’s gonna crash with us tonight.”  
  
Ray nodded and made to leave with Ryan but Michael stopped him, “Hey wait uh, d’you want us to wait for you so we can all leave together?” he said.  
  
Ray tried to process Michael’s words and then Ryan spoke up, “Ray, you can crash here if you want.”  
  
Michael was looking at Ray in a way that made it seem like he had an expectation for what Ray’s answer was going to be. He seemed a little irritated and kind of… off in a way that Ray couldn’t quite put a finger on. It was giving Ray a really bad feeling in the pit of this stomach. Ray turned to look at Ryan, and Ryan smiled at him, and Ray realized he really didn’t care one way or the other. Ryan’s option sounded easier though.  
  
“Yeah, I’m gonna… what Ryan said,” Ray managed to get out. Michael nodded weirdly and then waved Ray off.  
  
Ray closed the door behind him and followed Ryan to his car, both of them stumbling and giggling the whole way like dumbasses. They finally reached Ryan’s car, and Ray felt immensely comfortable in the worn in leather bench seat of Ryan’s piece of shit car. It felt like the damn seat was hugging him and Ray realized he was gonna have to really _try_ if he didn’t want to fall asleep. He sat up and widened his eyes, staring at the cracks along the windshield of the car as Ryan picked up trash in the center console and threw it in the back seat.  
  
“Sorry about the trash. I’m… a mess,” Ryan chuckled. Ray wondered if Ryan should be driving on Xanax and decided he didn’t care one way or the other. He seemed less fucked up than Ray at least.  
  
“Did I take more xan than you?” Ray asked. Ryan started the car and backed out of the driveway easily as Ray spoke.  
  
“No, why?” Ryan asked as he drove down the street.  
  
“I just feel like I’m higher than you,” Ray said. Ryan chuckled in response.  
  
“Have you ever taken it before?” Ryan asked.  
  
“No.”  
  
“Well there’s your answer,” Ryan said. Ray giggled and started fiddling with the button that controlled the window. He lowered his window all the way and then stuck his head out so that the wind whipped over his face.  
  
He stayed that way for the whole ride to the liquor store, and when Ryan parked Ray’s face felt numb from the cool air.  
  
“Dude… my face is so cold what the fuuuck,” Ray said. Ryan touched Ray’s forehead and Ray laughed at how hot Ryan’s hand was on him.  
  
“Jesus christ,” Ryan said, then squeezed Ray’s head once, playfully, before pulling away to check his phone. Ryan checked to make sure he had his ID and then went to buy the requested alcohol. Ray pulled out his phone and found it bursting with notifications. He had left it on silent all night. Whoops.  
  
They were mostly from Michael, apart the ones from an unknown number that was probably Gavin’s. They all said some variation of **“Where are you?????”** or **“Call me plz.”** There’s one notable message from Gavin that says **“Poor micoo is so sad ray com out an party with us pls we can all b happy togethr!”** Ray laughed as he scrolled through them and started to draft a message to Michael that said something like **“sorry I didn’t keep u updated MOM”** but fell asleep in the middle of his fingers mistyping the message over and over. He woke up again when Ryan placed a bag into his lap.  
  
“Get up sleepy, you gotta hold the goods,” Ryan said. Ray sat up and slapped his face a little to wake up as they drove back to the house. Ryan watched him do this sympathetically and then pulled into the drive thru of some fast food place.  
  
“What are we doing here?” Ray asked and Ryan grinned.  
  
“We’re waking you up!” Ryan said and then ordered two large chocolate milkshakes. Ray wanted to scream at how pumped he was to have a milkshake.  
  
“The words “Can I get two chocolate milkshakes?” might be the best sequence of words… that has ever existed,” Ray mumbled after taking a large gulp of the milkshake.  
  
“Hm I think “Do you want a free milkshake?” might have that beat,” Ryan replied. Ray thought for a minute and then came back with, “Okay but that’s beat out by “You just won free milkshakes for life!” right?”  
  
Ryan laughed heartily as they pulled into the driveway at the house, “You good?” Ray nodded and they got out of car, Ryan holding the milkshakes and Ray holding the alcohol. Ryan made to open the door but was beat to it by Michael who opened it from the inside, Gavin beside him. Ray and Ryan faced Michael and Gavin awkwardly for a second before both sets of boys tried to get past the other. Finally, they made it to opposite sides and smiled awkwardly at one another.  
  
“Well uh it was nice to meet you Ryan,” Michael said, waving and Gavin did the same.  
  
“Uh yeah you too!” Ryan replied and they parted ways. Ryan closed the door and then scrunched up his face for a second.  
  
“What?” Ray asked.  
  
“I’m gonna sound like an asshole, but what was his name again?” Ryan asked. Ray laughed and then he realized that Ryan was serious and laughed even harder.  
  
“It’s Michael. That’s my roommate.” Ray said. Ryan nodded, “Right, yeah of course.”  
  
As he spoke, Jack and Geoff walked up to them and took the alcohol away from Ray, yelling, “More booze!” as they walked away. People cheered and Ray and Ryan laughed as they headed back to Ryan’s room.  
  
As Ray followed Ryan into the bedroom, he briefly considered that since he was feeling okay now, they could feasibly join the party. Ray knew he didn’t want to still, but felt like he was holding Ryan back somehow. He stepped into the room, closing the door behind him and effectively muffling the music once more.  
  
“Oh thank god, it’s not as loud anymore,” Ryan said, pulling off his pullover hoodie and nearly taking his t-shirt off with it. Ray laughed and then sat on the bed to sip on his milkshake. Ryan fixed his shirt and then paused, considering Ray with his eyes.  
  
“You can have my bed tonight, I’ll sleep on the floor,” he said after a minute. Ray protested, “No dude I’m the one who’s crashing, it’s no big deal. I’ll take the floor.”  
  
“No, no I insist,” Ryan said through a yawn, “Ugh, what time is it anyway?”  
  
Ray pulled out his phone, “Uh, it’s 4:27,” Ray said and then immediately felt the weight of the time pulling on his eyelids. He slurped at the last dredges of milkshake at the bottom of the styrofoam cup and then tossed it in the general direction of the pizza box they left on the floor. Then Ray laid back on the bed.  
  
“I don’t know about you, but I’m gonna sleep. I’m fucking worn out,” Ryan said, undressing down to his boxers.  
  
“I’m definitely going to sleep dude, I don’t think I have any control over that at this point.” Ray replied. He kicked off his shoes, and that was about all he could convince himself to do. He closed his eyes and saw the light turn off from behind his eyelids. Ray heard Ryan stumbling around a bit with spare blankets and pillows and then he heard a short pause in his movements at the same time as he felt his glasses being pulled off his face. He opened his eyes to find Ryan smiling impishly with Ray’s glasses in hand.  
  
“Can’t sleep with glasses on,” Ryan whispered. Ray nodded and then closed his eyes again. Ray considered how weird it was to be sleeping in Ryan’s bed after having only just met him. He could easily go tell Jack that he was gonna crash on his bed and Jack wouldn’t mind, but he didn’t really feel uncomfortable like he would have expected. It was weird. He really liked Ryan.  
  
Ray continued to listen to the slide of fabric as Ryan climbed in between blankets and the shuffling of his limbs as he tried to get comfortable. Ryan moved around and then paused, and then moved around again and paused over and over again. It had been maybe 15 minutes and Ray had all but given up on sleep.  
  
Ray sat up, “Ryan, I swear to god, you’re not comfortable. Just switch with me I’ll fall right the fuck to sleep on the carpet.”  
  
“You should be comfortable, you’re a guest don’t worry about me!” Ryan said. There was a brief moment of silence before Ryan was moving around again.  
  
“Ryan!” Ray said.  
  
“No! I’m good I swear! I just found the most comfortable position,” Ryan started, and Ray interrupted.  
  
“Okay, you don’t want me to sleep on the ground, and I can’t _stand_ you sleeping on the ground, just,” Ray paused to consider his options. He could even get up and walk to his apartment if he wanted to. But he really just wanted to fucking sleep.  
  
“Just come up here, sleep on the fucking bed,” Ray ended up saying, eyes widening like someone else had controlled his words in that moment.  
  
“… _with_ you?” Ryan asked quietly.  
  
“No, _next_ to me, smart guy. This is the only solution.” Ray said determinedly when he realized he couldn’t fucking take it back, and then laid back down on the bed. Ray was laying down above the sheets for lack of wanting to move around, and Ryan went around the bed and got in on the right side, getting under the comforter and leaving a moderate gap between him and Ray. So at least they had that degree of separation.  
  
“Uh, thanks I guess,” Ryan said after he settled in.  
  
“You’re god damn welcome, you stubborn asshole,” Ray chuckled out.  
  
“Goodnight Ray.”  
  
“Goodnight.”  
  
Ray knocked the fuck out immediately, and it was the first good night’s sleep he had gotten in weeks.


	4. Chapter 4

Ray was roused from his sleep by his phone buzzing away in his pocket. He reached into the pocket of his hoodie and dug around until he pulled out his phone. Michael.  
  
“What?” Ray mumbled into the receiver, closing his eyes again.  
  
“Oh.” Michael said, pausing before continuing, “I didn’t expect you to answer I was just gonna leave a voicemail.”  
  
Ray sighed, “I answered. What’s up?”  
  
“Did you just get up?” Michael asked, and Ray could hear him moving around as he spoke, picturing him putting things into a backpack with the phone between his shoulder and cheek.  
  
“I’m technically not up still. Why?” Ray said.  
  
“Uh, cause don’t you have class in like an hour?” Michael said, a concerned lilt present in his voice.  
  
Ray opened his eyes at that, “Oh. Oh shit, okay.” Ray said, voice still rough from sleep.  
  
“Yeah, you forgot. Okay, you’re welcome asshole, I gotta go. Seeya at home later?” Michael said, the shuffling sound having paused.  
  
“For sure. Thanks Michael,” Ray said, still not moving despite the motivation Michael had lit under him like a fire.  
  
“Bye.” And Michael hung up. Ray smacked his phone into his face in mild frustration and then checked the time. He had a little more than an hour, but it was already after 12 so he really should have already been awake just on principle. Ray closed his eyes again and remembered he was in Ryan’s room. Right. Well, at least he hadn’t had an issue falling asleep in the same bed as Ryan. Ray took a moment to bask in the strange warmth of the pillow he was laying on, nuzzling into it a bit, still not wanting to get up, and then the pillow moved.  
  
Ray slowly picked his head up and sat up and found that _not only_ had he been sprawled across Ryan’s chest in his sleep, but now Ryan was awake so he knew it too.  
  
“God- fuck, I’m so sorry Ryan,” Ray stuttered out, not even knowing what the fuck you even say in situations like this. Who the fuck does this? Jesus christ, they _literally_ just met, what the fuck.  
  
“Don’t- don’t worry about it,” Ryan said, sitting up and Ray immediately felt like some kind of pervert. Ryan was _shirtless_ and he had been so nice by offering Ray the bed and then Ray had been the one to make it weird by making Ryan get on the bed with him, and now it was even _weirder_ because of Ray and-  
  
Ray’s mind was reeling and he was super flushed and his breathing started coming faster and oh god was he having an anxiety attack _right now-?_  
  
“Hey!” Ryan said, and Ray looked up at him and _where the fuck were his glasses,_ “Ray it’s okay!” Ryan grabbed his shirt off of the floor and slipped it over his head, and then scooted forward on the bed. He placed a gentle hand on Ray’s shoulder, and Ray was trying to calm down because this was _embarrassing_ in the first place, but he could feel that he was well past the point of calmly coming down from it.  
  
“Sorry, I’m sorry about this, fuck I’m sorry,” Ray gasped out, trying to avoid hyperventilating, staring at his own shaking hands- apologizing because he was getting the shakes and after the shakes always came the god damn tears. They trailed down his cheeks hotly, and he felt fucking awful.  
  
“Ray…” Ryan said, concern blanketing his face. Unsure of what to do, Ryan scooted forward and pulled Ray into an embrace while Ray tried to calm himself down. Ray struggled against Ryan for a second before remembering that this was supposed to help, and then settled into the hug.  
  
The silent sobs shook through him for a few minutes before Ray was finally able to get ahold of himself and stop the tears and calm his breathing. Ryan rubbed his back until he calmed down. When Ray went still they just kind of sat like that for a bit, both unsure of how to move forward from that. Ray was the one who broke the silence.  
  
“Best sleepover of my fucking life how about you, Ryan?” he joked, voice still a little shaky but strong. Ryan chuckled and released Ray from the hold.  
  
“Definitely ranks in the top five,” Ryan said when Ray pulled away so they were just sitting on the bed facing each other.  
  
“Wow, I cried all over your fucking t-shirt and I’m still not number one? What does a guy have to do to be the best for you Ryan?” Ray went on, and Ryan laughed quietly.  
  
Ray’s eyes were pink and slightly puffy from the crying, but he was definitely awake now. They sat in silence for a second before Ryan spoke up.  
  
“Want some breakfast?” Ryan asked.  
  
They traveled to the kitchen where Ryan cleared away most of the red cups and gross crap and made Ray eggs.  
  
“Sunny side up is the only way to eat eggs” Ray said when Ryan handed him the plate.  
  
“I disagree, but I definitely see your point,” Ryan responded when he finished making his own eggs- scrambled.  
  
They ate silently together and while they did Ray thanked every god-like entity that existed for making Ryan an understanding person. Probably the most understanding person on the face of the fucking planet. That kind of freak-out rarely happened to him anymore, so it had caught him just as off-guard as it had caught Ryan. Any other person would have just run off, and it probably would have made the anxiety attack worse, so he was really glad that Ryan had stayed.  
  
“How long were you awake?” Ray asked.  
  
“Hm?” Ryan responded.  
  
“How long were you awake with me laying all over you like that?” Ray repeated. Ryan considered the question for a moment, pursing his lips and chewing his food.  
  
“A while.”  
  
Ray laughed, “That’s a bullshit answer Ryan- what’s your last name?” Ryan chuckled.  
  
“Haywood.”  
  
“That’s a bullshit answer Haywood and you know it!” Ray said, laughing. Ryan pretended to look put-out and sighed.  
  
“What was the question again?” Ryan said, Ray shoved him in response and Ryan laughed, “Okay! Enough with the violence!”  
  
Ryan laughed again and then continued, “I don’t know. Probably whenever your phone went off is when I woke up.”  
  
“When I answered Michael’s call?” Ray asked.  
  
“Uh, no it was before that, I think.” Ryan said ambiguously. Ray pulled out his phone and actually looked through his notifications. A few missed calls from Michael and texts from Geoff… the earliest notification was at ten in the morning.  
  
“Ryan, jesus christ, did you just let me sleep on you for fucking hours?” Ray said, putting his phone between them on the counter so Ryan could see what he was seeing.  
  
Ryan shrugged, “Uh maybe?”  
  
“Why didn’t you just move me? I’m a heavy sleeper, I-,”  
  
“Well, how would I know that?” Ryan said, almost mockingly but in a playful way, “Besides you looked so tired, I didn’t want to wake you up. I was just on my phone it’s no big deal.”  
  
Ray scoffed, “Clearly.”  
  
They were silent for a moment.  
  
“Listen, it was genuinely out of kindness, I didn’t even really think it was weird at the time,” Ryan said apologetically, “I didn’t consider that it would bother you- I’m sorry.”  
  
Ray didn’t say anything and Ryan continued, “Next time I’ll shove you over like Rose shoved Jack off the door, I swear!”  
  
Ray laughed and met Ryan’s eyes. Ryan smiled hopefully at Ray.  
  
“Don’t- don’t worry about it Ryan, I’m just being weird. As usual,” Ray muttered, shifting his gaze away from Ryan’s intense-ass blue eyes.  
  
“I’ll take your word for it,” Ryan said in response.  
  
Then Geoff walked into the kitchen, clad in only boxer-briefs, and said nothing until after he poured himself a full glass of water and gulped it down.  
  
“What the fuck are you still doing here, Ray?” Geoff said eventually, voice cracking.  
  
“I slept here,” Ray said in response.  
  
“Yeah asshole, I know. Michael called me eight hundred million times to tell me that you were here and to make sure you got out of here in time for class,” Geoff said.  
  
“Oh yeah. I’ll just be late, it’s syllabus day anyway.” Ray said.  
  
“Gee, Michael sure takes care of you, Ray,” Ryan said, taking a sip from his glass of juice.  
  
Ray shrugged and Geoff said, “Yeah yeah yeah, Joanie loves Chachi, whatever,”  
  
“Aw that’s sweet,” Ryan said glancing at Ray who was rolling his eyes.  
  
“Shut up Geoff, it’s not like that,” Ray quipped back.  
  
“Uh huh, sure. Just send him a text and tell him you’re in class before he bombards me with calls again, will you?” Geoff said, walking away with a plate of stolen eggs.  
  
Ray just shook his head and looked at Ryan who was raising his eyebrows at him suggestively.  
  
“God, don’t be like this too, Ryan. Michael is just _a friend,”_ Ray said, getting up to rinse off his plate in the sink.  
  
“Alright, I’ll lay off. You taking off?” Ryan asked. Ray nodded and headed towards the door, Ryan following closely behind.  
  
They got to the door and Ray opened it, turning around to say goodbye or thank you or fucking _something_ to Ryan, but completely lost his words.  
  
“Uh,”  
  
“Give me your phone,” Ryan said, and Ray handed it to him. He watched as Ryan dialed a number and then hit call, followed by the sound of Ryan’s phone going off in his pocket.  
  
“There, now you have my number. We should hang out again, this was fun,” Ryan said, handing Ray back the phone.  
  
“Yeah. Yeah, dude,” Ray said awkwardly and then stood there. Ryan rolled his eyes and went in for the bro-hug, ruffling Ray’s hair as they came away.  
  
“I’ll see you around?” Ryan said.  
  
“Definitely,” Ray smiled, and then started on the walk back to his apartment. He stared at his shoes on his walk to his place, and realized that he actually wouldn’t mind seeing Ryan again. Ray was glad that his untimely freak out hadn’t scared him away, because Ryan was actually a pretty alright guy. It had been a while since Ray had made a friend that hadn’t been friends with Michael first. It was nice.  
  
When he got to the door of the apartment, Ray realized he didn’t have his fucking glasses on and that they were probably somewhere in Ryan’s room. He grimaced and unlocked the door. He knew that it was too late to go get them now, and he’d have to go to class without them.  
  
Ray changed into clean clothes, grabbed his backpack and headed out, only twenty fucking minutes late to class this time.  
  
**  
  
When Ray checked his phone at the end of the day as he walked into the apartment, he was greeted by a message from Ryan attached to a picture of Ray’s glasses sitting on Ryan’s nightstand.  
  
**Ryan: I can only imagine how lost and scared you are without these.**  
  
Ray laughed and dropped his backpack on the floor by the door, kicked off his shoes and walked into his room.  
  
**Ray: thank god u found them, all I can see are bright lights… idk where I am**  
  
Ray hit send and chuckled to himself as he started up his Xbox, and sat on the floor directly in front of his tiny TV so that he could actually see what was happening on the screen. Without his glasses, Ray had pretty much wasted his time in class doodling in the margins of his notebook, and tuning out the sound of the professor’s voice. So far, college was easy. His phone buzzed in his pocket.  
  
**Ryan: Lol. You home? I can bring them to you.**  
  
**Ray: yeah that would b great thnx**  
  
Ray sent Ryan the address and then went back to his game. Ryan texted really… grammatically correct and Ray wasn’t used to that shit, but Ryan also seemed like exactly the kind of guy that would do that. Ray just doesn’t really give a shit because they’re just texts and all the person on the other side of the conversation has to do is get the gist of what Ray sent, and that’s _more than enough._  
  
There was a knock at the front door and Ray jumped in surprise. He had figured that Ryan would tell him he was on his way or something, and it’s like a two-minute walk from his place so Ray was frazzled to say in the least. He ran to his bathroom to make sure he didn’t look _awful_ even though he had just seen Ryan earlier in the day and Ryan probably didn’t even _care,_ Ray couldn’t help but try to make his hair look less like a bird’s nest.  
  
There was a hesitant knock again so Ray walked to the door, and then opened it unceremoniously. He was greeted by Ryan’s fucking collarbones and was again reminded of Ryan’s slight height advantage. He actually wasn’t that much shorter than Ryan, but Ray was always looking slightly downward to avoid eye contact, which always had him staring at Ryan’s collarbones instead of where his eyes would land if he faced Ryan properly- his mouth.  
  
Ray’s eyes traveled up until they reached Ryan’s general face area, only to find that Ryan was just looking at him with this amused expression- which is precisely when Ray realized he had been standing there like a moron not saying anything.  
  
“Oh shit, hey. Come in man, sorry I’m just- I’m just out of it,” Ray said, turning to let Ryan into the apartment and closing the door behind him.  
  
“Second day kind of rough?” Ryan asked.  
  
“Uh, without my glasses it was barely tolerable. Speaking of?” Ray said turning to Ryan expectantly as they stood in the middle of the living room.  
  
“Hm? Oh, right,” Ryan said, pulling the glasses from where they were tucked into the collar of his shirt. Ray reached his hand out to grab them, but Ryan bypassed his reach and instead placed the glasses on Ray’s face himself. Ray scrunched his face up at the intimacy of the gesture, but he was seeing clearly for the first time all day and Ryan’s face wasn’t a bad sight at all for a first clear image in like six hours. Ryan was smiling and chuckling a little bit as he pulled his hands away from the sides of Ray’s face, and Ray smiled back sheepishly. Not bad at all.  
  
Ray blushed at the vague thought and pushed it aside, adjusting the glasses on the bridge of his nose and clearing his throat, “Um, thanks Ryan.”  
  
“No problem,” Ryan said as he looked around the apartment.  
  
“Uh, so this is our apartment. We can chill on the couch- or watch something in my room,” Ray gestured to where his room was, “If you want. Order in some food or something- if you’re sticking around for a while.” Ray kicked himself mentally for assuming that Ryan wasn’t just going to drop off his glasses.  
  
“Yeah I was hoping we could hang out,” Ryan said, “You’re cool with me being in your room?”  
  
Ray nodded, “Yeah it’s fine. Can’t really watch anything out here because Michael hasn’t hooked up his Xbox to the TV yet.” Ray led Ryan to his room, trying to remember if he had left anything that would look bad out yet. The only person who had been in his room since they moved in a few weeks ago was Michael, and he didn’t care if Michael ran into some shirt he used to wipe up his come or any weird shit like that. But if Ryan did… well, Ray would probably be able to recover eventually but he would really rather not have to deal with it at all.  
  
With this in mind, Ray opened the door to his room hesitantly and then tried to casually pick up the scattered dirty laundry and toss it in a corner. “So this, uh, this is my room. Not much in it, but I don’t really need much so,” Ray tossed the final piece of clothing into the corner, “It works for me.”  
  
Ryan smiled, “It’s nice.”  
  
“Thanks,” Ray said, feeling relief twinge at the corners of his mouth. He sat down on his bed- which was actually just a mattress on the floor, but whatever- and gestured for Ryan to do the same. Ryan sat gently as far away from Ray as he could on the small mattress, and Ray rolled his eyes.  
  
“You don’t have to sit that far away anymore, Ryan, we’re friends now remember?” Ray teased.  
  
“Okay, so how close can I sit?” Ryan asked. Ray had never been asked that before, and so he had never really considered what he was most comfortable with. He patted a place on the bed that would put only a few inches of space between them. Ryan smiled sweetly and sat in the spot.  
  
“I feel like I leveled up. Last night we were sitting on opposite sides of the bed, and now I’m within tickling distance,” Ryan said gleefully while Ray nodded along and opened the netflix app on his Xbox. Then his mind caught up with what he had heard.  
  
“Wait, what?” Ray asked, already feeling the tingling sensation as he tried to process what Ryan was saying.  
  
“Hm?” Ryan replied, faux-sweetly, his mouth a straight line. Ray clicked on whatever episode of Friends he had last been watching and then turned to face Ryan.  
  
“You said something. I missed it, what did you-,” and before Ray could finish his sentence he was on his back and Ryan’s fingers were tickling into his sides along his ribs, and Ray was gasping with laughter.  
  
_“No, no, stopstopstop,”_ Ray laughed out, giggles coming out of him like he had never laughed in his fucking life. Ryan was laughing too, but in a mocking way.  
  
“Oh I’m sorry, Ray are you ticklish?” Ryan teased and continued his barrage of tickling.  
  
_“Yes! Ohmygod_ I’m gonna piss my pants, _Ryan!”_ Ray gasped, swiping uselessly at Ryan’s hands, not really trying.  
  
“Nah, you look fine!” Ryan said, followed by another bout of laughter. Ray was laughing so hard tears were streaming down his face, and out of nowhere his door swung open.  
  
“Ray! I- oh,”  
  
Ryan’s hands froze at Ray’s sides, and Ray looked over to see who was at the door. It was Michael, who was blushing furiously, and gaping at them without really saying anything. Ray didn’t know what was going on, but he tapped at Ryan’s hands to signal to him to release his hold on Ray’s sides, pulled his shirt down, and then sat up.  
  
“Uh, what’s up Michael?” Ray asked, a little out of breath. Michael’s mouth opened and closed and then he shook his head as if he was shaking a thought out of his mind.  
  
“Oh, um nothing, I was just. Uh, sorry for interrupting I should’ve… knocked…” Michael trailed off shifting his gaze to Ryan who was clearly feeling the same awkward tension that Ray was feeling. In the silence, Ray couldn’t help but feel weird about Friends being on in the background, like this wasn’t a light-hearted situation anymore.  
  
“I’ll uh. We can talk later, Ray,” Michael said, leaving the room and closing the door a little harshly behind him.  
  
Ray and Ryan sat in the weird silence that Michael had left in the room with them, while Ray tried to figure out what the hell was going on.  
  
“Do you… need me to go?” Ryan asked.  
  
“No, no, I still want to hang out. I don’t know what’s going on with Michael,” Ray said, running his hand through his hair as he scoured his mind for what he might have done.  
  
“I mean, if you feel weird you can totally leave, but I still want to hang out if you want to?” Ray said, hopefully. Ryan smiled and nodded in response.  
  
“Awesome. Can you just- I know, I’m awful- but I just want to see if Michael’s okay. Do you mind if I go talk to him for a minute?” Ray asked.  
  
“Yeah, no, go ahead. I’m just gonna snoop through your things while you’re gone though,” Ryan said, smirking.  
  
Ray rolled his eyes, “Don’t get to excited, I’m pretty boring,” he got up, “I’ll be right back I swear.”  
  
Ray walked out of the room and closed the door quietly behind him, and found Michael sitting in front of the TV, staring at some wires and hooking up his Xbox.  
  
Ray sat down on the ground beside him, “Everything okay?”  
  
Michael threw the wires onto the ground in front of him, “Yeah, why?” he said tersely.  
  
Ray pursed his lips and continued, “Well… you just seemed kind of mad in there, and I-,”  
  
“Are you fucking him?” Michael interrupted. Ray felt his face go scarlet, the image of Ryan putting his glasses on for him flashing once in his mind and then fading. What?  
  
“Wh- what?”  
  
“Are you sleeping with that guy- Ryan, or whatever,” Michael clarified, as if _that_ was the part that had Ray confused.  
  
Ray shook his head in bewilderment, “N-no, dude. We just met yesterday!” Ray yelled, and then remembered the thin walls and lowered his voice, “I’m not having sex with him, jesus christ.”  
  
“Sure,” Michael replied, still not looking in Ray’s direction.  
  
“Michael, what’s going on? You’ve been acting weird since last night, and I don’t know what I did to piss you off.”  
  
Michael sighed, and then turned to look at Ray, “It’s… it’s nothing. Sorry, I’m just taking it out on you. I’ve just… been feeling kind of alone since we got here, y’know?”  
  
Ray nodded, but still didn’t really understand. He could tell there was more to it that Michael wasn’t telling him, but Ray knew that he wouldn’t tell him.  
  
“Do you wanna come watch a movie or something with me and Ryan? We’re just gonna chill, order some food,” Ray started but Michael was already shaking his head.  
  
“Nah, Gavin’s on his way to pick me up. We’re gonna head to Jack’s. Might crash there tonight,” Michael said. Ray nodded, and pulled Michael in for a hug.  
  
“I’m here for you, man,” Ray said. Michael nodded and swallowed loudly, and then his phone went off.  
  
“That’s Gavin. I’ll see you tomorrow?”  
  
“Yeah dude,” Ray said. He watched Michael leave and felt a strange feeling in the room when the door closed. Michael was really good at walking into a room and leaving his atmosphere there when he walked out. Ray could usually tell what was up, but he felt out of touch with it this time. He sighed, and walked to his room. Whatever it was, he’d fix it. Like always.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a piece of shit for posting so late in the day lmao, but here's Chapter 4!  
> Chapter 5 will be up on Tuesday


	5. Chapter 5

Ray had found himself seeing a lot less of Michael than he had expected going into college, considering they lived together. It might have been partially his fault for not actually going out of his way to hang out with Michael, but he had never actually had to do that before. Michael had always just been around all the time. Now that they were a few weeks into school, Ray had started to realize that it wasn’t going to come as easily as it used to.  
  
Especially since that the few times he did catch Michael in the apartment he was met with something like, “I actually promised Gav I’d go to the bar with him. He scored some fake IDs.”  
  
“Oh. That’s cool man, have fun,” Ray replied, not at all slightly bitter.  
  
“Yeah, might crash at Gavin’s place. I’ll see you later Ray,” Michael said and then left. It felt like that was the thousandth time Michael had turned down Ray’s attempt to hang out. Ray was beginning to wonder if it was because Ray never wanted to go out, and Gavin seemed to be all about it. He expressed his worries to Ryan, who he always inevitably ended up calling or hanging out with when Michael fucked off with Gavin wherever.  
  
“Like, maybe he realized that I’m no fun,” Ray said, tossing m&m’s into Ryan’s mouth as they sat across from each other on the sofa at Ryan’s place. At some point, Jack’s place had become Ryan’s place in Ray’s mind, and he doesn’t remember when.  
  
“Maybe he’s just caught up in the whole party scene right now,” Ryan said. Ryan was constantly trying to reassure Ray that Michael didn’t hate him, but every time Ray showed up at Ryan’s with that little frown on his face, Ryan was a little less convinced there wasn’t something going on.  
  
Ray had told him all about how they became friends and how long they had been friends. It was hard to understand without having been there for it all, but Ryan still thinks that Michael didn’t sound like the kind of guy to cut himself off from his best friend.  
  
Ray was silent for a moment, and then decided that he’d had enough of the Michael conversation for the night.  
  
“Alright, so do you smoke weed or what?” Ray asked, effectively changing the subject.  
  
“I _have,”_ Ryan replied vaguely, “Why?”  
  
“Because I _do_ , as in _currently,_ and _probably too much,”_ Ray said, mimicking Ryan’s tone and making him laugh.  
  
“Okay then?” Ryan said, wanting Ray to elaborate.  
  
“Okay then what?” Ray said.  
  
“Well, what?” Ryan said in a faux-innocent voice.  
  
“Well, do you want to fucking smoke or what?” Ray asked in a monotone voice, kicking Ryan as he did.  
  
“Why Ray, I thought you’d never ask!” Ryan said dramatically and Ray just rolled his eyes.  
  
“You’re so annoying sometimes I swear to god,” Ray said, getting up to go to Ryan’s room. Ryan followed suit.  
  
When they got to Ryan’s room, Ray picked up the backpack he had left there when he arrived and rooted around in it until he found what he was looking for. Ryan watched with interest, sitting on the bed as Ray pulled out a baggie of weed, a grinder, a pipe and lighter, and a notebook.  
  
Ryan looked on in amusement as Ray sat beside him on the bed and worked nimbly with the items, balancing them precariously on the notebook he had placed between them on the bed. Ray looked up and raised his eyebrows in question at Ryan’s amused gaze.  
  
“What?” Ray asked.  
  
“Nothing, I’ve just never seen anyone do this. I always smoked someone else’s weed at whatever party I was at so this is just… interesting.”  
  
Ray chuckled in response as he packed the bowl, “Fuckin, freeloader Haywood.” Ray handed the pipe to Ryan, and then pulled back slightly, “You know how to use this?”  
  
“Hm, why don’t you refresh my memory?” Ryan replied sheepishly.  
  
“Ah, a demonstration!” Ray said jokingly and lifted the pipe to his mouth. Ryan watched as he pressed the pipe to his lips, lit it, and inhaled. Looked easy enough.  
  
Ray blew a cloud of smoke out and then spoke, “How’s your memory?”  
  
“Feeling slightly refreshed,” Ryan said, taking the pipe and lighter as it was offered to him. He attempted to mimic Ray’s movements, and did okay until the smoke was burning his throat and he started coughing.  
  
Ray laughed and placed a comforting hand on Ryan’s shoulder as he coughed it out.  
  
“Need a different teaching method?” Ray asked, feeling loose already from the first hit.  
  
Ryan blushed slightly but remained composed, “Uh, yeah. Maybe.”  
  
“Okay,” Ray chuckled, taking the pipe and lighter from Ryan and taking another hit before continuing, “I’ll hold it, so that way you’re only doing one thing.”  
  
Ryan nodded, and Ray held the pipe up to Ryan’s mouth, watching idly as Ryan pressed his pink lips to it. He lit it, and said, “Okay, suck.” And Ryan did, but they both processed what Ray said at the same time, and then Ryan was sputtering smoke as they broke into a bout of laughter.  
  
“You know what I fucking mean!” Ray said through the laughter, and Ryan was coughing and laughing, unable to respond. Ryan finally stopped coughing and smirked.  
  
“I’m feeling it a bit,” he said after a moment, “But, your method isn’t super great.”  
  
“Gee I had no fucking clue, is that why you coughed up a lung and almost died?” Ray replied sarcastically, blowing out the smoke of another hit.  
  
“It’s okay, I still have one fully-functioning lung for now,” Ryan replied, chuckling.  
  
Ray laid back on the bed for a minute, staring at Ryan’s ceiling fan, “Getting high is such a fucking relief. I feel like my muscles get to finally relax way more than I can when I’m sober.”  
  
“I always just feel like things are more enjoyable. I like doing things a lot more when I’m high,” Ryan said, laying back on the bed beside Ray.  
  
“That’s different. I guess I hate doing things so much in general that it doesn’t like. Transfer. Or something. I don’t know,” Ray responded, sitting up to take another hit.  
  
“I still don’t know if I’m feeling it. Did I do it wrong or do I just need to smoke more?” Ryan said sitting up to watch Ray closely.  
  
“Hm, it could be both? Well, worse comes to worse, I’ll hold you down and blow smoke down your throat,” Ray said, after a moment, picturing his words and then immediately trying to not picture it. Grabbing Ryan by his face gingerly, slotting their mouths together and exhaling soft and easy. Fuck, Ray shook his head as if that would help the image fade away. As Ray was trying to push it from his mind and was about to change the subject, Ryan spoke up.  
  
“Would that even work?” Ryan asked vaguely.  
  
And Ray, being the educational weed douche he was, couldn’t help but respond, “Yeah dude, ‘s shotgunning,” Ray said, staring at his hands, “Mostly a big excuse to make out with people who’ve never smoked weed before.”  
  
Ryan laughed at that, “Is that you admitting you were trying to make out with me?”  
  
Ray blushed and met Ryan’s gaze, “Uh, is that _you_ admitting that you’ve never smoked weed before?”  
  
They grinned at each other like idiots in the brief silence, Ryan eventually saying, “Touché.”  
  
They both laughed nervously after that, Ray taking another hit and blowing the smoke in Ryan’s face. Ray had no idea what the fuck that was supposed to mean, but as the master of ignoring things, he decided to focus on fiddling with the rip in his jeans. Ryan smiled and then looked down to his hands in his lap, suddenly unsure of what to do with them.  
  
“We could… just _try_ it,” Ryan said, keeping his head down so Ray couldn’t see him blushing slightly.  
  
Ray opened and closed his mouth several times, looking for what to say because, well, _what the fuck did that mean?_ Like obviously, Ray knew that Ryan wanted to try out shotgunning but. That was it. Right? He couldn’t help but remember Michael’s accusations about him and Ryan… But this had nothing to do with that. Probably.  
  
“Right. I mean. If you want to, I’m not against it,” Ray eventually said, emboldened by the weed, impulsive, “Not against making out _or_ shotgunning.”  
  
As the words left Ray’s mouth he could see his entire life flashing in front of his eyes, and it was mostly him playing video games and sleeping. Weed was a dangerous and fucking traitor-ass drug for making him say things that were supposed to stay in his head. He usually only smoked with Michael so this hadn’t been an issue, because Michael knew everything.  
  
Betrayed by his own drugs.  
  
“Is that a proposition?” Ryan asked, raising his eyebrows.  
  
Ray, doing his best to play it off so he didn’t fucking die of embarrassment, shrugged, “It’s just making out. Doesn’t need to be weird.”  
  
Ryan appeared to contemplate this and then just nodded, “Okay.”  
  
Ray, apparently glutton for punishment, didn’t fucking ask twice and took a hit from the pipe, holding it in his mouth for the most part. He didn’t want to think too hard about where this would lead or what Michael would say if he found out, but mostly he was thinking _fuck it._ Isn’t this somehow part of college life? It was in the handbook somewhere, probably. He blinked hard and then looked to Ryan who was just waiting, and then pulled him in by his shirt, slotting their mouths together and blowing the smoke down Ryan’s throat.  
  
He kept his mouth pressed to Ryan’s and said, “Inhale. Hold it.” And then, “Exhale.”  
  
The smoke trailed out between their lips, and Ryan hummed at the taste of it on his tongue, and that’s about all the illusion of pretense they got before Ray was pressing back in, eager. The pipe was cashed and lost between them and the bedsheets, and Ray couldn’t be bothered to notice because he was so lost in the taste of _Ryan._ God, was this like, super slutty of him? Ray always got so touchy when he was high and sometimes that meant something like this could happen. Well, nothing _this_ far but his hands have become very familiar with Michael’s copper curls over the years.  
  
Ryan was holding back a bit at first, unsure of what he was allowed to do, and then he was all in. Ray climbed into his lap, sliding his hands from Ryan’s chest to his hair and Ryan’s hands settled on his hips, fingers digging in slowly. The heat that Ryan radiated was addicting, and Ray was happy to get as much body contact as possible. Ryan’s soft mouth was pressed hard against Ray’s, and Ray delighted in the low sounds Ryan made in the back of his throat when Ray pushed his tongue into Ryan’s mouth. Ryan sucked Ray’s bottom lip into his mouth, biting at it and then releasing it, and _god_ Ryan was a good kisser. Ray reveled in the slick slide of their lips, the buzzing feeling across his skin from Ryan’s stubble rubbing along his face.  
  
Idly, Ray recognized that they definitely weren’t high enough to write this off as one of those things that you did when you were fucked up. He had no idea what Ryan was thinking, he barely knew what he was thinking for fuck’s sake, and Ryan’s fingertips pushing into his hipbones was definitely not helping at all. But god, it was so good.  
  
All of the points of contact between them felt like fire- thighs, hips, hands- and it was eating Ray alive. Ray hadn’t kissed anyone in a fucking while, and he had almost forgotten what he was missing out on. After this, he was sure he’d be craving it all the time, like it was cocaine or heroin. He wouldn’t be upset to be addicted at all.  
  
Ryan’s hands traveled up and down Ray’s back, and the sensation was making Ray shiver. Ryan toppled them over on the bed so that Ray was on his back and Ryan was between his legs, and then started kissing down Ray’s jawline. Ray tightened his fist in Ryan’s hair, trying not to let out an embarrassing moan when Ryan started sucking a mark high on Ray’s neck. Ray pulled Ryan back up into another searing kiss, tongue pushing in to trace at the roof of Ryan’s mouth, pulling another moan from him that had Ray grinning against his mouth.  
  
Ryan felt his grin and pulled back slightly, “What?” and then kissed down Ray’s neck again, trying to leave another mark.  
  
Ray closed his eyes to enjoy the feeling of another bruise being sucked into existence as he answered, “You’re so fucking hot and bothered.”  
  
Ryan paused briefly in his assault of Ray’s neck, “So sue me.”  
  
“No, no, it’s nice,” Ray responded hoarsely, scritching his fingers through Ryan’s hair as Ryan pulled the collar of his shirt down to leave another mark on his collarbone, sighing into Ray’s touch.  
  
They rolled around on Ryan’s bed for a while, just making out and enjoying the high. The only sign of time passing was the light coming through the window. Both of them were blatantly ignoring anything that what they were doing would imply. Eventually, when the light coming from the window was gone, they broke apart and chuckled at how fucking dark it had gotten without them noticing.  
  
“Christ, why is it so dark?” Ray snickered, pulling out of Ryan’s grasp and sitting up.  
  
“Uh, I didn’t have the light on since the window lets so much light in already,” Ryan responded, reaching up to pull the cord and turn the light on. Ray winced at the sudden brightness that flooded the room, and wanted to laugh at how much he had fucked up Ryan’s hair.  
  
He reached over to fix it by running his fingers through it, chuckling to himself as he did.  
  
“Oh, is it that bad?” Ryan asked, as Ray chuckled. Ryan closed his eyes and enjoyed the feeling of Ray’s fingers sliding through his hair gently.  
  
“Uh, no no… Yeah it’s pretty bad,” Ray laughed again, “Sorry.”  
  
“No need to apologize, I- well, I liked it,” Ryan said sheepishly, running his own hand through his hair for good measure.  
  
“… Cool.” Ray said, flushing and then immediately looking away, “D’you wanna watch a show or whatever?”  
  
Ray was still faced away from Ryan as he spoke and Ryan found it hopelessly endearing, even as Ray pulled his hood up. Ryan schooled his face into normalcy and then responded, “Uh yeah sure. Pull it up on my computer, I’ll go get some snacks-,”  
  
“And waters!” Ray added just before Ryan stepped out.  
  
_“And_ waters.”  
  
Ryan walked down the hall and ran into Geoff and Jack in the kitchen.  
  
“Yo,” he said as he walked past them to get to the fridge.  
  
“Hey Ryan. Ray still here?” Jack asked. Ryan pulled two water bottles out of the fridge and nodded.  
  
“Uh, yeah he’s still here.”  
  
“That fucker never says hi anymore,” Jack said to Geoff.  
  
“What do you expect, Ryan’s his new Michael,” Geoff said in response, watching Ryan almost intensely as he walked past, “Can’t blame him. He’s just as cute as Michael is.”  
  
Geoff winked and Ryan just shrugged, looking for some fruit snacks and waters, and then decided that maybe Geoff and Jack knew something about why Michael seemed to be avoiding Ray.  
  
“D’you know what’s up with him?”  
  
“Who, Michael?” Geoff asked.  
  
“Yeah, Ray’s been kinda fucked up about them. Michael’s been avoiding him, spending more time with Gavin or whatever,” Ryan said, and Geoff and Jack shared a look, “You guys have any idea why?”  
  
“You think he told him?” Jack said to Geoff.  
  
“Well, no. Michael’s stubborn,” Geoff replied.  
  
“Told him what?” Ryan asked, popping a fruit snack into his mouth as they captured his interest.  
  
“What else, dumbass? That Michael wants to sit on Ray’s pretty little face, and, I don’t know, marry him or something,” Geoff said, and Jack sighed.  
  
“Way to put it nicely, Geoff.”  
  
“Thanks,” Geoff said, smiling.  
  
Ryan stopped mid-chew when Geoff was speaking, “Hm? Michael has a crush on Ray?”  
  
“That would be the right way of putting it, yeah,” Jack said, looking at Geoff pointedly.  
  
“Only for-fucking-ever,” Geoff added.  
  
Ryan nodded once and then made to walk away without saying anything else.  
  
“Hey, if Michael didn’t tell Ray- and it’s pretty obvious at this point so whatever- but don’t tell him, okay? To preserve Michael’s dignity, if nothing else,” Geoff called after him. Ryan nodded and kept walking.  
  
Ryan didn’t know what to do with this information, to say in the least. He just made out with Ray for a personal-record-breaking amount of time, and God knew what that meant for them at this point. Ryan wasn’t sure why he was concerned that it somehow had something to do with Michael, and decided to push it out of his mind since he had no one to tell anyway.  
  
“I brought gushers,” Ryan said as he entered his dimly lit bedroom, tossing a package of them at Ray and nailing him in the head.  
  
“Ah, sweet,” Ray said, ripping open the package, “Where’s my water?”  
  
Ryan stood in front of him and handed him the water bottle, feeling a surge of… _something_ in him when Ray looked up at him through his long lashes to say, “Thanks.”  
  
Ryan took a breath, nodded, and sat down on the bed next to him again, watching Walter White do some questionable shit on his computer screen.  
  
“You were gone for a while, are Geoff and Jack here?” Ray said after a few minutes. He was kind of leaning on Ryan by this point, and Ryan was doing everything he could not to jostle him so that he moved away.  
  
“Yeah, they’re in the kitchen.”  
  
“They mention anything about Michael?” Ray asked, and Ryan tensed like crazy.  
  
Ryan popped a gusher into his mouth, “Nope.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, here it is! I hope you guys liked it, and I hope you're ready for Chapter 6 when I upload on Thursday!  
> It's a fucking doozy.


	6. Chapter 6

After Ryan dropped Ray off at the apartment the next day, Ray was feeling the anxiety of not having a conversation about what the impromptu make out session meant. Ray had used it as a tension release, and he wanted to stay friends with Ryan, but he didn’t know what Ryan wanted. Ray climbed the stairs to their apartment and ran this thought over in his mind, wondering if it was one of those things you didn’t have to talk about. He was pretty sure they should talk about it, but Ray didn’t want to be the one to bring it up. Hopefully Ryan would.  
  
But, at the same time, hopefully he wouldn’t because it seemed like a really fucking awkward conversation to have and Ray had been avoiding those kinds of conversations for most of his life.  
  
This was the train of thought Ray was riding when he opened the front door to his apartment and was met with the clearly very sudden silence of Michael and Gavin.  
  
“Hey Michael. Gavin.”  
  
“Sup Ray,” Michael said after a moment, and Gavin waved.  
  
Ray dropped his backpack by the door and felt their eyes on him as he did. He didn’t know what he had planned on doing when he walked in, but whatever it was had turned to ashes under the burn of their stare. Ray just turned to face them, maybe to say something, he wasn’t sure, and they conspicuously lowered their gaze at the exact same time. Ray sighed. Michael couldn’t know what happened. He literally could not have done anything that would lead him to figure out that Ryan and Ray made out last night. Unless he’s fucking psychic, so Ray willed himself to chill out in spite of their weird staring.  
  
“Okay. How was last night?” Ray said, making his way to the kitchen to grab a water bottle from the fridge.  
  
“Looks like we should be asking _you_ that, Ray,” Gavin said. Ray raised an eyebrow in question as he walked back to the living room to stand in front of where they sat on the couch. Michael pushed Gavin for what he said, giving him a look that Ray didn’t understand.  
  
“That’s Ray’s business, _Gavin,”_ Michael said, sternly.  
  
“Well maybe he wants to share, _Mi-coo,”_ Gavin replied, mocking Michael’s tone.  
  
Ray glanced between the two as they spoke, not really getting where they were going with it.  
  
Ray shrugged, “I mean, it’s not a secret? I just hung out at Ryan’s place, watched some Breaking Bad.”  
  
“Mhm,” Gavin nodded amusedly while Michael rolled his eyes and started tapping away at his phone. Gavin continued, chuckling, “And, uh, did Ryan mangle your neck up that way?”  
  
Ray’s eyes widened and then closed in embarrassment immediately as he remembered Ryan’s mouth on his neck. What a fucking moron, of course he had convinced himself that Michael wouldn’t find out about what he did even as he walked in with a hickey. Hickies? Oh god how many were there?  
  
“Uh,” Ray started, not even sure what he was going to say, but was interrupted by Gavin’s explosive laughter.  
  
“Honestly Ray have you seen yourself? Absolutely smattered in bruises!” Gavin said, “You fucking Ryan?”  
  
Ray blushed, thanks a lot Ryan you possessive fuck, glancing at Michael who was nodding along with the conversation with a blank look on his face but still staring at his phone. He really didn’t want Michael to think he was gonna ditch him just to be with some guy, the way he had assumed before. Even if that guy was Ryan.  
  
“Uh, it was just making out. For fun. We’re just friends.” Ray reached up to touch his neck self-consciously as he spoke.  
  
“How come you never made out with me or Geoff or Jack?” Michael spoke up, with an odd smirk on his face, “Aren’t we your friends?”  
  
“I mean, you guys never asked,” Ray said, chuckling, trying to go along with the banter.  
  
“Cheeky. Would you make out with anyone that asked?” Gavin said, his interest piqued even more.  
  
“Well, not _anyone._ But if they were a friend I’d probably consider it, at least,” Ray said, not sure if he was joking or not. He didn’t catch Gavin nudging Michael in the side with his elbow, or Michael’s glare in return to it.  
  
“Would you make out with me, Ray?” Gavin asked, giving a wink.  
  
“Nope,” Ray said, deciding to just sit on the ground in front of them.  
  
“Aw why not?” Gavin asked, looking genuinely disappointed.  
  
“You’d probably make it weird, cause that’s what you do,” Ray said.  
  
Gavin frowned and tried to turn to Michael for help who just raised his hands as if to say he was staying out of it. “That’s bullshit, I’d make it so good for you, Ray!”  
  
Ray cringed, “See that? What you just said- that’s making it weird.”  
  
“What! It’s true!” Gavin said and Michael just laughed dryly at him.  
  
Ray chuckled, “Ryan didn’t do that. It was just casual. Just… blowing off steam.”  
  
Gavin made a face at that, “Now, I really don’t get that. Might as well fuck. What’s the point?”  
  
Michael said nothing but watched Ray discreetly under the illusion that he was using his phone, waiting for his answer. Ray appeared to think about it for a moment, kind of smiling to himself, and then said, “It’s just nice. Like, comforting. Helped take my mind off some things,” Michael clenched his jaw but his stare didn’t falter, “I don’t know, I liked it,” Ray said, cheeks pinking slightly at the admission. “I think he did too,” Ray muttered more to himself than to them. Michael blinked several times and sighed waiting to see if Geoff would text him back.  
  
Ray’s phone started dinging with notifications suddenly, pulling him from his thoughts, and he dug it out of his back pocket to see several messages from Geoff, and one message from Ryan.  
  
**Ryan: Geoff is… jumping to conclusions**  
  
**Geoff: AM I THE LAST TO KNOW?**  
  
**Geoff: I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS RAY**  
  
**Geoff: I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE FUCKING RYAN**  
  
**Geoff: seriously are you guys bumpin uglies or what**  
  
Ray scoffed and held his phone up so Michael could see the notifications, “You _seriously_ already told Geoff?”  
  
Michael shrugged, “Whatever.”  
  
“We’re not even fucking- just. Okay. Fine,” Ray let out an exasperated sigh and got up to head to his room. He stopped just short of walking away and said, “I guess you were right, Gavin,” Gavin looked up at him, “If everyone’s making assumptions we might as well be fucking.”  
  
Ray immediately walked away, not hearing Gavin’s reply of, “That’s not really what I meant.”  
  
Ray closed and locked his door and dropped himself onto his bed, annoyed with Michael. He, of everyone Ray was friends with, knew that Ray didn’t exactly like to share everything with everyone. Michael used to understand that, but now it seemed like he didn’t care at all. Ray bit his lip in frustration and did the only thing he could think to do and called Ryan.  
  
“Hey,” Ryan said, and Ray could hear muted banging on a door on the other side of the line, “So I don’t know how Geoff knows, but it still feels like my fault somehow.”  
  
“I guess it’s kinda your fault. Hickies,” Ray replied, walking to his mirror to see what he was working with. Jesus christ, Gavin was not fucking joking. Pink, purple, and red kiss bruises were scattered down the length of his neck. “Oh my god, Ryan. You couldn’t have warned me about the small nation of hickies that settled on my neck?”  
  
“Ah, right. I maybe possibly could have warned you. I thought it would be a funny surprise,” Ryan chuckled, “I feel like we got caught by your parents,” Ryan said, the banging continued.  
  
“What’s that noise?”  
  
“Uh, Geoff kinda chased me to my room and I managed to lock the door before he could get in,” Ryan replied, and now Ray recognized the sound of Geoff’s voice through the door.  
  
He rubbed a hand over his face, wondering if he’d ever stop being embarrassed, “Christ, I’m sorry Ryan. My friends are… fucking weird.”  
  
“Well, Geoff’s my roommate so it’s not just on you.”  
  
Ray hummed in response. Even in knowing that Ryan being roommates with Geoff contributed to this a bit, it still felt like Geoff was his responsibility considering that he was Ray’s friend before he was Ryan’s roommate. Ray should have been more careful, it always made things more complicated when other people got involved in his business.  
  
“How exactly did Geoff find out?” Ryan asked after a moment.  
  
Ray sighed, “Michael texted him as soon as I walked in the damn door apparently.”  
  
“Oh.”  
  
“I don’t know what’s up with him Ryan, honestly,” Ray continued, “He never used to be like this. I think…” Ray started, his throat threatening to close up on him, “I don’t know. I think he’s done with me.”  
  
Ray sniffled, and on the other side of the line Ryan sighed sympathetically, “You should really talk to him. Who knows what’s going on with him right now?”  
  
“That’s the problem. It used to be me,” Ray said somberly. Vaguely, Ray knew he was being dramatic, but it was all because he had never had a disconnect with Michael that lasted this long. And he still didn’t fucking know _why._  
  
“Just talk to him. What could it hurt?” Ryan replied.  
  
Ray nodded to himself, knew that Ryan was right. For all Ray knew, he was making it up in his head and Michael was just having a weird time adjusting to college.  
  
“You still there?”  
  
“Yeah,” Ray replied, “And you’re right, you’re right, I know. I’ll try to talk to him.”  
  
“Soon?”  
  
Ray sighed, “I guess.”  
  
“Good. Hopefully it’ll all work out,” Ryan said.  
  
“Yeah,” Ray paused as he heard the laughter of Michael and Gavin from the other side of the wall, “I hope so too.”  
  
**  
  
Ryan had to have that same conversation with Ray over and over during the following couple of days until Ray finally gathered the courage to talk to Michael. He’d been avoiding Michael- barely missing him coming back from class, hiding out at Ryan’s for the most part. Ryan, to his credit, was practically shoving Ray out the door begging him to talk to Michael.  
  
“You don’t even have to bring up the weirdness, just _talk_ to him!” Ryan said, actually guarding the front door to the house as Ray tried to wriggle past him.  
  
“Ryan, come on, just let me be pathetic and hide for one more day!” Ray whined, stumbling backward as Ryan pushed him back. Ryan shook his head sternly and shooed Ray away, closing the door behind him.  
  
“Yeah, well NO WEED FOR YOU!” Ray yelled flipping off the house and skulking away. The whole Michael situation was getting out of hand on Ray’s side of things. He hadn’t talked to or seen Michael in days. It was all Ray could think about, and he spent every hour of every day worrying about it, and would talk to Ryan about nothing else. It was no wonder Ryan was exiling him.  
  
Ray ended up hiding out in his bathtub, hotboxing the bathroom and trying to get it together so that this whole stupid thing would just resolve itself already. Ray wasn’t used to having any kind of drama that actually involved him, and getting through it cold sober didn’t seem like an option.  
  
He heard the front door open and his heartbeat went from _this is okay_ to _THE BUILDING IS ON FIRE_ and Ray scrambled to get out of the bathtub. He tiptoed out of the bathroom and into his room, and then remembered he had no reason to sneak and burst out of his room, startling Michael who was in the living room.  
  
_“Jesus,_ Ray. Scared the shit out of me,” Michael said as Ray walked into the room. Ray was almost surprised that Michael was actually talking to him, but then he remembered that Michael was just like him. Always ignoring whatever the problem is.  
  
“Sorry,” Ray said, shrugging awkwardly and making room for himself on the couch next to Michael. It was so refreshing to see him again, even though it was also terrifying. Ray missed him.  
  
They sat in silence for a moment, Michael tapping away on his phone while Ray stared at the wall. “Going out tonight,” Michael said eventually, breaking the silence.  
  
Ray felt Michael’s glance in his direction more than he saw it. Ray tensed- he felt like if he turned down the implied invitation of Michael’s voice, that it could be the last time that Michael ever asked. Ray didn’t ever want to go out, but being asked to go was just the courtesy of his friendship with Michael. He didn’t want to lose Michael just because he was asocial.  
  
It could have been two seconds or five hours by the time Ray replied with, “Can I come?” He could slap himself for the choice of words. _Can I come?_ Like he was some kid asking his older brother if he could play with the big kids too.  
  
Michael shook his head in surprise, “Uh, yeah. Yeah dude of course.”  
  
Ray nodded to himself, too high to trust himself with more than a few words. It was just going to be one night out, Ray thought to himself, get in, get out, fix things with Michael. Easy.  
  
_Get in, get out, fix things with Michael._ Ray repeated the phrase to himself as he braced against the cold wind, walking down the street with Michael and Gavin later that night. One of Geoff’s friends let them in the backway of some club that Ray didn’t care to remember the name of. It was dark, the people were sweaty, and the music was so heart-stoppingly loud that Ray could feel his blood pulsating in time with the beat.  
  
So, it was exactly like every other club in existence.  
  
“Great place to talk,” Ray muttered to himself, making Michael raise his eyebrows in question and point at his ear to indicate that he couldn’t hear Ray over the music.  
  
“GREAT PLACE!” Ray yelled, grinning in a way he hoped was convincing.  
  
Michael nodded, “We’re gonna get drinks! We’ll be back!”  
  
Ray gave a thumbs-up and then wandered off to find somewhere to sit down. After keeping his head down and pushing through the throngs of people, he found some booth against the back wall of the club that gave him a view of most of the club and sat stiffly in the cushioning of it. He was painfully aware of how gross the booth would likely look under a blacklight but was doing his best to ignore it. Ray pulled out his phone just to keep from looking too available, and scrolled mindlessly through twitter before deciding to just text Ryan. Give him an update.  
  
**Ray: I h8 it here why did u make me do this**  
  
**Ryan: ??? Where are you?**  
  
**Ryan: And I didn’t make you do anything, dummy.**  
  
Ray glanced up to see where Michael and Gavin were, and only after spotting them still trying to get the bartenders attention did he message Ryan back.  
  
**Ray: im at a club**  
  
**Ryan: Ha ha**  
  
**Ray: WHY WOULD I JOKE AT A TIME LIKE THIS**  
  
**Ryan: Ok. Why are you at a club?**  
  
**Ray: M asked me to come so im trying 2 do the whole talk thing**  
  
**Ryan: … club isn’t the best choice for a conversation.**  
  
**Ray: rlly? I had no idea**  
  
Ray looked around the dimly lit club as he waited for Ryan’s response, the flashing lights highlighting the writhing bodies on the dance floor and the slower moving ones on the edges of the place. Ray shivered, wondering why people did such weird shit just to hang out. Michael and Gavin had changed clothes twice before they left the apartment. They were so pumped for this and Ray didn’t fucking get it.  
  
Ray hadn’t changed out of what he had been wearing all day, and it didn’t change how many people were trying to catch his fucking eye in the place. Michael and Gavin weren’t lacking in options, looking the way they did. It wasn’t like Ray hadn’t noticed how people looked at them, and on top of that- he wasn’t fucking blind. They’re hot, they’re good guys- or at least Michael is- so what’s the fucking point of coming out to a club?  
  
Ray didn’t date seriously in high school, just a few flings that were headed nowhere- and it was mostly on purpose. The people he went to high school with were bigger losers than he was, so he kept to himself. He saw Michael go from his dorky freckle-faced best friend to the fit guy that made people blush as the years passed, but he also saw Michael never date anyone in high school. So why was he so obsessed with coming to places like this all of a sudden?  
  
**Ryan: Just talk to him. Let me know how it goes. Good luck. :)**  
  
Ray sighed, Ryan’s text breaking him from his thoughts, and then Michael and Gavin were approaching with drinks in hand so Ray had no chance to reply.  
  
“Bartender is a prick! But we got some bevs!” Michael yelled, bringing a tray of shots and a beer for Ray to the table. Ray glanced between Michael and the beer sitting in front of him, gathering condensation. Michael smiled blankly at Ray and Ray was… confused. Did he forget?  
  
Ray doesn’t drink. Michael knew that. And yet… there was the beer. Gavin was dividing the shots on the table between the three of them. Ray was fucking sweating.  
  
“Michael…” Ray said.  
  
“Oh, come on Ray! One night!” Michael said, clapping a hand on Ray’s shoulder. What the fuck? Michael had never questioned Ray’s decision on this, had never tried to convince him before.  
  
Ray didn’t see a way out of it. He didn’t want to be a buzzkill, he didn’t want to turn down something that they bought for him, he didn’t want to give Michael another reason to hate him. So he plastered on a fake smile, and nodded.  
  
Michael and Gavin cheered, and then they all raised their shot glasses, “Cheers!” and tossed back one, two, three shots each. It felt like antifreeze sliding down Ray’s throat, he fucking hated doing shots, but he kept pace with Michael and Gavin, who were delighted by Ray’s participation.  
  
“’Atta boy Ray!” Gavin said, raising his eyebrows at Michael.  
  
“My boy Ray!!” Michael yelled, “Woohoo!”  
  
Ray coughed out a fake laugh and tried to wash down the acrid taste in his mouth with a sip of beer. Meanwhile, Michael and Gavin were scoping out the scene.  
  
Ray, having not really eaten much all day and being a generally smallish guy, was feeling the shots. Definitely feeling the shots. His lips felt like they were buzzing, and he felt loose all over. He closed his eyes for a second, and when he opened them he was laughing.  
  
“Something funny Ray?” Michael smirked as Ray caught his attention.  
  
“Nothing! Nothing is funny at all!” Ray said, and gripped the edge of the table to stay grounded. Fuck. He was already well on his way to drunk.  
  
“Are you buzzin’ Ray?” Gavin grinned.  
  
Ray closed his eyes and nodded, biting his lip, and then wanted to laugh at how the movement felt. Gavin laughed with him and put an arm around Ray’s shoulders. At the back of his mind Ray wanted to shrug off Gavin’s arm, but the forefront of his mind couldn’t be bothered.  
  
Michael took out his phone and snapped a picture of him and Gavin, and then turned around and took a video of the three of them, yelling, “PARTY BOYS!!!!” and panning the camera to the rest of the club.  
  
Ray took another gulp of beer because his mouth felt dry with absent nervousness, and met Michael’s eyes as he did. Michael grinned at him and then at Gavin, and then slammed his hands on the table with determination.  
  
“Boys! Let’s dance!” Michael followed Gavin out of the booth and then turned to pull Ray with him.  
  
“Oh no, no no,” Ray said, pulling back.  
  
“Come on Ray!”  
  
“I can’t dance!”  
  
Michael rolled his eyes, “Yeah, and I’m a fucking ballerina? Come! Dance! With! Me!” he punctuated each word with a tug of Ray’s wrist until Ray was standing outside of the booth with them. His feet were wobbly on the ground, but Michael was already dragging him out to the dance floor- and not just on the fringe, but right smack in the fucking middle of it with people _everywhere._  
  
Ray stood completely still as Michael and Gavin started dancing, doing the dumbest moves but still managing to make it look good. Ray was about two seconds from pulling his phone out and walking away, when Michael and Gavin surrounded him front and back and started grinding on him.  
  
Ray laughed and stared at the ceiling as Michael pressed against his front, grinding his hips against Ray’s while Gavin did the same from behind.  
  
“Haha guys, very funny!” Ray yelled monotonously, a smile on his face. He wanted to escape and go to sit down again, but Michael threw his arms around Ray’s neck as if to stop him from leaving. And Gavin’s presence had disappeared from behind Ray. So it was just Michael with Ray for… more than a few songs- Michael dancing on him enthusiastically, while Ray swayed to the beat reluctantly. The lights in the club felt like they were swimming around them in Ray’s eyes, and he was starting to feel overwhelmed by sensations. The sweat that dripped down his temple and made his shirt cling to his chest uncomfortably, the press of strangers’ bodies on his back- touching then not touching over and over. And then there was Michael.  
  
Ray couldn’t make himself look down at Michael who wouldn’t stop dancing on him, and after a while he just felt really weird. Like it wasn’t a joke anymore. Ray wasn’t sure if this was a normal thing people did with their friends at clubs or what, but he wasn’t into it. Michael’s body was pressed against him in every possible way. Ray had known the without-boundaries Michael for years, but had still never had this much of Michael touching him at once. It was… uncomfortable.  
  
He forced himself to lean toward Michael’s face to say something- crack a joke to break the tension maybe- but as he did Michael’s face was rushing toward his.  
  
Ray couldn’t help immediate his reaction of leaning away, pulling out of Michael’s grasp completely. Michael stopped, flushed, then his expression changed to something angry.  
  
“Seriously?” was all Ray thought he heard as he stumbled, walking backwards away from him before Gavin rematerialized from nowhere to join Michael on the dance floor again. Ray was shocked to stillness, and eventually just faded into the crowd, the alcohol heavy in his blood making him dizzy.  
  
Ray found a bathroom and rushed into a stall to puke, the alcohol having upset his stomach and his anxiety making it way fucking worse. He could hear different people stumble in and out of the bathroom. After a minute, someone pushed his stall door open, and when Ray looked up it was Gavin standing above him, an unlit cigarette hanging from his lips.  
  
“Oh good, you’re still here,” Gavin said. Ray nodded numbly.  
  
“We thought you’d left. Michael’s bloody wasted,” Gavin lit his cigarette and let out a puff of smoke.  
  
“You look like shit, you okay?” Gavin asked. Ray squinted up at him and tried to nod convincingly.  
  
“Is Michael mad at me?” Ray asked, throat rough.  
  
Gavin chuckled, “You should know by now that he can’t ever stay mad at you long.”  
  
Ray stared at the tiled floor as he tried to comprehend what Gavin meant by that, but was interrupted by him speaking again.  
  
“Anyway, we’re gonna keep dancing, come find us?” Gavin said vaguely, not waiting for Ray to respond before waltzing out of the stall and leaving the bathroom. Ray heard his footsteps as he walked out of the bathroom, and lost them in the sound of the door swinging open to let in the spill of loud music. When the door closed again the music could only be heard mutedly through the walls, Ray belatedly recognizing Rihanna’s voice as he tried to push through the dizziness.  
  
Did Michael really try to kiss him? Jesus christ how drunk was he, he could be making it all up in his head. But would he know if he wasn’t? Ray shut his eyes and tried to pull the moment forward, but he wasn’t sure if he was remembering right. He remembers the flashing of red and white lights against the outline of Michael’s pale face, he remembers his hands around Ray’s neck- but were they pulling him forward?  
  
He opened his eyes again and realized that he had been in the bathroom for longer than he had planned to. It was time to get up. Or maybe it hadn’t been that long at all. Had Gavin just left? Were those Gavin footsteps he was hearing now, exiting the bathroom and letting in the vibrating spill of music into the room?  
  
Ray wasn’t sure, but got up to follow after nonetheless. Deep breath, and out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand a cliffhanger. What awaits Ray on the other side of the bathroom door? Nothing? Something? Who knows!  
> I hope you guys liked this one! Chapter 7 should be up on Saturday, and if it isn't, feel free to yell at me in the comments.


	7. Chapter 7

Ray was really confused, and he tried to follow who he thought was Gavin out of the bathroom, but after a long while of searching, he couldn’t find Michael or Gavin in the crowd anywhere. He wandered around helplessly, but he was so drunk that even if he _had_ seen them he wouldn’t have recognized them.  
  
Ray stumbled uselessly around the too-loud club, looking for the fucking door and not being able to find it. He couldn’t tell but he felt like people could tell how drunk he was and it was making him feel really nervous because he felt _really, really_ drunk. He tried calling Michael and Gavin but neither of them answered. Were they even still here? He saw the text from Ryan he never replied to.  
  
**Ray: im drunrk**  
  
**Ryan: You don’t drink.**  
  
**Ray: thats what I SAI,D**  
  
**Ryan: You okay?**  
  
Ray was sitting on the floor against some wall in the club, and considered the question. He felt like shit. He had a headache coming on, he felt like he was gonna puke again, and he just wanted to go home.  
  
**Ray: ryan I hate thiss**  
  
**Ryan: :/**  
  
**Ray: im lost idkk how 2 leave**  
  
**Ryan: Do you need me to come pick you up?**  
  
**Ray: im so fuckced. plz come get me this sux i feel sadness**  
  
As Ray typed the words he felt so pathetic he could cry, but he was in a club and he was drunk and it all felt really stupid.  
  
**Ryan: Which club?**  
  
Fuck. Ray had no idea what the name of the club was. He stood and looked for someone who looked nice to ask.  
  
He met eyes with some pleasant, sober-looking girl sitting at the bar and decided that he would ask her.  
  
“Hi, do you know the name of this club?” Ray said, trying not to sound like an absolute mess. The girl chuckled and gave him the name, spelled it for him when he asked. She seemed older than him and Ray felt really young and stupid again. This was such a stupid idea, why had he come here? He walked away and sent the name to Ryan.  
  
**Ryan: I’m on my way. Try to find the exit and wait outside for me.**  
  
**Ray: ok. im so sorry abt this im the worsts**  
  
**Ryan: Don’t be sorry. I’m on my way.**  
  
Ray felt sorry anyway and felt like he was gonna cry again but his fear of making a scene was worse than his urge to cry so he held it in and tried to find the god damn exit. After a few dizzy minutes, he managed to find one of the side doors that led to the alley beside the club. It was cold, and Ray shivered as the freezing wind hit him as he made his way toward the front of the building.  
  
The cold made Ray feel a little less drunk, but when Ryan pulled up and Ray stumbled forward to try and open the passenger-side door it was clear he was still pretty fucked up. Ryan ended up opening the door for him from the inside.  
  
“G-God, Ryan I am _so so so sorry,_ this was _so stupid,”_ Ray started, feeling even worse when he realized how late it was and how he had probably woken Ryan up for this whole mess. “It’s so late, f-fuck sorry I-,”  
  
Ryan put a hand on his shoulder to calm him down as he pulled away from the club, “Don’t worry about me, I’m happy to help, okay?”  
  
Ray said nothing but pouted at the dashboard. Ryan glanced at him during the drive, trying to gauge his mood a little more.  
  
“What happened?” Ryan eventually asked.  
  
Ray sighed, running a hand through his hair absently, “I’m bad at saying no is what happened.”  
  
“What does that mean?”  
  
Ray explained the story with the drinking, “God, Ray that sucks. I’m sorry,” and then didn’t really know how to tell the rest.  
  
“I think Michael tried to kiss me,” Ray said after a while. They were inside a fast food joint now, Ryan had just sat down and placed a chocolate milkshake in front of Ray. Now that Ray said it out loud, a little more sober and a little less anxious, it felt like there was no mistaking it.  
  
“What?”  
  
“When he made me go dance with them. I didn’t know what to do,” Ray said, staring at the table and pulling the milkshake toward himself to take a sip.  
  
“Did you kiss him?” Ryan said, blue eyes focused on Ray.  
  
“What? No- it was super fucking weird. He’s my best friend, that’s not…” Ray paused and took another sip, “That’s never been on the table.”  
  
Ryan said nothing as Ray continued, “I mean. I guess he was as drunk as I was? We drank the same amount. And he’s always been handsy I guess.”  
  
Ryan shrugged, and Ray sighed. He was no fucking help. But considering Ryan didn’t drink either, Ray supposed they were both at a loss on what kind of drunk behavior was considered normal.  
  
“I don’t know. He did make a big thing about it when he found out I was. Well. Y’know,” Ray gestured between them vaguely. Ryan nodded. Ray sighed again.  
  
They sat in silence for a moment, both clearly thinking of their little tryst in Ryan’s room only a few days before. They still hadn’t talked about it. Ray had been so focused on the situation with Michael that it had never come up again. Not that they both weren’t thinking about it constantly- though the other didn’t know that.  
  
Ryan cleared his throat, and Ray finally met his gaze. Ryan was so damn handsome he was really hard to look at sometimes. Even now, eyes tired, hair mussed up and wearing a worn out, bleach stained hoodie, he looked better than Ray felt on a _good_ day.  
  
“Speaking of…” Ryan started.  
  
Oh god, and now they were going to talk about it. As if Ray didn’t have enough on his mind. What with Michael maybe having tried to kiss him in the middle of a club that Ray wished he had never walked into.  
  
“Are we really doing this?” Ray asked.  
  
“Had to do it eventually,” Ryan said, shrugging.  
  
Ray sighed, “I was hoping to live in a bubble for the rest of my life.”  
  
“Sorry to disappoint you.”  
  
A beat of silence.  
  
Ray was holding his breath. He really liked Ryan, but he couldn’t do a fucking relationship. Not now. He’s never been good at them, and has never seen the point. Nothing lasts. He really hoped that Ryan didn’t see them making out as some sort of sign that they were meant to be together. Ray couldn’t handle that. He preferred if it was just casual. No expectations. He didn’t want to pop the bubble. It’s a nice fucking bubble.  
  
“Listen-,” “Okay, so,”  
  
They started at the same time, and then chuckled as they talked over each other. Ryan gestured for Ray to speak first.  
  
“I want… to stay friends. Who make out or whatever. Occasionally,” Ray felt himself blush, staring at his grip on the milkshake, “You’re honestly, objectively, a really fucking good kisser and if I missed out on that, it would be a tragedy. No strings attached. Except for the friendship ones.”  
  
Ray said most of that in one breath and was really trying to stop blushing but it was _not_ fucking working because apparently everything had to be an ordeal with him. But Ryan was blushing a little bit too, and he had one of those sweet smiles on his face that made Ray want to die so it wasn’t that bad.  
  
“That’s my proposition,” Ray finished after a lengthy slurp of milkshake.  
  
“Uh,” Ryan started and Ray was holding his breath again, “That’s… exactly what I was thinking.”  
  
Ray let out his breath all at once, “Fuck. Nice.”  
  
Ryan raised an eyebrow as he leaned down to take a sip of his milkshake, and then sat up straight again, “So you think I’m a good kisser?”  
  
“I am fucking wasted right now and can’t be held accountable for anything I say,” Ray muttered, though he and Ryan both knew that he was more than a little sober by now.  
  
“Mhm. Noted.” Ryan said with that fucking smirk and honestly? Fuck Ryan.  
  
“Fuck you, Ryan,” Ray said with a smile.  
  
Ryan quirked an eyebrow and Ray had no idea how Ryan made that look good but he felt like he wanted to fucking die.  
  
It wasn’t a bad feeling.  
  
They got in the car after finishing their respective milkshakes, and Ryan started the car and turned on the radio. As they backed out of the parking lot, it started to rain and the drops on the windshield changed color as the traffic light they approached went from yellow to red.  
  
“You gonna crash at mine again, or do you want me to take you home?” Ryan asked, face half lit by the red light.  
  
Ray hadn’t thought about that. If he was being honest, he had assumed that Ryan was just gonna drive to his place and hadn’t really considered going back to his apartment.  
  
“D’you mind if I crash at yours? Don’t really want to deal with Michael later,” Ray said, watching the light flash to green on Ryan’s face.  
  
“Okay,” Ryan said, making the turn to head toward his place, “You know, you really can’t avoid Michael forever.”  
  
“The longer I can blatantly ignore this, the better for my mental health,” Ray sighed.  
  
Ryan pursed his lips, “That seems kinda counterintuitive.”  
  
“It’s simple math, Ryan. Hear no evil, speak no evil, see no evil.”  
  
“Are you really still drunk?” Ryan laughed and Ray flipped him off.  
  
“Seriously, Ray,” Ryan said as he pulled into his driveway, putting the car in park and turning to face Ray who was staring resolutely ahead, “You guys need to talk.”  
  
Ray begrudgingly turned to face Ryan and saw the sincerity in his features. He sighed, “I know. I’m going to. I swear.”  
  
“Tomorrow?” Ryan asked hopefully.  
  
“Yeah. Tomorrow.”  
  
The space between them on the bench seat of Ryan’s car had gotten incrementally smaller as they kept talking, until they were practically forehead to forehead in the orange-yellow glow of the driveway lights. Ryan lifted a hand to Ray’s chin and pulled him into a soft, slow kiss that had Ray’s breath rushing out of him. God, how had they been able to stop themselves for this long? There was some Fleetwood Mac song playing through static on the radio and Ray felt like he could melt into Ryan right there. They broke apart for a second and then rushed back in, Ray’s hands finding their place in Ryan’s hair.  
  
Ryan’s hands went to Ray’s waist, moving him so that Ray was sitting on Ryan’s lap. Ray angled Ryan’s head slightly to deepen the kiss, sucking Ryan’s plush bottom lip into his mouth and biting at it gently. Ryan let out a little gasp as Ray let him go, and then pressed his tongue into Ray’s mouth, dominating the kiss as he licked into Ray’s pliant mouth. Ray let out a soft whimper at the sensation of it, his thighs tensing around Ryan’s waist. Ryan’s hands slid down Ray’s sides slowly until they reached Ray’s ass, squeezing lightly.  
  
Ray pulled away from the kiss to moan embarrassingly at the touch, and Ryan continued kissing down Ray’s neck, adding to the collection of fading bruises from before. Ray leaned back so he could move forward in Ryan’s lap, accidentally leaning on the horn as he did and startling them both with the honk.  
  
“Whoops,” Ray chuckled.  
  
“You’re so clumsy,” Ryan added, before capturing Ray’s lips in another breath-taking kiss. Yes, Ryan was a good fucking kisser, and Ray would tell anyone that asked- he’d write a god damn song if he could. Ray let Ryan take control of the lazy kiss, his stubble making Ray’s sensitive skin buzz, and Ray was happy to just do this for a while.  
  
That was until there was a loud knock on the driver’s side window of the car that made Ray jump and hit his head on the roof of the car. They startled away from each other, Ray hitting the damn horn again, and turned to see none other than Geoff smirking outside of the car.  
  
Geoff beckoned for them to get out of the car with a gesture of the hand, and Ray and Ryan clambered out of the vehicle clumsily, blushing and looking pretty sorry for themselves. Ryan’s hair was a god damn mess and Ray was pulling the hem of his shirt down to shield his obvious-ass reaction to their little make out session.  
  
Geoff looked between the two of them with a look that was almost embarrassment, and then sighed.  
  
“Come on,” Geoff said, turning around to lead them inside. The exchanged a look of confusion before following Geoff inside without a word.  
  
Geoff pulled a beer from the fridge and turned around to see them standing awkwardly in the kitchen with him. He took a swig of his beer.  
  
“Ryan, if you don’t mind, I need to talk to Ray alone. Or even if you do mind, just fuck off for now okay?” Geoff said, “I don’t wanna see your pretty-boy face right now.”  
  
“Uh, sure Geoff,” Ryan said, shrugging helplessly at Ray and heading to his room.  
  
When Geoff heard the door to Ryan’s room close he reached across the counter and smacked Ray over the back of the head.  
  
_“Ow!_ What the _hell_ Geoff?” Ray said, rubbing at his head.  
  
“What the hell _me?_ What the hell _you?”_ Geoff practically yelled. Ray sank back and sat in one of the stools at the counter. Geoff wasn’t fucking around.  
  
“You wanna tell me what the hell you think you’re doing?” Geoff seethed.  
  
“… with Ryan?”  
  
“With Michael.” Geoff said, a bit calmer, “well yeah, I guess Ryan is involved too. But I’m gonna talk to him later.”  
  
“Geoff… honestly I don’t know what’s going on with me and Michael. I’ve been trying to figure it out for a while, and I was gonna try to talk to him tonight,” Ray gulped as Geoff stared him down, “but things got weird.”  
  
Geoff squinted at him, “I know what happened. Michael texted me.”  
  
“Of course he did,” Ray sighed. He rubbed at his eyes in frustration and in sleepiness, it had to be close to 5am at this point.  
  
Geoff leaned over the counter, resting his inked forearms on the cool marble surface.  
  
“You don’t know anything, do you?” Geoff said after a moment.  
  
Ray frowned and shook his head. Why would he know anything? Michael had barely had a real conversation with him in weeks. And they were supposed to tell each other things. At least the important things. Geoff sighed and put his head into his hands, ruffling up his own hair before looking up again.  
  
“Okay, so we really _do_ need to talk,” Geoff said, finishing off his beer and pulling another one from the fridge.  
  
“I wish Jack was awake man, he’s way better at this shit,” Geoff muttered.  
  
“Just. Pretend I’m Jack for a little bit,” Geoff said and Ray just nodded slight tremors going through his body at the apprehension of being told something… bad.  
  
“I… I genuinely have no idea how to say this, Ray, but. Michael is- fuck, Michael’s in love with you, dude.”  
  
Ray’s eyes widened as about eighteen million and one things ran through his mind, _“What?”_  
  
“It’s true, it’s been true… for a while,” Geoff said, taking a sip of his beer as he watched Ray’s face go through a journey of expressions, “Yeah, you both were gonna keep pussying around this thing, and it was just gonna keep causing problems.”  
  
“I- what, no! We- we’re just friends, he-,” Ray stuttered and Geoff interrupted him.  
  
“Can we move on to the part where you’ve fully digested this so that I can tell you that this is where your problem with Michael starts?” Geoff said.  
  
“Wh-what?”  
  
“Oh my god this is so annoying, I should just go wake up Jack and we’ll start from the beginning,” Geoff said, about to walk away. Ray grabbed him by the forearm and yanked him back.  
  
“Just- fuck fuck fuck- give me one _fucking second,”_ Ray said hectically.  
  
Geoff pursed his lips and then nodded once, bringing his beer to his mouth.  
  
What the FUCK? He hadn’t even really known if Michael was into dudes at all, and if this wasn’t jumping the gun in Ray’s fucking mind for all of that shit, god knew what else he didn’t know. What the fuck? And, more importantly: When the fuck? Ray squeezed his eyes shut as he pushed all of the questions and bullshit to the back of his mind and settled on accepting Geoff’s word as the truth. Which meant, yes, Michael was in love with him.  
  
College sucks.  
  
“Okay… Okay. Tell me how this is causing the- the problem,” Ray eventually got out.  
  
Geoff smiled, “Story time! So, like when the sands of time started turning- four years ago- and Michael discovered the pleasures of jerking off just fucking _daily-,”_  
  
“Jesus christ, Geoff,”  
  
“Don’t interrupt me Narvaez. You’re on my shit list right now.” Geoff said. Ray shut up.  
  
“Where was I? Oh right, Michael’s journey of discovery with his dick,” Geoff said, and Ray wanted to fucking _die,_ “Michael was jerkin it to all kinds of porn, and I, as his mentor, assured him that if he wanted to clean the pipes to videos of dudes bangin’ dudes that it was totally okay and he wasn’t a freak,”  
  
Ray felt like an asshole. He thought that he and Michael could talk about anything, but apparently Michael hadn’t really felt that way about everything. Why?  
  
“But then, he was coming to me about real feelings, not just I-wanna-touch-my-dick feelings. He wouldn’t tell me who it was for a while, but it wasn’t long before me and God and everyone could see the dumb Puerto Rican kid he was head over heels for,”  
  
That’s why. Ray’s face felt flushed, he was so fucking dumb. Christ, Ray hadn’t noticed at all and it had been for years? What the hell.  
  
“But the stupid kid who Michael was crushing on was apparently blind or stupid. Or both,” Geoff paused to grimace at Ray, “It’s you if you don’t get it,”  
  
“I get it-,”  
  
“Don’t interrupt me, asshole,” Geoff said, and Ray could tell it was his fake-angry face now, “Anyway. Michael was happy to suffer in silence for eternity because he didn’t want to make you feel weird,” Like how Ray felt now? “But he didn’t account for you rubbing dicks with _my_ roommate in _my_ driveway, and now he’s suffering a little louder. And that’s the only reason you’ve noticed that anything is off.”  
  
Ray put his head in his hands as he tried to process what Geoff was telling him. Michael was in love with him. And was having to _live_ with Ray while Ray was off doing god-knows-what with Ryan. Ray couldn’t imagine having to do that with someone he was in love with. Jesus christ, he was basically rubbing it in Michael’s face. He was an awful person. How did he let this get by him? Ray’s phone buzzed in his pocket and Ray pulled it out to see a message from Ryan.  
  
**Ryan: Everything okay?**  
  
“Put your fucking phone down and look at me, Ray,” Geoff said, and when Ray looked up he had tears welled up in his eyes because this really didn’t feel okay, and Geoff sighed, walking around the counter to pull Ray into a hug and Ray was choking back sobs. His body was shaking with the strength them, and he just felt like shitty friend, and a shitty person.  
  
Geoff was holding Ray’s head close to his chest, and spoke into his hair, “I know buddy, I know this is hard.” He carded a hand through Ray’s hair, “You know I love you and Michael both, but I can’t stand seeing either of you being hurt.”  
  
Ray let out a sob against Geoff’s hoodie as Geoff spoke, “and I know it doesn’t seem fair. But this is what life is like. It fucking sucks.”  
  
Ray laughed a little through his tears at that, pulled away and looked at Geoff through foggy lenses. Geoff rubbed his shoulders once and then leaned on the counter again.  
  
“The way you’re hurting right now is how Michael is feeling, but like way worse,” Geoff said, and Ray nodded shakily.  
  
“You guys need to talk. Tell him what you’re feeling. Say sorry probably, because that always helps,” Geoff said, “But on top of all of that, you need to be really fucking considerate about how Michael is feeling about the Ryan situation.”  
  
“Now, I don’t know what you guys have going on, and I’m gonna have a completely different talk with Ryan later, but I do know that Michael was your fucking friend way before Ryan was ever here,” Geoff said, and another tear rolled helplessly down Ray’s cheek.  
  
“I’m not telling you to stop doing what you’re doing. I’m just saying that maybe you should keep it behind closed doors, and not in my fucking driveway where the whole of fucking Texas can see you sucking face,” Geoff chuckled, patting Ray’s cheek as he nodded at Geoff’s advice.  
  
“Alright, you’re free to go. I’ve said my piece, so I can walk away from this guilt-free,” Geoff said, and walked away in the direction of his room.  
  
“Hey, Geoff?” Ray called, and Geoff turned around.  
  
“Yeah buddy?”  
  
“Thanks, man.” Ray said, and Geoff just smiled and walked into his room.  
  
When Ray walked into Ryan’s room after he washed his face and stopped feeling shaky, Ryan turned around from his desk chair and watched as Ray collapsed onto his bed.  
  
“Hey... How’d it go?” Ryan asked quietly.  
  
“Did you know?” Ray asked, staring at the ceiling.  
  
“… I might have known.”  
  
“Fuck my fucking life.” Ray said and closed his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy, sorry I keep making Ray cry. Hope y'all liked it!!! ♥  
> Chapter 8 should be up on Monday!


	8. Chapter 8

When Ray walked into his apartment the next afternoon, after way too much fucking sleep and a lot of additional urging from Ryan to get the hell out and talk to Michael, he had no fucking idea what he was going to do. He wasn’t the confrontational guy, and both he and Michael were notoriously the kind of people who ignored things until they went away. Ray was happy to do that again, but if Geoff had anything to say about it, it wasn’t a fucking option this time.  
  
Ray closed and locked the door silently behind him as he walked in, and then turned to face the vacant living room. He stood there for a few minutes, just trying to work up the nerve to do something. He wasn’t even sure if Michael was home and he was already sweating. Ray didn’t want to fucking do this. Every bone in his body was saying get the fuck out of there and wait a little bit longer. He sighed outwardly, trying to calm down his heart. It wasn’t listening.  
  
“Michael?” he called out, successfully keeping the tremor out of his voice.  
  
There was a grumbled response that came from the direction of Michael’s room, so Ray went and nudged the door open. He found Michael tapping away on that damn phone on his bed, and Gavin doing the same but from the floor.  
  
“Yo Ray, where did you end up last night dude?” Michael asked, only briefly glancing at Ray out of the corner of his eye as he spoke. Ray could feel the tension rolling off of him in waves, probably from wondering if Ray remembered anything from the night before. If he remembered Michael trying to kiss him. Ray blinked hard.  
  
“Have another lovely little sleepover with that bloke Ryan?” Gavin chuckled, raising his eyebrows suggestively.  
  
Ray took a deep breath, “Gavin, do you mind- I need to talk to Michael,” Gavin shrugged but didn’t move, “… alone.”  
  
Gavin’s eyes widened, and he just got up and walked out calling, “I’ll see you later, lads,” over his shoulder. Ray stared at the ground as he waited to hear the sound of the front door closing behind Gavin. Every muscle in Michael’s body was tensing as he put his phone down and watched Ray close the door to the room. He was trapped.  
  
“Uh… what’s up Ray?” Michael said hesitantly, sitting up slowly.  
  
“Michael-,”  
  
“Ray,” Michael interrupted, cheeks flushed, “we- we don’t have to do this. We can just forget it and move on, okay?”  
  
Ray sighed, “Dude if I thought we could just walk away from this, you _know_ I’d be the first to fucking ignore it.”  
  
Michael stared down at his hands as Ray spoke.  
  
“… did I fuck everything up?” Michael asked bluntly. Ray moved forward to sit on the edge of Michael’s bed, facing him.  
  
“According to everyone, _I’m_ the one who fucked it up,” Ray said drearily.  
  
Michael looked up, “Who the fuck is ‘everyone’?”  
  
“Uh, Geoff. And Ryan I guess?” Ray said, and Michael made a face at the mention of Ryan’s name.  
  
“… Right, you don’t like him,” Ray said awkwardly, annoyed that he had already fucked up.  
  
“Don’t fucking do this to me,” Michael snapped.  
  
“Do what?”  
  
“Don’t fucking put this on me. Like I fucking asked for this?” Michael spat. His jaw clenched, “I’m sure he’s a _swell_ fucking guy, for whatever it’s worth.”  
  
“I’m not trying to _put this on you_ I- ugh. I’m so fucking bad at this!” Ray stood and threw his arms out, “I don’t know what I’m fucking doing!”  
  
“You think I fucking do?” Michael yelled back.  
  
“I don’t know _what_ the fuck to think, Michael!” Ray shouted, frustration making his words harsh in the air between them. He sighed in the silence, sitting back on the bed facing away from Michael this time. He didn’t want it to turn into a shouting match, and yet here he was, fucking shouting.  
  
“All I know, is one minute it’s me and my best friend and college. And the next minute it was just me, alone. Where the fuck did you go?” Ray said after a moment.  
  
“Alone?” Michael scoffed, “What, are we just not counting _Ryan_ now- oh I’m sorry, _Ryan’s cock_ counts too!”  
  
“I wouldn’t have been anywhere with Ryan if you had acted like my _friend,”_ Ray muttered, seething.  
  
“There you go again! It’s all fucking _Michael’s_ fault because he has a huge ridiculous _crush_ on stupid oblivious Ray and it _ruined everything!”_ Michael shouted at the top of his lungs and Ray felt like he was shaking.  
  
“Well guess what, asshole! I didn’t fucking want _any of this!”_ Michael went on, the tendons in his neck going tense, “I didn’t ask to fucking fall in love with my _shitty,_ emotionally unavailable best friend.”  
  
“I was so _fucking stupid,_ thinking that I could be fine around you for the rest of time. It’s like I’m sitting in a room that I set on fire, wondering why it’s so hot. All I wanted was you!” Michael shouted, voice slowly raising.  
  
“I kept telling Geoff, ‘Don’t worry! I’m fine! We’re gonna end up together one day, you’ll see! Just like the stupid fucking movies!’” Michael yelled, almost laughing, “I should have listened to him.”  
  
Ray stayed quiet, choosing to stare at Michael’s hands where they were balled into fists so tight that his knuckles were white instead of looking at his face. Michael saying all of this to him out loud was crazy. It made it real, not just something that people were saying, and it was fucking scary. Michael fell for the wrong guy.  
  
“I-,”  
  
“You know,” Michael interrupted, “what I’ve been doing with Gavin every time we go out?” Ray shook his head no.  
  
“Every night that we go out, all I’m trying to do is get you the fuck out of my head,” Michael said, voice rasping, “And you barely noticed! I was fucking strangers, I even had sex with _Gavin,_ and I would think, ‘I did it! I won’t think about him now!’”  
  
Ray couldn’t look at Michael still as his voice shook, “Boy was I fucking wrong. And then you walk in covered in hickies, smiling about… _Ryan,”_ Michael shook his head, almost laughing, “Did you even notice how much that hurt me?”  
  
Ray shut his eyes, hating himself more and more as Michael spoke, “I had to sit there while you went on and on about it, acting like everything was normal. I sat in my room trying not to cry while Gavin tried to make me feel better for fucking _hours._ Did you even care?”  
  
“Of course I care.” Ray whispered.  
  
“News to me,” Michael scoffed in an even tone.  
  
Ray hated himself for not realizing Michael’s feelings earlier. Even if he didn’t feel the same way, he could have stopped Michael from feeling so sad and angry by just keeping his mouth shut. Keep everything with Ryan low key, make sure there wasn’t anything that could hurt Michael any more than he was already hurting. Ray ran his hands through his hair in frustration, as if he was trying to brush off the intrusive thoughts that were threatening to take hold.  
  
“Michael, I’m sorry-,”  
  
“Sorry doesn’t _fix anything,_ Ray,” Michael interrupted.  
  
“It doesn’t change the fact that _I am,”_ Ray’s hands were clenching into fists, “I’m sorry that I don’t love you the way you want me to.”  
  
Michael sniffled, and Ray didn’t want to look up for fear that he’d have to watch Michael cry. He’d never seen Michael cry.  
  
“I was ready to take whatever I could fucking get from you,” Michael said, his voice a bit shaky, “I did try to kiss you last night.” Ray stayed silent.  
  
“I figured, if you really meant that you’d be willing to kiss your friends for a good time, I would at least be in _that_ category for you. Someone you wouldn’t mind kissing.” Michael chuckled sadly, tears dripping down his face, “Wrong again.”  
  
They sat in tense silence for a moment before Ray spoke up again.  
  
“Do you know how many real friends I had when we came out here?” Ray asked, and then went on, “Don’t bother, I’ll tell you- I had one. You.”  
  
“Geoff, Jack, and the rest of them, they were your friends before they ever decided to be mine.” Ray said, recalling how even in knowing Jack and Geoff for years, they were always Michael’s friends first.  
  
“I had you. I only _ever_ had you.” Ray finally looked up to see Michael’s face.  
  
“Geoff was convinced I already knew that you… yeah. Apparently it was fucking obvious, and everyone is shocked that I had no clue, but I _didn’t,”_ Ray took a shaky breath, “Because I thought that what we are… _were…_ was what friendship was supposed to look like.”  
  
Ray let out a sad laugh, “I’m so fucking pathetic. Ryan was nice to me for two seconds when you weren’t around and I grabbed him and held on for dear fucking life. Someone who I met on my own, without your help. For once.”  
  
Michael sighed and Ray rubbed absently at the wetness of his eyes, “I thought I was getting better at this shit, and all I did was push you away.”  
  
“You’re my best fucking friend Michael, and I would do- I would do anything for you,”  
  
“Ray…” Michael started, voice laced with apprehension. Michael knew that Ray did this sometimes, would get into a pattern of unhealthy dependency on someone. He saw Ray disappear from school for a week because he couldn’t stop thinking about what he could have done to make his mom stay. He would tell Michael all the time, that if she had asked he would have done anything to make her stay. Anything.  
  
Michael told him over and over that it wasn’t okay to think that way, that there was nothing he could have done and his mom had a lot of problems that led to her leaving. Ray was convinced that there was something he could have done or said so she wouldn’t have left. It was one of their first fights, Ray was adamant about being able to make her stay somehow. Michael dropped it eventually, knowing there was nothing he could say that would convince Ray otherwise.  
  
Ray was starting to sound the way he did during that time. Michael was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to stop Ray from doing something stupid this time.  
  
Ray’s breathing was coming fast, his heart beating even faster, and turned around to face Michael suddenly, “Do you want me to love you?”  
  
“I-,”  
  
“Because I can do it I just-,” Ray wiped at the tears running down his face, speaking quickly, like he wouldn’t get another chance to, “I- I’ll stop talking to Ryan, and we can fall in love-,”  
  
“Ray-,”  
  
“I can do it, I swear I can,” Ray hiccoughed a small sob, “I don’t want to lose you Michael, I-,” he scooted forward on the bed, “We can _be together,”_  
  
Michael was concerned, and leaned forward to put a hand on Ray’s shoulder, when Ray rushed forward to press their lips together. Michael felt a strong headrush and thought for a second he was going to pass out, before he came to and kissed back as much as he dared. Ray’s lips were soft and dry against his and Michael almost felt like _this was it,_ this was his happy ending.  
  
For a moment… for a moment it feels like everything Michael ever fucking wanted. Ray’s mouth pressed to Michael’s, after Ray saying they should be together. But it’s only a moment. Because Michael can feel the hot tears still coming down Ray’s face, and he can feel Ray shaking from crying, and… this wasn’t what Michael wanted. He didn’t want Ray to destroy himself to fall in love with Michael.  
  
Michael loved _Ray,_ the soft and tired video game playing guy who met Michael on Xbox live a million years ago. The guy who couldn’t sit close to anybody, but chose to sit close to Michael anyway. Ray, the guy who applied to the same college as Michael because he wanted to be where Michael was and nothing else mattered.  
  
The Ray who was kissing him right now, shaking because he was scared that if he didn’t do this he’d lose his best friend… this wasn’t Ray. It was a version of him that Ray was willing to tear himself apart to become, but it wasn’t Ray.  
  
Michael pulled away.  
  
“You don’t want this, Ray,” Michael wiped at his tears quickly and turned away.  
  
“I can be the guy you want me to be,” Ray whispered, long lashes wet with tears, his hands tangled up in Michael’s t-shirt.  
  
“I don’t want you to be anyone but _you,_ Ray,” Michael said, “Even if it hurts me sometimes, I just want you to be happy.” They stared at each other for a moment before he pulled Ray into a hug.  
  
Ray threw his arms around Michael and held him tightly, like it was all he could do to keep him from flying away.  
  
“I just want to go back to the way things were,” Ray murmured into Michael’s shoulder.  
  
Michael chuckled, eyes a little welled up, “I don’t think we can, buddy.”  
  
They just sat holding each other for a little while, until someone’s phone dinged and yanked them not-so-gingerly back to reality.  
  
“Are we gonna be okay?” Michael asked quietly before they released their hold on one another.  
  
Ray pulled away to look Michael in the eyes as he spoke, “Yeah. Yes, we are.”  
  
They smiled sadly at each other, and then Ray went to his room and Michael stayed in his. They both cried silently, for their own reasons and their own mournings, but wiped the tears away with hope as the new wind in their sails. They were going to be okay.  
  
**Ryan: Hey**  
  
**Ryan: Let me know how it goes**  
  
**Ryan: Okay, I’m worried**  
  
**Ryan: Do you need me to pick you up? Movie night?**  
  
Ray smiled softly as he typed up his response.  
  
**Ray: nah, im gonna stay in with Michael**  
  
**Ryan: :)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked this one!  
> More to come, so stay tuned-- Chapter 9 should be up on Wednesday!


	9. Chapter 9

It was two weeks later and things felt about as close to back to normal as they could get, which was great. Ray and Michael had fought past the awkwardness and pain that had followed The Talk™ and it had been kinda rough. They had spent days just trying to feel out each other’s presence until they could just talk without feeling this immense pressure to be perfect. There was a lot of failed instances that ended in this shaky kind of stepping away and taking a breath. It was a lot harder than Ray had expected it to be. He was so used to everything between him and Michael just working out. Ray knew this time, though, that it was going to take a lot more out of Michael than it was going to take out of him.  
  
Ray _was_ also hurting, but there was no way it was anywhere _near_ what Michael was going through. There had to be a whole lot that Michael was giving to keep him from walking away. Michael spent a few nights with Geoff, which had Ray staying up alone and worrying, but eventually… well eventually they got to a point where it was just something that had happened. They got to this place where it all felt weirdly okay, the waters were calm and it didn’t feel so god damn jarring anymore, so they had been hanging out again. Ray, Michael, and Jack were at Jack’s place playing a rousing game of Mario Kart and Jack was losing spectacularly in the endearing way that only Jack could. They were laughing and yelling and it felt normal and it felt great.  
  
Except.  
  
Ryan walked in the front door, raised his eyebrows at them and then went to his room without saying much of anything. Ray kept his sigh to himself.  
  
Except Ray basically hadn’t seen Ryan at all in the past two weeks. Which was pretty sad considering how much time Ray had been spending in his fucking place over that span of time. Ray was having a great time being with Michael again, but Ryan… he missed Ryan. But every time he considered knocking on Ryan’s door, Geoff’s voice was in his head reminding him to keep his shit locked up.  
  
It was eating at Ray, slowly but surely. They still texted each other, and called at night sometimes but god it wasn’t enough. Ray wanted to share space with Ryan again, he wanted to get high with him, and keep watching Breaking Bad- and not just over skype through earphones after double and triple checking that Michael was asleep. He was slowly losing it. But he didn’t want to make Michael upset.  
  
Ray lost his concentration and slipped to last place in Mario Kart, making Jack and Michael laugh in near confusion.  
  
“I didn’t get last this time you fucks!” Jack said, laughing.  
  
“Dropped the fucking ball, Ray!” Michael said, squinting at him vaguely.  
  
Ray just shrugged, “Who says I didn’t throw it on purpose?” he got up as Jack defended his second-to-last position. He went to the kitchen and watched them bicker, grabbing a bottle of water and taking a few gulps, glancing anxiously at the hallway that led to Ryan’s room.  
  
He finished the water, “I’m gonna take a leak,” he said. He was gonna do it. Just gonna slip into Ryan’s room for a second and then out again. No big deal. They barely noticed he said anything as they had started throwing couch cushions at each other and other shit that was lying around. Ray walked casually to the hall, and when he was out of sight made a beeline toward Ryan’s room, closing the door silently behind him.  
  
He immediately felt Ryan’s hands on his waist and when he turned it was like Ryan had just come back from the war and Ray had been waiting in the wings for his return. Ryan’s hands on him was… jesus it was so good. With Michael and him having a bit of a transition phase, it meant that Michael’s usual no-boundaries rule wasn’t in play. And he hadn’t seen Ryan at all. So Ray was a little bit touch-starved. Even with his weird discomfort with people touching him, he still felt the lack of being touched very strongly for how long it had been. Ryan’s hands, warm on his waist… Ray didn’t have words.  
  
“Hi,” he breathed.  
  
“Hey,” Ryan said, smiling mischievously.  
  
They were so close to each other that Ray was practically breathing in Ryan’s exhale, and Ray gave up pretending that they had any pretense and threw his arms around Ryan’s neck, tip toeing slightly to kiss him hard on the mouth.  
  
Ryan breathed in and pressed Ray against the door as they made out messily, desperately, teeth catching, and hands roaming hotly over one another. Ryan’s hands went to Ray’s ass, lifting him so Ray could wrap his legs around Ryan’s waist, hooking his ankles. Ryan walked them over to his bed, laying Ray down and kissing down his neck hungrily as Ray tried to catch his breath.  
  
“God I missed you,” he breathed out, Ryan humming in agreement as he pulled at the collar of Ray’s shirt so he could leave a mark that wouldn’t be seen.  
  
“I’m so sorry I haven’t seen you,” Ray said, followed by a small whimper as Ryan nibbled on his ear, “I just don’t want to upset him,”  
  
“Don’t apologize, I totally get it,” Ryan whispered, and Ray shuddered.  
  
“Christ, you’re so understanding,” Ray said and grabbed at Ryan’s shirt to pull him into a searing kiss, his tongue sneaking into Ryan’s mouth as they rolled over so Ray was on top of Ryan, grinding against him.  
  
“Fuck, Ray,” Ryan groaned out, fingers sinking into the soft skin of Ray’s hips.  
  
Ray’s hands were pressed against Ryan’s chest to keep his balance as he grinded his ass down against Ryan’s hard cock, trapped in his jeans.  
  
_“Mm,_ what are you _doing_ to me,” Ryan moaned quietly, all too aware of how thin the walls were.  
  
Ray reveled in the feeling of Ryan’s hardness against his ass, “Being reckless.” He leaned down and captured Ryan’s mouth in another kiss, trailing down until he could suck a mark into Ryan’s neck. Ryan was practically biting his knuckles to keep quiet, and then Ray’s hand trailed down Ryan’s chest teasingly, until he got to Ryan’s crotch.  
  
“Are we- _ah-,”_ Ryan attempted to ask as Ray’s hand rubbed over Ryan’s still-clothed dick.  
  
“I can’t be gone long,” Ray said, capturing Ryan’s lips in a dirty kiss, “so, this is just a taste.”  
  
Ryan moaned helplessly, “You’re such a tease,”  
  
Ray smirked, “No one’s stopping you from finishing yourself off, Haywood,” he said, before kissing Ryan one more time and walking out of the room, leaving Ryan hot and bothered and achingly hard.  
  
Ryan stared at the closed door for about a second before he was pulling at the zipper of his jeans and sliding them down to mid-thigh. He palmed at the outline of his dick in his boxer briefs for a second while he considered whether he was really gonna get off right now and not just take a cold shower. He pulled his dick out when he decided that yes, this was just going to happen.  
  
He licked over his palm and pictured it was Ray’s hand that was sliding down Ryan’s length slickly. He imagined Ray’s pink mouth bobbing over the head of his cock, his tongue peeking out as he took it into his mouth. Ryan stroked over himself with fervor, just trying to finish quickly- he hadn’t even locked the god damn door.  
  
Usually when he was jerking off in the house it was either in the shower or super premeditated- hopefully when no one is around, door locked, lights dimmed, teasing and slow so that he got all worked up for it. This was anything but that, Ray hadn’t even closed the door properly, forget any other prep. Ryan’s hand was moving over his cock fast and sure, twisting on every other upstroke in a way that had him biting back moans. Ray had really worked him up, images of him kneeling in front of Ryan, looking up at him through those alluringly long lashes flashing through his mind.  
  
Ray had such an effect on him, coming in secretly while people were in the other room- if the others had heard them, _christ._ Ryan whimpered quietly at the prospect of being _caught_ in the throes of it with Ray because they couldn’t keep quiet. He was fucking up into his fist now, unable to stop his hips from thrusting into the friction of his hand at the images swirling around in his mind. _God,_ just the image of Ray sitting fully in Ryan’s lap and grinding down on his dick was enough to send Ryan flying over the edge.  
  
Ryan barely had the cognizance to yank his shirt up and out of the way before he was coming over himself, lines of come striping up and down his flat pale tummy. Two fingers rubbed the come into his skin absentmindedly as he wedged his phone out of his pocket hastily.  
  
**Ryan: When can I see you?**  
  
**Ray: eager much?**  
  
**Ryan: More like enthusiastic. Or just horny.**  
  
**Ray: and here i was thinking u liked my personality**  
  
**Ryan: The state I’m in right now is convincing me that I like a lot of things about you**  
  
**Ray: jesus christ**  
  
Ray blushed furiously at Ryan’s text, trying to hide his face by not looking up, he was still with Michael and Jack for fuck’s sake. He had already had to stay in the hallway an extra twenty seconds to try and reign himself in, and this… well it certainly wasn’t helping. Ryan didn’t respond to Ray’s text right away, which had Ray picturing him leaning over for some tissues to wipe down his stomach, maybe even taking off his shirt and using that instead- _fuck._  
  
Ray pushed his face into the pillow he had on his lap as he stared at his phone waiting to see what Ryan would say. He could feel Michael’s eyes on him where he sat across from him on an armchair, but he refused to look up. Maybe if he pretended to be oblivious Michael would drop it.  
  
**Ryan: I made a mess.**  
  
**Ray: yeah?**  
  
**Ryan: Yeah. Your fault.**  
  
Then two pictures popped up and Ray almost fumbled his phone onto the ground, which would have been _bad_ because the pictures that Ryan sent him- _jesus christ._ His dick wasn’t in the pictures, but his come-striped abdomen was, and the way he had yanked up his shirt over his pecs was nothing short of slutty. He had a happy trail of hair leading to his jeans which were unbuttoned and slung low to reveal his sharp hipbones, and Ray had to close out of those pictures _immediately._ Ray’s dick was definitely interested, and fuck, were they gonna _do this_ now?  
  
He looked up out of the need to look _anywhere_ else and was met with the amused stare of Michael, who raised his head as if to ask _what was that about?_ Ray froze and settled for a nervous smile and a shrug. He had no idea how to handle this. So far, it had been just pretending Ryan didn’t exist and keeping all their interactions secret. Now Ray had initiated things again and, if this was any indicator, this friends-with-benefits thing was gonna be a hard secret to keep.  
  
Ray tried to think of an easy solution through several games of Mario Kart, the ride home, and now while he and Michael were sat up on their counter together eating chinese take-out straight out of the box.  
  
“… and then she was like ‘That’s too bad, maybe next time you’ll turn in your work on time.’ God she’s such a cunt dude, maybe I should drop,” Ray caught the tail end of Michael’s story as his eyes refocused and he bounced back into reality.  
  
“Maybe you should,” Ray said, poking a single chopstick into his take-out box to stab at a piece of chicken.  
  
“Yeah, I’ll think about it,” Michael said, taking a bite of his broccoli and looking at him through a squint. He nudged Ray in the side, “What’s up with you today?”  
  
“Me? Nothing dude,” Ray said, feigning confusion. It’s a cold day in hell when Michael doesn’t notice his mood changes.  
  
“Nah, there’s something and you’re being all secretive and conniving,” Michael chuckled, digging through his noodles.  
  
“I swear there’s nothing.” Ray felt bad for lying, but knew the alternative was a lot trickier.  
  
He reassured himself that it was better to keep it from Michael for now, especially considering the nature of his and Ryan’s so-called arrangement. Not that Michael didn’t already have an inkling as to what had been going on- or at least he did before. God _‘arrangement.’_ It sounded like something weird and sinister. Did what they were doing still fall under friends with benefits if Ray was calculating how often he’d be able to bone Ryan and still keep it secret from Michael? Ray closed the door to his room behind him later that night with that question on his mind, before deciding that it didn’t matter. It wasn’t about what it looked like, it was about what they decided to call it. His phone dinged in his pocket, and it was from Ryan.  
  
**Ryan: What did you have for dinner?**  
  
**Ray: chinese food. delish**  
  
**Ryan: Sounds good. Any leftovers for me?**  
  
Ray stared at the message blankly for a second.  
  
**Ray: for u?**  
  
There was a quiet tapping on his window that dragged his attention that way, and had him freaking out a little bit. He went to the window and didn’t see anything, but when he opened it-  
  
“Boo!”  
  
_“Fuckin-_ christ, Ryan-,” Ray grabbed for Ryan’s arm to help pull him through the window, only successfully helping Ryan land on top of him in a heap on Ray’s floor.  
  
“So were there any leftovers?” Ryan laughed out, hair falling around his face and tickling Ray’s forehead.  
  
“Get off me asshole!” Ray whisper-screamed through a muffled laugh, staring back at the door like Michael could walk in at any time.  
  
“Okay, okay, I’m getting up,” Ryan said, rolling off of him.  
  
“Jesus christ, Ryan what are you doing here? How did you even get up here?” Ray whispered, his eyes following Ryan as he made himself at home on Ray’s mattress.  
  
“I told you about the time I got locked on the roof right?” Ryan asked and Ray rolled his eyes, “You know, you’ve been in my room way more than I’ve been in yours,” Ryan said, looking around, picking up random clothes that Ray had covering the mattress and floor  
  
Ray got up off the floor and stole the clothes from Ryan’s hands- sure they had all been used to wipe come off of Ray’s hands or stomach at some point. His whole damn room was a mess, and he sighed and threw the assorted clothing on the floor, Ryan was just gonna have to deal with it.  
  
He sat down next to Ryan and took a look at him. Ryan was wearing that bleach-stained hoodie that Ray had seen a million and one times, the black color practically gray now. He vaguely wondered how old it was, and picked at the lint that it was dotted with.  
  
“You didn’t answer my question,” Ray said, raising his eyebrows when Ryan turned to look at him.  
  
“I’m here because I’m fucking bored,” Ryan said, and put an arm around Ray’s shoulder as he did. Ray breathed in contentedly and smiled at the smell of Ryan’s detergent. He was always wearing clean clothes, it was nice.  
  
“Are you _actually_ here because I left you high and dry earlier?” Ray asked with his eyes closed.  
  
“… I’m not gonna say that it didn’t have an impact,” Ryan said, followed by a chuckle when Ray pinched him in the side.  
  
Ray suddenly remembered the pictures and nearly choked when he did, running a hand up Ryan’s stomach to grab at the collar of his shirt and yank it down, “The pictures were a nice touch.”  
  
“Thanks, I’ve been working on my angles- maybe a career in modeling?” Ryan said and Ray laughed and pushed him playfully so he landed on his back on the mattress.  
  
“You’d be a great model. I’d jerk off to you,” Ray said, climbing into Ryan’s lap and running his hands up and down Ryan’s torso. Ryan’s pupils were blown as he looked up at Ray who started running his blunt fingernails over Ryan’s chest lightly, as he kept making conversation.  
  
“Some cute pin-up poses, maybe even some ridiculous shirtless ones where you model underwear in the rain,” Ray looked anywhere but Ryan’s face as he spoke, “The fabric would cling to your cock so that everyone could see how hard you had gotten, but you wouldn’t even be embarrassed,”  
  
Ray was moving his hips in time with his hands running over Ryan’s torso now, “You would just think it was so hot that everyone could see how hard you were.” Ray finally met Ryan’s hungry eyes as he grinded his ass down particularly roughly, “How hard you were for me.”  
  
Ryan surged up and captured Ray’s mouth in a filthy kiss before Ray could go on, their groans lost in the push and pull of their kiss. Ray was grinding against Ryan in earnest, gasping audibly as their cocks slotted against each other perfectly so they were both getting that sweet friction _just right._ Ryan was nipping and sucking at Ray’s lips desperately, only wanting _more, more, more._  
  
Ray yanked up Ryan’s shirt the way he had for the pictures, digging his nails into the exposed skin. Ryan trailed kisses down Ray’s throat and pushed at Ray’s hoodie until it came off, and then helped Ray pull his t-shirt over his head quickly, their lips crashing back together once it was off. He ran his hands through Ray’s hair and then down his back, until they slipped into his pants and beneath his underwear, grabbing Ray’s bare ass and using the purchase to push Ray’s hips against his more forcefully.  
  
Ray chuckled and leaned his head back as Ryan leaned down to suck hickies onto his collarbones.  
  
“You _really_ love grabbing my ass,” Ray said, still chuckling and focusing on grinding his dick against Ryan’s. Ryan groaned in response and squeezed Ray’s ass in his hands, almost making Ray cry out.  
  
“Fuck we have to be quiet- I forgot,” Ray murmured, eyebrows furrowing as he felt himself getting closer.  
  
_“Mm-_ let him find us,” Ryan whispered before nipping at Ray’s left nipple. Ray whimpered deliciously at the feeling, and Ryan was so fucking strung out on the sound of it.  
  
“You’re- _ah-_ you’re crazy- _mm, just like that,”_ Ray whispered his words into the crook of Ryan’s neck, biting down and sucking at it to shut himself up. Ryan leaned his head back to soak in the feeling, his hips thrusting up to meet Ray’s.  
  
_“Ah- mm,_ no fair, I can’t leave marks,” Ryan whined.  
  
Ray pulled back and admired his work, “Sucks to suck. Or. Not to suck I guess?”  
  
Ryan laughed and then flipped them, “Hm, I guess I’ll have to find something else to suck on,”  
  
Ray wanted to laugh at how homemade-porno-type cheesy that was, but then Ryan was kissing a trail down Ray’s stomach and his hands were stroking up Ray’s thighs and- well, for some reason Ray couldn’t find a laugh in him. The only sounds in the room were Ray’s ragged gasps for air as Ryan’s palm pressed against his dick, and the shuffle of the sheets around them as Ray struggled not to thrust.  
  
Ryan’s hand was on his zipper and Ray could die for how hard he was, “You gonna keep quiet for me?” Ryan asked, his deep voice sending shivers down Ray’s spine. Ray nodded, and then Ryan was pulling Ray’s pants down and taking his dick out.  
  
Ray’s dick slapped onto his stomach obscenely, and Ryan was looking at it with this hunger behind his eyes. “Fuck, okay so,” Ray gripped himself around the base of his dick as he spoke, “I’m not gonna last long.”  
  
Ryan was already leaning in and licking up Ray’s cock, “Yeah, not gonna last long _at all.”_ Ray choked out, closing his eyes as Ryan replaced Ray’s hand on his cock with his own, jacking it a bit. He locked eyes with Ray for a second- those fucking _eyes-_ before he leaned in and licked at the tip of his cock wetly, and then took Ray into his mouth.  
  
Ray slapped his hand over his mouth as Ryan’s mouth sunk down over his cock, breathing deeply when he was completely in the wet heat of his mouth. Ryan bobbed his head, keeping a fast rhythm as he sucked Ray’s cock and Ray was holding back fucking whimpers.  
  
_“Fuck,”_ Ray let out, his hands running through Ryan’s hair for a moment before pulling back, unsure if that was okay.  
  
He got his answer when Ryan hummed in protest around his dick, the vibrations delicious around him, Ryan grabbed his hand and put it back in his hair. Ray tangled his hands in Ryan’s hair as Ryan went to town on his dick, which was practically dripping precome.  
  
Ray’s hands tightened in Ryan’s hair, “Oh fuck,” he moaned quietly, “Ryan I’m gonna- _Ryan, ah-!,”_  
  
Ryan pulled off of his cock just in time for Ray to come all over his stomach, making a mess of him. Ryan looked at the scene in front of him in breathless interest, his mouth was wet and red from sucking Ray’s dick and Ray was laid out practically naked looking completely ravished. Ryan hummed in pleasure.  
  
“You’re gorgeous like that,” Ryan said and Ray ignored him in favor of watching as he ran a finger through the come that had pooled on Ray’s abdomen and offered it to him. He hesitantly took the digit into his mouth and sucked at it obscenely.  
  
“I can return the favor if you want,” Ray started after pulling away from the finger, leaning up as he spoke.  
  
“Actually,” Ryan said, unzipping his pants and getting his dick out just inches from Ray’s face, “I think I’ll just finish myself off,” he began to stroke himself. He looked down at Ray hungrily.  
  
“I’m- _fuck-_ really close,” Ryan moaned quietly, and Ray watched him intently as he jerked himself off, “Can I come on your face?”  
  
Ray closed his eyes for a moment so that he could fully absorb how they fucking got here with Ryan asking if he could come on Ray’s face in the middle of the night. It was only a second, and Ray opened his eyes and said, “Yeah.”  
  
Ryan’s hand was faster on his cock and then it was the quick movement of his other hand, pushing Ray’s glasses up into his hair. That was all the warning Ray got before Ryan was moaning just this side of too loud and coming on Ray’s face, come clinging to Ray’s long lashes and smattering over his mouth till it was dripping down his chin. Ray felt fucking filthy, and it was so hot.  
  
Ray’s eyes were closed and he almost wanted to laugh because letting someone come on his face was one thing, but the actual act of it was really fucking messy. He let a small chuckle escape him as he searched blindly for something to wipe his face with. He found his shirt and wiped his face and stomach with it, fully laughing when he opened his eyes and found Ryan looking wrecked still sitting in his lap.  
  
“Okay, let me in on what’s funny,” Ryan said eventually, after catching his breath.  
  
“ _‘Can I come on your face?’_.” Ray mocked and then laughed again, “What would you have done if I said no?”  
  
Ryan rolled his eyes but smirked, “I would’ve asked Michael next, obviously.”  
  
“Jesus fuck I completely forgot about him- were we loud? Shit,” Ray said, chuckling nonetheless as he pulled up his pants and slipped his hoodie back on, tossing his soiled shirt to the ground.  
  
“Uh, good question. Well I don’t know about me, but you maybe yelled my name. Maybe,” Ryan made a face that said yikes on so many levels and Ray groaned and threw himself back on his bed.  
  
Ryan laid beside him and reached over to put his glasses back on his face.  
  
“You have really long eyelashes,” Ryan said after a minute.  
  
“I get that a lot,” Ray said.  
  
Ryan hummed after another moment, “I can hear you thinking. Quit it.”  
  
“We can’t all be completely unconcerned with the big picture, Haywood,”  
  
“Hey! I’m concerned. Sometimes,” Ryan said, chuckling. “Okay, is it about this,” he gestured between them, “Or is it about Michael?”  
  
Ray rolled his eyes, “They seemed kinda linked at this point.”  
  
“Point taken. But you’re worried about Michael,” Ryan said. Ray nodded and Ryan continued, “Well then go talk to him. It helped last time!”  
  
“Ugh, it was a big fight last time,” Ray muttered.  
  
Ryan was silent for a minute, “You never told me what happened,”  
  
“Yeah I did, I said we figured it out. What else is there to know?”  
  
“Well I’m just now finding out it was a fight,” Ryan frowned.  
  
“Michael’s an angry guy, anything can turn into a fight,” Ray said, staring at the ceiling while Ryan stared at the side of his face.  
  
Ryan paused, “He didn’t-,”  
  
“Michael would _never_ hurt me, he’s my best friend. He just gets loud and upset, it’s no big deal.”  
  
“Okay, okay. So what do you want to do?” Ryan asked, “Cause it seems like you’re gonna have to talk to him eventually. Unless, well, unless you just want to stop doing this- I’d totally get it,”  
  
“Shut up. I’m not picking a friend, this is so dumb. I’ll talk to him.” Ray decided, sighing.  
  
Just then he heard a creak and when he and Ryan turned to the door it was Michael in the doorway holding a bowl of cereal, “You wanna talk now?” he said through a mouthful of chocolate cheerios.  
  
Ray flushed and sat up, totally caught off-guard, “Uh, sure?”  
  
Michael nodded and then made to walk out of the room, but not before he paused and said, “Hey Ryan.”  
  
“Hi. Michael.” Ryan responded, shrugging when Ray gestured at him frantically.  
  
“What did you want me to do?” Ryan asked quietly.  
  
“I don’t know! How long was he standing there?” Ray asked looking over his shoulder.  
  
“I honestly have no idea,” Ryan responded. Ray sighed and Ryan rolled his eyes and pushed him off the bed, “Go talk to him!”  
  
Ray flipped him off and then took a second to compose himself. He knew he looked an absolute wreck and there was no hiding it. He zipped up his hoodie, made sure his pants were zipped and then walked out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this entire fic just a PSA for communication being important? Who knows!  
> Hahaha, I hope you guys liked this one! There's no crying in this chapter so no sadness here!
> 
> Leave kudos if you haven't already, and let me know in the comments what you think!  
> Chapter 10 will be up on Friday!


	10. Chapter 10

Michael was sitting on the couch in just his boxers eating his fucking cereal as calm as can be. Ray stood just looking at him for a minute, trying to gage his mood. Michael looked up at him and patted the spot beside him on the couch.  
  
“Come sit down, you moron.” Michael said, and well that was a good sign probably.  
  
Ray sat down and waited. They were really just sitting in front of some episode of Futurama he’d seen a thousand times, not saying anything. He wasn’t sure what he was waiting for, but as Michael scooped the last few spoonfuls of cereal into his mouth, Ray realized that Michael was gonna finish his cereal before they talked. Michael was biding his time trying to figure out how exactly he was going to tackle this, how he was gonna get through to Ray.  
  
Michael finished off his cereal, lowered the volume on Futurama- lowered not paused- and then turned to face Ray. Ray was tense.  
  
“Well, first of all, thanks for _the show.”_ Michael said with a huge grin and Ray wanted to _die._  
  
“Oh my god.”  
  
Humor works. Humor can work with this, keep it lighthearted, keep Ray from freaking out and running away from the conversation. Michael made the mental note, then continued, keeping the grin.  
  
“Second of all, Ray. My dear, sweet, dumb fuck,” Michael said sweetly, “Why do you keep fucking lying to me?”  
  
“I resent that, I only lied once,” Ray responded, trying to keep it in the tone of banter.  
  
“Really?” Michael said, shaken from his line of thought, actually sounding like he didn’t believe him.  
  
“Well yeah. I haven’t seen Ryan in, like, weeks.” Ray said.  
  
Michael paused, trying to figure something out, “So- the moaning I’ve been hearing...?”  
  
“Oh my god.” Ray said, putting his face in his hands. You’d think that by now he would’ve mastered the silent jerk off.  
  
“Well. Alright then.” Michael chuckled, and then shook his head, “That. Well that’s fucking hilarious I’m gonna need a minute.”  
  
Ray scrunched his eyes closed as Michael laughed for like two minutes- and not just giggling, straight up cackling at the top of his lungs. Ray wanted to fucking die.  
  
“Okay- _okay enough,_ I get it! I’m weird and loud and need to get ahold of myself, can we move on _please?”_ Ray piped up eventually.  
  
“Fine, but really Ray. Honestly, can you really not rein it in?” Michael said, a laugh hiding behind his words.  
  
Ray flushed, “I get… caught up in the moment, _okay?”_  
  
“With your fucking _hand?”_ Michael let out another cackle and Ray stared at the ceiling in pure unadulterated embarrassment.  
  
“Okay fine I’m done laughing, I swear. Jesus, okay,” Michael wiped his eyes, “What were we talking about?”  
  
“Uh, I’m a liar?”  
  
“Right! Hey, stop being a cunt and lying to me,” Michael said.  
  
“Again, I only lied once,” Ray said, exasperated that they still hadn’t moved from the point.  
  
“Look the point is, you and Ryan are boning, right?” Michael asked point-blank. Ray was frozen. Clearly Michael already knew the answer, but wanted to hear it from Ray. Ray couldn’t get the words out.  
  
“Okay, I don’t need you to confirm it. Hey _Ryan!”_ Michael called out, and Ryan popped out from around the corner, looking very disheveled.  
  
“Yeah?” Ryan said.  
  
“What the hell Ryan, are you just listening to us?” Ray asked, really hoping the answer was no.  
  
“Uh… no…” Ryan said mischievously, his stupid face giving him away.  
  
“Oh my god. Why do I have to spend my entire life embarrassed by you fucks?” Ray groaned, laying back against the couch.  
  
“Well that’s not what I called you out here for- hey Ryan, are you and Ray boning?” Michael asked, putting his finger through the circle of his other hand as if Ryan needed the demonstration.  
  
“Hm… define _boning,”_ Ryan said, obviously trying to complicate everything in Ray’s life as much as he could. Ray gestured at him frantically to fucking quit it, but Ryan just shrugged as if he was helpless against his own fucking words.  
  
“Dick in ass, dick in mouth, I guess I could also count dick in hand if you needed me to?” Michael answered as nonchalantly as he could muster, and Ryan appeared to be running down the list mentally.  
  
“It’s a yes or no question, Ryan. Really, it’s not very difficult,” Michael continued and then turned to Ray and muttered, “I thought this guy was supposed to be smart?”  
  
“Then I guess I would say, yes, very recently,” Ryan responded. This was probably the most words exchanged between Michael and Ryan that Ray had witnessed, and he felt like he had stepped through the god damn looking glass. Super weird… super fucking weird.  
  
“Very recently, jesus, Ray did I just listen to you lose your virginity?” Michael said.  
  
“You were _listening?!”_ “You’re a _virgin?!”_  
  
Michael laughed hysterically as Ray and Ryan talked over one another.  
  
“I’m not a virgin Ryan, jesus christ this is the stupidest conversation I’ve ever been a part of,” Ray said to Ryan, who had entered the room more fully.  
  
“I mean- no wait, that sounded really fucked up- I just meant. Like, it’s fine if you were-,”  
  
“Jeeesus christ,” Michael laughed.  
  
“I would just. Have preferred if you- you had told me-,” Ryan said nervously, crossing and uncrossing his arms defensively and avoiding Ray’s eye. Michael was still laughing his ass off beside Ray, enjoying every minute of it.  
  
“Ryan. You giant fucking moron. Think about it,” Ray said monotonously, “Do you really think- look at me, you fucking moron- do you really think I’m a virgin?”  
  
Michael’s laughter got more choked up until it sounded like he was coughing.  
  
Ryan looked at Ray, who looked beyond annoyed. He chuckled nervously, “Uh. No.”  
  
Michael clapped his hands as he caught his breath, “Ding ding ding! We have a winner!”  
  
Ryan’s shoulders relaxed and Ray was sure that he was losing his fucking mind. Ryan made to awkwardly leave back to Ray’s room, but Michael stopped him.  
  
“Wait, don’t leave yet,” Michael said, and Ryan turned around, “I need to talk to both of you massive idiots.” Ray shrugged at Ryan who just walked more fully into the room and leaned against the wall. Michael took a breath to think.  
  
Michael was fucking tired of Ray feeling like he had to keep everything under wraps. He knew they couldn’t go back to the way things were before their talk, but he wanted to get as close to that as he could. Ray used to tell him fucking everything- almost too much- even if Michael didn’t tell him everything in return. Michael missed that, and knew that Ray needed that outlet, that freedom to say anything again. Even if it hurt Michael, he wanted that back _at least._  
  
Obviously at _best_ he was still secretly hoping that Ray would fall in love with him by some magical miracle of god knows what. But that was super buried. Like _super_ buried. Hopefully.  
  
Michael wasn’t lying when he said that Ryan seemed like a swell guy- even if he said it to hurt Ray. It was really shitty at first. Michael had always purposely gone out of his way to never meet Ray’s previous boyfriends or girlfriends or whatever fling he had. Not being able to avoid seeing Ryan had been really bad for Michael’s self-esteem. The guy’s an Adonis. But Michael was willing to work on it if it meant he’d get even an iota closer to how he and Ray had been before all this.  
  
Michael looked between the two of them and rolled his eyes. “I don’t care if you guys are fucking, or not fucking, or whatever the fuck is going on.” Michael ran a hand through his hair and continued, “Just- Ray, you don’t need to try and sneak around behind my back to do it, okay?”  
  
Ray looked at Ryan guiltily and then back at Michael, “Sorry, Michael. I just-,” Ray glanced at Ryan and just spoke a little more quietly, “I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.”  
  
“Look,” Michael started glancing at Ryan the same way Ray did, “No matter how you cut it, this virtually kinda sucks for me. Right?”  
  
“… yeah, but-,”  
  
“But nothing, dude.” Michael interrupted, acknowledging Ryan now, “This is for you too, man. You can’t let him keep trying to hide you from me or whatever.”  
  
Ryan nodded somberly as Michael continued, “This whole thing isn’t gonna work if we keep tip toeing around each other.”  
  
“So… you’re cool with this?” Ray gestured between himself and Ryan.  
  
Michael sighed and scratched at his head absently, trying to think of what degree of truth would be best. He honestly wasn’t sure how cool with it he really was. But he knew he definitely couldn’t do anything to stop it. He went with, “Well, yeah dude. I want you to be happy. But even if I wasn’t cool with it, that shouldn’t stop you dude!”  
  
Ray smiled sadly, eyes feeling a little teary because he loves Michael so fucking much. Ray leaned over and hugged him, and let out a breath that he felt like he had been holding in for weeks now. This was probably the first time he and Michael had actually touched in over a month, maybe. Ray breathed him in and Michael’s arms came up to encircle his waist, as if he had realized the same thing. Ray let his hand drift up so he could run his fingers lightly through the back of Michael’s curls- something he used to do all the time when they hugged and had almost forgotten about.  
  
Ryan smiled from where he was sat facing them. He felt like he was intruding on a moment between them, just watching like that, so he averted his eyes. He felt iffy about how okay Michael _actually_ was with their situation, but knew that this, at least, would make Ray feel better.  
  
They separated, and Ryan was snapped away from his thoughts as he watched them talk quietly to each other. He couldn’t catch what they were saying, but they did a little handshake thing and then Michael waved awkwardly at Ryan before walking off to his room. Ryan smiled and waved back. He hoped they would get past the awkward stage fast, because every night he and Ray weren’t hanging out at Ryan’s place they’d be hanging out here.  
  
Ray stood and nodded toward his room, walking in ahead of Ryan. Ryan stood in the silence of the living room for a moment, wondering if he could soak up the feeling left in the room. If it would help him feel like this was actually resolved.  
  
It didn’t.  
  
Ryan followed Ray into his room.  
  
The room was bathed in the orange-yellow light of the floor lamp, and Ray was sitting on his mattress. Ryan wasn’t sure if he was going to stay the night, but once he saw Ray sitting there, long shadows falling off of him and tracing dark pools onto the floor, light glowing over his face like honey- well how could he resist. Ryan fell onto the mattress beside him, his shadows spilling over Ray, and Ray looked at him with an amused question on his face.  
  
“What?” Ryan asked.  
  
“You look dazed.” Ray said, still smiling oddly.  
  
“And you look pretty. Are we just telling each other how we look, is that what we’re doing?” Ryan responded and Ray laughed.  
  
“No, dumbass, I’m just wondering what’s got you looking so out of it,” Ray said through a chuckle.  
  
Ryan pursed his lips, “Just thinking.”  
  
Ray unzipped his hoodie and laid back on the bed, “About?” Ryan’s eyes traced lines down Ray’s bare chest to his flat tummy and then back up to his eyes. Ray didn’t look him in the eyes very often, but Ryan was always looking at his. Wondering where they were looking.  
  
“A lot of things.”  
  
“Okay, vague guy Haywood. Mind telling me one of the things?” Ray responded. His eyes were on the ceiling.  
  
“You.” Ray’s gaze glanced over Ryan’s eyes as he spoke before falling to his chest. Ray took his hoodie off completely and tossed it aside.  
  
“You think too much,” Ray said, pushing Ryan’s hoodie off of his shoulders as he did. Ryan let him take the hoodie off and kept his sigh to himself. He had to remember that Ray was in this for the physical side of things, and if he blurred the lines too much Ray would just switch gears.  
  
Ray pulled Ryan in by his t-shirt, kissing him and simultaneously sitting Ryan in his lap. Ryan kissed back softly, teasingly, wanting Ray to get worked up. With every slide of their mouths against one another Ryan pulled back slightly so that Ray had to lean forward to capture his lips in another kiss. Ryan managed to pull Ray in so far that he had gone from laying down flat to sitting up, his hands trailing down Ryan’s shoulder blades to his waist. Ryan grinned against his lips, Ray was so easy. Ray was smiling too, holding back a chuckle and failing, and soon they were just laughing against each other’s mouths.  
  
“Why are you laughing?” Ryan asked.  
  
“Why are _you_ laughing?” Ray replied, still grinning. Ryan just shrugged and leaned in again to kiss his laughing mouth, and it only made Ray laugh louder, leaning back with that adorable squinty-eyed grin and really Ryan couldn’t fucking help it.  
  
“You are so cute,” he leaned in so that their noses were rubbing against each other- practically an eskimo kiss for fuck’s sake he is so _weak._ And it was great, for about a second before Ray’s smile faded immediately and his hands came off of Ryan’s waist and Ryan wanted to rewind and unsay the words because Ray was backing way the hell off.  
  
“Uh, so were you gonna stay over? We, I’ll- uh- I can put on like, Breaking Bad? Or like, Stranger Things?” Ray’s hands were scrambling around for the controller and his eyes were wide and avoiding Ryan’s even more than before if that was possible.  
  
Ryan sighed, and pushed himself out of Ray’s lap to sit next to him, “Sure, Stranger Things. I’m a little methed out on Breaking Bad.”  
  
Ryan could practically _feel_ Ray’s pulse calming down as he spoke. Ray snorted, “Methed out. Christ.” He hit play on episode one of Stranger Things, “I wish I had grown up in the eighties.”  
  
“Really?” Ryan said, chuckling.  
  
“Oh my god this scientist is dead as dicks, dude.”  
  
They sat in silence after that for a bit, Ryan berating himself for pushing his luck. Ray could be so receptive sometimes, and then. Well then, there was times like this where Ray was very firmly aware of where he wanted the line to be. That was okay. Ryan was working him up to it.  
  
Yeah, he was working Ray up to the possibility of maybe… considering something more than a friends with benefits thing.  
  
_“What!?”_ Geoff yelled, the next day when Ryan decided to vent to him and Jack.  
  
“Jesus, is it that hard to believe?” Ryan said, his hands gripping his knees, christ why did he tell Geoff?  
  
Jack laughed, “Sorry Geoff, looks like you lost your chance.”  
  
Geoff grimaced, “You think I didn’t think that when they started boning, Jack?” Ryan’s eyes widened.  
  
“Oh my god, is _everyone_ trying to get with Ray?” Ryan asked, exasperated. And terrified because Geoff was kind of scary sometimes, even though it was probably just an optical illusion because of his tattoos. Jack and Geoff exchanged a look and then started laughing hysterically. Ryan waited patiently to be let in on whatever the joke was.  
  
“Oh god, no. I don’t know what you guys see in the kid honestly. Sure he’s cute, but he’s basically a hermit,” Geoff said, wiping laughter tears from his eyes, “No, no. Lost my so-called chances of boning _you,_ dumbass.”  
  
Ryan blushed a little at that, “Me?”  
  
“Ryan, we had like five guys trying to rent the room you’re in. We knew like four of them better than you. Geoff had final say because I got the bigger room. Do the math.” Jack chuckled.  
  
Ryan looked at Geoff who was just smiling sheepishly, a little blushy, and winked at him. And, well fuck, Geoff is super attractive but Ryan always considered that brand of- well, whatever Geoff’s look was- kind of out of his league. Ryan was at a super loss for words and was kinda just mumbling syllables that didn’t add up to make any words and- okay _focus._  
  
“I-uh, haha- um,”  
  
Geoff chuckled at Ryan’s stumbling, “Don’t count me out just yet, Jack.”  
  
Jack rolled his eyes, “Noted.”  
  
Ryan blushed harder if it was possible and Geoff’s chuckle turned into a full-on laugh, and Ryan really wanted to sidestep this if possible.  
  
_“Anyway,_ do you guys think I can do it?”  
  
“Do what? Turn me down? Nah, I don’t think anyone can,” Geoff said, raising his eyebrows and barely stifling a giggle as he put a hand on Ryan’s knee.  
  
“Geoff, guys, c’mon be serious I’m- I really like him.” Ryan said, and Geoff rolled his eyes, pulled away, and looked to Jack, who was always better at this sappy crap.  
  
Jack sighed, “Sorry if we seem super nonchalant about this, Ryan, you just sound exactly like Michael.”  
  
Ryan winced, “If they ever had sex, I just don’t wanna know.”  
  
“No, no not like that just. The pining, the hoping, the planning. No offense, we’ve just heard it all before.” Jack continued, “Ray… well we don’t know what Ray’s got going on to be honest. If anyone knows, well,” Jack glanced at Geoff who shrugged.  
  
“If anyone knows, it’s Michael.” Geoff said, finishing Jack’s thought. Ryan put his head in his hands and sighed.  
  
“Seriously, Ray only dated a handful of people super briefly, super privately, and basically never brought them up. He’s a fucking mystery spot, dude.” Geoff continued, shrugging.  
  
“But, if it helps,” Jack said at Ryan’s hopeless look, “Michael was never having any sex with Ray at all, and you’re having _some_ sort of sex with him on the regular so. That’s probably a good sign.”  
  
Ryan sighed and Geoff chuckled. Ryan looked up through his fingers and mumbled, “Geoff, this isn’t helping.”  
  
“No, no sorry, I just thought of a joke. But I won’t say it.” Geoff chuckled.  
  
“Okay.” Ryan replied and went back to mourning himself.  
  
“… The joke was that Michael was in the friendzone and now _you’re_ in the _fuckzone.”_ Geoff said and then started laughing, Jack chuckling along quietly.  
  
“That’s really helpful, Geoff, thank you,” Ryan mumbled.  
  
“Anything I can do to help, buddy.” Geoff stood up and clapped him on the shoulder before walking away.  
  
**  
  
**Ray: what r u doing rn rn**  
  
Ryan got the text about five minutes ago and was stretching out his willpower legs by not answering right away. Five minutes is a long time. What if he needed Ryan’s help? Okay five minutes is plenty, really it is, and coding homework is a pain in the ass really he could just bullshit it before class.  
  
**Ryan: Homework.**  
  
Short, simple, totally not desperate. Totally not desperate at all.  
  
**Ray: boring**  
  
**Ray: come over n let me suck you off**  
  
Ryan tripped over himself trying to get out of his room and send a text at the same time, pausing for a second in his car to calm down and hit send so that he could convince himself to not just gun it all the way to Ray’s.  
  
**Ryan: On my way.**  
  
Ray let him in the front door and, even though Ryan was prepared to sit through an episode or two of Friends before anything happened, Ray was on him as soon as he got the door open. Pulling him in by his hoodie and slamming him against the door, pushing it closed behind them.  
  
Ray’s mouth was hot and heady to Ryan’s senses, making him dizzy with the heat of it. _This_ was fucking new. He gave as good as he got, Ray pushing at his hoodie insistently until it fell to the floor, slipping his hands under his shirt and running them along his bare skin.  
  
Ray broke from the kiss to mouth down Ryan’s neck wetly, and christ he was riled up. Ryan took the moment to catch his breath and stare at the ceiling, sure that whatever god was looking down knew that this was both heaven and hell. Ryan begged silently for either god or the devil to take notes. Ray dragged him closer by his beltloops.  
  
“Someone’s eager,” Ryan eventually said, breathless. Ray chuckled against his neck and pulled way to look at him through those fucking eyelashes.  
  
“Am I giving you whiplash?” Ray pulled at his beltloops again so that their hips were flush against each other.  
  
“Maybe,” Ryan breathed out, and Ray just chuckled again and yanked the collar of Ryan’s shirt down so he could suck a mark just below the cut of his collarbone. _“Ah,_ but I guess pain and- _mm-_ pleasure get mixed up in my head,”  
  
Ray pulled away when he was satisfied with his work and raised an eyebrow at Ryan’s words, “Sounds like a good time.” He grabbed the hem of Ryan’s shirt and yanked it over his head, tossing it on the floor and smirking when he could get his hands on his chest. He trailed his blunt nails down lightly, pushing harder and harder into the skin as the skimmed downwards. Ryan bit his lip and slammed his head back against the door. Fuck, they were still at the front door.  
  
Ray smirked and hooked his fingers into one of Ryan’s beltloops again, and walked away without warning, dragging Ryan as he stumbled after. Ray pulled him over to his room, pushed him onto the mattress, and closed the door behind him. Ryan’s chest was flushed with the sudden turn of events, Ray taking charge. Vaguely, he knew that he and Ray were around the same height, but Ray made himself so small all the time that Ryan hadn’t realized that he could step into himself in a way that made him so _assertive._  
  
It was really hot.  
  
Ray stepped over him so that Ryan was lying between the V of Ray’s legs, and then dropped down slowly so he was sitting squarely on Ryan’s hips. Ryan watched through hooded eyes as Ray slid down his body, scraping his nails down Ryan’s chest as he went, until he was lying down between Ryan’s legs. Ray undid his pants and pulled them to mid-thigh, palming him through his boxer briefs before getting those out of the way as well.  
  
Ryan’s dick slapped onto his stomach, and Ray didn’t hesitate to lick over his length slowly, sucking the tip into his mouth for a minute, and Ryan was a fucking _goner._ He thrusted helplessly into the heat of Ray’s mouth and Ray pulled off.  
  
“If you choke me, I’ll choke you, you fucker,” Ray said, biting at Ryan’s hipbone for good measure.  
  
Ryan bit at his lower lip, “Is that a threat or a promise?”  
  
Ray rolled his eyes and got a grip on Ryan’s hips to hold him down before sinking his mouth down over his cock, working past his gag reflex. Ryan hissed at the wet heat of Ray’s mouth and took hold of his hair, making Ray moan lowly. Ray felt Ryan struggling not to thrust into his mouth and let his nails bite crescent marks into Ryan’s sharp hipbones to ground him.  
  
Ryan whined, _“Fuck, fuck-,”_ the sharp pain of Ray’s grip on his hips muddled with the intense pleasure of Ray going down on him was nothing short of fucking irresistible. Ray was greedy with his mouth, taking all he could get, sucking him off wet and messy and dirty. He was making filthy noises around Ryan and christ, if Ray hadn’t been holding his hips down Ryan wouldn’t have anything holding him back.  
  
“God, your fucking _mouth, ah,”_ Ryan moaned out, too-loud but too fucked on _this_ for it to even register.  
  
Ray pulled off of him and grabbed the base of his dick so he could lap teasingly at the head of Ryan’s cock while his eyes drank in the flushed picture of debauchery Ryan made spread out on his bed, clawing at his sheets. Ray started thrusting his hips down against the mattress, seeking friction against his cock. He smirked and jacked Ryan’s spit-slicked length for a bit while he spoke.  
  
“Bet you’re wishing I had returned the favor last time, hm?” Ray said, voice absolutely wrecked, lips bruised and red.  
  
Ryan felt like there were flames licking at his edges just looking at Ray, he was sure he looked… less than put together to say in the least. “You’ve been holding out on me.” Ryan caught the movement of Ray’s hips thrusting against the mattress subtly, and cursed, tossing his head back against the mattress to memorize the look of the movement, “Fuck.”  
  
Ray smirked and leaned down to mouth at Ryan’s balls before trailing back up his cock and then swallowing him down, deep throating him in one fell swoop.  
  
“Oh _fuckfuckfuck- fuck me, ah-!”_ Ryan moaned out, sweat beading on his forehead and god, how could Ray be so fucking unabashedly good at sucking cock, fuck. Ryan was steadily dripping precome and Ray was swallowing around him, hot and heady. His mouth was like velvet around Ryan’s cock, bobbing his head as Ryan struggled not to thrust into his throat and choke him. God, the sounds he was making were driving Ryan up the wall.  
  
Ray pulled off suddenly, with an obscene _pop!_ and while still jerking him, leaned up to whisper into Ryan’s ear, “Next time, I’m gonna suck you off till you’re nice and wet for me,” Ryan groaned helplessly, “then I’m gonna let you fuck me _nice and rough._ Sound good?”  
  
Ryan closed his eyes and tried to focus, he was so _close,_ and nodded shakily. He could feel Ray’s lips dragging against the slant of his cheekbone as he slid back down Ryan’s body.  
  
“Good. Now, come for me.” Ray said his mouth waiting open in front of his cock, pink tongue sticking out, jerking him off fast and hard.  
  
Ryan came with a shout, and swore he felt his soul leave his fucking body. He saw fucking red, blind with white hot pleasure as his release wracked through him, body arching off of the bed in an exaggerated curve of his spine. When his sight returned it was to the image of Ray licking the rest of his come off of his kiss-bitten lips, and smirking that god forsaken fucking smirk.  
  
He knows how fucking good he is, and Ryan would hate that if he didn’t _love every minute of it._  
  
Ryan pulled him into his lap and kissed his way into his mouth, trying to steal the breath out of him with the slide of his tongue against Ray’s. Ryan slid his hand down from his neck, trailing down his chest until he tucked a finger into his waistband. Ray smacked his hand away and tried to pull him back into the kiss.  
  
Ryan pulled back, “C’mon let me return the favor,” he said in a teasing tone, mimicking the last time when Ray had asked, his hand fighting Ray’s between them. Ray turned away, blushing so Ryan was talking to his cheek.  
  
“Uh, no need, I’m good honestly.” Ray said and leaned out of Ryan’s grasp. Ryan caught him by the shirt.  
  
“You didn’t-?” Ryan asked.  
  
“I- I might have.” Ray responded, resolutely staring at anything but Ryan’s face.  
  
_“God._ You’re killing me. You might actually be killing me.” Ryan said, laying back on Ray’s mattress.  
  
Ray laughed and then stood to turn on his Xbox, “Look at this way, you could be doing heroin, but instead you’re doing me.”  
  
Ryan stared at the bumps of the ceiling, “Both are equally as addicting.”  
  
“But only _one_ will actually ruin your life then kill you.” Ray responded, clicking on Netflix.  
  
Ryan hummed, “Yeah. You’re talking about you, right?”  
  
Ray laughed and threw his pillow at him, “I’m talking about _heroin,_ you fucking dick.”  
  
Ryan chuckled, “Could’ve fooled me.”  
  
Ray rolled his eyes playfully and looked for something to watch. Ryan sighed to himself, Ray had no fucking idea how much he was really killing him. But that’s okay. He’s working him up to it. Really. He is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow 10 chapters that's. That's a lot.  
> I hope you guys liked this one! There's still a whole lot to come after this so I hope you're ready!  
> Chapter 11 should be up on Sunday!  
> Also, here's my [tumblr](http://podcastandkill.tumblr.com/) if you want to yell at me there, feel free.  
> ♥


	11. Chapter 11

Over the course of the next few days, Ryan had been slammed into so many walls that his shoulder blades were becoming sore from hitting them so hard. Ray was ravenous and he was _everywhere._ It seemed like the final push from Michael was all he needed to get from zero to sixty with the flip of a switch. Ryan was drowning in his insatiability- Ray was like a bottomless pit of sex drive. God, it was to _die_ for.  
  
Ryan walked into the kitchen and sent a silent apology to his shoulders as Ray slammed him against the wall there.  
  
“Okay, _ow,”_ Ryan said, looking down at Ray’s hands on his bare chest. Ray had effectively _dirtied_ more than a few of Ryan’s shirts, so Ryan had opted for being shirtless as often as he could, and as he looked down now he noticed that he was absolutely littered with bruises of all kinds. Ray laughed and Ryan looked up and raised an eyebrow at him.  
  
“You laugh, but look at what you’ve done to me!” Ryan said, eyes crinkling up with laughter as he did a little spin, sure that there were bruises dotting his back as well.  
  
“Oh my god,” Ray said as Ryan turned all the way around, “You look like a dalmation, holy fuck.”  
  
“Right? I’m in pain!” Ryan said, still laughing as Ray smacked at him playfully.  
  
“It’s not my fault that your pale skin is just _asking_ me to leave bruises. And hey! Like half of these are hickies.” Ray said, pointing at some lining Ryan’s neck and his hip bones.  
  
“Hickies are still bruises, one. Two, saying my skin was asking for it is slut shaming, and I won’t stand for it!” Ryan crossed his arms with a pout.  
  
“Fine, no more hickies then.” Ray said, quirking an eyebrow.  
  
“Aw, that’s just cruel.” Ryan said, dropping his arms. Ray laughed and then leaned in and sucked another mark onto Ryan’s chest, groping at his hips as he did. Ryan sighed softly, “I’m never gonna fully recover from this.”  
  
This was pretty much how it had been going. Michael had sexiled himself for a few days after running into Ryan shirtless for the millionth time in one day, and since then it was pretty consistent. They’d watch something for a few minutes, Ray would blow him or vice versa, Ryan would escape for a second to smoke a cigarette or get some water- god forbid he got dehydrated- and Ray would drag him back and get on his dick.  
  
It seemed almost repetitive at this point but they were in no way getting tired of it.  
  
Ray pushed him onto the couch, and Ryan wondered if he did this because he got bored of the bed. They had christened a few other places in the small apartment- which is hard to say because it’s not like there’s many rooms to begin with- and Ryan was almost scared that Ray was going to suggest something a little crazy every time. Like Michael’s room. He’s pretty sure he could do it, but not with a clear conscience.  
  
“I can hear you thinking, stop thinking,” Ray said. “That’s _my_ line,” Ryan muttered as Ray tossed condoms and lube onto the couch next to him before climbing into his lap and putting his mouth on him.  
  
That was another thing, the condoms. They had gone through quite a bit, and just their existence was driving Ryan crazy. Not in that he didn’t want to use them- no, not that. But where in the hell did Ray get this many condoms? Why did he have this many? Ryan just had these questions boggling around in his head, even as Ray sucked a sensitive nipple into his mouth and caused Ryan to cry out.  
  
_“Ah, fuck,”_ also, Ryan was also getting way too comfortable with how loud he was being.  
  
Ray pulled back with a smirk, and grabbed for the lube to hand to Ryan. _This,_ Ryan enjoyed. Ryan got a decent amount onto his fingers and reached down between Ray’s legs. He teased his fingers around Ray’s hole and watched Ray’s expression get twisted with want. This part of things was less prepping than it was actually just fingering Ray because Ray clearly enjoyed it.  
  
And Ryan, in turn, enjoyed every minute that Ray indulged himself. Ryan’s finger pressed lightly into his entrance, slowly, waiting for the go ahead. When Ray gave the nod, Ryan’s finger pushed into him, a high whine escaping Ray’s mouth, back arching as Ryan slid the finger in all the way. Ryan slipped in another and Ray let out a whimper as Ryan pressed against the bundle of nerves inside him.  
  
_“Fuck,_ yes,” Ray let out, voice high with want.  
  
Ryan watched his reaction greedily, Ray always lost himself a bit more when he let Ryan do this, and Ryan couldn’t help but drink it in while he could. Ray was grinding down against his fingers, almost bouncing down on them, and it was quite a fucking sight. He really was gorgeous, uninhibited like this. Ryan pressed in another digit and the only sounds in the room were Ray’s harsh breathing and moaning as he urged Ryan to, _“Please, yes- more, fuck,”_  
  
What kind of asshole would Ryan be if he didn’t comply?  
  
Ryan curled his fingers again to find that sweet spot and Ray threw his head back to let out a loud moan, his grip on Ryan’s shoulders going tight. Ryan kept brushing against it, and Ray had to grab his wrist to warn him before he got too close. Ryan’s eyes went dark with the intense _want_ to finish Ray off like this, without ever touching his cock. It was so tempting, he was almost hollow with the idea of it rattling around in his skull, knocking out any other thought. He pulled out slowly, holding on to the thought that maybe Ray would let him do that another time, but right now- well, right _now-_  
  
“Fuck me. C’mon get the condom, I want you to _fuck me.”_ Ray said hotly against his cheek, and Ryan was scrambling for a condom. _Another time._  
  
Ray rolled the condom over his cock, and then grabbed for the lube, stroking over Ryan’s neglected cock before lubing him up. Ryan let out a gravely moan that had Ray’s hands going faster because he wanted more of that sound ASA-fucking-P. Ryan’s eyes were an almost darker blue that Ray could only glance at because his gaze was so _hungry_ it was almost too much. Like his eyes were a fucking wave in the ocean ready to swallow him up.  
  
“Fuck okay,” Ray said, almost in response to Ryan’s wordless question, and lifted himself up to guide Ryan’s cock to his entrance. Ryan groaned as his cock brushed against Ray’s hole, he bit his lip to try and contain himself. Ray sank down slowly in one movement until he bottomed out, eyes closed so those long lashes were on display. He was so tight it was _searing_ and Ryan could feel as Ray stretched around him, taking him like he was fucking born for it. Ryan leaned up and nipped at his jawline, and Ray’s face twitched at the feeling of it, like it was fucking with his concentration.  
  
Ryan hoped it was.  
  
He gave Ray a moment to adjust, and grabbed at the jut of Ray’s hips for something to ground him from trying to thrust into the tight _heat_ of Ray. “Fuck,” Ryan let out when Ray started to slowly move.  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Yeah- _yes,”_  
  
Ray lifted his hips so that Ryan was almost all the way out of him, slowly, teasingly, so that all that Ryan wanted to do was pull at his hair and scream and then in one movement, slammed them back down. Ray’s face was absolutely overwhelmed with the feeling of it, mouth dropping open, pink lips forming a soft ‘O’.  
  
“Fuck, _yes- mm- yes, yes, yes,”_ Ray groaned out, eyes fluttering closed and head thrown back, like he wasn’t even aware of the sounds he was making. It was obscene in the quiet little apartment, bouncing off the walls and echoing down the hallway. Ryan wanted to drown in it.  
  
Ryan was losing his fucking mind, could only breath hotly against Ray’s neck, trying desperately not to lose himself. Ray lifted himself again and Ryan was practically choking with the fucking movement of it, and then Ray set a brutal pace that had Ryan fucking _panting._  
  
_“Oh- god, fuck,”_ Ryan gasped out, Ray’s hips slamming down fast and hard while Ryan let Ray ride the fuck out of him.  
  
_“Fuck, oh fuck me, christ,”_ Ray whined out and if Ryan had the presence of mind he would have considered laughing. As much as Ryan was the one inside Ray, Ray was definitely the one doing the fucking. Fucking _hard_ and _fast_ and unrelentingly, insatiably, rough. His nails had been digging into Ryan’s back, scratching up and down him in a way that was hot with intense pleasure-pain and Ryan wanted to give him his soul for it.  
  
Ryan had wondered before if anyone had ever warned him, told him about what could happen when you _fuck_ and _kiss_ people so reckless and deep and easy, like every movement was a piece of him, like they could have every part if they asked. It’s addicting, a pot of honey sickly-sweet that looked a lot easier to escape than it actually was. It could be a trap.  
  
Still Ryan dove in, and Ray held him under, fucking onto his cock with everything he had, no hesitation, no holding back. Ray opened his eyes and Ryan could die for that look, like he had already been fucked for hours, pupils blown, jaw loose, lips bruised and still leaning in to kiss down Ryan’s neck.  
  
Ray pulled away and the constant, _“Ah, ah, ah,”_ that he let out with every downward hip thrust let Ryan know he was getting closer to the edge. Ray’s nails scraped down his shoulder blades roughly and Ryan grabbed him by the hips and helped him along, thrusting up to meet his downward thrusts, fucking him even harder.  
  
_“Yesss,”_ Ray let out, voice bouncing with the strength of every thrust.  
  
Ryan didn’t indulge in dirty talk when they were fucking, afraid he would get too caught up in it and say something that would send Ray running away. Couldn’t risk it. But he wanted to tell him how gorgeous and filthy he looked bouncing on Ryan’s cock, so greedy to get every ounce of pleasure he could squeeze out of him. Wanted to say that if Ray would let him he would fuck him into oblivion, until he was so overstimulated he was crying with it, pleasure overwhelming his every sense.  
  
Instead he just imagined it, and fucked into Ray harder with every thrust, “Fuck, _so good, so good, mm,”_  
  
Ray nodded, seemingly unaware of doing so, and then bit his lip so hard he nearly broke skin, and Ryan took this as a sign to start stroking his cock in time with his thrusts.  
  
“Oh FUCK, _fuck, yes, please- god, anything,”_ Ray moaned, voice getting rough with it.  
  
Ryan stroked over him fast and hard and as he felt Ray start to clench around him leaned in and bit as his collarbones, making Ray shout obscenely and then come _hard._ Ray’s nails scraped down Ryan’s back one final time as he painted his and Ryan’s stomach with stripes of come. He slumped forward as Ryan thrusted up two, three more times and came, cock pulsing inside Ray as his release spilled into the condom.  
  
Ray had just enough strength to push off of Ryan and fall onto the couch beside him not-so-gently. He whined as his ass hit the cushion at an odd angle, and Ryan chuckled. Ray was still breathing heavy but laughed in response anyway.  
  
“Shut up,” Ray laughed out, smacking at Ryan’s arm weakly.  
  
Ryan pulled off the condom and tied it off, getting up to throw it away and get a wet washcloth from Ray’s bathroom. When he came back he was still chuckling.  
  
“I’m not saying anything, I’m just orgasm-stupid,” Ryan said as he wiped the come off of him and then tossed the washcloth to Ray so he could do the same.  
  
“You’re _one_ of those things for sure,” Ray said, “Stupid. Stupid is the one you are, just so you know.”  
  
Ryan looked at Ray looking the way he fucking did, gorgeous and come-happy and laughing and yeah. He was fucking stupid. Stupid for Ray. Anything for Ray.  
  
“Maybe you’re right.” Ryan said, getting to close to the truth and trying to snap away from it.  
  
“Chill out, I’m kidding. Ryan, the smart guy. Taking advanced classes for no reason guy. Fucking me expertly until I can’t move guy.” Ray said, smiling that bright smile that Ryan couldn’t help but give back.  
  
“Alright, I get it, I’m amazing at everything and I’ve ruined you for everyone and everything else,” Ryan said, his tone sarcastic but good-humored as he turned on the Xbox.  
  
Ray rolled his eyes, “You say that like there’s no chance of it being true. It probably is.”  
  
Ryan could have fucking malfunctioned when Ray said that. He turned to look at Ray, wondering, is this it? Is this the moment, should he go for it? Ray wasn’t looking at him, as usual, but when he did it was like he could see Ryan thinking it. His face went tight in the way it did every time Ryan did this. Ryan must get some sort of look on his face that gave something away, because Ray always fucking _knew._  
  
“Or it probably isn’t. Don’t be weird, c’mon click the next episode of Stranger Things. I wanna see Eleven kick some ass.” Ray said. So Ryan clicked on the episode.  
  
He really wanted to know what Ray was thinking when he stopped Ryan before he could say something stupid. What did he think Ryan was going to say? Did he think Ryan was gonna crack a creepy joke, or did he think Ryan was gonna fucking get down on one knee? How could he blow it off so nonchalantly every time?  
  
The guy is the fucking master of the runaround. Always knew how to sidestep him. It was driving Ryan crazy, but he couldn’t get enough. He was still working him up to it.  
  
Ryan got home later that night, legs still a little off kilter from his earlier activities, and found that there were a few cardboard boxes stacked along the wall in the living room. They couldn’t be his because he had unpacked all his crap weeks ago, and it wasn’t much. He considered taking a peek at what they were, but he just wanted to sit down and see what he could do about the homework he had been ignoring.  
  
He walked into his room, and was immediately on the defense because he could see in the dark that someone was sitting at his desk in his chair. He flipped on the light hoping that it was just a trick of the light, and like a Bond-style villain, the dude spun around in his chair to face him.  
  
“Sup, Ryan. You cunt.”  
  
“Jeremy!? When did you-? How did you-?” Ryan stuttered, looking around his room, mystified, did he come through the window?  
  
“I transferred back, you miserable bastard. Boston was lame. Well, not really cause it was fucking awesome, just couldn’t really afford to keep living there. Did ya fucking miss me?” Jeremy said, getting up and walking towards him.  
  
“The upside is, we can be roomies again dude!” Jeremy gave him a bro-hug and oh boy Ryan forgot how short he is. So much man in such a small package. Ryan lifted him in the hug just because he could, and Jeremy laughed that whole-hearted laugh.  
  
“Well, I’m kinda living _here_ now, so-,” Ryan started when they let go of each other.  
  
“Geoff said I could crash in the basement for way less than I was paying in Boston, and now I’m here!” Jeremy said laughing.  
  
“Okay, everything you say is just bringing up more and more questions so I’m just gonna ask them all at once.”  
  
“Shoot.” Jeremy said, rolling his eyes.  
  
“One, how do you know Geoff? Two, are you staying in Texas permanently? And three, what the _fuck_ is going on with your hair?” Ryan said, patting the purple locks gently.  
  
“Through Xbox live, yeah probably, and I fucking dyed it dude tell me it looks rad.”  
  
Ryan nodded processing the info and laughing, “It looks rad!” Ryan pulled him into another hug and they laughed again and holy shit Ryan missed him so much.  
  
“Wait _one_ more question. Why am I a cunt?” Ryan asked.  
  
“Because, _Geoff_ had to be the one to tell me the whole thing with you and- Ray, right?” Jeremy asked and Ryan blanched, “Yeah, you cunt. Just _don’t_ tell me about your fucking boyfriend I guess!”  
  
“He’s _not-_ he’s not my boyfriend.” Ryan said, rolling his eyes and sitting on his desk chair while Jeremy made himself comfortable on the bed.  
  
_“Right,_ sure uh huh.” Jeremy said, fake coughing and pointing at his own neck to make fun at the hickies lining Ryan’s collar.  
  
“He really isn’t,” Ryan said, touching his neck self-consciously, “If you asked him he’d jump ten feet backwards and shout it at you,” Ryan said.  
  
“What? You guys seem tight from what Geoff told me.”  
  
“Yeah we are. But Ray wants to keep things… closer to friends with benefits than I’d like.” Ryan said, running a hand through his hair absently. He hadn’t kept this from Jeremy to be a prick, he just felt stupid when he had to explain it to anyone. So he’d just… skirted around the subject as best he could.  
  
“But you guys hang out like all the time,” Jeremy said.  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“And you’re fucking like every time you hang,”  
  
“Yep.”  
  
“And you’re super close and tell each other everything?” Jeremy asked.  
  
“Mhm.” Ryan wanted to bash his head into a wall with how simple it sounded when you laid it all out like that. Ray had to know there was something between them- or at least that Ryan was catching feelings big time- right?  
  
Jeremy chuckled, “Well, hate to break it to this Ray guy, but you guys are fucking dating dude. You’re boyfriends. Monogamy. All that shit.”  
  
“I mean. If that’s like a bullet point list of what it means to be dating, yeah I guess. He won’t do things like hold my hand, though. Nothing that’s too affectionate. He shuts me down right away.”  
  
“Okay so you’re past the honeymoon phase. You’re married.”  
  
“Shut up, jesus christ, no wonder I didn’t tell you,” Ryan tossed some pen that was on his desk at Jeremy and nailed him in the forehead.  
  
“Um, _ow._ And fuck you, you know I’m right.” Jeremy said, rubbing his forehead.  
  
Ryan sighed again, “Yeah, but he doesn’t see it.”  
  
Jeremy frowned, “That sucks dude. You should tell him.”  
  
“What. No, that would ruin everything.”  
  
“Or, it could fix everything,” Jeremy shrugged, “You never know dude. I say go for it.”  
  
“Yeah, easy for you to say. Anytime I get even close to saying it- saying _anything-_ it’s like he fucking knows! He jumps away from me like- like I’m on fire or something and tries to change the subject.” Ryan said, arms gesticulating wildly in frustration.  
  
Jeremy’s face said yikes all over it and Ryan didn’t realize how hopeless it sounded until he said it out loud. God, was it really hopeless? It seemed like a good idea at the time. Eventually Ray might change his mind and want a relationship, and then Ryan would be right there. Right? It sounded so… implausible now. But what was he supposed to say when Ray had laid it all out that night after the club incident? No thanks, I want something more? Ray would never talk to him again out of sheer awkwardness, if not out of fear.  
  
“Okay… _okay,_ I know what you need to do. You need to, like, make him admit it.” Jeremy stood as his eyes looked into nothingness, like he was making calculations, scheming.  
  
“Sure. How?” Ryan said just to let Jeremy talk.  
  
Jeremy raised an eyebrow and looked at Ryan with that fucking look and Ryan already wanted to take back his question. “Whatever it is, I changed my mind. I’ll just keep being in an almost-relationship with him until I die and that’s fine!”  
  
“Oh no, no, no Ryan-,” Jeremy said, standing and placing a hand on Ryan’s shoulder, “I have a fucking plan?”  
  
“Why does that sound like a question?”  
  
“Because it can’t be a plan until you agree.” Jeremy said, not making it a question this time.  
  
Ryan gave him a look, and honestly either this thing with Ray was gonna work or it wasn’t. He had almost nothing to lose except for, well, everything. Even though, if he and Ray kept going the way they were, he could eventually lose everything anyway. Or he could gain everything. It was just a really long slow motion coinflip of a situation and Ryan had been standing in the sidelines watching it flip round and round in the air for _ages._  
  
The least he could do is smack at it in the air to see if that did anything.  
  
“Fine. What is it?” Ryan said, throwing his cause for restraint out the window. Being patient is overrated, and if Jeremy’s plan was any good, Ryan might actually even try it.  
  
Ryan might be tempted to try _anything_ soon, and he didn’t want to get to that point if he could avoid it. The question was whether or not he could avoid it at all.  
  
Jeremy spoke to him in a hushed tone, as if Ray could be listening in from down the street. Ryan’s ears perked up as Jeremy spoke. Well it wasn’t exactly a crazy plan with a whole lot of steps and details but. Well.  
  
It just. Might. Work.  
  
Maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey it's me, the piece of shit who got her days mixed up and made you wait a whole day extra!  
> Sorry about that guys, but here's Chapter 11!  
> Chapter 12 will be up Wednesday! ♥


	12. Chapter 12

Jeremy’s plan wasn’t exactly difficult or riddled with details the way that Ryan had expected. Jeremy’s plans usually involved a whole set of steps with specific things that needed to be done, sometimes going so far as to play out over a few weeks. Not this time, apparently. He did try to spin it into some sort of master plan, yammering on for a bit about the importance of being straightforward from the get-go and all that, but it really just boiled down to-  
  
“Stop fucking him.” Jeremy said, raising his eyebrows like it was obviously the best plan ever.  
  
“What?” Ryan said confusion scribbled across his features, “How is that a plan?”  
  
Jeremy stood and started pacing the room, “I know it sounds crazy! But just think about it,” Ryan _was_ thinking about it, and it _did_ sound crazy. And stupid. “I’m telling you dude- you said that he like is obsessed with your dick,”  
  
Ryan rolled his eyes, “I never said that,”  
  
“Whatever, the point is that he _likes_ having sex with you. So, you take it away. What do you think happens?” Jeremy spun to face him, a single eyebrow raised prompting Ryan to actually think about it.  
  
“We finally finish Breaking Bad?” Ryan asked, trying to figure out what Jeremy was getting at.  
  
“No, he _misses_ it!” Jeremy said, putting his arms out like he’s made a scientific breakthrough.  
  
“He… misses it?” Ryan repeated, blinking at him in confusion. Misses it. Well, Ray was usually the one to initiate anything sexual and Ryan usually didn’t because he didn’t want to come off as too pushy. Ray wasn’t afraid of that and would just go for Ryan’s pants whenever the mood struck him. Which was a lot. Would he miss it if Ryan hit the brakes?  
  
“But what if it just pissed him off?” Ryan asked.  
  
“Then it proves your point even more, dude. If it’s friends with benefits, you don’t get mad if the person you’re doing it with wants to take a little break. That’s like one of the perks.” Jeremy said, sitting back on Ryan’s bed and crossing his arms as if he was resting his case.  
  
Ryan had to admit it really wasn’t that stupid. It had the downfall of not being able to have sex with Ray, but if it worked it only meant more sex later. Probably.  
  
“Okay, I see your point.” Ryan said, running a hand through his hair, scalp sore from Ray tugging at his hair. God, it had been like weeks of nonstop sex, how was Ryan gonna go back to no sex at all?  
  
Ryan knew that it was doable, though. Jeremy always came through for him with stuff like this, had helped him through more than a few tough times before he took off. Still Ryan was wary. This whole thing with Ray was kind of important to him, and if he fucked it up he wouldn’t know how he would react. The no sex thing did seem like something that would be a little hard to pull off, what with Ray being the way he was.  
  
Well, if he was going to struggle with it, surely Ray would struggle too. Right?  
  
**  
  
“Oh _fuck, go harder- ah!”_ Ray moaned, on his hands and knees while Ryan rammed him from behind, his knees rubbing raw against the carpet of Ryan’s room. They hadn’t quite made it to the bed.  
  
So Ryan wasn’t doing so well with trying to execute Jeremy’s plan. Which, wasn’t exactly so bad except for that Ryan’s phone was buzzing like crazy on his desk while Ray refused to quiet down at all. He knew what the messages were without even checking, and he definitely wasn’t going to check when he was balls deep in Ray’s ass.  
  
**Jeremy: kind of impressive that your fucking ray this hard**  
  
**Jeremy: you know**  
  
**Jeremy: considering how you have NO BALLS**  
  
Ryan pushed the thought from his mind as Ray thrusted his hips back to meet his every thrust.  
  
“Fuck, _fuck me- fuck,”_ Ray was practically yelling above the obscene sounds of their bodies meeting again and again. Ryan trailed a hand up his spine and grabbed a fistful of his hair, slowly waiting for Ray’s whimper of approval.  
  
When he got it, he tightened his hold and pulled slowly so that Ray was being hauled backward by his hair, neck straining only slightly. He had tried very hard not to let himself get caught up with the dirty talk up until this point.  
  
Well, he had tried.  
  
“Do you hear that?” he leaned forward to whisper in Ray’s ear, Ray nodded, “That’s my phone. They’re texting me _right now_ to complain about how loud you are.”  
  
Ray moaned throatily as Ryan thrusted into him particularly hard with the last word, “I bet you’re embarrassed.” Ray nodded again, “But you can’t help being such a loud slut for my cock,”  
  
Ryan released his hold on Ray’s hair and Ray caught himself on his elbows moaning even louder as Ryan picked up the pace, _“Ah, ah, ah- RYAN- fuck!”_  
  
Ryan felt beads of sweat dripping down his temple as Ray cried out beneath him, felt him go limp as he spilled his release onto the carpet. Well, that was gonna be hard to get out.  
  
Ray whimpered as Ryan continued to thrust into him, pushed his hand against Ryan’s stomach so that he would pull out. Ray groaned at the loss and then turned around to face him. His lashes were wet with tears from how hard he had come, and Ryan could see how out of it he was like he had been painted with it.  
  
Ray stared at Ryan’s collarbones as Ryan began to rub his shoulders. Ray leaned forward and licked at his collarbone, closing his eyes and sucking a purpley-pink mark there and trailing down, down, down, until he was peppering kisses around the base of Ryan’s cock, pulling the condom off as he did.  
  
Ryan groaned as Ray kitten licked his way up the shaft, and then lapped at the head of his dick before swallowing him down in one go. “Oh _fuck,”_ Ryan let out, the only warning he could give before he was shooting down Ray’s throat. Ray choked a little and pulled back, come dripping from the corner of his mouth. Ryan hauled him up by the shoulders to lick it away and then licked into his mouth hungrily, sharing the taste of his release between them.  
  
Ray whimpered as Ryan sucked the last bit of it off his mouth and then collapsed gracelessly onto the ground, whining again as his ass hit the carpeting.  
  
Ryan gave him a moment to catch his breath and unscramble his brain while he grabbed for his shirt to wipe at the stain on the carpet. It probably wasn’t going to come all the way out. Oh well.  
  
“I take it all back, you have absolutely ruined me I am ruined I can’t even think- fuck- _fuck_ you Ryan. My poor ass.” Ray said from the ground. Ryan grinned, smug.  
  
“That’s too bad, I was hoping you’d be up for round- uh,” Ryan stuttered, having lost count.  
  
Ray laughed, “Yeah I don’t know how many times we’ve fucked today either, dude. Probably a sign.”  
  
Ryan looked for some clothes for himself and to lend to Ray, features spelling yikes. Ryan tossed him the hoodie he always wears and some sweatpants, getting dressed alongside him.  
  
“Time to rejoin society? Wanna go watch something with Jeremy and Jack, I know they’re home.” Ryan asked, running his fingers through his hair.  
  
Ray blushed, “After _that?_ Dude, no way.”  
  
Ryan smirked, “You don’t think they’ll be impressed?” Ray scoffed.  
  
“By you or me?” he threw himself onto Ryan’s bed and made grabby-hands for his phone until Ryan tossed it at him.  
  
Ryan pretended to think about it, “By your vocal chords and by my ability to enable your usage of them.”  
  
Ray had zipped up Ryan’s hoodie and it was absolutely too big for him, sleeves falling past his hands. Ryan would snap a fucking picture if he didn’t value his life, but Ray looked so bathed in comfort in his hoodie that he couldn’t help but admire the way it looked a little bit. So he was a little possessive, it wasn’t exactly something new- just looking at Ray’s constantly bruised neck was a dead giveaway.  
  
Ray wasn’t looking at him, scrolling through Netflix for something to watch, eyes glazed over the way they did when he got kinda sleepy after having sex. Ryan always thought it made him look softer, “Fuck you, I don’t need you to ‘enable’ my vocal chords.” But then he spoke and he wasn’t so soft-looking anymore.  
  
Ryan laughed and then sat on the bed beside him, “Right I forgot that you can be just as loud all on your own.”  
  
Ray hit him with the pillow and then punched him in the arm, all the while Ryan laughing his ass off. Ray felt too weak to actively do anything more than that and collapsed back on the bed.  
  
“Just put on a fucking show.” So Ryan did.  
  
Later after Ryan dropped Ray off at his apartment to play some game or another with Michael and Gavin, Jeremy was waiting in his room. In the dark. Again.  
  
_“Fuck-_ you need to not do this anymore, jesus christ,” Ryan stomped over to his bed and pushed Jeremy off.  
  
Jeremy stumbled off of the bed and stood back up, arms crossed, disappointment coloring his features starkly. Well, the kind of disappointed that only Jeremy could convey which looked more like amused anger than anything else.  
  
“No- no you don’t get to be mad. You don’t _know_ what he fucking _does to me-,”_ Ryan whined before Jeremy could say anything, and Jeremy interrupted.  
  
“You are weak, Ryan you are so fucking weak it’s sad.”  
  
Ryan was pulling textbooks from his bag, his brain screaming with all the things he had pushed off, “So what if I’m weak, he makes me so _weak,”_ he leafed through the textbook till he found the chapter he needed to look at. He hadn’t even glanced at this fucking book yet, skipped the class a few times, and now. Well, fuck.  
  
“Dude. Tell me you’ve been studying.” Jeremy’s voice dropped from disappointment to worry.  
  
Ryan winced and looked up at him, shaking his head.  
  
“Not even a little bit? Midterms are in like two days.” Jeremy said, sitting on the bed again.  
  
“You think I don’t know that?”  
  
“No, I _know_ that you know that, which absolutely makes this a thousand and one times worse!”  
  
Ryan sighed. He knew Jeremy was right. He’d known about midterms for weeks, and it was way late in the game to start studying. Ray wasn’t a big help. He always seemed to text or call or come over right when Ryan had picked up a book, or right before he was supposed to leave for class. So he had skipped a few classes, missed a few chapters, figured it was no big deal. Little did he know he had been making divots in the ground beneath his feet every time he chose Ray over work, and now he was standing in a hole he didn’t remember digging.  
  
And Ray was practically handing him a fucking jackhammer.  
  
He looked over at Jeremy helplessly, “Help me?”  
  
Jeremy frowned, “I already told you what you need to do, dude.” Ryan groaned and slammed his head into his book. Why wasn’t everything as easy as people made it look? He wasn’t even dating Ray and it was taking a toll on his grades. Ryan was so used to being a good student, it was really unsettling to remember that if his attention was split it could go downhill fast. Exhibit A: his head in a book at this very moment, realizing that he had fucked up.  
  
“Okay. You’re right, and I know you’re right and I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna talk to him,” Ryan said, shuffling through his drawer till he found a highlighter, “You know, after I finish an eight hour cramming session.”  
  
Jeremy nodded and patted him on the back as he stood to leave, “Good man. You know what’s good for you.”  
  
Ryan moved to his desk and turned on his computer. He popped his neck, took a breath, and settled in for a long night of playing catch-up.  
  
The light faded from barely there to pitch darkness outside, but Ryan barely noticed as he stacked information in his mind, word after word, chapter after chapter. He scrolled through powerpoints, made notecards, laid down on the carpet and tried to recall the info. Then got back up and did it again. It felt like purgatory.  
  
He was taking ibuprofen and rubbing at his eyes to blink away the reflection of the bright computer screen from his eyes, when he heard it. Oh no.  
  
There was a tapping on his window. And it wasn’t a bird.  
  
“Ryan, you asshole, let me in it’s fucking cold.” Ray said, his voice muffled through the glass. Ryan sighed, because of course he would be back. Why wouldn’t he be?  
  
He pulled open the window and Ray climbed through, wearing Ryan’s hoodie. His eyes looked tired, like he had been trying to fall asleep unsuccessfully for the past, Ryan checked the clock on his phone, christ it was 3am.  
  
Ray brought in the cold breeze with him, threw his arms around Ryan’s neck, cool to the touch. This was something Ryan would never get used to, Ray being affectionate so easily and not seeing it as romantic. Ryan often wondered if he was like this with Michael sometimes, without the actual sex and constant making out. Ray kissed his jawline, “Couldn’t sleep,” tugged at the neckline of his shirt, “Think you could help me out?”  
  
He leaned up slightly to kiss Ryan fully on the mouth, sucking his bottom lip into his mouth deliciously. With every brush of their mouths Ryan wanted to give in, god he really did. But he instead fought himself to pull away, making Ray pout.  
  
“Ray, I-,” he gestured to the scattered textbooks, highlighters, and his computer. His desk looked like someone had knocked over an Office Depot and dumped everything here. Ray glanced around the room and snorted.  
  
“Okay fucking nerd, why are you studying so late?” Ray said, sitting on the bed. Ryan sighed.  
  
“I’m… _really_ behind in my classes.” Ryan said, distancing himself by sitting in his desk chair, not wanting to give into the temptation that Ray so readily provided.  
  
“Sounds like an exaggeration,” Ray said, getting up and crossing the small space between them to sit himself in Ryan’s lap comfortably. He carded his hands through Ryan’s hair slowly, “Besides, you look like you could use a break, it’s late or whatever.” He kissed his way down Ryan’s neck and reached down to fiddle with the button of his pants. Ryan sighed and grabbed Ray’s wrists to stop him, and this was true fucking willpower. Ray was a tall glass of water and Ryan might as well have been a man right out of the desert.  
  
“No, I- Ray, I just need a few days. Just until midterms are over, I swear,” Ryan said, looking away so that he had the strength to say anything at all. Ray’s mouth stopped mid-kiss and pulled away.  
  
“Oh- oh yeah, cool okay uh-,” Ray pulled himself out of his lap and stood, “I didn’t know I was like- intruding. I’ll, uh, I’ll just leave.” Ray made to climb back out the window, and Ryan caught him by the hand before he could.  
  
“Hey, don’t-,” Ryan sighed, “Don’t be mad at me, it’s just for a few days.” Ray stared at the ground and nodded, face blank.  
  
“Yeah, yeah no big thing dude, I’ll catch you later.” he snatched his hand out of Ryan’s and raised his eyebrows.  
  
“Do you need a ride?” Ray was already halfway out the window.  
  
“Nah, I’m good. Good luck with the studying,” Ray said and went on his way.  
  
Ryan watched him walk home for a bit before closing the window and pulling the blinds. It hadn’t been an outright bad reaction, but it hadn’t exactly been reassuring. Ryan really did need the break though, just for long enough to get through these exams, get ahead on some work, and actually talk to his group about their project. Ray was great, the sex was great, and he was having a lot of fun but he needed the breather to find a bit of balance. It would be only for a few days, and then it would all be alright. Right?  
  
Ray got back to his apartment, Michael raising a questioning eyebrow that he shrugged off as he went to his room. He felt weird. It was totally okay for Ryan to want to take a little break while he caught up with school or whatever, but why did it give Ray a gross feeling in his stomach? He tried to brush it off as he climbed into bed and tried to get some sleep again. He was gonna be fucking bored for the next week without Ryan occupying most of his time. Well, he still had the guys, so he could spend some more time hanging out and playing video games and not getting fucked. Not as fun, but it was how life usually was anyway, so no big deal. He didn’t _need_ to see Ryan every day, he was just used to it.  
  
Besides, it was only for a few days and then it would just go back to the way they were before, like they never stopped. Plain and simple. Ray would just hang out with Michael more this week, which was probably a good thing- he missed Michael. And Michael probably wouldn’t mind a little more time with him.  
  
It was going to be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will it? Bahaha, you'll find out soon enough- Chapter 13 will be up on Friday!  
> Holy shit how is it already 13 chapters.  
> Hope you guys enjoyed this one, let me know what you think in the comments! ♥


	13. Chapter 13

Ray was losing his fucking mind.  
  
Okay, that was a stretch, but it was definitely going less than as stellar a he had hoped. It had only been three days and Ray was _this close_ to doing something that would resemble begging way too closely for his comfort. And he knew that Ryan was busy. From what Jack had told Ray, Ryan had been holed up with a coffee machine and stacks of paper over the past few days, only really letting in his group every now and then. Ray didn’t even dare set foot in the hallway to his room in their house, sure that any passing breeze that reminded him of Ryan would make him hard.  
  
Right, so that was a thing. He had apparently conditioned himself to want sex like way fucking more than he was even thinking about before. It was obnoxious- his dick was being obnoxious. His fucking dick. And this all happened to coincide with Michael deciding that the touch-barrier could be removed from between them again. So Ray was conveniently always pressed against Michael’s warm body in some form of contact or another- jesus Michael is touchy. This wasn’t helping his situation at all, and Ray was having way too many close calls.  
  
Michael had thrown himself on the couch beside Ray, resting his legs in Ray’s lap comfortably, “Have you seen this?” the cursor hovered over a movie description that Ray didn’t recognize.  
  
“No,” Ray replied, wincing as Michael moved closer so that it was more like he was half in Ray’s lap than anything else. He had never been so painfully aware of just how much he was touching Michael before.  
  
“Oh cool me neither, let’s watch it,” Michael said, clicking it and settling back against the couch properly now. Ray stifled his sigh of relief, not wanting Michael to get the wrong impression. Ray had jerked off twice before he came out of his room and apparently his dick hated him because it hadn’t really helped. It was nothing short of ridiculous.  
  
Michael rested his head against Ray’s shoulder midway through the weird movie, and this was nice actually. Almost normal.  
  
Almost.  
  
“Why are we not high?” Ray said after a minute and Michael shot up, answering without missing a beat.  
  
“I was seriously _just_ thinking that,” Michael said, going to his room. He came back with his bong ready to go, and offered it to Ray. Ray took it gladly and took a hit, handing it off afterward, and Ray immediately knew this was a bad idea. Oh well.  
  
The movie got way better after they smoked and Ray was in a fluctuating state of being aware of his body and not being aware of it. He would be completely relaxed and then suddenly tense and doing a self-check to see if he had a boner. It was half paranoia, half numbness, and one hundred percent super-not-good. Because he couldn’t tell for how high he was, and he couldn’t look without being too obvious.  
  
He was really concerned with what he was gonna do, when Michael went ahead and solved that problem for him.  
  
“Oh my god, Ray are you _hard?”_ Michael fucking squeaked and he was laughing so hard that even if it hadn’t been _obvious_ Ray wouldn’t have had a chance to defend himself. He blushed down to his chest and tugged at his t-shirt until it covered his crotch slightly. Yeah, bad idea to get high.  
  
“Is Matthew McConaughey like _really doin’ it for you?”_ Michael laughed out and Ray was detecting a pattern of Ray embarrassing himself and Michael laughing at him now.  
  
“Shut up, I’m too high for this,” Ray said and Michael only laughed harder. He had gotten to the point that his laugh sounded more like a cough than a laugh, while Ray sat there embarrassed.  
  
“Jesus fucking christ, Ray, _what is going on?”_ Michael said when he caught his breath, still chuckling.  
  
“Nothing, _jesus,”_ Ray muttered and Michael rolled his eyes.  
  
“If you need to take care of that, go for it dude.” Michael said and Ray’s eyes widened.  
  
“What, like _now?”_  
  
“Quit acting like I haven’t seen your dick before, dude, it’s no big deal,” Michael responded, grabbing his water bottle and taking a sip. He raised his eyebrows as if in challenge and Ray wasn’t at all sure what kind of situation this was. Did people do this?  
  
“Seeing my dick in passing when we’re changing in the same room is _way_ different than when I’m actually hard,” Ray said and Michael was chuckling already.  
  
“Ooh, you a grower then?” Michael teased, letting out a laugh as Ray tried to sink into the couch even more. Michael continued, “Look, all I’m saying is you have a few options,”  
  
Ray stared at his traitor dick and cursed weed for being a traitor drug _again_ as Michael went on, “You could wait it out and keep watching the movie, you could go to your room and jerk off, or I could connect my laptop to the TV and you could jerk off here.”  
  
Ray eyed him warily as Michael’s hand hovered over his laptop on the floor next to him. Ray was really too fucking high for this. He didn’t want to wait it out, and he didn’t want to have to get up and go to another room to go jerk off, the weed had made him too lazy for it.  
  
Michael could see Ray conceding already and opened his laptop to pull up pornhub.  
  
“I can jerk off too, if that’ll make it less weird,” Michael said, and Ray had no idea how he said the things he said so confidently. Like it was just conversation and Ray just wanted to agree. Maybe it was the weed.  
  
“Well I’m not gonna be the only one jerking off, so yeah whatever,” Ray said, and he was super aware of his dick now and how it was straining against his pants. Michael went to hook up his laptop to the TV and Ray knew that he had done this before, because it took way too little time to set up.  
  
Then there was some random porn live on their fucking TV and Michael was sitting next to him again. Close, but it was a small fucking couch so they didn’t have a lot of room for avoiding bumping elbows or passing touches. Ray took another hit from the bong, because- well, did he need more of a reason than just the general situation?  
  
Ray was kind of frozen after he put down the bong, smoke trailing between his lips. In a natural movement that he pulled at most moments where he wasn’t sure what to do, he turned to Michael. Michael, who had hooked his thumbs into the waistband of his sweatpants and slid them down to mid-thigh. The pale milky sheen of Michael’s thighs as his hand teased his cock over his boxer-briefs reminded Ray of Ryan.  
  
His dick twitched in his pants and he looked away just in time for Michael to smirk as he caught him looking. Ray ignored his chuckle as he imitated what Michael had done, pushing his jeans down. He slipped his hand into his boxers instead of rubbing over them, too riled up to tease himself. He pulled his dick out of the confines of his boxers, figuring it was all or nothing.  
  
Ray tried to focus on the porn, his eyes glazed over as his attention was pulled to too many things. He could barely tell what was going on on-screen, distracted by the heat of Michael beside him, the sounds of their hands sliding over their dicks. Jesus christ, how did they get here again?  
  
_“Fuck,”_ Michael let out quietly and Ray couldn’t help it he had to sneak a peek, he had to look. He glanced over in a way that could neither be described as discreet, nor subtle.  
  
Ray watched as Michael’s dick slipped through his fist wetly, dripping precome. His hand twisted on every upstroke and Ray followed suit, groaning to himself as he did. Michael, being the sighted person he was, caught Ray looking again and thrusted up into his fist.  
  
It was happening, they were jerking off in the same room at the same time on the same couch. It was the fucking Twilight Zone and Ray was sure he was going to wake up at any moment. In fact, he was sure he had had this exact dream once and had avoided Michael for a week.  
  
“Hey, Ray,” Michael gasped out and wow Ray really didn’t need to know what Michael sounded like when he was jerking off.  
  
“Hm?” Ray answered.  
  
“Niiiice cock,” Michael said, and then any tension that was there had dissipated with that. They were laughing and jerking off to bad porn and- maybe friends did do this sometimes.  
  
“Right back at you, fucking moron,” Ray said and Michael was laughing _hard,_ almost curling over himself in laughter. He leaned with it, ending up pressed to Ray’s side in laughter, hand still going over his dick like it was half instinct.  
  
Maybe it was the porn, maybe it was Michael’s hot breath against his neck or the sight of his pale thighs, but Ray was coming messy over his shirt, too out of it to pull it out of the way.  
  
_“Fuck, ah,”_ he let out as he spilled over the soft fabric. Michael’s breath hitched against his ear and Ray turned, on instinct, just in time to watch Michael yank his shirt up and spurt come onto his pale stomach, just as pale as his thighs.  
  
Michael whined high and needy, hot breath against Ray’s face, lips practically brushing against him. Ray blinked hard, because. There wasn’t a fucking universe he could breathe in where the sight and sound of that wasn’t hot. It was… extremely sobering.  
  
Michael started with that humming laugh again, “Gross,” running a finger through the mess of come on his stomach. Ray was feeling super surreal. He took off his soiled shirt and offered it to Michael to wipe down his stomach with.  
  
Michael took it gladly and used it as Ray pulled up his jeans and stared at the porn that was still going on the TV. He wondered if this still would’ve happened if he hadn’t suggested they get high. Michael tossed his shirt in the direction of Ray’s bedroom which meant it just ended up in the middle of the living room.  
  
Michael got up to turn off the porn and switch back to the movie, settling back on the couch with his arm around Ray’s shoulders comfortably. Ray was very sated and very high and this wasn’t so bad.  
  
“See?” Michael said after a bit, “Problemo solved-o.”  
  
Ray let out a laugh that was way too loud for the room, and Michael chuckled along with him, so he guessed this could be okay. Just something that they did once. No big deal.  
  
**  
  
Ryan had been hiding in his room for the past few days, his eyes had bags under them and he had been forgetting to eat a lot. That being said, he’d taken three exams since the week started and had done well, so it was working. He was shaking with the amount of coffee, diet coke, and adderall in his system almost one hundred percent of the time, but it was worth it. That’s what he kept telling himself as he let in his groupmates for the third time this week- his only contact with the outside world.  
  
“Yikes. No offense, Ryan, you look like you got hit by a truck,” Trevor said, as if Ryan didn’t already know. Matt was close on Trevor’s heels and just laughed in agreeance.  
  
“Thanks. Did you fix the fucking loop or what?” he asked dryly as they huddled around his computer and pulled up the file.  
  
“Calm down, I had the professor look at it and he said that it might just be how the…” Matt kept speaking but Ryan had tuned him out, just staring at the screen to see if it was fixed or not.  
  
He really did feel like he had been hit by a truck. A few days in he had decided that he was a shark and if he stopped moving, he’d die. So he kept popping adderall and downing it with coffee, ignoring texts from Ray, and ignoring the concerned knocks on his bedroom door.  
  
He had one more exam to get through and this stupid project. Then he was probably gonna go to Ray’s place and asked to be fucked until he was fucking boneless.  
  
But he couldn’t think about that now, because now they were trying to figure out if they need an if-then loop or a do-while loop or if they needed to start from scratch.  
  
“Dude. Earth to Haywood? A little help?” Matt said as Trevor waved a hand in front of his face.  
  
“Hm? Yeah, uh, so we should try switching this line with…” And it went like that for a while.  
  
Ryan made them leave when his alarm went off, time to study for another exam. They raised their eyebrows at each other as Ryan spread out his study materials and ushered them out the door.  
  
“Don’t fucking die Ryan, there’s no way we can finish this thing without you,” Trevor said before Ryan pushed them out the door.  
  
Don’t fucking die. Right.  
  
He woke up with notecards stuck to his face, slumped over on the floor in a bad way, five minutes before his alarm went off. Time to go.  
  
He showered, got dressed, and raced out the door, pausing only when Jack yelled, “Hey!” and tossed a poptart at him. Ryan caught it and smiled gratefully before slamming the door shut behind him.  
  
As he rode the elevator to his classroom he munched on the too-sweet strawberry poptart and reviewed what he had studied in his mind. He made it to class, the first one there and waited. And waited.  
  
And waited.  
  
Eventually he pulled out his phone, checked his email and there it was.  
  
**Class,  
**   
**Exam canceled, was pulled out of town unexpectedly.**  
  
**Consider this a free A, don’t waste it.**  
  
**-Dr. J**  
  
Ryan felt a weird mix of anger and relief that made him want to toss his phone across the room, but mostly, he felt tired. So he went home.  
  
“Shit, you’re back early. Is that bad or good?” Jack said, and Geoff looked up in interest from where he was sprawled on the couch beside him.  
  
Ryan blinked tiredly, “Good. Yeah, good.”  
  
“Dude that’s awesome, you should come out with me and Lil J tonight, do a little celebrating?” Jack said, raising an eyebrow.  
  
“I’m gonna sleep. And then I’m gonna go see what Ray’s up to. I’m kind of exhausted.” Ryan said, shuffling to his room. Jack nodded in understanding and Geoff smiled.  
  
“Well if Ray’s busy we can watch a movie or something Rye. Got the whooooole house to ourselves!” Geoff called after him teasingly and Ryan rolled his eyes and made it to his room. Collapsed on the bed, and after a while of realizing that he was extremely wired, grabbed a Xanax and finally let the wave of sleep overtake him.  
  
**  
  
Ray and Michael were really good at playing off weird things. That being said, they were still a little off kilter, but not in a bad way. Mostly in a, why-are-we-like-this kind of way. It was very typically _them._  
  
Jack had shot him a text at way too fucking early in the morning that had let him know that Ryan was done with exams and said he was going to hit Ray up when he woke from his hibernation. Ray saw it right before he left for his last exam of the week- probably failed- and was kind of excited. It had been a full week, but he had made it.  
  
Now it was pretty late, and Ray was sitting on the couch with Michael, high again, and this time watching, “Wait is this The Magic School Bus?”  
  
“I dunno, did the magic bus taking the kids to Jupiter tip you off or?” Michael said, and Ray pushed at him from where he was pressed to Ray’s side while Michael laughed and fought to stay where he was.  
  
“I wanna see the one where they're inside a body and they go in the stomach or whatever,” Ray said and Michael made a face.  
  
“You’re fucking weird. No I gotta see the part where that kid gets frozen on Pluto.” Michael said.  
  
“He _what?”_ Ray yelled and Michael just laughed. It was easy. He checked his phone and saw that it was after midnight, and if Ryan was coming over it probably wouldn’t be until tomorrow. Bummer, but it’s not like Ray wasn’t having a good time with Michael already, he just wasn’t getting any tonight.  
  
Michael caught him looking at his phone, “Not tonight?”  
  
“Nah, he’s tired.” Ray replied nonchalantly, and Michael hummed in response. He rubbed Ray’s shoulder where he had an arm around him and Ray hummed as well, cause it felt nice.  
  
Ray chuckled to himself as he thought about himself and Michael. Michael’s ears perked up, “What?”  
  
“Nothing, just like,” Ray stuttered, not sure why he was saying this, “It’s kinda funny like we’re doing it out of order or something.”  
  
_“What_ are you talking about?” Michael chuckled.  
  
“I don’t know like, we jerked off with each other, now it’s like we’re on a date, and we’ve never even-,” Ray cut himself off, too high, not sure what he was saying.  
  
“Kissed? We-,” Michael started quietly but Ray interrupted him.  
  
“That- that doesn’t count.” Ray said, annoyed that he had made the moment somber instead of how it had been funny in his head.  
  
Michael nodded, understanding. They were quiet for a minute.  
  
“We could. If- if you wanted to. Get it out of the way.” Michael said, and Ray still had no idea how Michael pulled off saying things like that.  
  
“ ‘Get it out of the way’?” Ray repeated and Michael nodded.  
  
“Yeah, I can tell you’re curious- it’s not- we don’t have to make it a thing. Just,” Michael gestured vaguely with his hands, “something to do.”  
  
Ray squinted his eyes. He _was_ curious, was the thing, but he felt like if he did it he would be leading Michael on. Still… it could be kind of like a no strings attached deal. One time only.  
  
“No strings, no expectations?” Ray said carefully. Michael nodded, easy. Ray wished he could know what he was thinking.  
  
If he did know what Michael was thinking, he’d know that Michael was trying to calm his heart down. That he was hoping this would either help get the last of it out of his system or make Ray fall in love with him and neither one would hurt. That he wasn’t afraid of getting hurt anymore, he just wanted the moment so he could hold onto it for a while. Just a while.  
  
But Ray didn’t know what he was thinking. So he leaned in.  
  
With the first touch of their lips Michael tasted like salt and vinegar, and then Ray wasn’t thinking about taste because he breathed in sharply and was surrounded with the smell of just _Michael._ Michael kissed softly at first, and then laid his cards on the table- all in. He sucked Ray’s bottom lip into his mouth and nipped at it before Ray pushed in with just as much fervor. He licked into Michael’s mouth sweet and hungry, tasting just to taste. Michael whined at that and suddenly Ray had a lap full of him, trailed his hands down his back and then under his shirt to get at hot skin.  
  
Ray wasn’t sure what this was, but it was _good._ Kind of weird, but good.  
  
Then there was some sound that startled Ray, he pulled back and turned to see Ryan at the door.  
  
“Hm. I’m- I’m leaving.” Ryan said, almost laughing but in a way that put a twist in Ray’s stomach. Michael scrambled out of his lap and nodded at Ray to go after him. This, fuck, this was a really weird situation.  
  
Ray followed after Ryan, into the cold night air, freaking the fuck out.  
  
“Ryan? Where are you going?” Ray called after him, and Ryan halted in his steps and spun to face him, angry.  
  
“Where am I going? Let me think- I’m going _home_ Ray. Fuck this.” Ray was frozen where he stood, not sure what to say or what to do as Ryan turned to leave.  
  
“Ryan, please just talk to me,” Ray called after him, why was he mad? They weren’t- they’re not together or anything. It wasn’t a big deal.  
  
Ryan turned around, “You’re done with me, right?”  
  
“What?”  
  
“You just needed me to help you work through whatever this was with Michael and now you guys are gonna be together, right?” Ryan asked, matter-of-factly.  
  
“What are you talking about? No, and even if I was- it doesn’t matter! We’re _friends_ Ryan- no strings attached remember?” Ray yelled, and then tried to minimize the space between them. He could see his neighbors turning on lights around them.  
  
Ryan chuckled dryly, “This- this is _not_ what I meant.”  
  
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Ray said.  
  
“I can’t keep playing this _fucking game_ with you!” Ryan yelled in his face, and Ray shrunk back. He’d never seen Ryan truly angry before.  
  
“It-it was nothing,” Ray tried to grab for Ryan’s sleeve but Ryan snatched it away.  
  
“It doesn’t _feel_ like nothing to me.” Ryan said, and then stalked away.  
  
“Where are you going- Ryan, c’mon I just-,”  
  
“I’m fucking leaving, I’m not doing this.”  
  
“Ryan-,” Ray started but Ryan was taking the stairs, two at a time.  
  
“Bye.”  
  
He left. Ryan stomped all the way to his car and just sat there for a while. He felt so fucking stupid, and Ray didn’t even know- he didn’t even care. God, how could he think that this was ever going to work. So fucking stupid. He slammed his fists against the steering wheel, turned the car on and fucking left. He felt like shit. He just wanted to go home or crash into a fucking building, he wasn’t sure which was pulling stronger at him. So he drove.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yooooooo aha, here it is.  
> I hope y'all liked this one, Chapter 14 will be up on Monday! ♥


	14. Chapter 14

Ryan drove around in needless anger for a while, not sure where he was going. It was dark out and he was driving around the part of town where there weren’t a lot of city lights to make him feel like he wasn’t alone. So he felt alone. He did this sometimes to try and calm himself down. If he felt like he was alone then he couldn’t have a reason to wear his heart on his sleeve- no reason to let his feelings show. He parked and leaned against his car to chain smoke a few cigarettes, got back in the car and tried to get his head on straight. His phone was vibrating nonstop in the center console, lighting up with message after message, voicemail after voicemail. He ignored them.  
  
Thoughts whirled around his head about how long they had been fucking, how long after Ryan asked for some time to himself had Ray given in to Michael? God, and he had trusted Michael too, with that spiel about how Ray didn’t have to hide what they were doing anymore. Had it all been a ruse to get Ryan to trust him? The way he was sitting in Ray’s lap when he walked in… so comfortable, so already at home there. Ryan had felt like a red-hot brand was pressing against his chest. Worse, like _he_ was the intruder.  
  
He should have known better. They know each other better than anyone- Michael knows Ray better than Ryan ever fucking could. It was a pipe dream to think that Ray would ever come around, _could_ ever come around when his fucking best friend was in love with him. Who could resist that kind of love? Ryan’s heart was beating a bruise into his chest, and no- no he wasn’t going to cry, not for this. If Ray wanted to be with Michael, well.  
  
Well they could fucking have each other.  
  
But Ryan wasn’t going to stand idly by like some sad boy whose crush hurt his feelings. Broke his heart, whatever- no not any of that bullshit. Saying his heart was broken implied that he needed time to fix it and no- no he didn’t. He was gonna move on and be completely unbothered, and he wasn’t going to fucking _cry._ He tried to assure himself of this as he pulled into his driveway, fists tight on the steering wheel, knuckles white with it. The drive hadn’t done a lot to calm him down after all.  
  
He stomped up to his front door, walked in and slammed the door loudly behind him. Yeah, he was still pissed. He ran a hand through his hair after slamming the door, catching the eye of an extremely startled Geoff, sitting on the couch.  
  
“Fuck! Oh, hey blue eyes, back so early?” Geoff half-slurred out.  
  
“Sorry Geoff,” Ryan answered, stepping into the living room. There was a bottle of whiskey and a single glass on the coffee table, and Geoff smiled at him easily. Right, he forgot that Geoff was the only one home tonight. He sighed and attempted to walk off to his room, but Geoff stopped him.  
  
“Hey- wait, is everything okay?” Geoff said. He looked sincere and Ryan sighed again, rocking back on his heels as he considered how he should answer.  
  
“Yeah- no. No, I- I don’t know. I’m just. Tired.” He blinked hard, he _was_ still tired.  
  
Geoff hummed took a sip from his glass, “I thought you were gonna stay over at Ray’s tonight?”  
  
Ryan chuckled, dry, no feeling behind it, “I- uh, I don’t think that’s gonna work out.”  
  
“What- staying over?” Geoff said, distracted, playing Call of Duty.  
  
“Ray.” Ryan said quietly, and Geoff paused the game at that.  
  
Ryan could see his shoulders tensing up as he put the game controller on the coffee table, and took a long sip of his drink. He sighed, patted the spot beside him on the couch and beckoned with a nod of his head for Ryan to sit there. Ryan closed his eyes for a second, feeling a headache coming on. He was conflicted, not really waning to talk about it but also not really wanting to be alone with his thoughts anymore. He sat next to Geoff, the dip in the couch making it so they were very close together, thighs pressed against one another.  
  
“Alright,” Geoff started and Ryan could hear the concern in his voice, “tell me what happened.”  
  
Ryan lets the worry in Geoff’s voice wash over him, glad to feel like someone fucking cared, let their physical proximity comfort him. He took a breath, “I’m an idiot.”  
  
“You seem pretty fucking smart to me.” Geoff said matter-of-factly.  
  
“Apparently not.” Ryan sighed and put his head in his hands, and yeah that felt like a headache. Fuck, he was supposed to be relaxing right now but he just felt awful.  
  
Geoff put an arm around him comfortingly, rubbed his shoulder. Ryan appreciated it, was really missing physical contact about now. He leaned into it as Geoff spoke, “Tell me what happened. Maybe I can help.” Ryan paused before answering, knew that they were Geoff’s friends, but also knew that Geoff was a good guy. A good listener.  
  
“They were together.”  
  
“Who?” Geoff said, using the same quiet voice that Ryan was.  
  
“Ray. And Michael.”  
  
“Well they live together, buddy.” Geoff half-joked, urging Ryan to go on.  
  
“Michael was on top of him. They were kissing.” Ryan clenched his jaw as the memory was yanked to the front of his mind, the image of it. It put a sour taste in his mouth.  
  
Geoff closed his eyes in realization. “Shit.”  
  
“Yeah that’s pretty much what it felt like.” Ryan chuckled sadly, pursed his lips and stared at the ground.  
  
“Oh kid, don’t cry,” Geoff squeezed his shoulder and Ryan shook his head.  
  
“I’m not.” A single tear rolled down his cheek, but he wasn’t crying he was fucking fine. Geoff wiped at it with a swipe of his thumb and Ryan turned to look him in the eyes, and Geoff was trapped in his gaze. God, he had beautiful eyes, so terrible to see them so sad.  
  
“Why am I so fucking stupid?”  
  
“Ryan, c’mon, you’re not stupid.” Geoff squeezed his shoulder again reassuringly.  
  
“Right. I’m just not good enough for him.” Ryan said somberly, shaking his head.  
  
Geoff frowned and pulled Ryan into a hug, not letting go until Ryan hugged back, until he settled in and let out a deep breath. “Don’t ever fucking say that,” Geoff said, pulling away and cradling Ryan’s face in his hands, “Look at me- don’t you _ever_ fucking say that about yourself.”  
  
“Ryan, you are gorgeous and sexy and smart and _way too fucking good_ for Ray. If he doesn’t see that then- fuck him.” Geoff said, all in a rush. Ryan could feel Geoff’s breath hot brushing against the plush of Ryan’s lips. Geoff was looking at him through dark blue eyes and he looked so genuine, so taken with him. Like he would do anything for him.  
  
Ray never looked at Ryan like that.  
  
Ryan rushed in and kissed him with every sensation that burned in his stomach like fire pretending to be feeling. He didn’t know what he was going to get out of this. Revenge? Comfort? He’s wasn’t sure but he knew he _wanted_ it and he wanted it from Geoff here, now. Geoff hesitated for only a second before he was kissing back, whiskey making his tongue loose and his inhibitions nonexistent. Geoff’s hands went from soft gentle caresses of comfort to the harder finger pushes and jaw-angling of want.  
  
Ryan whimpered as the slick slide of Geoff’s mouth against his attacked his senses. Geoff’s stubbled face was so different against his skin, so rough. Geoff dominated their kiss, licking into Ryan’s mouth and just taking and taking, biting at Ryan’s bottom lip and sucking on it deliciously. Ryan crawled into Geoff’s lap so he was straddling him on the couch, pointedly not thinking about how this was how Michael was on Ray earlier in the night. About how they might have continued after Ryan left. Geoff kissed Ryan with fervor, his hands running up and down Ryan’s back, finding the hem of his shirt and sliding beneath it, getting at his cool skin. Ryan grinded down onto Geoff’s lap shamelessly, tired of holding back of hiding how he was feeling. Ryan gasped as Geoff pulled back, trailing biting kisses down his jawline to his neck and pressing kiss marks into his skin. Ryan hoped he left marks.  
  
“Is this- are you okay with this?” Ryan said, trying to catch his breath. Geoff continued kissing on his neck in lieu of a response, grabbing the hand Ryan had on his waist and moving it to his crotch so that Ryan could feel how hard he was.  
  
Geoff lifted a hand to his chin, he pressed their foreheads together, “Fuck yeah,” Geoff kissed him on the mouth again, dirty. Flipped them so Ryan was beneath him, writhing needily. Ryan pulled his shirt over his head, Geoff got his hands on Ryan’s zipper, got his pants down and out of the way.  
  
“What do you want?” Geoff asked, inked hand rubbing over Ryan’s erection through his underwear while Ryan struggled to keep himself in the moment.  
  
“Fuck me. Please.” Ryan said quietly, not a request. Who was Geoff to deny him? Geoff went to snag lube and a condom from his room, losing his shirt on the way, came back and pulled Ryan’s boxer briefs out of the way, drinking in the sight of Ryan’s thick cock slapping onto his stomach beautifully.  
  
Geoff prepped him quick and dirty, fingers slipping in and out of Ryan almost mechanically as he bit and kissed at Ryan’s thighs possessively, leaving behind crescent marks on his skin. Ryan heard echoes of thunder and rain outside as Geoff sat up and pressed into his entrance.  
  
It didn’t rain a lot in Austin, but that night it poured.  
  
Ryan’s phone was buzzing on the ground but he couldn’t hear it. He wrapped his legs around Geoff’s waist as Geoff fucked into him rough and fast, taking care of him while Ryan closed his eyes and let himself melt into the feeling of Geoff’s cock thrusting in and out of him so _good._ He scratched his nails down Geoff’s back as Geoff moaned out gorgeously, his voice rough with whiskey and lack of sleep.  
  
“You’re so good, _so good-_ good for me,” Geoff groaned, “Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,” and Ryan was soaking it in, eating it right up. He was letting out a litany of involuntary moans and whimpers, feeling so fucking good.  
  
_“Ah, ah,_ I’m- I’m _close,”_ Ryan moaned and Geoff’s inked hand went for his cock, jerking him fast and unforgiving, until Ryan was spilling over his stomach filthy and hot. Geoff thrusted into him a few more times, and then came with a moan of Ryan’s name.  
  
“Fuck,” Geoff said as he pulled out, tied of the condom, got up to toss it in the trash. Ryan grabbed for his tshirt and wiped the come off his stomach, completely bonelessly sated. When Geoff came back to the living room, Ryan had only his underwear on and was out cold. Geoff chuckled and lifted him bridal-style. Carried him down the hall and dumped him on his bed. Ryan mumbled something resembling a thank-you.  
  
“Anytime.” Geoff chuckled, closing the door behind him. He went to his room and laid on his bed trying to convince himself that he shouldn’t feel guilty. That if Ray cared about Ryan at all he wouldn’t have fucked around with Michael in the first place. That Ryan didn’t belong to Ray, he is his own person, an adult who made the decision to have sex with Geoff.  
  
After a while of running these thoughts through his mind like thread through a sewing machine, humming sound of work and all, he couldn’t stop himself from picking up his phone and shooting Michael a text. Because they talked about this stuff. And Michael should be on his side probably.  
  
**Geoff: you up?**  
  
**Michael: yea**  
  
**Geoff: i may or may not have just slept with ryan**  
  
**Geoff: and i Definitely didnt if this is gonna come back to bite me in the ass**  
  
**Michael: …**  
  
**Michael: u fucking moron.**  
  
Geoff scrunched up his nose and put his phone under his pillow. That was enough sharing for now.  
  
**  
  
“He’s not picking up or answering any of my messages.” Ray said tossing his phone on the couch beside Michael and running his hands through his hair in frustration. He fucked up. He fucked up and he had no fucking idea how to fix it. All he wanted to do was call Ryan and ask him what he should do- Ryan always knew what to fucking do. But now Ray had fucked it all up between them.  
  
“Should I go to the house- see if he’s there?” Ray asked, and as he did thunder rumbled outside, and it started to rain. “Shit.”  
  
“No, dude,” Michael said, sitting on the couch feeling really fucking guilty, “If he’s not answering, he doesn’t want to see you right now.”  
  
Ray sighed and sat on the ground in front of the couch. Thunder cracked through the air, and it all just felt really surreal. Ray was still confused. Sure, they hadn’t exactly agreed on being non-exclusive, but wasn’t that kind of included with the whole no strings attached thing? God, it wasn’t even like he was going to pursue Michael they were just. They were just fucking around.  
  
Michael let out a breath, “Dude, you should’ve told me.”  
  
Ray looked up, “What?”  
  
“You should have told me you guys were like- you guys are, y’know-,”  
  
“We’re _not,”_ Ray said adamantly. Michael raised his eyebrows, from where he sat, Ray unable to see his face.  
  
“Ray. C’mon, just tell me.”  
  
Ray stood to turn and face Michael where he was seated on the couch, “We’re not!” he pushed his glasses up into his hair and pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes. “God, this whole thing got all screwed up. The deal was no strings attached. No expectations.”  
  
“What?” Michael laughed out.  
  
“I’m serious! We were just fucking! This is all blown out of proportion,” Ray started and Michael was just chuckling to himself. “Dude, this isn’t funny.”  
  
“Yeah it is you moron. You broke him!” Michael said.  
  
“What are you _talking_ about?” Ray said, his face practically a question mark.  
  
Michael stood and grabbed him by the shoulders, “He’s _in love with you!”_ Michael said, shaking him as he said it. Ray jerked out of his grasp and grimaced.  
  
“If you’re trying to be funny, _ha-ha_ you fucking dick. I’m being serious.” Ray said.  
  
“I’m being serious too, dude,” Michael said still laughing.  
  
“Shut up,” Ray said, ready to just trudge through the rain to Ryan’s place and just ask if they can talk.  
  
“Ray,” Michael grabbed his face and held him still, “Why do you think he stormed out of here so upset?”  
  
“I don’t know- because we were making out and he thought-,” Ray took a breath, “he thought that I was done with him because I had you now or something stupid like that,”  
  
Michael hummed laughter, let go of him, “Hey moron, he’s pissed because you were _with someone else!”_  
  
Ray wrenched out of Michael’s grasp and rolled his eyes as Michael continued, “Listen, I have a friends with benefits with Gavin, right?”  
  
Ray sat on the couch and nodded, “Yeah.”  
  
“I can guarantee you- _guarantee-_ that if Gavin had walked through that door when I was all over you like that,” Michael gestured at the door, “One of two things would have happened.”  
  
“He would have either A laughed his ass off and whined that he wasn’t included- or B, took his phone out and started filming.” Michael said.  
  
“Yeah, but-,”  
  
“Yeah but nothing, dude. Ryan’s holding a candle for you, and you just blew out the fucking flame.”  
  
Ray put his head in his hands. This is so stupid. “You’re wrong, I think he had a long week and he was just pissed that he came here and I was with you like that, and- and Gavin probably _would_ do the same thing-,”  
  
“Oh my _god,”_ Michael interrupted, pulling out his phone, dialing.  
  
“What- who are you calling?” Ray mumbled.  
  
Michael ignored him in favor of whoever had answered on the line, put them on speaker, “Hey Gavin, you’re on speaker.”  
  
“Oh my god.” Ray said, running his hands through his hair and glaring at Michael who was grinning.  
  
“Oi, hey boys,” Gavin said, voice crackly through the speaker.  
  
“Hey Gavin, me and Ray just _fucked!”_ Michael said, and the receiver immediately exploded with the sound of laughter while Ray put his face in his hands.  
  
“Aw, and me? Didn’t even get to film it, did I? Rude!” Gavin said, laughter still in his voice.  
  
“Maybe next time boi, I owe you one thanks,” Michael said and hung up, putting his hands out at Ray as if to say- you see?  
  
Ray turned to look out the window at the fucking rain pouring down, god it never rained here. But now the thunder sounded like it was tearing the sky apart, lightning like cracks in the ceiling. Ray sighed, why couldn’t everything be as simple as the rain.  
  
“In _love_ with me?” Ray asked. Michael sat beside him and put a hand on his back.  
  
“Probably.”  
  
“Man, I really am a fuck-up.” Ray said, and Michael chuckled.  
  
“Yeah, dude, you are.” Michael patted him on the back and then got up to leave the room, Ray stopped him.  
  
“Wait, what do I do?” Ray asked, wishing that for once he just had the answers.  
  
Michael shrugged, “Fuck if I know. Figure out how you feel, dude. Maybe say you’re sorry.” Ray groaned and stretched out on the couch. Nothing could ever be fucking easy. How many days was he gonna spend sitting around trying to analyze his own feelings? When will the time come where Ray can just feel things without having to know the names, without having to know what you’re supposed to do when you feel one way or another?  
  
He had gone through most of his life with this leading to problems, especially with relationships with people. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do with feelings, often thought he wanted one thing but found when he got something else he liked it better. Ray never understood how people decided what they fucking wanted. He sighed. Time for introspection.  
  
Michael sat up in his room, messaging Gavin and letting him in on the drama. Then he got a text from Geoff. He responded. Then he got two more.  
  
“Jesus. Fuck. God fucking damn it.” Michael muttered to himself and tossed his phone aside. It really was true that nothing could ever be fucking easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy, a whole bunch of shit is happening now.  
> Just. Just a whole bunch of shit.  
> Well! I hope you guys like this one, leave a comment letting me know what you think!  
> Chapter 15 will be up on Tuesday! ♥


	15. Chapter 15

Ray went to his room and called Ryan again. And again. Frustrated, he let it go to voicemail.  
  
"Ryan, I-," he sighed, laid down in his bed, "I know it looked really bad. But I swear, me and Michael just wanted to- I don't know. Get it out of the way. It was stupid, I-" Ray stopped. Stopped just short of saying something. What it was, he wasn’t sure. He sighed.  
  
"I really, _really_ care about you Ryan and I hope, I don't know- fuck, I hate leaving messages please call me back?"  
  
Ray hung up, shoved his face into his pillow, crushing his glasses into his face, and groaned helplessly. He flipped and stared at the ceiling through the fog of his glasses. In love with him. Ryan is in love with him, and Ray isn't even allowed to be surprised _again,_ but even more so this time, especially because- well, he kind of saw it coming in a way. He would get this vague hint of a feeling around Ryan, like he got when he stepped outside on a humid day and knew it was going to rain.  
  
Not for nothing, he really was hoping that Ryan was just the kind of person who was affectionate off the bat, but Ryan constantly looked like he was about to _say_ something. Something that was in the moment that Ray was pretty sure he'd regret later. Ray's relationships before... well they weren't exactly shining examples of love. Ray had a lot of walls built up, and when people tried to break them down, he didn't react very well to it. People always wanted _more_ than Ray had to give. The last thing Ray wanted was for Ryan to put him in that position- a position that would force Ray to disappoint him. Just like he disappointed everyone else. He had no excuse, he should have hit the breaks earlier, but Ryan was so _insatiable_. So sweet. And Ray, well-  
  
Ray really fucking cared about him and, whatever that feeling swirling around in his stomach was could fuck off because it was gonna ruin everything. Ray was gonna ruin everything they had if he admitted- he pushed his glasses off and rubbed at his eyes numbly. If he admitted _that_. He'd ruin Ryan, and he'd ruin everything.  
  
And he wouldn't forgive himself for it. Not this time.  
  
Ray sighed to himself, too tired to stay up thinking himself to death. It was sending chills of anxiety up his spine, and he knew if he did it for much longer, he wouldn’t be able to sleep at all. He sighed sadly, pulled his clothes off, and went to sleep.  
  
**  
  
Ray woke up in the afternoon the next day, still exhausted, to find Michael and Gavin sitting on the couch in the living room.  
  
"Hey Ray, I brought you coffee," Gavin said, gesturing to a coffee cup on the kitchen counter. Ray grabbed it and took a large gulp as Gavin continued, "Might've gone quite cold and bad by now, seeing as I got here early,"  
  
Ray blanched at the rancid mouthful of coffee in his mouth, swallowed it down almost choking on it, and Michael chuckled as Ray coughed, disgusted.  
  
"Probably should've led with that." Michael said, and Gavin shrugged.  
  
"That's fucking nasty," Ray choked out and chucked it in the trash, squeezed in next to Gavin on the couch, "I feel like shit."  
  
"I heard, heartbreaker." Gavin said, raising his eyebrows mischievously.  
  
"Ugh, can we talk about _anything_ else?" Ray responded and Gavin stuck his tongue out at him.  
  
"No, no not really Ray," Michael said, pausing whatever game he was playing.  
  
"God, what? What now?" Ray asked, sinking into the couch further.  
  
"Got a text from Geoff last night-,"  
  
Ray interrupted, "Was it about Ryan? What did he say? Is he still mad at me?"  
  
Gavin scoffed, "So much for talking about anything else." Ray grimaced and shoved Gavin's face out of the way so he could catch Michael's eye.  
  
"You're not gonna like it." Michael said, a warning lilt in his voice as he turned to face Ray.  
  
Ray sat back and slammed his head against the back of the couch, "He hates me. Oh my god he's never talking to me again, he's transferring schools just to get away from me-,"  
  
"Jesus, Ray, if you let me get a word in maybe I can stop your fucking panic attack." Michael interrupted, and Gavin giggled. Michael put his hand on Gavin's face, "Shut up, no one's talking to you."  
  
Ray raised his eyebrows, gesturing at Michael to just get on with it. Michael sighed, and Ray didn't like how much sighing had been going on lately, "So uh. According to Geoff-," Gavin giggled again and Michael pushed his hand into his face more forcefully, making Gavin squeak with pain, "In Geoff's words, he may or may not have fucked Ryan when he got back to the house last night." Michael rushed out, words running together. He looked like he was waiting for Ray to lash out, his face had yikes written all over it.  
  
Ray got a sinking feeling in his stomach, blinked. Blinked again, jesus christ he _is_ awake this is real, get it together. He didn't feel good about it. In fact, his stomach was twisting hotly, he didn't feel well at all.  
  
"Ray? Look if you're gonna cry- man, don't worry you're with friends and-," Michael was interrupted by Ray holding up a finger. Michael looked at Gavin who was just as confused as he was, and then back at Ray. Then Ray scrambled up to the kitchen and vomited in the kitchen sink.  
  
"Oh shit, Ray- you good?" Michael sat up as Ray wretched in the kitchen. He didn't respond but Gavin was having a fucking gagging fit beside him.  
  
_"No._ Go to the bathroom," Michael yelled, standing and hauling Gavin up by his shirt and pushing him in the direction of the bathroom, "I'm not getting vomited on _again_ cause you have a hair trigger gag reflex!"  
  
Gavin ran to the bathroom gagging, Ray was still at the sink and Michael stared at the ceiling as if God himself was looking down and laughing at him.  
  
"Yeah laugh it up, asshole," he muttered. He sat back down as Ray rinsed down the sink, let the water run into his mouth. He sat down beside Michael again and they listened to Gavin gagging in silence for a minute before Ray spoked up, "Did you say _again?"_  
  
"Shut up." Michael said and Ray laughed.  
  
Another beat of silence before Michael spoke again, "So, _not_ feeling so good about the whole Ryan and Geoff thing?"  
  
Ray felt his stomach tighten, he felt so awful. It was probably half bad coffee and half the feeling he got when Michael said what he did. He wanted to lock himself in his room and stay there until his eventual and impending death. He wanted to call Ryan, he wanted to fight Geoff. God, it all felt just the fucking worst. Why the fuck did it feel so awful?  
  
"Uh, no I mean," Ray did his best to shrug it off, "It's his life. He probably-," his breath caught in his throat for a second, "You were wrong, man, he's not in love with me."  
  
Michael rolled his eyes, "Okay. Sure. Whatever you say." Sarcasm dripped from his voice as he spoke. Ray pretended he didn't hear it.  
  
"So you're totally cool with him?" Michael asked dryly, and Ray nodded, staring straight ahead. His hands were curled into fists and his fingernails were digging into his palms painfully. He tried to stay grounded. Michael could see him coming undone. He shrugged to himself.  
  
"Great. So you'll come to the party," Michael said, getting up and heading to the fridge. Ray was still nodding, not paying attention until he heard the word party.  
  
"Wait what?"  
  
"The Halloween party? Jack's place? This weekend? Hello?" Michael said as if it was obvious. Ray blinked in surprise, right. It's October. Well, not for much longer.  
  
Michael walked back to the couch with a jello cup in hand, "Since you're totally fine with everything, and you owe me for ghosting at the last party, you'll come!" Michael said through a mouthful of jello.  
  
Fuck. As if he needed another thing to stress about, "Uhhh," and Michael raised an eyebrow, interrupted.  
  
"Dude you are _so_ not allowed to bail on me this time. You're coming." Michael clapped him on the shoulder. Gavin came out of the bathroom just as Michael finished speaking.  
  
"Ray's coming!? Yay, it's the boys!" Gavin laughed, crashing onto Michael's lap.  
  
"Get off me, gaggy," Michael shoved and Gavin screamed.  
  
_"Gaggy!?_ " he repeated and Michael laughed.  
  
"Fuckin, Gagging Free," Michael laughed out, successfully pushing Gavin sprawling onto the floor.  
  
They all laughed, and Ray couldn't bring himself to tell Michael that on the list of things that he'd rather do than go to a party that Ryan would be at included: jumping head first into a volcano, falling into a pit of razor blades, and any other violent malicious things that would hopefully end in death. So he didn't.  
  
**  
  
Ryan woke to the soft click of the door as someone entered his room. His eyes shot open and he sat up, bleary eyed and still tired, somehow hoping it was Ray.  
  
"Hey dude."  
  
Ryan slumped back over on the bed, it was Jeremy looking half concerned and half apologetic. Geoff had probably filled him in on last night and he felt guilty that he wasn't there to talk him down. If Jeremy had been there, Ryan probably would have spent the night playing a really therapeutic game of Call of Duty and pretending that nothing had happened. Instead of what actually happened that night.  
  
"Oh. Right." Ryan felt the vague soreness of his ass. He slept with Geoff, right, right, yeah.  
  
"You okay buddy?" Jeremy asked tentatively, sitting in Ryan's desk chair.  
  
"Sure, sure." Ryan said nonchalantly as he could muster, sat up and ran a hand through his hair, ruffled from sleep. He got up and looked for some clothes to wear while Jeremy kept talking.  
  
"Y'know what, Ray's an ass and you don't need him, dude." Jeremy started and Ryan just nodded, slipping on a shirt. "There's gonna be so many good-looking dudes at the party this weekend that you're not even gonna remember Ray's name by the end of it," Jeremy went on.  
  
"What kind of asshole leads people on like that anyway, such a dick move and-," Ryan usually let Jeremy talk when he started ranting like this, knew that he was just mad for Ryan and needed to express that, but he interrupted.  
  
"He didn't, though." Ryan said.  
  
"What, of course he did, he-,"  
  
"He didn't. We said all that friends with benefits, no strings attached bullshit. I was acting like that wasn't what it was," Ryan sighed, sitting back on the bed facing away from Jeremy. "But he never wanted more and I was stupid to think I could change that. Change him." Ryan blinked as he stared into his closet. Some of Ray's clothes on the floor. God, how long would it be before they got all of each other's things back.  
  
"Still a dick move." Jeremy said, and yeah that was true.  
  
"Whatever, we're gonna have a party this weekend or what did you say?" Ryan asked, hoping the subject would stay changed.  
  
"Yeah Halloween party, Geoff and Jack are stocking up on alcohol as we speak, dude." Jeremy raised his eyebrows in the way that Ryan knew meant he was gonna get absolutely trashed this weekend.  
  
"Alright cool. I'm gonna see if I can get some other _party favors,"_ Ryan said, grabbing for his phone, ignoring the barrage of messages and missed calls from Ray and shooting a text to his guy.  
  
"Like?" Jeremy asked.  
  
Ryan paused, eyes glinting, "Something fun."  
  
**  
  
Ryan pulled up to the house, his dealer had given him some weed as well as a good amount of molly for a big chunk of change, but had assured him it was pure shit, so Ryan didn't mind. He trusted the guy and had worked with him before- when Ryan had done some small-time deals for some extra cash a few months back- so it was nothing to dwell on. He unlocked the door and was greeted by the sight of Geoff, Jack, and Jeremy sitting in the living room watching some movie while talking over it.  
  
"Yo, what'd you get after all?" Jeremy asked, and Ryan sat down beside him and tossed the baggy of molly onto the coffee table.  
  
"Just some weed and molly," Ryan said, leaning over to steal some chips from Geoff who smacked his hand away.  
  
"Ooh, Ryan fucks with _molly,_ Ryan was a _party boy,"_ Geoff said in a teasing voice.  
  
Ryan rolled his eyes, "I fuck with having a good time."  
  
Jack raised his eyebrows, "As long as you don't overdo it."  
  
Ryan turned to face Jack, a mischievous smile on his face, "Me? Overdo it? Never!" Jack laughed and Ryan just kept smiling. He was gonna have a good time at this party if it fucking killed him.  
  
He had effectively pushed the capital S Situation out of his head as much as he could. The party was a good distraction- hanging out with the guys, whatever the fuck was on TV- all good distractions. But he'd had to give his phone to Jeremy before he gave in and texted Ray something stupid like, "I think I love you," or "I'll wait for you." It was an uphill battle, and he was definitely losing. He kept glancing at Jeremy with this _look_ that was so desperately obvious that he didn't have to say anything for Jeremy to shake his head, no I'm not giving you your phone. It was really pushing the whole pathetic narrative Ryan had going on in his head, which was putting him on edge way more than he'd prefer to admit. What's worse was how he drove to Ray's after he picked up the molly, parked and just sat there for a while. He was trying to work up the nerve to go up and say something- say anything- but all he did was blast some sad song and lay his head on the wheel for a while before driving back home. He was so angry at Ray, at Michael, at everyone who let him do this to himself. It was disheartening and exhausting all at once.  
  
"I think I'm gonna go chill in my room for a bit," Ryan said, interrupting some conversation.  
  
"Okay," Jeremy nodded, watching Ryan as he left for his room, waiting to hear the door shut.  
  
"Alright so, I didn't tell Ryan that Michael's coming to the party," Jeremy said in a hushed tone.  
  
"Oh, you dumbass," Geoff said, "I was wondering why he wasn't, like, opting out of the party.”  
  
"I didn't know how to tell him! He decided to get all hyped about it to make himself feel better and I just went with it!" Jeremy said, and Jack put his face in his hands.  
  
"Is Ray coming too?" Jack asked monotonously, having had it up to here with all this fucking drama.  
  
"I don't think so. Ray never likes to come out to these things." Geoff said. They all nodded. So all they had to do was keep Ryan away from Michael. That's not so bad.  
  
“Whoever comes, we just need to be ready for some shit to go down. Just in case.” Geoff said, raising his eyebrows at both of them.  
  
“Are we supposed to be taking sides on this?” Jack asked, glancing between Geoff and Jeremy like that was the exact opposite of what he wanted.  
  
“No, we’re on the side of make sure nobody kills anybody. Or fights anybody,” Jeremy said, staring at his hands, “Well. Maybe a few punches.”  
  
Jack laughed, “Uh, how about _no_ punches?”  
  
“I’m just sayin’, letting out a little aggression never hurt anyone!” Jeremy said, raising his arms and laughing a little.  
  
“Yeah, except for the guy on the receiving end.” Jack said.  
  
“Fair enough.” Jeremy responded, sitting back and actually paying attention to the movie.  
  
They were all more than a little tense, but everyone was ready to get fucked up this weekend after testing all week, and if it meant a few people were gonna butt heads, well it was worth it. Jeremy was sure that Ryan at the very least would try his best to keep a level head no matter what drug he was on. He could usually trust Ryan to not start shit. If someone _else_ started shit with Ryan, well that was a horse of a different color. And a funeral, probably. Jeremy had witnessed Ryan deliver a fucking _beating_ more than a handful of times, usually in defense of someone else. The guy could put you in the hospital or in a coffin, and it was absolutely up to him which one it was.  
  
But everything was probably going to be fine. Well, hopefully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh yes, the next chapter is a fucking party.  
> Aaaaaaaah, I hope y'all liked this one! Thanks for reading this far y'all keep this going.  
> Chapter 16 should be up on Thursday!!  
> Leave kudos if you haven't already! And let me know what you think in the comments! ♥


	16. Chapter 16

The day of the party Ryan spent the morning on a skype call with Matt and Trevor, putting the final touches on their coding project before they all simultaneously submitted the hundreds upon hundreds of lines of code. It was nerve-wracking, but Ryan had come through at the last minute with a quick fix he had found after spending hours combing through the comments on a forum where they were making a similar program.  
  
“Seriously Ryan, we owe you big time dude, I had pretty much accepted my fate on getting a C in this class, but you resurrected my fucking hope!” Matt said, his tired eyes looking even more tired through his webcam, but his smile overpowering it.  
  
“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” Trevor said, smiling nonetheless, “The professor’s a harsh grader, but we definitely have a working fucking program.”  
  
“It was all of us, really, guys. Okay. Ready?” Ryan said and they nodded, and then all clicked submit at the same time. It wasn’t a requirement to submit simultaneously, but they had worked together on previous projects where they had done it and it was almost like a tradition now.  
  
They laughed and clapped as the file uploaded, murmuring their thanks to one another.  
  
“Any plans tonight boys?” Trevor said before they logged off.  
  
“Actually,” Ryan started, remembering what day it was, “There’s a party at my house tonight, my roommates are throwing it. It’s supposed to be a good time,”  
  
The guys nodded on their respective webcams as Ryan continued, “You guys should swing by, if you get the chance, it’ll be fun.”  
  
“Sure, I might come, don’t have a whole lot going on anyway,” Matt said, and Trevor nodded.  
  
“Yeah, I’ll see if I can come out.”  
  
“Alright cool. Later guys,” and Ryan logged out. He was officially done for the weekend, that last bit of stress rolled of his shoulders easily. Well- school related stress anyway. He wasn’t exactly stressed about the party- he was doubling down on himself to have good vibes and get excited about it. It was gonna be a good time, he knew that. He still had some Ray-related crap buzzing around in the back of his mind and it was giving him a kind of queasy feeling if he thought about it too much. So, he didn’t think about it.  
  
Instead he pushed his chair away from his desk and stood to walk out of his room and join whoever it was he could hear watching TV in the living room. He focused vaguely on the thought that he really _did_ hope that Matt and Trevor would make it out to the party, because he didn’t get to see them a lot outside of school this semester. Granted, it was partly his fault because he had been so focused on… other things, but there was nothing stopping _them_ from picking up the phone either.  
  
Ryan sat beside Jeremy on the couch, “What is this?” he asked about the movie playing on the screen.  
  
“Some Halloween special, I don’t know.”  
  
“Oh! Is it a Halloween marathon? The series?” Ryan asked, suddenly invested.  
  
“Uh, maybe?” Jeremy said, eating Halloween candy idly.  
  
Ryan watched for few seconds longer, “It is! This is the one that doesn’t have anything with Michael Myers in it, holy shit. I’ve never actually seen it on TV before.” Ryan said, enraptured as he stole some of Jeremy’s candy.  
  
“Well it’s fucking creepy, who needs Michael Myers when you have all of _this shit!”_ Jeremy responded pointing as some gory scene splashed across the screen, “I don’t even know what’s going on,” Jeremy said, and Ryan chuckled.  
  
“I never understood why this one was just in the middle of the series. Why didn’t they just name it something else?” Ryan asked, mostly to himself at this point. Jeremy shrugged anyway. There was a suspenseful scene that had captured their interest, pulling in their attention so they settled in to actually watch it.  
  
The front door burst open suddenly and made them both jump and yell out, _“AH!”_ which, in turn, caused Geoff, who had been trying to get the door open while he was carrying a keg inside, scream and drop the thing heavily onto the ground.  
  
“What the fuck, assholes! Why are you screaming!” Geoff yelled after he caught his breath, voice cracking.  
  
“You almost ripped the door off the hinges!” Ryan said, getting up quickly to help move the keg, “Why didn’t you just open the door first and then go get the keg?”  
  
Geoff frowned and let Ryan carry the keg the rest of the way in on his own, “Uh, sorry that I’m not Ryan the smart guy Haywood. Fuck you, I was multitasking.” Ryan raised an eyebrow in annoyance but put the keg where Geoff pointed and helped him get the others down from his car.  
  
“This is a lot of beer, how many people are coming?” Ryan asked, just as Jack walked in with more bags of bottles of liquor.  
  
“It’s Halloween. _Everyone_ is coming.” Jack said, resting the bags on the counter.  
  
“What does that mean?” Ryan asked, glancing between Geoff and Jack.  
  
“Well, I invited everyone I know,” Geoff started.  
  
“And I invited everyone I know,” Jack continued, “They tell their friends who tell their friends and on and on.”  
  
“Then there’s party hoppers,” Geoff went on, pulling cash from his wallet and handing it to Jack.  
  
“Trick or treating freshman who are looking to crash a party,” Jack said, taking the money and tucking it into his shirt pocket.  
  
“And any neighbor who happens to want an invite in exchange for not calling the cops for the loud music,” Geoff said.  
  
Jack sighed, and ended it with, “And whoever the fuck they bring with them,” meeting Ryan’s eye tiredly. Ryan pursed his lips and nodded, okay so the whole fucking world is coming. He forgot how much influence Jack and Geoff had. They were good people to have in your corner, they had a lot of pull if you needed it.  
  
“Does that about sum it up?” Geoff asked, blue eyes dark as they bored into Ryan’s.  
  
“Yeah. Better overprepared than underprepared, I get it.” Ryan responded.  
  
“Ugh, don’t even _say_ the word underprepared, I’m getting chills already,” Geoff said, and right as he finished his sentence, Jeremy yelped and jumped where he was sitting on the couch, sending candy flying everywhere.  
  
“God damn it, Jeremy,” Jack chuckled, “I’m not cleaning that up!”  
  
“Sorry! I got it!” Jeremy scrambled to pick up the candies and they all laughed as some hilarious on-screen death surprised him again. It was going to be a good night.  
  
**  
  
There were people fucking _everywhere,_ so much so that Ryan was thankful that Geoff had the foresight to lock the door to the hallway where their rooms were, because these people were all fucking strangers. Well, to Ryan they were. He was having an alright time though, had smoked a bowl with some potheads who had already started gathering in a corner of the living room, sitting on the floor and laughing, and he felt _good_.  
  
He had taken the molly about a half an hour ago and was just now starting to feel the familiar off-ness that kinda kicked in early before the good stuff happened. He was happily awaiting the come-up while talking to Matt over the terrifyingly loud music, who had come out after all. Ryan had caught him in the living room and he was telling Ryan some story that Ryan was pretending he could hear. It was nice though, and Ryan felt good.  
  
After a bit of that, he could feel it shower over him like sparks from a fucking firework and he didn’t just feel good, he felt fucking _amazing._ And then Thriller started playing.  
  
It was like the whole fucking party screamed out in joy at the same time, crowding together to dance in the wide open space of the living room. Matt was laughing hysterically, “What is happening!”  
  
“Matt!” Ryan said, his hands going to Matt’s face as he leaned in to yell in his ear, “There’s no way you aren’t dancing to this right now!”  
  
Ryan leaned away, but couldn’t keep his hands off of Matt’s skin, sliding his hands down to his biceps as Matt shook his head in laughter, “No fucking way!” Ryan pouted as Matt laughed and gestured that he was going to go get some more beer.  
  
Ryan moved through the crowd, bodies dancing around him, and every slide of fabric and skin against his was absolutely _to die for._ He was going for the part of the crowd that was most tightly packed, because he could see at the edge of his vision, “Geoff!”  
  
Geoff turned and wrapped him in a hug, and Ryan almost refused to let go, but didn’t have to because Geoff, well, Geoff was already drunk. “Are we dancing or _what!”_ he yelled out, and Ryan laughed, because this moment could not be any more _amazing._ They and everyone around them screamed the wrong lyrics at the top of their lungs, misremembered the right dance moves and ultimately ended up as a throng of writhing, sweaty, dancing bodies who were chained to every beat of the song.  
  
Geoff’s eyes had never looked so fucking blue to Ryan- the technicolor lights they had set up were blowing his fucking mind, and this was definitely the _best party of his fucking life._ He yelled as much to Geoff as they danced together in the crowd, Geoff with his arms around Ryan’s neck and Geoff laughed.  
  
“Are you rolling super hard right now?” Geoff asked, that bright fucking smile taking place in his face. Ryan nodded and Geoff laughed, “Open up,” he said, and Ryan did. Geoff put a stick of gum in his mouth, “You’ll thank me later!”  
  
Ryan hadn’t even realized he had been clenching his jaw, grinding his teeth already, still didn’t realize even as the minty flavor of the gum overwhelmed his senses. He just laughed and kept dancing with Geoff, rubbing his hands up and down Geoff’s arms, entranced by the sensation, the ink on his skin.  
  
Unadulterated joy coursed through Ryan's veins, thick and syrupy. Geoff's smile was bright to his eyes in the flashing colored lights of the makeshift dance floor, his arms around Ryan's neck felt like a massage and he wondered if there was anything better than _this._ The song had changed but Ryan barely noticed, bodies brushing against his as he digested this feeling of euphoric pleasure, this moment, tried to keep it locked in his mind. Geoff leaned in, "Follow me!"  
  
He followed Geoff through the crowd of people, clouds of smoke, sure he was grinning from ear to ear. Geoff took him into the kitchen, and the music felt a little more muted here despite the open plan of the house. Geoff was going through the fridge and Ryan found Jack chatting with some people and gravitated towards him.  
  
"Jack!" Ryan said, put an arm around his shoulders, "Tell me you're having a good time, you _have_ to be having a good time- wow this shirt is soft," Ryan's hands smoothed over the fabric and Jack laughed sweetly, as he turned to look at Ryan. His cool breath over Ryan's skin felt _different,_ Ryan wanted to soak it in.  
  
"Hey Ryan, yes I'm having a good time. I would ask you the same thing, but I think I already know the answer," Jack was laughing and the people he was talking to were chuckling.  
  
"Joel, Gus, Burnie- this is my roommate Ryan," Jack said gesturing to the three men in turn.  
  
Ryan smiled because they were smiling- or maybe the other way around- and the guys chuckled, "I can see why this guy got the room instead of me," Burnie said, raising his beer as if to say cheers, "And fuck you, Jack." Burnie said, and they laughed.  
  
Ryan felt an arm slip around his shoulders and knew from the warm presence of him that it was Geoff before he turned. "You can thank me for that, Burnie," Geoff shoved a cold bottle into Ryan's hands- gatorade- and continued, "Maybe if you were cuter. And nicer. And if I had ever seen you pay rent on time," Geoff said, they laughed again and Ryan felt content to listen, felt immersed in their conversation without participating. Sunk into the warmth of Geoff, leaned his head on his shoulder.  
  
"Fuck you too, Geoff, no offense Ryan but that room should've been _mine,"_ Burnie said and Ryan raised his hands in surrender. The guy had this tone of anger but was grinning while he said it, and it reminded Ryan of Geoff. He guessed they'd known each other for a long time. Geoff flipped him off, opened the gatorade that Ryan was struggling to get open, and turned to him, "Drink, we were dancing forever and you're all sweaty."  
  
"Geoff, you're taking care of me!" Ryan said brightly, his face feeling the pressure of his smile. Geoff rubbed his back and continued his conversation with the guys, talking about who had to pay rent for the other when they had lived together previously. Ryan leaned into Geoff's touch, took a swig of the gatorade, heaven sliding down his throat. He was chewing the gum idly, rubbing his face against the fabric of Geoff's shirt where he was slouched resting his head on his shoulder. He felt absolute comfort and warm happiness as he nodded along with the laughing conversation, his veins thrumming with it.  
  
It was good.  
  
**  
  
Michael knocked on Ray's door.  
  
"Dude, c'mon, we're leaving _let's go, "_ Michael said, leaning on the wall against the door. Gavin gestured to his wrist, signaling that he wanted to leave already. Michael motioned for him to shut the fuck up, just as Ray's door opened and he came out.  
  
"Gee were we waiting this long so you could get ready? Cause you look like shit, as usual, let's go." Michael chuckled, crossing the room. Gavin and Michael had been pre-gaming, a little drunk and a lot bored, and Ray had been sitting with them and smoking until he was freaking out. He had gone to his room to calm himself down, and now they were leaving. To the party. Where Ryan was. Ray sighed as they climbed down the steps of their building, Michael and Gavin took stumbling jumps down two and three and four at a time. They waited for him at the bottom and Michael slung an arm around his shoulders to force Ray to keep pace with them.  
  
He was nervous in a way that didn't feel like it usually did. Being nervous usually felt closer to anxiety than nerves, and this felt. Well it felt like nerves. Michael had joked about him taking too long to get ready, but in reality Ray _has_ been trying to get ready. He had stood in front of his bathroom mirror moving his hair this way and that, suddenly very aware of his disheveled appearance. Michael was right, he more or less ended up looking the same, maybe a little less like a stoner than usual. He had been wearing Ryan's hoodie that he had left with Ray for the last few days, almost slipped it on at the last minute, but decided against it. Didn't want to give a weird impression. He had actually been using a lot of the shirts that Ryan had left behind to lounge around the apartment in, and was just now wondering if that was a weird thing.  
  
Michael flicked his ear, "Uh, _ow_ asshole," Ray said.  
  
"Stop moping, it's gonna be fun and you're gonna thank me," Michael said, his words slurring together, and Ray grimaced.  
  
"Cheer up, Ray! Your dream boy is gonna be there and there's nothing a party and an apology can't fix!" Gavin said, definitely drunk and silly.  
  
"He’s not my _dream boy,_ christ. He's just gonna avoid me. That's what I would do. That's what I _plan_ to do." Ray muttered, and they were approaching the house now.  
  
"No, you're gonna dance with us and you're gonna smoke another bowl and you're gonna be good to go," Michael said, patted him on the back. Ray rolled his eyes, nodded. It's not like the last time he went out with Gavin and Michael ended in heart breaking disaster or anything, so what could go wrong? The voice in his head was sarcastic and jesus christ he hates himself.  
  
They got to the front yard, and there was people fucking everywhere. The lawn was littered with red cups and drunk girls and guys vomiting into gutters and laughing loudly. Music was flowing out of the house like this was supposed to be a block party and the whole street was invited.  
  
"Well, looks like we got here just as things were getting good," Michael said, gesturing to where two dudes were fighting on the edge of the yard, girls laughing and filming them. Ray widened his eyes, christ why were people like this? They wormed their way through the outpour of people hanging out at the front door, Michael and Gavin stumbling rather wobbly, and finally made their way in.  
  
"First things first, bevs," Gavin said and Ray followed them as they navigated the party, drunkenly calling out people's names and laughing. "Lindsay!" Michael yelled out and she turned to wave as they passed. They must have stopped to say hi to a million people before they got to the kitchen, and Ray was glued to Michael and Gavin, too nerve-wracked to explore on his own. Then they got to the kitchen.  
  
This was where Ray got an eyeful of the expanse of Ryan's back, which he knew very well, clad in a snug t-shirt and Geoff's arm around his shoulders. Ryan was leaning against him comfortably, Ray could hear his quiet laughter as he nodded along to some conversation. Michael and Gavin hadn't noticed as they went for the beer but Ray was fixated, walking forward without thinking. Suddenly, a shorter guy was in front of him, shock of purple hair grabbing Ray's attention as he placed his hands in front of him as if warding him off.  
  
"Ray, c'mon man, now's not the time," the guy said and Ray recognized the Boston accent- this was Jeremy, Ryan's friend.  
  
"I just wanna talk to him," Ray said, trying to get around Jeremy. Their quiet interaction caught Michael's attention, and he went to stand beside Ray.  
  
"Is there a problem?" Michael said, matching their quiet tone.  
  
Jeremy put his hands up, "Look dude, I don't want any issues,"  
  
"Seems like you're the one causing the issue- Ray what's going on?" Michael said.  
  
"I just want to talk to Ryan," Ray said still looking at Ryan’s back.  
  
"Ryan doesn't wanna talk to you man, not right now," Jeremy started and Michael cut him off.  
  
"And what are you, his fucking bodyguard? If Ray wants to talk to him, let him talk to him," Michael said, intimidating presence pushing forward as Jeremy took a step back.  
  
"Michael, I don't want to start anything-,"  
  
"Oh-ho, this guy knows my fucking name now! Who the fuck _are_ you? Just let Ray talk to him!" Michael started raising his voice and the conversation that Ryan was in had started to take notice though Ryan did not. Ray shrunk under the weight of their glances, a bunch of Jack and Geoff's older friends. Fuck.  
  
"Michael let's just go," Ray said and he met Gavin's eye across the way, a raised eyebrow asking what was going on. Ray shook his head, not now.  
  
"Nah, it seems to me that Ryan's a big boy, and he can handle himself. He's pretty good at fucking my friends and messing with their heads so it seems, so I think he can handle a little conversation between adults." Michael said, and yeah now a lot of people were looking at them and Ray wanted to scream. He tugged on Michael's sleeve.  
  
"Dude, this so isn't worth it," Ray whispered and Jeremy was standing his ground, a hard look on his face even with Michael all up in his space like that.  
  
He scoffed, "You know what Ray, I think you're right. He's _not_ fucking worth it." Michael faked a lunge forward, and Jeremy flinched but didn't move from where he stood.  
  
"That's what I thought." Michael walked backwards away from the interaction, Ray's insistent fist tugging at his shirt pulling him along as he kept eye contact with Jeremy, glancing between him and the back of Ryan's unwitting head. They rejoined Gavin, who had them fill him in on what was going on. God, so much for the plan about avoiding Ryan. Ray felt like an ass, but knew Michael was just drunk and trying to stand up for him.  
  
Ray sighed and ran a hand through his hair as they traveled to another part of the house to chill there. They had just arrived and Ray was already exhausted just from being there.  
  
It was gonna be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaahh did I really split the party in two parts??  
> Yes, the next chapter is gonna be the rest of the party shenanigans, and Ryan isn't gonna be oblivious for much longer, aaah.  
> As always, I hope you guys enjoyed this one!  
> Chapter 17 will be up on Saturday~  
> Leave kudos if you liked it, and let me know what you think in the comments!!! :)


	17. Chapter 17

Ray was half standing with Michael and Gavin as they danced drunkenly all over each other, and half watching as Ryan moved through the party completely oblivious of Ray’s presence. He was dancing and laughing and Ray was totally not bitter about any of it. He kept reassuring himself of this even as Michael yelled over the music.  
  
“Stop being bitter!” his voice was barely audible over the music, but Gavin laughed anyway and Ray grimaced.  
  
“I’m not fucking bitter, I’m glad he’s having a good time.” Ray said, even though he wasn’t sure he felt like that at all. He _was_ happy that Ryan was having a good time, Ray just wished he could be having a good time _with him._ Ryan looked… really fucking good. Ray didn’t know what it was, maybe the way his t-shirt stretched over his shoulders like it was just this side of too small, or the way his eyes were lit up by the excitement of the party. He just looked good and Ray was mad at himself for screwing everything up between them, because man. Man, he’d be all over Ryan. They wouldn’t even be at this party, they’d be in his room. Fuck.  
  
Ray met Michael’s eyes again, and Michael was raising his eyebrows at him, in some knowing way. Michael couldn’t possibly know what Ray was thinking about, but Ray could tell that he _thought_ he knew something. What it was, he didn’t know.  
  
Michael was thinking that Ray was secretly pining for Ryan, and the secret was that Ray didn’t even _know_ that he was. It was so hard to watch, Ray was staring at Ryan like a sad puppy while Ryan was dancing with Geoff and Jeremy. And Ray wouldn’t even admit it to himself- he would admit that he missed the sex, but nothing else. It was depressing. But, Michael knew he could do nothing besides hint at it forever until Ray had a magical epiphany. As usual.  
  
Michael rolled his eyes as he caught Ray staring _again,_ and tapped him on the shoulder, “Ray, do me a favor and get me another beer?” Michael said, just so that Ray could distract himself. Ray nodded absently and took his cup.  
  
Ryan was having a great time. It had been a few hours, and he was coming down a little now, having taken a smaller dosage to minimize how shitty he was gonna feel tomorrow. But he was still feeling good, feeling warm. Geoff had stopped him from taking his shirt off about four times throughout the night, laughing as he did.  
  
“I would definitely let you take your shirt off if I didn’t _know_ you would absolutely give me shit for letting you do that tomorrow,” Geoff chuckled the last time.  
  
Ryan had been dancing all night, talking to people he didn’t know and laughing, it had been a nice little break from the inside of his head. He was a little more coherent now, and was feeling that twinge of the come down a little more with every passing minute. It felt a lot like coming back from the best concert of your life- disappointed that it was over, happy that it happened. He had experienced it more than a few times and knew that it meant he was pretty much sober by now.  
  
He powered through it, smiled at Geoff, “I’m gonna go find someone with weed,” Ryan said, and Geoff nodded. Ryan found the guys he had smoked with earlier, took a few deep hits of the joint that was going around, sold some molly and then made his way through the crowd. He had actually made a bit of money tonight- his high was like a billboard that screamed he was on something and people didn’t hesitate to pay up if they wanted in on it. He caught Jeremy’s eye, looking at him in question and he just gestured in the direction of the kitchen to indicate that he was headed that way.  
  
“Hey Ryan,” someone said, and Ryan started walking backwards into the kitchen to wave at- oh it was Trevor- as he walked to the living room with Matt, red plastic cup in hand.  
  
“Hey! Oh, _fuck-,”_ Ryan had turned back around just in time to knock into someone carrying a cup of beer, and it spilled between them, getting all over Ryan’s shirt and the shirt of the dude with the cup, “I am _so sorry,_ I-,” Ryan started, staring at the mess on the floor. His eyes traveled up until they met the eyes hiding behind frames in front of him.  
  
Ryan instantly flushed, anger flaring up inside him, “Oh. You.” What the fuck? What the fuck is he doing here? Ray was looking up at him, speechless, mouth gaping open as Ryan started taking steps backward away from him.  
  
He eventually found his voice, letting out a, “Ryan-,” but as soon as he got a word out Ryan was walking away from the conversation. Ray followed after him, no way he was gonna just leave things like that.  
  
“Ryan!” Ray called, only a few feet away from Ryan as he stalked through the crowd, head down. He finally caught up to him as he stopped at the door to the hallway where their rooms were. “Ryan, please I just want to talk,” Ray started as Ryan ignored him, struggling with the doorknob, digging around in his pockets until he found the key and got the door open.  
  
“I don’t want this to end the way we left it-,” Ryan tried to close the door behind him but Ray followed him to the other side, into the dark hallway. Ray closed the door and the music became muted, the hum of people talking and laughing just a low buzz. Ryan walked to his room and Ray stopped him from locking him out of there too, the struggle with the door between them brought to a screeching halt when Ryan let go and Ray stumbled in.  
  
Ray spoke, out of breath, “I just- I just want to talk. Please.”  
  
“Fine, talk.” Ryan said, avoiding his eyes. He turned around, pulled off his beer-stained shirt and rooted around in his closet for another one. Ray gulped. Fuck, he didn’t even know what he wanted to say.  
  
“I- I’m sorry.” Ray started and Ryan’s shoulders slumped, and oh god was he crying? Ryan turned around, facing Ray now, tossed his shirt on the ground in frustration, he scoffed angrily at Ray, ran a hand through his hair. Okay, definitely not crying.  
  
“God- people really let you get away with some shit.” Ryan said, finally meeting Ray’s gaze, which Ray immediately dropped to the floor, “Has anyone ever told you that sorry doesn’t fix anything?” Ryan said, serious.  
  
Ray blanched, “Believe it or not-,”  
  
“Shut up, I don’t care.” Ryan interrupted and Ray did just that. “I felt like I was on the end of a really bad fucking joke when I walked in on you and Michael-,” Ryan stopped himself. “Whatever, it doesn’t fucking matter. Go be happy with him.”  
  
“I’m not _with_ him! Jesus christ, it was just a kiss- this shouldn’t matter, we-,” Ray started, bullet points forming in his mind.  
  
“He was _on top of you,”_ Ryan said.  
  
“You can fucking believe what you think you saw, or you can believe what I’m telling you now. It was just a kiss. Nothing else.” Ray said and Ryan scoffed.  
  
“Right. I’ll just take your fucking word for it then,” Ryan said, turning around to his closet again.  
  
Ray stared at his back angrily, frustration setting his teeth on edge, “How is this any different than you _fucking_ Geoff, huh?” Ray let out, and oh god why did he say that.  
  
Ryan turned around slowly, shoulders taut with tension, “That. Is none of your _fucking_ business.”  
  
“So what are you guys just, like, _together_ now?”  
  
“No, that’s just what happens when you start _fucking_ somebody else, _asshole!”_ Ryan said, stepping closer to Ray as they yelled at each other. He was thankful for the loud music now.  
  
“I’m _not fucking Michael,_ are you even listening to me? And we never said we were some kind of- exclusive thing!” Ray yelled, stepping toward Ryan as well.  
  
“Here’s a fucking hint, I _wasn’t_ fucking anybody else, and you _weren’t_ fucking anybody else- gee that sounds a whole fucking lot like exclusive!” Ryan yelled.  
  
“Then I guess I didn’t break any fucking rules- _you_ did!” Ray responded, heat rising to his cheeks as they got closer in proximity.  
  
“It doesn’t matter anymore, what’s done is done!” Ryan said, with a tone of finality.  
  
Ray bit his lip, then responded, “Does _this,”_ Ray gestured between them, _“feel_ done to you?”  
  
Ryan took a breath. Ray was looking up at him through those eyelashes. God. How could this still be so alluring to him, how could _this_ still be what he wanted? He could never be done with him. There was no way.  
  
“No.”  
  
“Me neither.” Ray said.  
  
With that, they crashed together, Ray’s hands traveling over Ryan’s bare skin as they kissed messy and harsh, Ryan breathing him in. Fuck, he couldn’t even pretend that he wasn’t missing this. He grabbed at Ray’s waist, tugged him in close and then spun them so he could push Ray onto the bed. Ray tugged his shirt over his head and got his pants and shoes off as Ryan did the same standing over him. Ryan straddled him on the bed, tossing lube and a condom beside Ray on the mattress. He pressed Ray into the bed and kissed him, biting at his bottom lip and sucking on his tongue before he started kissing down his neck and chest until he reached the waistband of his boxer briefs.  
  
He got them out of the way quickly as well as his own, and then took Ray into his mouth without any pretense, sucking him down to the base of his cock.  
  
“Fuck, god- fuck, _Ryan-,”_ Ray moaned out in surprise as Ryan deep throated him, humming around his length. Ray’s hands went for Ryan’s hair and he watched as Ryan’s pink mouth stretched around his length, bobbing over him like he _wanted_ it. Ryan’s hands went for the lube, and Ray prepared himself for Ryan to start fingering him, but Ryan’s fingers didn’t go near him. Instead, Ray saw him reaching behind himself to push his lubed fingers into himself.  
  
_“Fuck,”_ Ray whined, biting his lip, because fuck that was so hot, god.  
  
Ryan pulled off of him briefly, jerking him slowly with one hand as he said, “I’m gonna ride you.”  
  
Ray choked, took a breath, _“Yes,_ god yes, please,”  
  
Ryan finished prepping himself quick and dirty, wiped his fingers on the comforter. He reached for the condom and rolled it over Ray’s cock slowly, jacking it a bit as he did. He lubed up Ray’s cock until it was dripping with it, and then lined it up with his stretched hole, and sunk down on it slowly until he bottomed out. Ryan bit his lip as the stretch burned him slightly from the inside out, god he felt so fucking full.  
  
His hands were roaming over Ray’s chest as Ray let out a low, “God, _please,”_ his voice shaky with the need of it. Ryan rocked his hips down tentatively and Ray let out another groan at the movement of it. Ryan took a breath, picked up his hips and slammed them down hard.  
  
Ray’s hands went straight for Ryan’s strong thighs, gripping them like his life depended on it, _“Ryan,”_ Ray let out, and Ryan didn’t waste a fucking second. He started slow, and worked his way up to a fast pace- fast and hard and fucking delicious.  
  
“Fuck, _fuck. Yes,”_ Ryan moaned out, obscene against the muted tones of the music blasting through the walls. The headboard was slamming against Ryan’s wall with every thrust and Ray was surrendered to the heat of everything that was _Ryan._ He thrusted his hips upward to meet Ryan’s hard thrusts, hands trailing up his thighs and back down again.  
  
“Yeah?” Ray groaned when Ryan moaned at Ray’s touch.  
  
“Yeah, _yeah yeah- god,”_ Ryan breathed out, bouncing on Ray’s cock with every ounce of energy left inside him, with every word he never said and every minute they spent apart.  
  
Ray couldn’t help but grip at Ryan’s hips hungrily, help him thrust down harder and faster, and god Ryan looked so fucking debauched, Ray wanted to keep this image of Ryan in his mind forever.  
  
“God, you’re- _ah-_ so gorgeous like this, I- _fuck,”_ Ray groaned, his mouth running faster than his brain, he stopped himself from speaking.  
  
“Touch me,” Ryan moaned and Ray’s hand immediately went for his cock, sliding up and down his length quickly, twisting on every upstroke. Ryan moaned helplessly, voice gone with want, hips moving erratically over Ray as he started to lose himself to it more and more.  
  
“I’m gonna- _ah-_ I, can I -? I- _fuck,”_ Ryan moaned out, practically incoherent, but even through the haze of lust Ray could hear his question.  
  
“Come, you can come- _come for me,”_ Ray breathed out and Ryan cried out as he came messy, spilling over Ray’s fist hot and breathless, bouncing over Ray’s cock a few more times before Ray followed him down. He groaned, “God, _Ryan,”_ as he came. Ray pulled out and Ryan collapsed onto him, completely out of it. Ray tied off the condom and tossed it in the direction of the trash from where he lay, not moving beyond that.  
  
Ray’s hand came to rest on Ryan’s back, he could sense how fucking spaced he was from coming so intensely. He ran his hands through Ryan’s hair soothingly until Ryan looked up at him. Ray couldn’t help but capture Ryan’s lips in a soft kiss, sweet.  
  
They pulled away, and before Ray could say anything, Ryan said, “I love you.”  
  
Ray froze, heart speeding up quick as anything, every muscle tensing at once, he was at a complete loss for words, mind reeling. Ryan felt Ray tense beneath him, and immediately rolled off of him and sat at the edge of his bed, ran his hands through his hair.  
  
“You should go.” Ryan said after he found his voice, struggling to keep the shake out of it.  
  
“Ryan-,” Ray started as he sat up, not even sure what he was going to say, but Ryan was getting up and walking to the bathroom connected to his room already.  
  
“Just go.” he said before he slammed the bathroom door closed behind him.  
  
Ray blinked numbly and just started getting his clothes on, slipping on his shoes last and then walking back into the fucking party. He was shaken up, and walking back into the overwhelming noise and action of the party was definitely not helping. He wandered outside, where it was only slightly quieter, and sat next to some random people on the lawn.  
  
Then there was a pack of cigarettes being held in front of him, he turned and some girl was kind of smiling at him as she offered him one, “You kinda look like you need it, dude.”  
  
He took it and nodded in thanks, even though he didn’t really smoke. She lit it for him and he inhaled, and yeah it was how he remembered. Not so bad, a little harsh. Sobering.  
  
Ray sat there smoking for a bit, trying to figure out where this whole mess went wrong. Then a hand clapped onto his shoulder and he flinched. For a full second, he was afraid Ryan had already told Geoff and now Geoff was there to beat the shit out of him on the lawn.  
  
“Ray, how is it possible that you’ve ghosted on us _every single fucking time?”_ Michael said, sitting down beside him. Ray let out a breath of relief. Gavin sat on his other side and stole his cigarette.  
  
“These are bad for you, mate,” Gavin said, and took a drag of it, “Wouldn’t want to make it a habit.”  
  
Ray didn’t say anything.  
  
“Where’d you go dude?” Michael asked, concerned tone to his voice.  
  
Ray took a breath, “I fucked up.”  
  
“God, what now?” Michael said, and then Ray was kind of crying but not really because there was no way he was going to start crying at a fucking party where there was people fucking _everywhere._ Except that he kind of _was._  
  
“Oh dude, what happened?” Gavin asked, dropping the cigarette and crushing it underfoot. Michael leaned in to cover him a bit more with his body, so people wouldn’t see him crying. Ray appreciated it.  
  
“I finally got to talk to Ryan and- god I’m so stupid,” Ray said, glasses fogging up slightly as tears streamed down his face. Gavin took them off his face and tucked them onto the collar of his own shirt, Michael rubbed a warm hand over his shoulders soothingly.  
  
“We got into a fight and then we had sex, but then he said that he _loved me,”_ Ray said and glanced toward Michael who was looking at him apologetically, “I- I didn’t know what to say! He told me to leave before I could say anything, and I’m so fucking _stupid!”_  
  
“You’re not stupid, Ray,” Gavin said quietly and Michael nodded.  
  
“Dude, you’re not stupid. It’s a lot to take in, it’s not your fault if things got mixed up,” Michael said.  
  
“I should have _known,”_ Ray said sadly, and wiped at his eyes. They were all silent for a bit while Ray attempted to wipe the tears off his face faster than they were coming down.  
  
“Well, Ray,” Gavin started, continuing even when Michael shook his head at him, “How do _you_ feel about Ryan?”  
  
Ray looked at him helplessly, and Gavin continued, “Cause if you ask me, you guys seem good together, like you have a good time, and-,” Gavin tried to go on but Ray spoke over him.  
  
“You don’t get it. I _ruin_ people” Ray said, jaw clenching, “Ryan thinks he wants me, but he’s just gonna change his fucking mind like everyone else.”  
  
Michael grimaced, “You don’t ruin people, Ray.”  
  
“Yes I do. I ruin them- I’m not enough, I can’t be what they wanted me to be- and then they fucking leave. Just like my fucking mom.” Ray held back a sob, wiped the tears from his eyes before they could trail down his face.  
  
“Listen to me, Ray,” Michael started, and waited for Ray to look at him, “You do not fucking ruin people. Some people just think they found something in you that they were looking for, but they were looking in the wrong place.” Michael glanced briefly at Gavin as he stared sadly at Ray before he continued.  
  
“And that’s okay, dude. What’s not okay is letting somebody you _actually like_ pass you by without giving them a chance. Or giving yourself a chance!” Michael said, and Gavin nodded in agreement.  
  
“I don’t know if you like Ryan or not, dude,” Michael said, “because I’m not you. But I’m your best fucking friend, and I’ll let you in on a secret.”  
  
Michael leaned in as if he really was going to whisper and said, “I’ve _never_ seen your eyes light up the way they do when you’re talking about Ryan. Or when you’re with him. He makes you happy, man.”  
  
Ray closed his eyes and nodded, trusted Michael. Knew that he wasn’t wrong, and that Ryan _did_ make him happy. He wasn’t sure if this was what he wanted, but he knew that even if it _was_ what he wanted-  
  
And then it started playing.  
  
That song, that _fucking song_ that had played the night Ray had stumbled backwards into Ryan’s room high as fuck and eaten his pizza. Ray remembered the name all at once, _Africa,_ and his heart swelled something awful, like it had just started beating for the first time. The feeling that memory was pushing forward in his mind sent warmth to every cell in his body. This is it.  
  
“This is what I want.” Ray said, and suddenly he was sure of it.  
  
Michael and Gavin cheered, and Ray was reminded of how comically drunk they were as they laughed and joked. Right.  
  
“We should get home, you guys are _fucked,”_ Ray said, standing and helping each of them to their feet in turn.  
  
“I’ll tell you another secret, Ray, that- that’s what I’m gonna be _tonight,”_ Michael said, and Gavin barked out a laugh.  
  
“Michael! Calm down, you’ll scare him away!” Gavin laughed out and Michael shrugged.  
  
“What, it’s true! I don’t care who knows!” Michael said, and yelled behind them as they stumbled off of the lawn of the house and onto the street, “Hey everybody! I’m gettin’ _fucked_ by Gavin Free tonight!”  
  
_“Michael!”_ “Jesus christ, dude,” Gavin and Ray said at the same time, but the people on the lawn cheered and wolf-whistled as Michael laughed hysterically.  
  
They spent the rest of the way like that, Michael yelling out at passing cars and people while Gavin desperately tried to get him to shut up. Ray laughed every time, too in his head to really pay attention to them. He had to figure out how he was going to fix things with Ryan. There had to be a way. If the movies had taught Ray fucking anything, it’s that there was always a fucking way to get back the guy of your dreams.  
  
There was a way, and Ray was going to find out what it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yoooooo, up in here a bit early today cause I got some stuff going on today lucky for y'all!  
> [This](http://podcastandkill.tumblr.com/post/159405322096/gladio1us-fromanotherroom-africa-playing-from) is the inspo for Africa being the fucking song from the beginning lmao. If you haven't heard it, I recommend you do a million times.  
> Chapter 18 SHOULD be up on Monday barring any complications (but if it's delayed I'll let y'all know on my [tumblr.](http://podcastandkill.tumblr.com/))  
> Hope y'all liked this one! Leave kudos if you haven't already and as always leave a comment letting me know what you think! ♥


	18. Chapter 18

There was no fucking way.  
  
Ray had spent the days following the party in a heap on his bed, covered in blankets and moping. He had drafted about a million texts to Ryan, trying to figure out if there was some magical combination of words that would make Ryan stop hating him. He knew that the radio silence from his end wasn’t exactly ideal, but he was just scared he was going to say the wrong thing and Ryan would for sure never talk to him again.  
  
Michael knocked on his door for the fifth time that day, “Are you ever gonna come out of there? You gotta eat, man, this isn’t healthy.”  
  
Ray groaned from his cocoon of blankets, sat up, “If I eat something will you leave me alone?”  
  
“No.” Michael said, but Ray got up anyway. Slipped on Ryan’s fucking hoodie and opened the door.  
  
“Dude, you look like shit- is any of that _your_ clothes?” Michael gestured to everything Ray was wearing. Ray blushed a little, because everything he was wearing _was_ Ryan’s and- he just fucking missed him okay?  
  
“Shut up, do we have food or what?” Ray responded, dodging the question. Michael pointed to the kitchen counter where Ray went and grabbed a slice of pizza.  
  
“So are you ever gonna talk to Ryan, or are you gonna keep listening to Taylor Swift all night and let him be the one that got away?” Michael asked through a mouthful of pizza, sitting on the couch and raising his eyebrows in question.  
  
“I wasn’t listening to Taylor Swift,” Ray rushed out.  
  
“I know what Wildest Dreams sounds like dude, especially when you have it on repeat for like an hour.” Michael said, and Ray frowned, “That’s not my point anyway, my point is- what are you fucking _doing?”_  
  
“I’m eating pizza and listening to you run your fucking mouth.”  
  
“Yeah! And you should be over _there!”_ Michael pointed in the general direction of Jack’s place, “You should be telling Ryan how you feel man, but you’re _here_ being a coward.”  
  
“Newsflash asshole, I’ve _always_ been a coward.” Ray slumped down on the couch, “He’s better off without me.”  
  
“Oh my god, what happened to your whole fucking revelation from Halloween?” Michael asked, sitting up to stare Ray down. Ray said nothing, “So what you just hate him now, is that it?”  
  
Ray stood, frustrated, “No, worse, I probably fucking love him!” he yelled. Michael raised his eyebrows, and Ray ran a hand through his hair.  
  
“Are you serious?” Michael asked, and Ray started walking away.  
  
“Nope, leave me alone,” he called over his shoulder but Michael was already up and grabbing him.  
  
“Dude! You have to tell him- in fact, I’m not fucking letting you back in that fucking room anymore,” Michael moved between him and the door to his room, blocking the way. Ray scoffed and tried to worm his way past, but Michael pushed him back easily.  
  
“Seriously?” Ray said, and Michael grinned.  
  
“As a heart attack.” Michael kept grinning but Ray’s heart was already speeding up at the idea of talking to Ryan after everything.  
  
“It’s like the middle of the night, can’t I at least wait until tomorrow?” Ray said, ready to say anything to get out of this.  
  
“No, I’m officially kicking you out,” Michael said, and pulled out his phone.  
  
“What are you doing?”  
  
“I’m calling Gavin.” Michael said.  
  
“Oh please don’t,” Ray said but Gavin had already answered.  
  
“Hey Gavin, come over,” Michael said into the receiver and Ray sighed, “Yeah, we’re gonna have the loudest, craziest marathon sex in the living room. Ray’s gone for the night.”  
  
Ray raised his arms as if to say what the fuck, and Michael flipped him off, “Alright see you soon Gav.”  
  
“You fucking dick.” Ray said.  
  
“Yeah sure, consider it payback for when I was sexiled from you and Ryan.” Michael said and Ray’s face flushed, god he would never live that down. “Now, get the fuck out of here dude. Go get him.”  
  
“God, just let me in my room for a second there’s no way I’m going over there wearing his fucking clothes,” Ray said and Michael laughed and let him through.  
  
Ray got into his room, looked at himself in the mirror and knew he needed a fucking shower. He took a quick shower, very aware of the fact that if Gavin got here before he left it wouldn’t be great for him. He changed and then Michael was practically shoving him out the door into the cold November air. It was a little bit cooler on his skin because of the shower, his hair still a little damp, but Ray didn’t mind. He had always liked November.  
  
He made the walk to Ryan’s place, and every step was begging him to turn back. His heart was racing, and he still had no idea what he was going to say. He shivered, tried to keep it together as he pictured every way this could go wrong, every way that Ryan could turn him down. That’s what had been running through his mind every night since Halloween. Ryan telling him that he missed his chance, or that it was all a prank, or that he had gone to Vegas and married Geoff. Okay so some seemed more likely than others, but the point was that Ray had pummeled himself with these possibilities until he was in a pile of blankets listening to Taylor Swift on repeat, and then crying while watching a bunch of romantic movies from the 80s that Ryan had shown him, and that was a really low place.  
  
He stood in the driveway of the house, which emanated this warm feeling from the look of it bathed in the orange-yellow color of the driveway lights. Ray’s eyelids slip closed and pull forward images of him and Ryan sitting in his car, laughing and talking and kissing. He sighed. His heart was still trying to break the cage of his ribs and escape, but Ray tried to push the feeling down. He knew that even if it didn’t work out, that if Ryan said no, that he would be okay. And he would always know that he had given it a shot.  
  
He knocked. “Here goes everything.” he mumbled to himself.  
  
He heard footsteps inside, saw the shadow of people checking who it was through the frosted glass, heard muffled voices. Christ, Ray was starting to get a little worried about his heart rate at this point, just wanted someone to open the door, anyone.  
  
It opened. Jack.  
  
“Is uh- well, I _know_ Ryan’s home. Can I-,”  
  
“Listen Ray, we love you and all- well, Geoff and I do- but man. We’re all kinda really pissed at you, and Jeremy’s out for blood, so I would just go home if I was you.” Jack said somberly, and Ray swallowed back the fear.  
  
“Okay, I know I fucked up. A lot.” Ray blanched but continued, “But I- I don’t know if I can fix this, but I need to talk to him. Please, Jack.”  
  
“Dude, I really want this to work out for you guys, I do. But you _did_ fuck up, and everyone’s gonna give me shit if I let you in. Find another way man, sorry.” Jack said, and closed the door.  
  
Ray closed his eyes as the door closed, rubbed at his eyes beneath his glasses. He was a second away from going home, or just away. Anywhere. But he garnered whatever feeling he had left inside him and stayed standing there. The strength it took not to leave was more than Ray was used to having to put effort into, but this was important. And if nothing could ever be fucking easy, then he was just going to have to put up a stronger fight.  
  
Then it started to rain.  
  
Ray looked up at the sky, almost wanting to laugh. If rain wasn’t like fate falling from the fucking sky telling him to _go_ he didn’t know what was. The last time he had thought he should trudge through the rain to talk to Ryan was the night he _should have._ When Ryan came home to Geoff instead. All the while, Ray spent the whole night in a fit of confusion when he should have fucking ran through the rain, followed fate.  
  
Rain drops splattered over his fucking lenses, it was cold and raining and Ray had nowhere to go, so obviously he was going to figure this out.  
  
He had to.  
  
**  
  
Ryan was sat up in his room, mindlessly playing some PC game and pretending he wasn’t on the brink of a depressive episode. He totally was, and playing quiet farming games wasn’t doing a whole lot for it, but he thinks the sad music he’d been blasting for a few days straight was doing _something._ The guys had dropped in a few times since he told them what had happened, but Ryan was pretty sure he wasn’t giving any sort of convincing conversation. He was aiming for a bounce-back, but instead it was more of a trudge uphill while pushing a car.  
  
He heard thunder outside and glanced at his window. The blinds were down, had been for the past few days, and Ryan hadn’t had the urge to raise them until now. It was just an urge though, and Ryan ignored it.  
  
He could hear the guys talking through the walls, knew they were worried, but he just wanted a few days or maybe a week or two to feel like himself again.  
  
Ryan blinked blearily at his screen, hearing something that wasn’t coming from the game. He adjusted the volume on the game and on his music player a few times until he was frustrated, shut it down just so the tinny sound would stop. It didn’t.  
  
He stood and looked around the room, the first burst of energy he’d had in a while, and looked around his room for what was producing the music. He glanced at his phone, held it up to his ear to see if that’s what it was. It lit up with a notification. Ray.  
  
“Fuck.” Ryan muttered. Ray hadn’t talked to him since Halloween. Ryan was sure he wouldn’t be seeing much more of him anymore, and he was almost okay with that. Almost.  
  
He opened the message and stared at it in confusion.  
  
**Ray: Open your window.**  
  
Ryan went to his window out of sheer curiosity, and the closer he got the louder and more familiar the sound he was hearing got. He pulled at the blinds until they revealed Ray. Standing in the rain. Holding up his phone. Ryan opened his window and as he did, the sound of the rain got louder. And so did the song.  
  
“Ryan,” Ray said, and he was fucking shivering, “Wait, fuck I thought I would have a cool speech but I think the rain took it.”  
  
Ryan cracked a small smile, “Is this Africa?”  
  
Ray got closer to the window, “Yeah. It was playing that night that-,”  
  
“When we met. The second time.” Ryan looked at him with this sad smile and Ray remembered his speech. He took off his glasses because the rain was really fucking with what he could see, and he just wanted to see Ryan.  
  
“Ryan, I’ve never been good at any of this stuff. That’s no excuse, but I’m standing here in the fucking rain because I figured out that I’m an idiot.” He wiped at his face with a wet sleeve, and for once looked Ryan in his eyes, “And I’m gonna say something, but I’m not gonna say it until I tell you.”  
  
“I’m not gonna get much better at the whole relationship thing. I’ve hurt a lot of people because they thought I would change, but I never did. And if that’s not what you want, then I totally get it.” Ray said over the hum of the rain, and Ryan’s blue eyes were piercing him like nothing he’d ever felt before.  
  
“But I’m so in love with you. God, I love you. I love you so fucking ridiculously that I didn’t even know that’s what it _was_ when the feeling came over me. It feels like being struck by lightning forever.” Ryan’s face was slowly softening, a smile gracing his gorgeous face and Ray could drown in the light that it shone onto him.  
  
“I don’t know if I’m what you want, if I’d be good at being what you want. But I really want to try, I really fucking do if you’d have me.” Ray said, and he was kind of crying now and Africa was singing his life out and Ray’s heart was two seconds from breaking free of the binds of his chest.  
  
Ryan leaned out of the window and into the rain, grabbed Ray by his shirt and pulled Ray in for a kiss that left Ray completely breathless. Ryan was kissing Ray and he felt like sunlight glimmering on the edge of a wave in the sea, like closing his eyes after a long night, like everything that was warm and good and beautiful had flooded him. Like the rain could be stars. Ryan’s hands moved from his shirt to cradle Ray’s face delicately, like Ray could just break if Ryan moved wrong. His thumbs rubbed over the softness of Ray’s face sweetly, and Ray had never felt as beautiful as he did in that moment.  
  
They pulled away, and Ray closed his eyes as Ryan pressed their foreheads together, let him breathe.  
  
“I don’t need you to meet my parents, or write me love songs, or dance down the bleachers singing Can’t Take My Eyes Off You. I don’t even need you to be John Cusack, but I can teach you to drive in my car if you want.” Ryan chuckled and Ray had his eyes closed, smiled and nodded where they were pressed together.  
  
Ryan climbed the rest of the way out of the window, “I love you for the spaces between the words, and the commas, and the stuttered ‘uh’s’ that we get stuck on- not for the fucking words around them. I love you for you.”  
  
Ray pulled him in for another kiss, and they were kissing in the fucking rain and Ray had never felt more like he knew what love was than he did there as they were drenched in the cold rain. He was definitely crying, but the rain hid that, and if Ryan said anything about it later Ray would absolutely deny it.  
  
They pulled apart again and Ray laughed, “How was your speech so much fucking better than mine?”  
  
Ryan chuckled, held him close and kissed the top of his head, “I’m way smarter than you.”  
  
“Fuck off, I tried really hard!” Ray said, and they met eyes again. Ryan was smiling and Ray wanted to punish himself for ever being the one to take that smile off his face.  
  
“I believe you,” Ryan said and Ray leaned up and kissed him again, god it was so easy and perfect and the idea that Ray had lived in a world where he couldn’t kiss Ryan whenever he wanted felt like a bad dream already.  
  
Suddenly there were cheers and clapping and they pulled apart to see the guys watching them from inside Ryan’s room, laughing and wolf-whistling. Ray tucked his face into Ryan’s chest in embarrassment and Ryan held him there.  
  
“Alright, show’s over dicks. Get out of my room!” Ryan said, waving them away.  
  
“Wha- we’re being supportive!” Geoff said, lingering at the window as the guys left.  
  
“Yes, and we appreciate it Geoff-,” Ryan started but was interrupted by Ray.  
  
“Fuck off Geoff!” Ray said, muffled by Ryan’s shirt.  
  
“Fine! I know when I’m not wanted!” Geoff yelled, voice cracking.  
  
They stood in the rain for a while before Ray spoke again, “My phone isn’t waterproof.”  
  
As he spoke, the song stopped playing and Ryan started laughing hysterically. They rushed inside and got out of their wet clothes, put Ray’s phone in a bag of rice and settled into a pile of blankets to watch Netflix. They were warm and sated and happy, and in the middle of the movie Ray reached his hand out to hold Ryan’s.  
  
Ryan smiled brightly to himself and rubbed his thumb soothingly over Ray’s hand, leaned on him more heavily. They were watching some ridiculous rom-com, and they felt happy. No holding back, no hesitation, no mystery or pining. Just happy.  
  
And it was fucking good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know what you're thinking! "Oh no it's over!"  
> Not quite! There's still a whole lot to come, so stay tuned!
> 
> I won't be able to post the next chapter until Thursday the 20th! But then back to normal schedule after that!  
> I really hope you guys liked this one, and I hope you keep reading! ♥
> 
> Leave kudos if you liked it, and leave a comment letting me know what you think!!


	19. Chapter 19

Ray was having a great time watching Netflix, sitting unnecessarily close to Ryan, and holding his hand. No, really he was, he was just also very aware of every passing touch of skin against skin, even the soft yet constant rub of Ryan’s thumb over his hand was quietly driving him insane. Then, as if Ryan knew exactly what he was fucking doing, his other arm went around Ray’s shoulder comfortably and the hand of that arm came up to scritch lazily at Ray’s stubble. Ryan’s fingers rubbed through the sparse hairs growing down the line of his cheek, down his neck. Ray would fucking moan if he had less of a sense of self preservation.  
  
Ryan’s thumb tugged lightly at Ray’s bottom lip, and self preservation took off with the wind, fast and without a sound. He hummed lightly chased after Ryan’s hand as he pulled away, pressed a kiss to it when he caught up. Ryan chuckled lightly, and Ray bit at his thumb playfully, very steadfastly did _not_ whine. Because he has willpower. Allegedly.  
  
He tried to snap his attention back to the movie, hoped that Ryan wouldn’t fucking ask him anything about it because _fuck_ if he knew.  
  
God what movie even is this?  
  
“Having trouble focusing?” Ryan asked, a smile pulling at the corners of his mouth, easy.  
  
“Who me? Never. Nope, this yeah, this is good.” Ray said. Convincingly. Well, as convincingly as he could manage with Ryan’s fucking _everything_ all over him with his, like, touching or whatever. Is this domesticity?  
  
Ryan reached over and paused the movie, turning to face those blue eyes on Ray, amusement crinkling around the corners of his eyes. He pointed at the character on screen, “What’s her name?”  
  
“Aw that’s not fair at all, she’s- uh, she’s like a side character. How am I supposed to know her name?” Ray said, and Ryan raised his eyebrows.  
  
“She’s the protagonist.”  
  
“Yeah, that’s what I meant. Her name is uh. _Ss-T-?_ San-dra?” Ray tried, gauging whether he was close from Ryan’s expression.  
  
“Wrong. Good try, though,” Ryan said, chuckling.  
  
“Whatever, you’re like purposely distracting me-,”  
  
“What? No I’m not, I’m-,”  
  
“You’re like!” Ray gestured vaguely toward himself, “With the hands on my face, and my mouth and! You’re all warm and- y’know what fuck you!” Ryan was laughing as Ray scooted away from him. Ryan followed the warmth of his body, still laughing.  
  
“No, don’t leave,” he laughed out, grabbing at Ray’s wrists, “Okay! I was distracting you on purpose, is that against the rules?”  
  
He was sitting squarely on Ray’s hips now, effectively trapping him on the bed. “There doesn’t need to be rules for everything dumbass.”  
  
“Hm, so you admit that I didn’t break any rules?” Ryan said mischievously, and Ray rolled his eyes.  
  
“Alright asshole you got me there.” Ray wriggled beneath him, very aware of the implications their positions were sending to his body. Ryan moved subtly above him, feeling him out.  
  
Oh yes, this was happening.  
  
Ryan moved his hips down more deliberately, and Ray choked out a sound, his dick half-hard already. Christ, Ryan would be the death of him, he really would be.  
  
“Is this what we’re doing?” Ray asked as Ryan pulled his shirt over his head, leaned down and kissed Ray full on the mouth, slick slide of tongues dirty between them.  
  
“Yes,” Ryan said, and met Ray’s mouth for another hot kiss, breathing in against him so that he was swirling around in the scent of rain and detergent and something that Ryan would only ever associate with _Ray._ Ray kissed back, hungry, feeling like he had been teased for the past few hours, like this was the payoff. Ryan was so good at the long con, that maybe the whole movie idea was a lead up. Ray would never know.  
  
Ryan nipped at his mouth sucked Ray’s bottom lip into his mouth like he intended to keep it, let go and kissed down the rough line of Ray’s jaw, taking his time, biting at Ray’s earlobe when he made his way there. Ray sucked in a breath, cold air hitting his lungs gratefully like he hadn’t taken a breath. Ryan’s breath was hot against him and Ray would never stop feeling the thrill that came with the specific proximity of someone’s breath- _Ryan’s breath-_ against his ear, hot on his neck. Like a secret in the shape of a kiss.  
  
Ray’s hands moved from Ryan’s hips, slid upwards till his hands met the hot expanse of Ryan’s back, always so hot god knew why, he dragged his blunt nails down slowly. He loved leaving Ryan’s pale skin with a memory of him- pink and red lines, visible and slightly raised against the pale of Ryan’s skin. Ray liked to think of the contrast as something similar to the contrast of his skin against Ryan’s- his warm and soft a parallel to Ryan’s pale and firm.  
  
Ryan kissed down his neck and Ray was itching to get out of these clothes, to get skin against skin in this headspace, these new neuron pathways. Ryan, as if sensing Ray’s impatience, pulled at the hem of Ray’s shirt- which was actually Ryan’s shirt- and pulled it up and off of Ray.  
  
Ryan sucked a mark onto Ray’s neck, and god he hadn’t done that in like weeks. He sat back on Ray’s hips to admire his handiwork, Ray’s hips lifting of their own accord as he did. He looked up at Ryan through half-lidded eyes, and yeah yes okay this is good he fucking missed this.  
  
“You’re so beautiful,” Ryan said, because he could _say that_ now, and he kissed down Ray’s chest- slowly, deliberately.  
  
“Fuck,” Ray moaned out, fingers threading through Ryan’s hair as he hooked his fingers into the waistband of Ray’s joggers, pulled them down slowly and kissed at his hipbones. He nuzzled his face over Ray’s length, the cling of boxer briefs the only thing between Ryan’s mouth and his cock. Ryan breathed hotly over him, and Ray was fully hard now, whining at Ryan’s teasing.  
  
Ryan chuckled, “Oh, did you want me to take these off?”  
  
_“Ryan,”_ Ray huffed, “Come _on,”_ he lifted his hips in askance, but Ryan put a hand on the flat of his stomach and pressed him down into the bed. He moved up Ray’s prone form, kissed him hot and dirty, Ray’s hands going for his hair, his neck god- it was addicting.  
  
He pulled back and Ray chased after the touch, Ryan kept out of his reach, thrusted his hips down against Ray. “Try again,” Ryan said with a raised eyebrow.  
  
Ray sighed, leaned up so the side of his face was pressed to Ryan’s, whispered in his ear, “Please. Fuck. Me.” He dragged his cheek against Ryan’s as he pulled away, the scratch of their stubble sending shivers down Ray’s spine.  
  
“Better.” Ryan said, pulling down Ray’s underwear so that his dick slapped wetly onto his stomach, leaking precome. Ryan leaned down and licked up Ray’s cock, sucking the head into his mouth and teasing at the slit with his tongue. Ray moaned out above him, hands tangling in the sheets as Ryan swallowed him down.  
  
“God, fuck Ryan,” Ray groaned, moving his hands to Ryan’s hair and tugging a little harsher than necessary and causing Ryan to hum a moan around his length. He looked up at Ray, sapphire blue eyes through pale lashes, mouth stretched around his length beautifully, and fuck if Ray had any control at all.  
  
He thrusted up into the wet heat of Ryan’s mouth, helplessly, and Ryan pulled back slightly and put an arm over his hips to hold him down. Ray loved the pressure of Ryan’s strong arm pressing him into the bed, the restraint of it, pushed up against Ryan just to test him. Ryan only pressed onto him harder, muscles tensing.  
  
“Fuck, fuck, _fuck,”_ Ray moaned, watching as Ryan sunk down and up over his cock, hollowing his cheeks out so those gorgeous cheekbones were on full display, eyelashes fanning over them so pretty. Ryan’s free hand came up to jerk him in time with his mouth bobbing over Ray’s cock, twisting on every other stroke and Ray was _gone_ for this.  
  
_“Ryan,_ please- I’m gonna come I-,” Ray moaned out as Ryan sucked him down hard and heady to Ray’s senses. Ryan didn’t stop, just kept going until Ray was coming with a shout, hands going tight in Ryan’s hair as Ryan swallowed around him, still sucking as Ray softened, and Ray could cry for how oversensitive he was.  
  
_“Ohmygod,_ please I- ah,” Ray was practically pushing Ryan off of his dick, too sensitive and spent to handle it, but god he was practically half-hard again from it. Ryan pressed a biting kiss to Ray’s hip, kissed lower and lower until he put his hands on Ray’s thighs, hot and firm, and spread them further.  
  
Ray was still coming to above him, and Ryan was looking at him hungrily, mouth wet and eyes dark with want. “Can I-?” he half asked, sucking his own fingers into his mouth and pressing them to Ray’s entrance, rubbing small, irresistible circles around his rim. Ray whined, pushed his hips down to meet Ryan’s teasing fingers.  
  
“You’re killing me,” Ray said, sated smile gracing his features. Ryan grinned.  
  
“Good. I’m gonna eat you out now,” Ryan said easy as anything, and that’s all the warning Ray got before Ryan disappeared between his legs.  
  
“Ryan- _Ryan!”_ Ray moaned out as Ryan’s tongue pressed against his hole, licking over him before dipping inside, in and out teasingly. Ray felt like his brain was fucking melting, Ryan’s tongue brushing over him again and again, getting him nice and wet, fuck.  
  
“Ryan- _ohmygod please,_ Ryan- god, fuck,” Ray moaned, and with that Ryan was eating him out enthusiastically, hands rubbing over Ray’s thighs as he licked into Ray, deep and relentless. Ray was moaning a mantra of _“Ryan, Ryan, Ryan,”_ cock hard and leaking again from just this, god bless his youthful refractory period.  
  
Ryan pulled away with one last drag of his tongue over Ray’s hole, kept a firm hand on Ray’s thigh as he reached to his bedside table for lube.  
  
“You’re so hot, how the fuck did I get this lucky?” Ray breathed out, his eyes squinting at Ryan standing in the glow of the light in the room.  
  
“You didn’t,” Ryan said, leaning in and kissing him as he pressed two lubed fingers into his hole, “I did.”  
  
Ray moaned as Ryan’s fingers moved in and out of him, scissoring and stretching him open, a slight burn running through Ray.  
  
“God, we’re about to have really sappy, lovey-dovey sex,” Ray said, half smiling, breathless as Ryan added another finger, pressed in easily.  
  
“Oh yeah. Definitely.” Ryan said, smiling. Ray closed his eyes to revel in the feeling of Ryan’s fingers pressing into him, briefly wondered how a few hours ago they weren’t even speaking to each other. They were kissing again, mouths seeking heat, the slick slide of each other.  
  
Ryan found that sweet spot inside Ray and rubbed over it again and again as Ray breathed hot against his mouth, “There, fuck- _yes, there,”_  
  
Ryan pulled his fingers away as Ray’s breathing got harsher, Ray let out a moan at the loss of it, but he clawed at Ryan’s shoulders as he lifted himself off of Ray to get a condom.  
  
“Fuck me, oh my god I need you inside me _now,_ please-,” Ray breathed out, words coming out too fast, Ryan just kissed him quiet, got his pants off, rolled a condom over himself slowly, and lubed himself up, groaning mostly to himself as he jerked himself off a bit.  
  
Ray’s ears perked up at the sound, he watched Ryan slide his hand up and down his own cock with a light touch, an earthy moan escaping him as he lost himself to it a bit. Ray’s eyes glazed over as he watched him like that, fuck holy fuck, Ryan was too gorgeous for his own good.  
  
He sat up and put a hand on the back of Ryan’s neck, pulled him down into a searing kiss, pressed their foreheads together, “I love you.”  
  
Ryan whimpered, kissed him again, and guided his cock into Ray’s entrance slowly. Ray closed his eyes and reveled in this, the stretch of Ryan’s length pressing into him, Ray’s cock leaked precome onto his stomach in anticipation, and then Ryan bottomed out.  
  
“Fuck. Fuck, I’m so _full_ oh god it’s _so good,”_ Ray moaned out, eyes shut tightly so his eyelashes cast shadows over his cheeks, he wasn’t even talking for Ryan, he just couldn’t help himself.  
  
Ryan, for the life of him, was using every hairsbreadth of willpower he had to not thrust into Ray mindlessly, too early. The tight heat of Ray was drawing him in gorgeously, god he could die for this, could die for _Ray._  
  
“Okay, okay move,” Ray said, eyes still closed, hand rubbing over Ryan’s shoulder.  
  
“Are you sur-?”  
  
_“Ryan-_ move,” Ray said more forcefully this time, hand scratching down his back for emphasis.  
  
Ryan didn’t ask twice, pulled almost all the way out, and then pushed in again, agonizingly slow. The slow drag in and out was driving Ray up the wall, he thrusted down hungrily, wantonly.  
  
“Ryan- dear god please,” Ray said, but every nerve in his body felt exposed, and he was arrested to the slow pleasure of it. He moaned low in his throat, fingernails trailing harshly down Ryan’s back as Ryan thrusted into him.  
  
“Yeah, _fuck- yeah,”_ Ryan moaned out, and Ray captured his mouth in another kiss, Ryan still thrusting slow and deep. He started to brush against the bundle of nerves inside of Ray, causing Ray to whimper out, _“Ah, yes,”_  
  
Ryan’s excruciatingly slow pace meant that the drag over that spot was slow and teasing, and it was drawing noises out of Ray that he couldn’t even identify. Ryan ate it up, kissing marks down his neck, biting at the juncture between his neck and shoulder, groaning with every thrust.  
  
“Yes, _yes,- ah, Ryan,”_ Ray moaned out, thrashing beneath Ryan, his hips thrusting down to meet Ryan’s. Ryan picked up the pace, faster because he was close, harder because Ray was thrusting down to meet him.  
  
“God, _Ray, Ray, Ray,”_ Ryan moaned, nipped at Ray’s earlobe, _“Love you,_ I love you,”  
  
Ray felt that familiar heat coil in the pit of his stomach- hotter now, piercing through him and injecting that heat directly into his veins, so that the sweat that beaded on his forehead felt cool to the touch. Ryan’s thrusts became more erratic, brushing over Ray’s prostate again and again.  
  
“Fuck, fuck fuck-!” Ray cried out, his voice echoing against the walls obscenely, and he came all over himself- his dizziness and the shock of it reminding him that this is the fucking _second time_ he came, and Ryan was still going.  
  
Ray clawed down Ryan’s back, got a grip on Ryan’s hips and dug his fingernails in as Ryan thrusted into him, Ray was quivering with oversensitivity but was fucking drowning in it, loved it.  
  
“So good, _fuck, yes, yeah-,”_ Ryan groaned. Ray captured his mouth in another kiss and Ryan’s hips stuttered as he came _hard,_ his moan lost between their mouths.  
  
They breathed heavy against each other, small kisses going back and forth between them, sheen of sweat shining over them. Ryan pulled out and Ray could fucking pass out for the loss of Ryan inside of him. Ryan rolled onto his back beside Ray, tied the condom off and tossed it in the general direction of his wastebasket.  
  
Ray turned to him and slung an arm around Ryan’s waist, rested his head on Ryan’s chest. They just breathed together like that for a while. Ryan was rubbing soothing circles into his back and Ray was absolutely fucking gone. Spaced. No longer here. Where the fuck. He was in another universe somewhere in between orgasm-induced sleep and the high of Ryan’s presence.  
  
“I’ll be right back.” Ryan said, got up and Ray whined but wasn’t really aware of doing so. Ryan came back with a warm wet towel, and cleaned up Ray’s tummy gently. Ray hummed at the feeling.  
  
Ryan got back on the bed and pulled Ray to sit up with him, could see him coming to a bit more.  
  
“You want me to put the movie back on?” Ryan said, reaching for his mouse to do so.  
  
“Mhm. Start it over.” Ray mumbled, kissed Ryan’s shoulder.  
  
Ryan chuckled and pressed a kiss to Ray’s hair, “Sure.”  
  
They watched the movie from the beginning, and Ray could totally name that bitch from earlier should Ryan ask again, but he didn’t. It was a nice movie, and they definitely didn’t start making out in the middle of it, nope they were paying attention the entire time.  
  
Eventually there was a knock at Ryan’s door followed by Jeremy’s voice, “Are you guys naked or can I come in?”  
  
Ray grabbed for his and Ryan’s pants, and they both slipped them on, “Yeah come on in, Lil J,” Ryan said just as he pulled his sweatpants up.  
  
“Oh man, it reeks of sex in here,” Jeremy said as he pulled the door open, waved his hand in front of his face in exaggeration.  
  
“Shut up,” Ryan said and Ray blushed, “What do you want?”  
  
“We’re going out tonight, the whole fuckin’ gang. You guys in?” Jeremy asked, gesturing toward the living room.  
  
Ryan looked at Ray in question, and Ray wasn’t thrilled about going out, but he was come-happy and liked the idea of Ryan dancing with him this time instead of someone else. Also, he wasn’t too fond of letting Ryan out of his grasp just yet, nor did he want to hold Ryan back from going out if he wanted to do that.  
  
“Sure, sure. Let’s do it.” Ray said and Ryan smiled, kissed him on the cheek and _wow_ domesticity rocks.  
  
“Alright, we’ll get ready,” Ryan said, standing and throwing clothes onto the bed.  
  
Jeremy nodded and smiled at Ray before backing out of the room. Ray snickered as Ryan threw all sorts of clothes onto the bed, some his, some Ray’s.  
  
“Great, now I need to figure out what to wear.” Ryan said, picking up a shirt and holding it up.  
  
“This is the part where we put on music and you try on clothes in a rad makeover montage like it’s the 90s again.” Ray said, sitting cross-legged on the bed and smiling brightly at Ryan.  
  
Ryan’s eyes sparkled and what the fuck Ray would do anything for him.  
  
“Let’s do it.” Ryan put on some music and Ray laughed, this was gonna be fun as long as he was with Ryan. He was sure of it.  
  
It was going to be a good night. A long one, but a good one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayooooo, welcome back! A day late, but better than not at all!  
> I hope y'all liked this heavily gratuitous chapter, if you did let me know in the comments!
> 
> Leave kudos if you haven't already, and stay tuned! The next chapter should be up on Sunday!!! ♥


	20. Chapter 20

Michael and Gavin were already in the club when the guys arrived, buying drinks for everybody and snatching a booth before there was none left. It was one of those nights- people are still partying for the sake of midterms having finished, even this many days after it was all said and done. Michael loved the environment in it, the energy. Parties, clubs, the whole shebang- Michael had always been a fan of that hype it sent running under his skin like a live wire.  
  
It always made him a little sad that Ray couldn’t find the same joy in it that he did. He had often tried to use that as a reason to consider Ray out of his typical type of guy- and it was true, Michael liked the kind of guy who couldn’t hold his liquor at a party but didn’t mind because the buzz was gold and worth every second hovering over a toilet. Someone, well someone like Gavin. He looked at Gavin out of the corner of his eye as the guys approached. He nodded along to the beat of the music, smiled brightly when he caught Michael’s eye. Gavin was great.  
  
Michael smiled in return and watched over the lip of his glass as the guys met up with them, stifling a quell of some feeling in his stomach at the sight of Ray holding hands with Ryan. They looked happy. Michael pushed the feeling away, it wasn’t his place and he knew that better than anyone. He really was happy for Ray, even smiled when Ray sent him the text that read, “ **thanks 4 kicking me out. we worked it out. I owe u big time <3**”  
  
Still, it didn’t feel great.  
  
“Ayooo! Looks like the boys worked it out after all, Gavvy!” Michael conjured enthusiasm from nowhere, fist bumping a hesitant Ryan and winking at Ray.  
  
“Thank god- Ray I was about to bone you _myself_ if that’s what it took to stop your moping around!” Gavin yelled over the music, grinning.  
  
Michael rolled his eyes, still listening to the conversation as he hugged Geoff and Jack in greeting, “He didn’t want to fuck _you,_ dumbass.”  
  
“What’s that have to do with anything?” Gavin said, faking stupidity and then laughing when he couldn’t keep it up. Geoff and Jack laughed at the joke, Geoff ruffled Gavin’s hair.  
  
“You’re alright, you british prick, did you know that?” Geoff said, and Gavin blushed.  
  
“The point is,” Michael put a light hand on Ray’s shoulder, was very aware of Ryan’s gaze burning a hole through him, “We’re all happy for you guys, and now we’re celebrating by using you as a reason to get fucking schwasted!”  
  
The guys all raised a glass at that, the clinking sound barely audible over their laughter and the ridiculously loud music. Michael took a long sip of beer as Jeremy walked up to him. Fuck, Gavin had told him about the almost-fight Michael had tried to start at the Halloween party with this guy. He couldn’t really remember it, but seeing the purple hair was certainly ringing some bells.  
  
“Hey Michael.” Jeremy said.  
  
Michael nodded, “Jeremy.”  
  
Jeremy stuck a hand out, “We good?”  
  
Michael looked at his hand and chuckled, taking it and giving it a firm shake, “Yeah, why not.” Jeremy smiled and clapped him on the shoulder, laughing a little bit.  
  
“Good man,” he said and Michael laughed along with him, watched Ray and Ryan have a quiet conversation in the corner of the booth, Ray smiling. Fuck. Michael turned to talk to Gavin, but Gavin had already slung an arm around him, started speaking.  
  
“You’ll get used to it, love.” Gavin said, and Michael believed him, he really did. He kissed Gavin on the cheek, was glad that he had just as few boundaries as Michael did, and tossed back the rest of his beer.  
  
“Until then I’m just gonna drink it away. Care to get fucked up with me?” Michael murmured, smiling at Gavin’s knowing look.  
  
“Only always,” Gavin said, and followed Michael out of the booth.  
  
“We’re getting shots, who else wants shots?” Michael yelled, and counted the hands, blinking as Ray and Ryan awkwardly chuckled at their depraved friends.  
  
“Cool, we’ll be back suckas,” Michael said and Gavin pulled him to the bar.  
  
Ryan watched them walk away, this suspicious feeling in him that he didn’t know what to do with. He knew that Ray would want him to just trust Michael and trust that things between them were platonic, but every time he caught a glimpse of Michael’s profile he had a little flash of him sitting in Ray’s lap and- well. It wasn’t the nicest of things to associate with the best friend of his fucking boyfriend- _boyfriend!-_ not when they were as close as they were. _Are._  
  
Still, Ray told Ryan that Michael was the driving force that put Ray outside of his window playing their song- yes, it is absolutely their song fuck you- and Ryan was really pressed not to find fault in him if it’s true. Which it must be. God knows Ray likes to take credit when he can grab it, so he had no reason to say Michael helped. Unless-  
  
Ryan shook himself from the line of thought. He was exhausting himself, it was too much effort to be constantly worried about Michael. He’s not a threat. He’s a nuisance at worst and an ally at best.  
  
“- no really, I’m gonna fucking sound proof Ryan’s room if you guys keep it up,” Jack chuckled, his cheeks rosy as he was well on his way to buzzed.  
  
“Jack, buddy, man- why are you turning down free entertainment?” Geoff said, eyes glinting, “With so many purposes too!”  
  
Geoff started to list things, counting on his fingers as Ray put his face in his hands.  
  
“You can laugh at it. You can jerk off to it. You can record the audio of it on your phone and play it at the club so your buddies can laugh at it-,” Geoff said, pulling his phone out of his pocket as he did.  
  
Ryan felt Ray stiffen next to him, “Bullshit, you did not,” Ryan said.  
  
“Oh Ryan. Dear, sweet Rye-bread. You underestimate me.” Geoff said, and hit play on his phone. They all got about two seconds of someone’s moans before Ryan snatched the phone out of Geoff’s hands and quit the app.  
  
Geoff, Jack, and Jeremy were losing their shit laughing as Ryan rolled his eyes at them, looked through Geoff’s phone to find the file and delete it.  
  
“Don’t-,” Geoff tried to get out through laughter, “Don’t bother, I just played some porno, you guys are lame.”  
  
Ryan opened his browser and Geoff wasn’t lying, there it was, CHRIS TRIES ANAL (FIRST TIME!) playing on his phone. Geoff laughed again as the soundbite played through, and Ray flipped him off.  
  
“Real mature, Geoff,” Ray said.  
  
“Thanks, I try.” Geoff raised his glass as if to toast to that.  
  
Ryan shrugged and continued looking through Geoff’s phone while he still had it. Ray rested his chin on Ryan’s shoulder and watched him scroll through apps and pages, humming quiet laughter as Geoff failed to realize Ryan still had the phone.  
  
Ryan opened up the gallery app and scrolled through Geoff’s photos, and that’s right about when Geoff realized it.  
  
“Hey- no, no give that back!” Geoff reached across Jack to try and take the phone from Ryan, but it was Ray who successfully took the phone, eyebrows raising as he scrolled through.  
  
“Ray-,”  
  
“Jesus Geoff, could you _be_ any more obsessed with Ryan?” Ray said, and flipped the phone around so the guys could see… more than a few candid pictures of Ryan. Some were selfies of them together, others looked like Geoff had taken them from the passenger seat of Ryan’s car, or sitting in front of him at a familiar fast food restaurant.  
  
Jeremy and Jack laughed heartily, and Geoff flushed as Ray scrolled through them, mouth opening like he had an explanation but no words came.  
  
Ryan smiled, half flattered and half embarrassed on Geoff’s behalf, “Oh hey those are from my first week on campus, right after I moved in.” Some of them were. Ryan knew that some of them weren’t, but had absolutely been there and didn’t really want to expose Geoff for it.  
  
Geoff raised his eyebrows and finally returned to earth, found his explanation, “No one’s gonna believe me, and Jack isn’t gonna back me up because he’s the worst, but,”  
  
“It was an inside joke,” Jack interrupted rolling his eyes, “I kept making fun of Geoff because of his- crush or whatever, so he kept sending me pictures of Ryan with a bunch of heart eyes emojis and other shit.”  
  
Geoff sighed gratefully, and Jack clapped a hand onto his shoulder, “Wasn’t gonna leave you hanging, Geoff, just wanted to see you flounder for a minute.”  
  
“Fuck you very much, Jack.”  
  
“Cool story, don’t take anymore pictures of my boyfriend,” Ray said, sliding Geoff’s phone across the table as the words left his mouth.  
  
“Ooh, boyfriend!” Jeremy said, winking at Ryan who was just grinning. It was a good day to be Ryan.  
  
“Yeah, don’t worry about it sweetheart, I already fucked your boyfriend-,” Geoff mumbled, and Ray was about to get him to repeat that when Gavin and Michael slammed down a tray of shots onto the table, effectively ending the conversation. For which, Ryan was eternally grateful.  
  
“Shots, bitches!” Gavin said, sliding shots to everyone but Ray and Ryan.  
  
“What did he fucking say?” Ray asked Ryan quietly as the boys tossed back shots, and Ryan shook his head.  
  
“Didn’t hear, not gonna worry about it. You shouldn’t either, though I appreciate the protective detail.” Ryan said, lying through his teeth, and he put an arm around Ray’s shoulders and kissed his forehead. Ray didn’t need to know what Geoff said, it would only ruffle feathers and kickstart an issue Ryan didn’t want to be in the middle of.  
  
Getting with Ryan was just something that Geoff had to get out of the way, and-  
  
Ryan’s line of thought paused as his memory echoed those same words in one of a million voicemails Ray had left him after the night Ryan walked in on him and Michael together. _“Me and Michael just wanted to- I don't know. Get it out of the way.”_  
  
Ryan’s eyes closed at the moment of clarity, and he tugged Ray closer to him using the arm around his shoulders. His mind jumbled around the phrase about hindsight being 20/20, an idea he had always been against- always standing for clarity in every moment. And yet, here he was proving himself wrong.  
  
Oh well.  
  
“Let’s fucking dance- _everybody,_ I’m not taking no for an answer!” Michael yelled, liquor invigorating him, spreading a wide grin over his pink mouth.  
  
Ryan raised his eyebrows and held out his hand at Ray who smirked and took it. They filed out of the booth with the guys, a sort of conga line of dudes headed to the dance floor. The place was fucking packed, which left them in a crowd of people, all drunk and dancing on each other like it was their last night alive. Ray clung to Ryan and they stayed with the guys, forming their own circle and dancing, strangers joining them, and dancing on them.  
  
Ray was kind of dying but he slung his arms around Ryan’s neck and stayed tight to his chest, decided to just go with it. He was getting pulled back to that night with Michael and Gavin in the back of his mind, which wasn’t great, but he was pushing it aside because Ryan was smiling. He was smiling, and they were sweating and his friends were laughing and dancing in the flash of colorful lights, the music way louder there on the dance floor than it was by the tables. Ray did his best to sink into it, to focus on Ryan’s smile in the sheen of green then blue then pink.  
  
“What song is this?” Ray yelled into Ryan’s ear. Ryan held him closer, yelled, “I don’t know!”  
  
They laughed and smiled at each other, and Ray leaned up to pull him into a kiss, to let him know this was good, this was fun and nice. Not to worry. Ryan smiled at him as the pulled away, he got the message.  
  
They went through a few songs that way, the guys pulling them away from each other whenever they got the chance, laughing and yelling, “We wanna dance with you horny fucks _too!”_  
  
Well, Geoff was the only one really saying that, but Ray and Ryan laughed anyway, let the guys pull them away to dance stupid and happy. Ray had wandered to the fringe of the group, realized how close they were to the edge of the dance floor, and spotted Jack leaning against the hard wood of the bar. He took the opportunity for a bit of respite, leaned against the bar with Jack.  
  
Jack smiled at him, turned to see where the bartender was, “I’m gonna go talk to the bartender and get a beer- you want anything? Water?”  
  
“Nah, I’m good. Thanks.” Ray said, and let Jack wander over to the opposite side of the bar where the bartender was. He watched Ryan dance happily with the boys, smiled whenever he saw Ryan laughing. A warm glow of a feeling growing in his stomach.  
  
He was interrupted by the heavy smell of liquor, and hot breath against his ear.  
  
“Wanna dance, sexy?” some dude slurred out, and Ray gulped as he looked up at this burly guy, clearly drunk and already kind of trying to dance on him despite his not actually being on the dance floor.  
  
“No thanks, I’m kinda tired.” Ray said, avoiding eye contact. His eyes searched the bar frantically, where the fuck is Jack when you need him? He looked at where the guys were dancing, but couldn’t catch their eye.  
  
“C’mon sweetheart,” the guy said, grabbing grossly at Ray’s waist now, pulling him toward the dance floor, and Ray struggled to worm out of his grasp, “I bet you could do _one_ more song, one more song? I’m askin’ _reaaal_ nice.”  
  
“I’m actually with someone-,” Ray yanked his arm away as the guy grabbed that too, “No thanks.”  
  
“I don’t see anyone around,” the guy said, and then Ray was fucking terrified, lost sight of Ryan.  
  
Then the guy jerked away from Ray, and Ray felt relief rush through him- Ryan. Ryan had pulled the guy away from Ray, pushed on him so he was stumbling back.  
  
“You bothering my boyfriend, asshole?” Ryan said, and Ray had never felt so fucking relieved in his life, so thankful that Ryan had such an intimidating presence.  
  
“He was asking me to dance, man. Not my fault that you can’t keep your boyfriend in line.” The guy said, pushing Ryan back and sending a glare Ray’s way.  
  
“Fuck you, dude, I never wanted to fucking dance with you,” Ray said, and the guy’s face went to fucking rage.  
  
“Whatever, man,” the guy raised his hands as if in surrender, turned to walk away. Ryan scoffed turned to look at Ray, to say something. Ray didn’t get to hear it.  
  
Before anyone could react, the guy had turned back around and grabbed for Ray, shoved him full force into the bar. Ray’s head knocked heavy onto the edge of the bar, and he collapsed to the ground, forehead split and bleeding.  
  
Ryan’s every breath disappeared, vision went red, he didn’t even realize he was lunging for the guy until his fist connected with the guy’s jaw. The guy went sprawling onto the ground and Ryan followed him down. Ryan’s fist connected with the asshole’s face again and again, and the guy came to, pushed Ryan off of him and fought back. They were both standing again and the guy punched Ryan in the stomach, and twice in the face, Ryan’s head jerking back at the connection to his cheek.  
  
Then there were hands on Ryan, holding him back, on his arms, and Ryan was fighting it, didn’t care who it was, rage boiling inside him. His vision was clouded, but he could see people holding back the guy too, hauling him away even as blood came from his lip, his nose.  
  
Ryan fought against the people holding him back until someone’s voice pulled him out of the haze, back into reality- Geoff.  
  
“Ryan- Ryan, c’mon we gotta go Ray’s bleeding real bad.” Geoff said into his ear, and Ryan stopped struggling, turned around and realized it was Geoff and Jeremy holding him back. He saw Ray laid out on the floor, his head on Michael’s lap.  
  
Ryan ran to him, sat on the floor, “Ray, fuck oh my god, are you okay? Ray, wake up,”  
  
“Wake the _fuck up, Ray!”_ Michael yelled, his voice a bit shaky, his hand shaking Ray.  
  
“Fuck,” Ryan heard, and looked down to see Ray squinting, and fuck, man there was blood all over his face, the gash pretty bad on his forehead. Ryan could feel his pulse elevating, tried not to freak out, knew that facial wounds were usually superficial- they just had to keep him awake.  
  
“You awake? Stay awake, Ray, c’mon we gotta get you to a fucking doctor.” Ryan said, lifted Ray into his arms, bridal style. Ray weighed fucking nothing and for whatever reason that was so jarring to Ryan, even as they all rushed out of the club.  
  
“Where’s Jack?” Gavin asked, breathless as they exited the club.  
  
“He ran to go get the fucking car,” Geoff said, and as he spoke Jack pulled up, and they piled in.  
  
Ryan sat in the back, speaking sweet nothings into Ray’s ear, just trying to keep him awake as Jack broke every fucking speed limit to get them to an ER. Ryan was just talking, sweating, not even sure what he was saying until Michael put a hand on his shoulder, cold.  
  
“Calm down man, he’s gonna be okay- right Ray? Cause there’s no fucking way this is how you go down man,” Michael said, poked at Ray who just raised a shaky thumbs up at him.  
  
Ryan chuckled nervously, carded a hand through Ray’s hair and gulped as his hand came up red with blood.  
  
“Ryan?” Ray said quietly and Ryan raised his eyebrows.  
  
“What’s up?” he was staring cagily out the windows, saw them approaching the exit that would take them to the hospital. “We’re almost there!” Jack said, and god bless Jack.  
  
“Ryan. I’m _never_ going fucking clubbing again.” Ray whispered and Ryan laughed whole-heartedly, held Ray a little tighter.  
  
They all poured out of Jack’s car like a fucking clown troupe at the hospital, running, and most of them too drunk to be running at all. They got in, and Ray was a little woozy, but coming to. It was going to be fine, really. Ryan was losing his fucking mind about it, but it was going to be fine.  
  
“I might even get a sick scar, I’ll be like. The guy from Harry Potter.” Ray slurred, and Ryan laughed, blood still pumping too fast.  
  
“That’s _just_ Harry Potter, Ray. Not ‘the guy _from_ Harry Potter.’” Michael said, chuckling and shaking his head.  
  
“Okay, fucking nerd.” Ray said, and everyone laughed at that, waking up half the waiting room with it.  
  
It was going to be fine, Ryan assured himself. Totally and completely fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaaaaaah, haha. Ha.  
> WELL, I hope you guys liked this chapter and it didn't make you totally hate me! I'm super sick, so sorry for posting late today!  
> Leave kudos if you haven't already, and as always feel free to yell at and vilify me in the comments! Love to hear from you guys. ♥
> 
> Chapter 21 should be up on Tuesday!


	21. Chapter 21

It was already really fucking late when they got to the hospital, and by the time that Ray got called to an empty bed the sun was pinkening the sky over the horizon. The guys were half asleep or half dead, and really they needed to go home and sleep it off. Ryan was buzzed on energy, talking Ray’s ear off because he knew how hard it was for him to stay awake at this point. Ray was just nodding, happy to just listen to Ryan forever, but even with how fucked up his head was he could see that the guys were dying waiting with them. He nudged at Ryan with his shoulder, silently gestured that he let them off the hook for this.  
  
“Why don’t you guys go on home?” Ryan said when he realized what Ray wanted him to do, and he helped Ray up to walk him to the empty bed.  
  
“God, Ryan why didn’t you say that like two hours ago? Bye, hope it goes well, Ray!” Geoff called, suddenly awake enough to stand up straight, waving over his shoulder as he walked to the exit. The rest of the guys chuckled and followed him out, waving tiredly if not a little apologetically- after all, they’re the ones who wanted Ray to come out with them. Everyone left the waiting room in a sleepy slump- all except Michael.  
  
“I’ll stick around. Moral support, or whatever.” Michael said, his eyes tired but bright. Ryan shrugged, but was grateful nonetheless, and they walked on.  
  
Ryan helped Ray onto the stiff bed, a curtain around them as a doctor looked over his chart. Michael chuckled as Ray made slappy-hands at Ryan to try and stop him from helping him.  
  
“I’m fine, Rye, really I can get on the bed I’m a fucking big boy,” Ray mumbled and Ryan rolled his eyes.  
  
“When you have blood all over your fucking face and scare the shit out of me, that’s when I get to help you. That’s how it works.” Ryan said, and took Ray’s hand, kissed it.  
  
Michael laughed good-humoredly, pulled out his phone, and sat on the chair in the little area. Ryan stayed standing by Ray as the- objectively fucking handsome- doctor waited rather impatiently for them to shut the fuck up.  
  
“Right. So, you knocked your head pretty bad,” the doctor said, making Ray take off his glasses so he could shine a flashlight into his eyes, “That cut’s definitely gonna need stitches, but we won’t need to admit you overnight. I’ll just stitch you up and you guys can be on your way.”  
  
Ray handed off his glasses to Ryan as the doctor started cleaning the wound, stinging but relieving at the same time, “Fuck,” Ray muttered, and Ryan squeezed his hand in sympathy.  
  
“Buck up, Ray. Ryan beat the shit out of the guy, at least,” Michael said from behind his phone.  
  
“My hero.” Ray said monotonously as the doctor started stitching him up, and fuck that did _not_ feel great.  
  
“Yeah yeah, Ryan you have a bloodstain coming from your nose, by the way- _hero,”_ Michael said and Ryan wiped at his nose in annoyance.  
  
“Why didn’t anyone tell me?” Ryan raised his shirt to wipe the blood off.  
  
“Because it made you look ten times scarier than usual and it was spooking people in the waiting room. Which was funny.” Michael said, and the doctor chuckled to himself.  
  
A nurse pulled back the curtain and they all turned to look at him, minus Ray who wasn’t about to move with a needle that close to his fucking head. “Sir, your emergency contact person has just arrived, they’re in the waiting room.”  
  
“What?” Ray said, turning now in spite of the needle, but the nurse already walked away.  
  
“Oh my god, Ray, you _fucking moron-_ you never changed your emergency contact to me!” Michael said, standing up quickly, running a hand through his curls in disbelief.  
  
“My dad’s here??” Ray said, and Ryan’s eyes went wide, he squeezed Ray’s hand.  
  
“Is he gonna be upset?” Ryan asked hesitantly and Ray scoffed.  
  
“That he came all the way here in the middle of the night to find out this was from a bar fight? I think he’ll be just peachy, actually.” Ray said, eyes scrunching shut as the doctor finished the stitches, tied them off.  
  
“Maybe you shouldn’t have been in the bar in the first place,” the doctor said as he cleaned off the wound, placed a clean bandage over it.  
  
“No offense, dude, but that’s _so_ not the issue right now,” Michael said, and Ryan aimed a look at him, to which Michael raised his arms, “I’m just sayin’”  
  
_“Maybe,_ we should be _thanking_ the doctor for helping us out,” Ryan said and Michael rolled his eyes.  
  
“Thanks dude.” Ray said to the doctor who just chuckled and nodded, and Ray aimed heart eyes at Ryan who kissed his bandage. The doctor smiled kindly at them, took his gloves off and tossed them in the trash.  
  
“We’re all done here. It shouldn’t scar too bad- you guys can go. Just stay awake for a few more hours, come back if anything else comes up. Good luck with your dad.” The doctor flashed a charming smile at them before disappearing on the other side of the curtain.  
  
“He was hot. You think he’s rich?” Michael said as they watched him leave and Ray scoffed, hopped off of the bed.  
  
“He’s a doctor. Of course he’s rich.” Ray said, and Ryan grabbed for his hand as they walked out.  
  
“So, this isn’t the best set of circumstances for me to meet your dad under…” Ryan said after a minute and Ray shut his eyes, stopped and looked at Ryan. He grabbed Ryan’s chin and turned his face so he could see the bruise blossoming on his cheek, his split lip, and bloody nose.  
  
“Fuck. I’ll explain, it’ll totally be fine and he’ll probably only kill me a little bit. God this is the craziest night of my fucking life.” Ray said, and he was kind of trembling but it was more anticipatory than anything else. His dad had only ever met one boyfriend and one or two girlfriends, and _never_ was it in any situation like this. Christ.  
  
He wasn’t scared or anything, just knew that his dad would absolutely see this as a small-beans problem, not a let-me-take-an-overnight-flight-right-now problem. In short, his dad would be annoyed that he made the flight, but nothing worse. Ray just wasn’t exactly looking forward to it. At all. Especially because he hadn’t called his dad to say so much as “Hey,” in weeks. Not exactly getting any Son of the Year awards for this.  
  
They walked into the waiting room and looked around, Ryan squeezing his hand periodically, but they didn’t spot his dad anywhere.  
  
“What the fuck, did the nurse fuck up?” Michael said, arms raised in confusion, and Ray shrugged.  
  
“Maybe it was someone else’s dad. Whatever. Thank god.” Ray said, already happy to take off and call it a day, Ryan kissed his cheek.  
  
“Ray!” they heard, and they all turned around, looking for the tall frame of Ray’s father. But it wasn’t Ray’s dad that came walking up to them. No, no definitely not his dad.  
  
“… Mom?” Ray said quietly, more to himself than anything else, and oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.  
  
“Oh my god.” Michael said, stumbling backwards, tugging Ryan by the sleeve but he didn’t budge. He stayed by Ray’s side, slightly confused but squeezed Ray’s hand reassuringly anyway.  
  
“Oh, Ray what happened?” the woman- Ray’s mom, what the fuck- said, rushing forward, putting her hands on Ray’s face. Ray was completely fucking frozen, unmoving as she moved his head to get a look at the bandage on his forehead. This isn’t real. This isn’t real this- fuck is this _real?_  
  
Ray suddenly came to, dropped Ryan’s hand and pushed him back softly, and then pushed at his mother, slapping her hands off his face and trying to put distance between them, “Stop- _stop it!_ Get away from me!” Ray yelled and his mother’s eyebrows raised in shock. People in the waiting room did a bad job of pretending not to stare.  
  
“Is that how you speak to your mother now?” she said evenly, crossing her arms.  
  
“No. That’s how I talk to fucking _strangers_ who try and touch me when I’m in a hospital. Who do you think you are?” Ray whispered, tone harsh but aware of their environment, and Ryan was lost, to say in the least.  
  
“I know that I am no stranger, I am your _mother.”_ she yelled in that tone that wasn’t _quite_ yelling that parents were so good at in public, grabbing his arm and Ray shook his head, yanked his arm away, took a few steps back. A nurse came to see what the commotion was all about.  
  
“No, my mom is gone. I don’t fucking know you. Can someone please get her the fuck out of here?” Ray said, directing his question to the nurse.  
  
“I’m sorry ma’am, but I’m gonna have to ask you to leave-,”  
  
“That is my _son.”_ she said firmly as the nurse escorted her out, slowly going. Ray turned away from the image of his mother being escorted out, glancing over her shoulder with dark eyes that he hadn’t seen for years, hadn’t wanted to see. Certainly not now.  
  
Ryan came to stand next to Ray again, took his hand, “Are you okay?”  
  
Ray was about to speak but his mother was still in sight, he dropped Ryan’s hand again and started walking, heading toward a different exit. He was walking fast, and Ryan struggled to keep pace with him, straggling behind with Michael who looked like he had seen a ghost. Ryan waited a moment before speaking up, making sure they were out of earshot from Ray.  
  
“What don’t I know?” Ryan asked Michael quietly as they traveled through the maze of hallways, Ray still ahead of them. Michael’s eyes went wide, like he only just realized that Ryan didn’t know what was going on, and if anything that only made Ryan a little more afraid to hear it.  
  
“Ray’s mom kinda- well not kinda, she _did_ up and leave Ray and his dad like. A few years ago.” Michael said, blinking hard, “It really fucked Ray up for a while, he never told me if he knew why she left. Said he would’ve done anything to make her stay.”  
  
Ryan ran a hand through his hair absentmindedly, “Fuck. _Fuck.”_ Ryan whispered and Michael nodded.  
  
“Yeah. Heavy.” Michael’s words were soft in the air, tired.  
  
“You’re fucking telling me. God, I had no idea.” Ryan said, staring at Ray’s tense shoulders. Ryan felt a hollow dislike for this woman- Ray’s mother- eating at him. He never understood the kind of person who could leave their family, never wanted to.  
  
Ryan didn’t want to think about how this opened a lot of doors to understanding the way Ray saw things- relationships and people. But his logic couldn’t help but put two and two together- Ray’s mom left him, and now Ray doesn’t think he can make anyone stay, not for long. It hurt to know that this was _done_ to him, that Ray’s mom left and made him feel like he would drive away anyone he cared about. Ryan sighed to himself, put the information in the vault of his mind- not his to share or to even dwell on, simply to use to understand more when things got tough. Ray stopped in front of them suddenly, and they were by the exit now.  
  
“We don’t have a car.” Ray said when they caught up to him.  
  
“Shit, I’ll call Jack.” Michael said, dialing Jack’s number and walking to a corner of the room.  
  
Ray was facing away from Ryan, looking out a window at the parking lot with his arms crossed. Ryan walked toward him, wrapped his arms around his waist from behind gently. He felt Ray relax slightly against him, let out a heavy breath.  
  
“What the fuck is she doing here?” Ray whispered and Ryan didn’t know what to say. Let the words hang in the air between them as Michael walked toward them again.  
  
“Jack’s outside already.” Michael said, and so they exited the hospital.  
  
In the car ride home Ray rested his head against the window and knew that even if he _was_ allowed to sleep, he wouldn’t be able to. What the fuck is she doing here? The question swirled round and round in his head, bumping off of watertight walls in his mind that were holding back the reasons that she left- the reason. Cracks were running down the walls already- yes, she’s here because Ray hadn’t been to the hospital since he was a kid, and he and his dad never changed his emergency contact, never thought about it. Never considered she would even answer the call if it came. He wouldn’t have guessed that she would.  
  
His phone rang. Dad.  
  
“Dad?”  
  
“I got a call from the hospital? What’s going on, are you okay?” his dad said, and fuck Ray really needed to call his dad more. His voice through the crackle of his phone’s speaker pushed a lump into Ray’s throat, he let the tears run down his cheek but didn’t let them shake his voice. Strong for dad.  
  
“Yeah- yeah, I’m fine,” he wiped at his face, “Just had a little accident, nothing big. Few stitches.”  
  
_“Ay mijo._ Always getting yourself in trouble- I’m guessing Michael was there,” his dad said and Ray laughed.  
  
“Michael’s always there when I get in trouble.” Ray said, and Michael peeked from around the passenger seat to flip Ray off.  
  
His dad chuckled, “Well tell him I said hi. Stay out of trouble- no more hospital trips.”  
  
“Sure thing, dad.” They were quiet for a minute, his dad took a breath like he was gonna say goodbye, but Ray interrupted, “Dad.”  
  
“Hm?”  
  
“She’s here. What the hell is she doing here?” Ray said quietly, glancing at Ryan out of the corner of his eye, his eyes closed and snoring softly beside him.  
  
“… I’m going down there right now,” his dad said.  
  
“Dad- no,”  
  
“I’ll be on the first flight out-,” he started, and Ray interrupted him.  
  
“What is she doing here?” Ray asked again, more firmly now.  
  
His dad sighed, Ray could practically see him rubbing a hand over his temples, “She’s been asking to see you. I told her no-,”  
  
“You didn’t think to tell me that?” Ray asked, disbelief running cold in his veins.  
  
“I didn’t think she’d find you. I-,” his dad sighed, “Sorry.”  
  
“It’s fine. Well it’s not fine, but I can handle it.” Ray said running a hand through his hair.  
  
“Are you sure you don’t need me to head to Austin?”  
  
Ray looked at Ryan as he spoke, “I’m sure.”  
  
“Okay. Let me know if you change your mind.”  
  
They exchanged I-love-you’s and goodbye’s, and Ray knocked his head silently against the glass, winced when he remembered his tender head, what the fuck. This was literally the craziest night of his life, and it was almost ten in the fucking morning. What the fuck.  
  
She wanted to see him. Why? If you’d asked Ray in the months after she’d gone- him having beat himself up for it so bad he almost looked like he _was_ covered in bruises that were more than metaphors- he would have done anything to see her. To tell her that he could be the son she wanted. But now? Fuck no. He was tired of hating himself because she made him feel like he wasn’t good enough, tired of wishing she hadn’t left. Ray knew now that she left because she was a shitty person, and anything Ray did was secondary to that.  
  
Ray sighed to himself and leaned on Ryan’s shoulder as they pulled into Jack’s driveway. He jostled Ryan awake and they all stumbled into the house, too tired to care where they were crashing. Michael knocked out on the couch, and Ray followed Ryan into his room sat on his desk chair with a soda in hand. A few more hours and he could sleep.  
  
Ryan took his shirt off and collapsed onto his bed, pulled his phone out and squinted at it as he scrolled through some app or another. Ray rolled his eyes, scooted the rolling chair toward the bed so he could snatch the phone away.  
  
“Hey-!” Ryan started when Ray tossed his phone into a pile of clothes across the room.  
  
“Go to sleep, dummy. I can stay awake by myself.”  
  
Ryan pouted, “I don’t want you to be lonely,” he said, but his eyes spoke exhaustion and Ray couldn’t pretend he didn’t see it just so he didn’t have to be awake alone.  
  
“I’ll be fine. You’re right here- I’ll wake you up if I start feeling suicidal,” Ray joked and Ryan frowned but closed his eyes and laid back.  
  
“That’s not very reassuring.”  
  
Ray leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek before scooting the chair away, “But you’re gonna sleep anyway.”  
  
“Yeah, I am.” Ryan said sleepily, and there was only a minute’s silence before Ryan’s quiet breathing evened out and turned to soft snores.  
  
Ray watched him sleep for a while before deciding it was too creepy to keep up, and then turned to fuck around on Ryan’s computer. He put on the movie they were watching last night, paying more attention now, and pinching himself to stay awake. He couldn’t help but let his thoughts drift to his mother- to what she would say if she saw him now, sitting in his boyfriend’s room and skipping class. Ray was no stranger to being a disappointment, but the strange swell of pride in his chest as he realized his mother would _definitely_ be disappointed in him was new.  
  
He embraced it, let it fill him. It would be his armor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAH, you have no idea bro.  
> I feel successful putting this chapter out at all today bc it's my birthday (wtf) BUT I GOT IT OUT GODBLESS!  
> I hope y'all liked this one, more to come- Chapter 22 will be out Thursday pending any dumb real-life shenanigans!
> 
> Leave kudos if you haven't already- if you have, i LOVE YOU, THANKS- and comment! Letting me know what you think, I love to hear from you guys! ♥  
> \--  
> UPDATE: unforetold real-life shenanigans came up and I won't be able to update until this weekend!


	22. Chapter 22

Ryan was startled awake by nothing, his consciousness just pulling him from sleep like a fish out of water, and was pleasantly surprised by Ray’s warm presence nuzzled into his chest. Ryan smiled and ran a hand through Ray’s hair soothingly, watched his eyelashes flutter at the touch of it. He was all soft cheeks and pink lips, eyebrows scrunched together like he was frustrated. Ryan ran a thumb between his eyebrows and watched his face go slack, finally relax.  
  
Ryan finally sat up, grabbed his phone. Fuck it was already way in the afternoon, and his stomach grumbled in response- right, normal daily functions like eating were kind of important. Ryan leaned down and kissed Ray on the forehead, then the temple, his cheek, waiting for that tell-tale grumbling that accompanied him waking up.  
  
_“Whaaat,”_ Ray whined with his eyes closed, voice muffled by sleep and comforters.  
  
“Let’s go get something to eat.” Ryan said, kissing at Ray’s jawline.  
  
“Not hungry.” Ray said, hand pushing weakly at Ryan’s chest.  
  
“You have to eat _something_ Ray-,”  
  
“No I _dooon’t,”_ Ray mumbled, hands pushing at Ryan’s chest still.  
  
Ryan sighed, relaxing onto the bed a bit more until Ray’s hands went around his neck and pulled him in to snuggle. Ryan gave him a moment to relax almost completely, and then picked Ray up, standing and carrying him out of the room, startling him awake. Ray opened his eyes and frowned at the blurry sight of the hallway ceiling- they weren’t in the fucking bed anymore.  
  
“God, why? Why can’t you be just as lazy and dysfunctional as me?” Ray said to the ceiling, arms limp around Ryan’s neck.  
  
“Well, for starters, we’d probably both wither and die-,” Ryan started but Ray interrupted.  
  
“Goals.”  
  
Ryan let out a chuckle, “And secondly, I don’t want you to die, so there.”  
  
“You’re just gonna ignore my dying wishes to die like that? Wow. Selfish much?” Ray said, playing it serious.  
  
“If taking care of you is selfish then I’m a fucking _egomaniac,”_ Ryan said, letting Ray stand now that they were in the living room. He leaned in and captured Ray’s lips in a kiss, sweet, to which Ray rolled his eyes jokingly.  
  
“I’m breaking up with you.” Ray said, sticking his tongue out, and now Ryan was the one rolling his eyes.  
  
“Oh, how will I ever survive without you?” Ryan said sarcastically, chuckling.  
  
“I mean it! Look at you taking care of me and shit, like I signed up for Mary Poppins to remind me that I apparently _have_ to eat at least one meal a day-,”  
  
“More than one is preferable,”  
  
“Did I ask, though?” Ray said and they were both laughing now, Ryan grabbed for Ray’s waist and kissed him, difficult through their twin smiles. Ray kissed back with fervor, hands going for the hair- god he loved his hair- and wow this is the gayest shit Ray has ever done. Literally the sappiest, most domestic-ass behavior he’s ever engaged in, and it was kind of super rad. He could roll with this.  
  
“Can you guys fuck somewhere else, I’m trying to sleep,” Michael said suddenly from the couch, surprising Ray and Ryan who hadn’t seen him there. They jumped away from each other like an electric shock, Ryan suddenly very aware of his shirtlessness, and Ray just very amused at the weird-ass position Michael had tangled his limbs into while sleeping on the couch. He chuckled, tossed a throw pillow at Michael’s head to get him to open his fucking eyes.  
  
“If I have to be up everybody has to be up,” Ray said, and Ryan smiled sheepishly, almost apologetically.  
  
“Fuck you, are you guys getting food?” Michael said, sitting up now and pulling down the hem of his shirt, which had been shoved up into his armpits. He did so almost casually, but he glanced conspicuously at Gavin passed the fuck out on the other couch, shirtless, and Ray definitely didn’t miss that. He smirked and Michael flipped him off before looking at Ryan hopefully about the food thing.  
  
Ray looked at Ryan who was raising his eyebrows expectantly, “Actually I think Ryan volunteered to pick up food for all of us,” Ray said, jumping over to sit on the couch beside Michael.  
  
“Good guy Ryan over here! Get pizza. With everything. As much of everything as they can fit on four pizzas. And a fifth one that’s just pineapple for me.” Michael said, smiling at Ryan with sleepy eyes.  
  
“Fuck you and your shitty trashcan pineapple pizza,” Ray said, pushing Michael over on the couch.  
  
“I’M NOT GONNA MAKE EVERYONE EAT IT THIS TIME, I JUST WANT TO ENJOY MY PIZZA FOR ONCE!” Michael yelled and tackled Ray onto the couch so they were half wrestling, half laughing their asses off. Ryan watched all this go down in quiet amusement, just happy the guys were back on speaking terms- or whatever this was.  
  
“… Right. So four pizzas with everything, and one trashcan pizza, got it.” Ryan walked back to his room when he realized he still didn’t have a shirt on and heard Michael calling after him.  
  
“RYAN, YOU TRAITOR!”  
  
There were more sounds of a scuffle and a thump as they presumably hit the ground, and then laughter mixed with groans of pain. Ryan chuckled to himself and shook his head, pulling on a tank and putting a cap on because Ray had really fucked with his hair. He slipped on his shoes and grabbed Ray’s glasses and his wallet before walking back to the living room where he found Ray sitting on Michael’s back. Yes, on his back, while Michael was doing pushups. Sure. Why not.  
  
“What are you-,” Ryan started, Ray interrupting him.  
  
“I bet Michael he couldn’t.”  
  
“Six… seven…” Michael was saying quietly, no sign of strain whatsoever with Ray’s weigh-nothing ass sitting like a sheet of paper on top of him. Right.  
  
“Right. Here,” he handed Ray his glasses while Michael impressively got past ten pushups. Well, it _would_ be impressive if Ryan didn’t know how absolutely tiny Ray was.  
  
Ray put his glasses on gratefully, smiled at the clear picture of Ryan’s face, the sharp lines of his body and okay yes Ray may or may not be obsessed with him- but how bad is that, really? There were worse things to be obsessed with- Ray could totally be doing cocaine instead of staring at his boyfriend- but he chose boyfriend! Say no to drugs, say yes to boyfriends with strong arms and blue eyes. If anything, it served as a great distraction from- Ray’s mind paused, jumping over that hurdle- stuff. Just stuff.  
  
“You look like a fucking frat boy. Why haven’t I seen you in a backwards cap before?” Ray asked daintily, raising a single eyebrow at Ryan who just gave him that fucking _look_ in response. Good. So he knows what Ray’s thinking, that’s cool.  
  
“I’ll keep that in mind.” Ryan said, and with that he was out the door just as Michael got to, “Thirty. Okay I’m done, this isn’t even a challenge.”  
  
He sat up on his knees so that Ray tumbled off of him, hitting the carpet with a low _thud,_ “Um, ow.” Ray said into the carpet.  
  
“Loser. Wanna play Gears?” Michael said, pulling Ray up onto the couch with him.  
  
“Whatever.” Ray said, and they started playing. They played in the quiet comfortable silence that they were used to, only speaking up to talk about what was happening in the game.  
  
Ray was zoned in on the game, thoughts not drifting one way or another away from what was in front of him, the way he usually did whenever he was playing a game. It was usually pretty calming to only have to focus on the game and nothing else, but it was a little difficult right now because he could feel tension rolling off of Michael in waves, and it was kind of harshing the whole calm thing that Ray was working on.  
  
The tension, though Ray didn’t know it, was because Michael was dying of worry. The last time he had talked to Ray about his mom it had ended in a huge fight that never got resolved- so they don’t talk about it anymore. But that wasn’t what was worrying Michael- well, it was part of it. The last thing Ray had told Michael about his mom was that he would have done _anything_ to make her stay, and he was so heavy handed with the idea that her leaving was his fault. Michael hadn’t asked why. Didn’t think he was going to have to every worry about it again, because she was fucking gone and that was an end-all be-all.  
  
Or not.  
  
Because she was back and touching Ray’s face and saying she was his mother and shit, and Ray was pushing away and yelling and- well, it’s not how Michael remembered it. The Ray that Michael had argued with in high school would have pulled his mom into a hug and been so grateful that she came to see if he was okay. So, yeah Michael was a little concerned and maybe it was manifesting as waves of tension that were crashing into Ray full force because they were weird siamese twins and shit. Yeah, maybe.  
  
But maybe Ray thought the tension was still kind of about their impromptu make out session from, like, two weeks ago? So he was mostly irritated by the tension and ready to poke the bear.  
  
“What.” Ray said, pausing the game.  
  
“What do you mean what? Nothing. Unpause it.” Michael said, pointedly not looking away from the screen.  
  
“I know you, asshole. Something’s going on and it’s bugging you. And it’s annoying me, so just say it.” Ray said, surprising himself with the forwardness of his tone.  
  
“What are you, fucking confrontation guy now?” Michael mocked.  
  
“Maybe! Maybe the last few weeks of stupid fucking miscommunication has shown me the light of confrontation!” Ray said, and he believed it. Not talking hadn’t been doing him a whole lot of favors lately, and if shoving at people until they told him what was up was going to do something, he’d take the risk. Especially if this was still about the kiss- Ray wanted to put any lingering thoughts Michael had to bed for good.  
  
“Yeah? Alright then. Let’s talk about your mom.” Michael said, dropping his controller. Ray’s face drained of blood, and he unpaused the game just to end the conversation.  
  
“Nevermind, and fuck you.” Ray said.  
  
“Alright, looks like the confrontation thing is going well for you.” Michael scoffed, not picking up his controller.  
  
“Why do you want to talk about _her?”_ Ray asked, trying to get around the conversation.  
  
“Dude. Last I heard, you were on team Ray’s mom. At the hospital? Not so much.” Ray said nothing and Michael sighed, calmed down a bit, “I’m just confused, man. Concerned maybe.”  
  
“Things are different now.” Ray said plainly, eyes still trained on the game.  
  
“How?”  
  
“I hate myself less.” Ray said, and he knew that his half-assed answers wouldn’t satisfy Michael, but with any luck if he gave enough of them, Michael would give up the ghost.  
  
“What does that have to do with it?” Michael asked, and when Ray didn’t say anything, touched his shoulder, “Ray.”  
  
“I- ugh. I never fucking told anybody.” Ray said, because he had forgotten that nobody knew. It was him and his dad and no one else knew the reason she left. It was a miracle the secret of it hadn’t dissolved Ray into nothingness by now.  
  
Michael stared at the side of his face, put hand on Ray’s controller and slowly pushed at it until Ray let go, let the controller fall down, “Tell me.”  
  
“No, it’s- there’s a reason I didn’t- it’s. She-,” Ray cut himself off, ran a hand over his face, sending his glasses askew. He glanced at Gavin, still totally passed out on the couch, with a little help from Michael wearing him out, Ray was sure. God, he really would rather not have to tell Michael so long after the fact. Michael was going to hate her.  
  
Michael was practically shaking with tension, anger. He could tell Ray was holding back because he wasn’t going to like the answer.  
  
“You can tell me, dude.” Michael said.  
  
“She’s still a good person-,”  
  
“If she was a good person you wouldn’t have to tell me, I would know. What happened dude?” Michael said, determined to get this out of him, to unburden him.  
  
Ray rubbed a hand over the side of his neck- a self-comforting gesture, something he picked up from his dad. He did it a lot the night that Ray mentioned his boyfriend- the first _guy_ he’d ever dated- off-handedly to his parents as he played his DS while they watched TV.  
  
It maybe wasn’t a genius idea to be so casual about it, but Ray figured if he didn’t make it a big deal, his parents wouldn’t make it a big deal. And he was kind of right, because his dad didn’t. He nodded, a hand on his neck as he glanced at Ray’s mother, smiled, and kept watching TV. His mother stormed out of the room.  
  
“I came out to her and my dad. And she left.” Ray said in summary, brushing away the memory of the muffled yelling of his parents through the thin walls of his bedroom, the sounds of things breaking, the finality of the front door slamming. His dad’s red-rimmed eyes as he knocked on Ray’s door to tell him. She was gone.  
  
“Jesus christ, are you serious?” Michael said, anger tinging the edges of his voice, and Ray nodded staring hollowly at the television. Michael put an arm around his shoulders, “Ray, I’m so fucking sorry- what a fucking bitch,”  
  
Ray nodded, swallowed past the lump in his throat.  
  
“Why… why did you want her to come back?”  
  
“She was my mom. I thought- I thought that I would just date girls and it would be fine. I would just like, opt-out of dating guys and she would come back and it would be fine, I-,” Ray started, running a hand through his hair in frustration. He had spent a year avoiding looking at guys, not wanting to spark an attraction that he refused to meet. Michael’s hand rubbed soothingly over his back.  
  
“But I’m done thinking like that. If she wants to be a cunt and have a nice little straight family behind a picket fence somewhere else, she can be my fucking guest. I don’t need her.” Ray said, and he knew he meant it. Was glad he could mean it.  
  
“Good. Because you _don’t_ need her. You’re better than that cunt.” Michael said and Ray nodded, thank god Michael was so good at this shit. Supportive. Ray would be nowhere fast without him, had only started trying to change the way he thought about his mother after reflecting on the argument they’d had over it. He had scared himself with how unhealthy he had reacted to the whole situation- but who could blame him.  
  
“Are you… gonna tell him?” Michael asked after a while and Ray shook his arm off of his shoulders, knew that Michael meant Ryan, and that pushed him back into reality.  
  
“No. No, he doesn’t- I don’t want him to feel bad. I don’t want anyone’s fucking pity man, she’s gone. It’s done.” Ray said, standing to get a water from the fridge.  
  
“Right… Except we just saw her yesterday. What if she comes back?” Michael said, and Ray took a gulp of water.  
  
“I’ll burn that bridge when I get to it, man. I don’t need that anxiety right now.” Ray said, and with that, they picked up the controllers and got back to the game.  
  
Ryan burst through the front door only moments later, “PIZZA!” he yelled, projecting his voice so that the guys throughout the house would wake up. And that they did.  
  
The guys emerged from their respectful rooms groggy, in sleep-wrinkled clothes from the day before, and starving. They mumbled their gratefulness through mouthfuls of pizza, everyone crashing on the couch together with the open pizza boxes, watching The Matrix. Ryan sat down with his pizza and before he could take a bite, Ray sat himself in his lap and kissed him, slow and dirty. The guys booed and threw pizza toppings at them, fake gagged as Ray laughed and did his worst, grinding down into Ryan’s lap and drawing noises out of him.  
  
“Thanks for getting the pizza, cute guy,” Ray said quietly and Ryan was lost in the haze of his eyes, nodded dumbly. The guys laughed, rolled their eyes, started yelling at a badass scene in the movie.  
  
Ray stayed looking into Ryan’s gorgeous eyes, decided that he was gonna be the expert in sappy-boyfriend-crap and fed Ryan pizza. He turned around and sat back on Ryan’s lap, laughed along with the guys as Keanu Reeves said an iconically cheesy line. Ryan kissed Ray’s temple.  
  
Ray was happy to have a pretty uneventful night for once. If he had it his way, most nights would be like tonight. Sleep all day, watch movies with his friends, pretend there aren’t classes to go to and homework to be done. It’s a whole lot less stressful than what he’d been doing the last few weeks- months even. Navigating people’s feelings and drama and bullshit. But it was worth it, he supposed, if it led to peaceful moments like this where they all got to have a breather, even with Ray’s head sliced open and Jeremy not understanding any of their jokes about The Matrix.  
  
Which was a travesty in and of itself, and Ray would see to it himself that Jeremy got his dosage of movie trivia and related bullshit as soon as possible- he refused to let Ryan’s best friend go down this way. He also refused to be associated with anyone who didn’t know the difference between the red pill and the blue pill.  
  
And if that was the most eventful thing that Ray did all week, he’d take it with open arms and crash into his bed at the end of it, because that’s easy. That’s an easy week.  
  
But of course, the words were ringing in his mind so loud that he couldn’t ignore them, knew it was bad luck to ignore them but did anyway. _Nothing could ever be fucking easy._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE'RE BACK! With more pizza than ever!  
> Hahaha, I hope you guys liked this one!!! Back to regular schedule now, Chapter 23 should be up Tuesday!  
> [Here's my tumblr ](http://podcastandkill.tumblr.com/)if you wanna see semi-frequent updates about when chapters will be posted!  
>   
> And as always, leave kudos if you haven't already, and let me know what you're thinking in the comments!


	23. Chapter 23

Ryan woke up in a tangle of limbs, opened his eyes and realized that almost everyone had fallen asleep on the couch. Gavin was laying across several people’s laps, his head on Michael’s lap, and Michael was leaning against Ryan, mouth slack. Ryan untangled his and Michael’s arms, briefly wondering where Ray was, still half asleep enough to not realize that Ray was in his lap, breathing softly against his neck.  
  
He shifted slightly, stirring Ray who woke and was immediately _on._  
  
Ray kissed at Ryan’s neck, and Ryan breathed in sharply as Ray sucked a mark into his neck. Ryan put a hand on the back of Ray’s neck, held him there, and Ray slipped a hand under his tank to get to the hot skin of his abdomen.  
  
Ryan hummed silently, Ray pulled away and kissed him full on the mouth, sucked Ryan’s lower lip into his mouth hungrily. He bit at Ryan’s lip as his hand flicked Ryan’s nipple, rolling it between his thumb and forefinger, and Ryan’s other hand came up to grab Ray’s wrist.  
  
He pulled away slightly, entranced by the flush spreading over Ray’s cheeks, “What are you doing?” Ryan whispered, glancing at the sleeping forms of their friends beside them- _Michael_ beside them. He could feel Ray’s hand fighting him, trailing down his chest and pulling at the waistband of his joggers.  
  
“You’re still wearing that stupid fucking hat,” Ray whispered against Ryan’s mouth, hand winning out Ryan’s and slipping fully into Ryan’s pants and cupping him hotly.  
  
“Seems- _ah-_ like you like the stupid hat,” Ryan was struggling to hold back his whines, harder when he got caught up in the talk of it as Ray stroked him teasingly.  
  
“You have no proof,” Ray said, and with that he kissed Ryan dirtily, all tongue and teeth, before sliding down Ryan’s body, falling onto his knees on the carpeted floor.  
  
Ryan glanced at the guys asleep literally inches from them, Michael’s soft snores infiltrating his brain, making him nervous as Ray pulled him out of his boxer briefs. Ray let out hot breath over the head of his cock, and it sent shivers up Ryan’s spine.  
  
“Fuck,” he whispered, trying to focus on the sight of Ray’s mouth sinking down over his cock, wet heat consuming him.  
  
Ryan ran his hands through Ray’s hair, tugging harshly whenever Ray hollowed out his cheeks. This, to Ryan, seemed like some kind of payback for when Ryan told Ray that everyone could hear his moaning for Ryan’s cock back when they were still friends with benefits. That, or Ray was really glutton for punishment. Or both.  
  
Ray moaned a little around his dick, looked up at Ryan through mischievous eyes, and Ryan decided that yes, it was both. Ryan wasn’t about to prolong this misadventure and give all the guys even more blackmail than they need, so he focused on their harsh breathing, thrusted up into Ray’s mouth.  
  
Whimpers were escaping him as he inched closer to the edge, Ray’s hands traveling up Ryan’s torso and scritching down his sides, and Ryan’s senses were on fire. Ray sucked Ryan down like nothing else, took Ryan’s length into his throat and swallowed around him.  
  
_“Shit,”_ Ryan whispered, harsh as he came down Ray’s throat.  
  
Ray tucked Ryan back into his pants, climbed back into Ryan’s lap, grinning, and kissed Ryan on the cheek as he did.  
  
“You are a fucking menace,” Ryan said into Ray’s hair, and Ray chuckled.  
  
“Uh, you’re fucking welcome,” Ray responded and he shifted in Ryan’s lap, trying to adjust his legs, and in doing so kicked Gavin right in the fucking face.  
  
“Bloody hell!” Gavin yelled out, voice groggy as a hand came up to touch the tender spot where he had been kicked. Everyone shifted at that, slowly waking up as Ray started laughing his ass off.  
  
“What the fuck, Ray?” Gavin said, sitting up and finding himself draped across so many laps, Geoff and Jeremy shoving him so he landed hard on the floor, “Jesus! Is it Rude Awakening day!?” Gavin yelled, and Ray could see a little pink spot forming on Gavin’s face from Ray having kicked him.  
  
Michael started laughing beside Ray and Ryan, and Ryan was fucking frozen. They were _that_ fucking close to waking everyone up and getting caught, and Ryan couldn’t fully get past that. He took a moment to brush it off, blush slowly subsiding, but just slow enough that Michael kind of caught the tail end of it out of the corner of his eye.  
  
“Michael, they’ve gone and beat the shit out of me Michael! This is a hate crime!” Gavin yelled but Michael was squinting shiftily between Ray and Ryan.  
  
“Hold on Gavin I’m uncovering a puzzle, I don’t have time for your tears right now,” Michael said and Gavin pouted.  
  
“But Michael!” Gavin whined and Michael ignored him in favor of grabbing Ryan by the jaw and turning him until he could get a good look at his neck.  
  
He let go just as Ray slapped his hand away, “Hands off the boyfriend.”  
  
Michael ignored him, “Nice fucking hickies Ryan, those are new,” Michael said almost conversationally as the blush returned high on Ryan’s cheeks.  
  
“Jesus christ, you guys just fucked on this couch.” Michael said, not even a question and Gavin gagged, laughing.  
  
“OH GROSS!” Geoff yelled, standing from the couch while Ryan at the same time put his face into his hands in embarrassment.  
  
“We didn’t _fuck_ on the couch,” Ray said, and Michael laughed while Geoff made his most grossed out face.  
  
“That just means you did something else! Oh my god is Ryan’s come on my couch- is _Ray’s come_ on my fucking couch!?” Geoff yelled, his face contorting even more as Michael laughed his ass off beside them.  
  
“Geoff, _you’ve_ had sex on this couch!” Ryan spoke up after a second.  
  
“IT’S MY COUCH!” Geoff yelled, arms crossed defensively, “And I didn’t fuck Ray on it while everyone was sleeping on it!”  
  
“You didn’t fuck me at all,” Ray responded, laughing.  
  
“You’re right, you pussy fuck, I fucked your boyfriend!” Geoff responded and then there was a flurry of limbs as Ray tried to stand, Ryan restraining him using almost no effort at all.  
  
“You wanna say that to my face you prick!” Ray said, but it was all a front, he was smiling and on the verge of laughter for not being able to keep up the bit.  
  
Geoff laughed, “I’m pretty sure this makes us even somehow.”  
  
“How about we let past things just. Stay in the past?” Ryan said keeping his arms loose around Ray’s waist.  
  
“Christ. Don’t fuck on my couch anymore and we have a deal.” Geoff said.  
  
“Alright that’s fair,” Ryan said just as Ray said, “I make no guarantees.”  
  
“How about you just don’t fuck on my couch when I’m asleep on it, asshole.” Geoff said, and Ray laughed.  
  
“Fuck you. And fine.” Ray said.  
  
Ryan buried his face in Ray’s neck in embarrassment as the guys chuckled and moved around to get the day kind of started. Michael helped Gavin back onto the couch and Jeremy stood in a fluster to go get changed and shower. Ryan heard Jack and Geoff fumbling dishes in the kitchen and Ray pulled out his phone from where he was sitting on his lap.  
  
Ryan didn’t really mean to snoop, he just had his chin hooked over Ray’s shoulder and happened to see Ray open a message from his dad.  
  
**Dad: Tell me if you see her again. I don’t want you to get hurt.**  
  
**Ray: i’ll be fine. but ok.**  
  
Ryan watched Ray send the message, and then averted his eyes. He was fucking concerned. He wanted Ray to just kind of tell him what the deal was himself, though, rather than Ryan pushing him to do it. But he knew Ray better, and knew that Ray wouldn’t come out and say anything specific about it unless it needed to be said. He sighed, to himself, chest moving against Ray’s back as he did.  
  
Ryan switched gears, no more of this trying to pull information out of Ray shit. Ryan was gonna take his mind off it, because clearly Ray wanted to be distracted. Clearly he wanted something to occupy his mind so that he didn’t have to think about it, because usually when things made Ray upset, he couldn’t shut up about it. Ryan was sitting on the other end of this radio silence thing, at least about this, and it was unnerving. But Ryan was willing to wait it out.  
  
“Let’s do something today.” Ryan said, sitting up and squeezing Ray’s sides and making him squirm a bit as he scrolled through twitter.  
  
“Like what?” Ray muttered, leaning against Ryan more heavily, like it was taking energy out of him just to respond to the question.  
  
Ryan rolled the question around under his tongue for a minute, before asking, “What time is it?”  
  
“Lunch time.” Ray said.  
  
“Let’s go out and get something to eat.” Ryan decided, smiling and running through lists of places to eat in his mind.  
  
“Ryan, we don’t have to do that shit anymore, we’re fucking, we’re boyfriends, it’s all legit.” Ray said, grinning nonetheless.  
  
“What, just because we’re already together means I can’t take you on a date?” Ryan asked, squeezing Ray’s middle again.  
  
“No, it means you don’t _have_ to anymore,” Ray responded.  
  
“But _babe,_ we didn’t even ever go on a real date!” Ryan said, and Ray raised his eyebrows, smile growing at the term of endearment. Oh, so this is a thing now. Right. Cool.  
  
“Oh am I ‘babe’ now?” Ray said teasingly.  
  
“Yeah I just decided.” Ryan said.  
  
“Can I call you… shnookums?” Ray said, trying to think of the most embarrassing nickname ever. Gavin and Michael’s twin groans from further down the couch proved it was a victory.  
  
“Uh… sure if you’ll let me take you to lunch?” Ryan responded.  
  
“Hm… if we get burgers then it’s a deal.” Ray said, turning to look Ryan in his blue fucking eyes why the fuck do his boyfriend’s eyes have the whole fucking ocean in them what the fuck.  
  
“Okay _babe.”_ Ryan said, grinning.  
  
“Alright _shnookums,”_ Ray replied and Ryan leaned in a kissed him chastely.  
  
Gavin and Michael gagged exaggeratedly beside them and then started making out comically, tongues in full view, moaning excessively only pulling away to yell, “Oh, _Ray!”_ “Oh, _Ryan!”_  
  
Ray flipped them off and Ryan laughed.  
  
Geoff called from the kitchen, “STOP FUCKING ON MY COUCH!”  
  
And they all laughed, even harder when they heard Jack’s quiet, “… What?” to Geoff in the kitchen.  
  
**  
  
Ray was watching Ryan look at his menu, because they were sitting next to each other on one side of a booth like asshole couples do because Ray wanted to be an asshole couple. Ryan had been looking at the menu for five minutes and Ray hadn’t even looked at it.  
  
“What are you getting?” Ryan asked, eyes on the menu.  
  
“What I always get, double cheeseburger, no tomatoes.” Ray said, simply.  
  
“You _always_ get that?” Ryan asked, turning to look at Ray a bit now.  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Why don’t you try something else?” Ryan asked, genuine curiosity coloring his voice.  
  
“I know that I like the double cheeseburger. Why would I get something that I don’t know anything about?” Ray said.  
  
“Good point.” Ryan said.  
  
The waiter came and they both got the double cheeseburger. Ray was leaning against Ryan and they were just people-watching now. It was a comfortable little rest, not having to worry about whether Michael was going to try and make out with Ray when he wasn’t looking. Or if Geoff was, _again,_ going to bring up the fact that they had sex. Ryan was glad that everyone was having a pretty good humor about it all, but he was always one step from telling Ray he could do way more pushups with him on his back than Michael could. He didn’t know if it was true, but he’d be happy to find out, have a contest, do fucking anything so that Ray would- well. Something. Clearly, Ray chose Ryan and Ryan should be pleased by that but, fuck man, Michael was always _there_ and Ryan didn’t know what he was ever thinking and it was nerve-wracking.  
  
So he kept coming up with things like pushup contests and ways to keep Geoff’s mouth shut. He just needed a few more days to feel safe with their situation- which was an odd one to say in the least. A bunch of dudes who had all kind of banged each other or wanted to fuck or were trying to maybe steal a boyfriend or something was… certainly something to be smack in the middle of. And Ryan was definitely in the middle of it.  
  
“What are you thinking?” Ray said after a minute, realizing that Ryan wasn’t people-watching so much as staring into space with a furrowed brow.  
  
“I’m thinking we have weird friends.” Ryan said, and Ray chuckled.  
  
“What tipped you off? Michael trying to fuck me? Geoff _actually_ fucking you? Jack, Jeremy, and Gavin being way too accepting of it all?” Ray laughed out, and people sitting near them had raised eyebrows and slightly turned heads as Ray said it all a little too loud.  
  
“Pretty much all of that, yeah.” Ryan said a little quieter.  
  
“Take it in stride, shnookums, take it all in stride,” Ray said and kissed Ryan’s cheek.  
  
“Sure. What are _you_ thinking?” Ryan asked in return.  
  
“Nothing. Something. When are the burgers coming?” Ray evaded the question.  
  
“Is it about the thing at the hospital?” Ryan asked, tactfully avoiding the word ‘mom’, and okay he knew he didn’t want to pry, but if Ray was going to make himself such an easy target Ryan was gonna shoot.  
  
“No. Maybe. I don’t know.” Ray sighed, and gave up pretending to look for the waiter.  
  
“Do you… want to talk about it?” Ryan said carefully.  
  
“I kinda want to explain, but not right now.” Ray said after a moment.  
  
“Okay.” Ryan said, kissed Ray’s temple. He was happy to wait as long as Ray didn’t feel like he _couldn’t_ tell Ryan about it. Which appeared to be the case.  
  
They moved on to some other conversation, maybe about school or what show they were going to watch when they got back to Ryan’s. Their food came and they ate, fucking starving after sleeping away half the day again, Ray stole Ryan’s french fries and Ryan let him. They smiled stupidly at each other over mouths filled with food, and it was sappy and cute and the whole restaurant wanted them gone probably, but they were having a good time so it didn’t matter.  
  
They were about to pay the bill when the waiter asked, “Any desserts? Or dessert to-go?”  
  
Then, of course, they were sitting down on the little bench inside by the entrance and waiting for a couple of milkshakes on Ryan.  
  
“Is this gonna be a thing?” Ray asked, leg bouncing up and down in anticipation of thick, sugary satisfaction.  
  
“What, milkshakes?” Ryan asked.  
  
“Yeah milkshakes, we’re like. Milkshake boyfriends or something.” Ray said.  
  
“We can be milkshake boyfriends. Babe.” Ryan said, raising his eyebrows and leaning on Ray a bit, and Ray scoffed and pushed him away.  
  
“I take it back, send back the milkshakes, I’m breaking up with you again,” Ray said, laughing and Ryan rolled his eyes.  
  
“You love me.” Ryan said.  
  
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.” Ray said, smile pulling at the corners of his mouth. Ryan leaned in and kissed him, sweet, and then Ray was pulling away, looking behind Ryan with wide eyes.  
  
_“Mom?”_ Ray said, and Ryan chuckled.  
  
“Ha ha, very funny.” Ryan said, but he turned around and there she was, shock evident in her features, “Oh shit.”  
  
“Is _this_ why you’re hiding from me?” she asked, stepping forward as Ray moved away from her.  
  
“Ray-,” she started.  
  
“Ryan Haywood?” the waitress interrupted, and Ray stood, took the milkshakes, grabbed Ryan by the shirt and they walked out of the restaurant. Ryan followed him out, no hesitation, no questions.  
  
But she followed them out as well.  
  
“Ray!” she called out and Ray stopped.  
  
He handed Ryan the shakes and said, “Can you just- just do me a favor, stay right here?” he asked.  
  
Ryan just nodded, “Yes, yeah okay. Are you sure?”  
  
“Just. I’ll be right back.” Ray said.  
  
Ray stalked up to his mother, glanced back at Ryan before speaking quietly, “What the hell could you possibly want?”  
  
“Ray, I just want to be your mom again.”  
  
Ray rolled his eyes, gestured around him, “I’m in college now, it’s kind of late.”  
  
“Please. I don’t- I can be your mom again, if you just let me.”  
  
“You wanna be mommy dearest again?” Ray asked, glanced back at Ryan, “You see that guy over there? That’s my boyfriend. Still interested in being ‘mom’?”  
  
She paused. “I can be in your life again. I can.”  
  
Ray looked her. Really looked at her now, he had been kind of staring above her head before, looking at anything but her face. She looked older now, lines around her eyes more prominent, color kind of different in her hair like it had been dyed. She looked almost sincere. But Ray was in college now, and he didn’t see what kind of parenting she had in mind for Ray’s life now. What could she possibly do? He knew that if he kept turning her away she would only keep popping up like this.  
  
“Fine. I don’t believe you. But fine. Prove me wrong.” Ray said eventually.  
  
She tried to hug him but he pulled away, very uncomfortable with it. They exchanged phone numbers, she said something about dinner and Ryan and setting it all up, and Ray nodded silently and walked away. He got to Ryan and they walked to the car, saying nothing and then as Ryan got back on the road he cleared his throat.  
  
“You don’t have to tell me what happened. But I’m here, if you want to talk about it.” Ryan said, and Ray sighed around the straw of his milkshake.  
  
“I think I just set up a meet the parent dinner date with my estranged mother.” Ray said.  
  
“Like. Both of us?” Ryan asked.  
  
“Yup.” Ray said and slurped at his milkshake again.  
  
“Okay… anything I need to know?” Ryan asked and Ray groaned.  
  
“Alright, so,” and Ray proceeded to tell him the whole fucking thing. Everything. Ryan, for his credit, sat silently, nodded and let Ray say everything he needed to say.  
  
Ray couldn’t imagine a better person to have by his side for whatever this shit show was going to be. Ryan was definitely going to be exactly what Ray needed to stay grounded, and god fucking bless because Ray was already floating the fuck away. He was still talking when his phone buzzed in his pocket.  
  
**Mother: How is Friday at 6?**  
  
Fuck. This is really happening. _Fuck._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't. I don't know what this is I hope it came out alright lmao  
> SO I hope you guys liked it, if you did leave kudos if you haven't already, leave a comment letting me know what you think!
> 
> Like I said in the last chapter, we're back to normal schedule so Chapter 24 should be up Thursday!


	24. Chapter 24

It was Friday.  
  
It was Friday and Ray had spent the week being totally fucking spaced out, so he figured that he would be the one who was kind of freaking out and Ryan would be the calm, sensible one and somehow they’d make it through this dinner in one piece. But right now Ray was sitting on bed waiting for Ryan to finish getting ready, and he wasn’t so convinced that Ryan was going to be calm and sensible.  
  
“What about this?” Ryan said, holding up yet another fucking dress shirt to which Ray gave another thumbs-down, barely looking up from his phone to do so.  
  
Ryan groaned, tossing the shirt on the ground with the others and crossing his arms in a pout, “Why can’t I wear a dress shirt again?”  
  
Ray didn’t respond, assuming it was rhetorical, and then put his phone down to pay attention to Ryan standing clad only in underwear being pouty when he realized Ryan wanted an answer.  
  
“Look at what I’m wearing. It’s gonna look like I brought my professor to dinner, not my boyfriend,” Ray said, scooting to the edge of the bed and wrapping his arms around Ryan’s hips, bringing him close so he could press a kiss just below his bellybutton.  
  
Ryan kept his arms crossed, pouting even as Ray kissed his way to Ryan’s hipbone, biting a kiss mark into his skin. Ryan pushed him away by his head, tender now that the bandage had been removed from Ray’s forehead. Ray fell back on the bed dramatically.  
  
“I can’t believe you’re forcing me to wear a t-shirt to meet your mother,” Ryan said, yanking a bunch of t-shirts out of the closet and tossing them on the bed.  
  
“What’s the difference?” Ray asked, blanching at the word ‘mother.’  
  
“I don’t know, I’m not exactly the expert of what not to wear to dinner with your new boyfriend’s estranged mother,” Ryan said and Ray laughed at that.  
  
“Shit I was about to call Carson Kressley and tell him he was out of a job.” Ray said and Ryan squinted at him.  
  
“There’s no reason for you to know anything about that show,” Ryan said, and Ray flipped him off without looking up.  
  
“Fuck you, I was a gay growing up with cable just like everyone else,” Ray said, and Ryan laughed and threw himself on the bed beside Ray.  
  
“Just pick a shirt, I can’t stress about this any more than I already have,” Ryan said, nuzzling into Ray’s neck.  
  
“Sure.” Ray said, and blindly grabbed a t-shirt, tossed it at Ryan’s face.  
  
“It must be so relaxing to be you,” Ryan said, slipping the shirt over his head as he spoke.  
  
Ray scoffed, “Trust me, it’s not.”  
  
Ryan paused and frowned mid-way through slipping on a pair of jeans. He pulled his pants up the rest of the way and got on the bed again, wrapping his arms around Ray’s waist. He had kind of forgotten how absolutely shitty this had to be for Ray. Ryan was running around worrying about what to wear while Ray was worrying about whether or not he was still going to have a mother at the end of all of this or not.  
  
Ryan had been at a loss for words when Ray had told him why she had left. What kind of person leaves their kid, their family like that? Ryan so often forgot that there were people staying behind closet doors because of this was the kind of thing that could happen- was _still happening_ to families everywhere. It hurt Ryan that it had happened to Ray, and he had started tearing up in the car when Ray finished telling his side of it. He had wiped at his eyes quickly- it wasn’t about him, it was about Ray, he told himself- and grabbed Ray’s hand, kissed his knuckles.  
  
“I’m sorry. I love you.”  
  
Ryan had said and Ray had nodded, eyelashes wet, and curled into his chest for a hug, and they stayed in the car for a while, waiting for the sun to drop from the sky and shatter into stars.  
  
Ryan called his mom later that night after Ray had fallen asleep, just to check in and say that he loved her for everything she had ever been for him. He wasn’t sure if he had told her before.  
  
Now, Ryan looked at the side of Ray’s face, kissed him on the cheek once, and then Ray leaned in and kissed him on the lips quickly in return before turning back to his phone.  
  
“We can back out of this any time you want.” Ryan said, arms going tighter around Ray’s waist.  
  
“I know.”  
  
“You have to tell me. You have to tell me, and we’ll be out of there in a heartbeat.” Ryan said and Ray nodded, still looking at his phone. Ryan turned Ray’s face to his with a hand on his chin, thumb rubbing over Ray’s jaw.  
  
“Do you still want to do this?” Ryan asked quietly, searching Ray’s eyes for the answer as Ray avoided his gaze.  
  
“I-,” Ray’s eyes finally met Ryan’s, “I think so.”  
  
“Okay.” Ryan said.  
  
By the time that Ryan finished getting dressed, they still had some time to kill before they took off, so they meandered into the living room where Jeremy was watching Michael play GTA. Michael glanced at them out of the corner of his eye, raised an eyebrow in acknowledgement of their presence.  
  
“You guys headed out?” Jeremy asked, staring at the screen and flinching as Michael missed his turn.  
  
“Uh yeah, in a bit,” Ryan said, checking the time _again_ as Jeremy asked.  
  
“Cool, cool- date night?” Jeremy asked, glancing at Ryan briefly.  
  
“Sort of.” Ryan responded, and Ray scoffed beside him.  
  
“Loving the enthusiasm. So what’re you doing- a movie-dinner thing, a dinner thing?” Jeremy sat back and crossed his legs as Michael finished the race, looked at Ray and Ryan candidly now.  
  
“Uh-,” Ryan started but Ray interrupted.  
  
“We’re gonna have dinner with my homophobic mother,” Ray said, and Michael dropped his controller from across the way.  
  
“What?” Michael said, turning to look at them now.  
  
“Oh. Uh… I don’t know what to say in this situation. I’m gonna get a beer, anyone want a beer?” Jeremy asked over his shoulder as he stood to go to the kitchen, presumably to stay there forever.  
  
“You’re joking, right?” Michael asked.  
  
“Dead serious.” Ray said.  
  
“What the _fuck?”_ Michael said, arms going up in a huff.  
  
“Look, the way I see it man, I do this and either she sucks or she doesn’t suck. And then I’m home free, because she’s probably gonna be really shitty, honestly.” Ray said, and Ryan’s face was twisted into something resembling acceptance.  
  
“Whose idea was this?” Michael asked.  
  
“Mommy dearest.” Ray replied sarcastically.  
  
“Well, it’s _not great._ At all. I’m against this.” Michael said, picking up his controller again.  
  
“Good thing nobody fucking asked,” Ray replied, and Michael flipped him off.  
  
“Okay! Time to go now!” Ryan said after a moment, standing up and pulling Ray up with him.  
  
Ray grunted a goodbye to Michael, who waved, and then they were in the car. Ryan sat for a moment, knew that this was a lot and Ray probably needed a little more than the length of the drive to cool down. Ryan could practically feel how fast Ray’s heartbeat was going just by looking at him and it wasn’t at all reassuring. But, Ryan was prepared to try and carry them through the dinner if he had to. He wasn’t sure how yet, but he would.  
  
Ray was staring at his phone blankly, hands totally not shaking, heart totally not trying to beat a bruise into his chest, breathing definitely under control. Except, the opposite of all of that. He hadn’t even been looking at anything in particular on his phone for the past hour, just scrolling through reddit blindly. He was freaking out, but at least it was lowkey. Even though he felt like he could maybe pass out any minute now. Because the breathing thing felt like maybe the air was coming in through a straw- and not even a special mcdonald’s straw, like a fucking coffee straw. Which was totally unfair because Ray didn’t even fucking like coffee. Why the fuck did they decide to go through with this? What was Ray thinking, he hadn’t even told his dad and what if his mother murdered him and Ryan as, like, some weird Homophobic Mother’s Club sacrifice? Then he’d be responsible for Ryan’s death, which would _suck_ because Ryan would probably have a good contribution to society after he inevitably broke up with Ray and graduated from college, and-  
  
Ryan reached for his hand.  
  
It was like all the breath rushed out of Ray in one go, his hands going still as Ryan squeezed his hand. Ray turned to look at him and Ryan wasn’t exactly concerned, more like- understanding. Ray felt himself relax a bit under Ryan’s gaze. They can leave whenever he wants.  
  
“You good?” Ryan asked, and Ray nodded, “Okay.”  
  
**  
  
They walked into the restaurant, and it wasn’t anything fancy really, they might as well have gone to a Chili’s and had the same experience, except this place had less rowdiness about it than your average Chili’s.  
  
Ray’s mother spotted them at the entrance and waved to get their attention. They see her and walk slowly toward the table she was sitting at- booth, actually. Ryan held tight to Ray’s hand and it was the only thing keeping Ray tethered to this plane of existence. Like if Ryan let go for a second, everyone would find out that Ray was a balloon because he’d float into the sky.  
  
Ray swept the thoughts away as they sat at the booth across from his mother, and he avoided her eye like the plague as he could feel her gaze on their joined hands.  
  
“We haven’t been properly introduced, you are?” Ray’s mom said, hand reaching across the table to Ryan as he got settled into the seat. He had decided to let Ray have the exit-side of the booth, just in case.  
  
“Oh, I’m Ryan. Haywood.” Ryan said, shaking her hand. Good start.  
  
“Good to meet you.” she said and turned to Ray, smiling, “How long have you two been dating?”  
  
She glanced between them each in turn, as Ryan winced, “Well, uh-,”  
  
“A week.” Ray said, and Ryan could fucking choke for how off guard it caught him. But it was true.  
  
“A… week.” she repeated, eyeing Ryan now, who was pointedly staring at his menu.  
  
“Well, I guess technically it’s like a few months, but _that_ was just sex-,”  
  
_“Ray!”_ she interrupted but Ray kept going.  
  
“And we didn’t really make it official until- what, like Saturday? Sunday? Do you remember, shnookums?” Ray looked to Ryan now.  
  
“Nope,” Ryan said, looking at the salads now- did he want a salad?  
  
“We should ask the guys, they probably know. It’s like an anniversary now so we should figure it out.” Ray said, and then looked at his mother again who was the stock image that must first pop up when you type ‘blank disbelief.’  
  
Ryan was looking at the different seafood dishes now, and was in no way going to stop Ray from this bit. Ray was in word-vomit defense mode, being crude on purpose to make his mother just as uncomfortable as he was and well, it was certainly working.  
  
Then the waiter dropped by, asking for their orders, and since Ray and his mother were in a weird glare-standoff, Ryan just spoke up.  
  
“Did everyone try the chicken from here? I think the chicken is lovely- I’ll have that actually,” Ryan said, smiling too much, to the point that even the waiter was picking up on the weird vibes.  
  
The waiter took their orders and left, and that somehow pulled Ray’s mother from her stupor, put her back in question-answer mode. Now it was like rapid-fire questioning and Ryan wasn’t sure how active he was supposed to be in this beyond just kind of holding Ray’s hand under the table. The waitress had taken his menu so he couldn’t use that to hide behind anymore.  
  
“How’s school?”  
  
“Shitty.”  
  
“What are you studying?”  
  
“Undeclared.”  
  
“How’s your father?”  
  
“Tired.”  
  
“How’s Michael?”  
  
“Gay.”  
  
His mother slammed her fist on the table, startling everyone around them, and then composed herself, a hand running through her hair briefly.  
  
“I am _trying_ here, Ray.” she said quietly but firmly.  
  
“I’m literally just answering your questions, am I not answering her questions?” Ray directed his question to Ryan who blinked at him for a second before responding.  
  
“Those were definitely answers.” Ryan said and Ray nodded.  
  
His mother looked between them in annoyance, then went through her purse for a moment, coming up with her phone now. Ray lifted an eyebrow in quiet surprise at that, another reminder of the passing of time. His mother used to have a shitty T-9 phone because the touchscreens were too complicated for her. Ray’s dad had spent weeks trying to teach her how it all worked, how much easier it really was but she refused, said she was happier with the old phone and didn’t like texting anyway.  
  
Now she easily swiped through her phone, pulled up a picture, “I remarried.” she said, and Ray felt a knot forming in his throat, Ryan squeezed his hand. She showed him the picture on her phone, it was a fucking selfie- go figure- of her, some man and a fucking kid.  
  
“That’s my husband, Charlie, and his son Kevin,” she said, smiling.  
  
“They look… white.” Ray said nonchalantly, like he had said ‘They look nice’ instead.  
  
“So does your boyfriend.” she responded, and Ray chuckled. Ryan is pretty fucking white. Ryan smiled good-humoredly, and Ray tried not to dwell on the fact that his mother had actually said the word boyfriend without bursting into flames.  
  
From there it actually… wasn’t so bad? She mostly talked to Ray about school and how things were going with that, and like how his dad was doing at home. For Ray it was really weird, but kind of rad. He was just slipping into an old role- like his mother hadn’t been gone for that long really, and he was just filling her in. It was very easy to forget why he was so hesitant in the first place, in fact it had completely left his mind. Now he was just talking to his mom and she had missed a few things but it was okay, everything was okay because she was _here_ and Ray felt like there was more air in his lungs and more appetite in his stomach. He missed her.  
  
Ryan was basically there for moral support because she… barely acknowledged his presence after the initial introduction. Which Ryan had very quickly realized, and it was making him very wary of her. She really didn’t even glance in his direction at all, and Ryan couldn’t stop noticing it. He glanced at Ray, and saw that Ray was very engaged in the conversation, which Ryan understood. Ray’s mom was a very charming woman, very easily captures your attention and holds it until she was done. It was hard to miss, unless of course you were her four years estranged son who subconsciously wanted his mother back in his life somehow, but she was kind of manipulative.  
  
Well. A lot manipulative.  
  
“How are your grades, hm?” she had this graceful smile, laughing, all charm.  
  
“Uh, they’re- I’m working on them,”  
  
“Oh, Ray always ‘working on it.’ Little Kevin says the _same thing,_ and then- he’s so cute- he smiles so big with the missing tooth when the report card comes in and they’re all As,” she laughed and Ray laughed with her, Ryan even laughing.  
  
“I actually sent my professor an email about, like, some extra credit stuff I can do- it was Ryan’s idea actually-,”  
  
“Oh _mijo,_ now _that’s_ thinking proactively!” she said, reaching across the table to ruffle Ray’s hair.  
  
They were just waiting on the waitress to bring back her card, (“Of course I’m going to pay for my son and- and, Ryan!”) and then they were out the door. Ray’s mom hugged Ray, murmured some words that Ryan didn’t get to hear and then waved goodbye.  
  
Ryan and Ray got in the car, and again, Ryan didn’t leave quite yet. He wanted to know what Ray was thinking.  
  
“Verdict?” Ryan said, keeping it neutral so that Ray wouldn’t feel pressure to answer one way or another.  
  
“It went really well. I think it’s the real deal- I think she really wants to be in my life again.” Ray said, looking at Ryan with those sad eyes, and fuck how is Ryan supposed to say anything to the contrary when Ray is looking at him so hopefully like that.  
  
“What do you think, did you like her?” Ray continued, poking at Ryan’s arm.  
  
“She’s… a very charming woman.” Ryan said carefully, starting the car and pulling out of the restaurant so he had a good reason not to meet Ray’s eye.  
  
“Yeah. She’s always been like that, the whole room used to get quiet when she spoke. I always thought that I would be like that when I grew up y’know?” Ray said wistfully and Ryan nodded.  
  
“I could never step up to the plate though, and now I don’t want to but I always wonder what my life would be like if I was like her- a risk taker.” Ray said, and Ryan frowned.  
  
“Just because you don’t take big risks doesn’t mean you’re not a risk taker. This whole dinner was a risk- and you took it. Right?” Ryan said- no way he was letting Ray invalidate himself like that.  
  
“Yeah. I guess.” Ray said quietly.  
  
“Showing up at my window, that was a risk. Confronting Michael. You’re a risk taker Ray, don’t take that away from yourself,” Ryan continued.  
  
They pulled into Ryan’s driveway, and Ryan turned to look at Ray now, serious, “I know it’s hard to see the things you want to see in yourself, but I need you to know that you are more than you know. You are strong and smart, and I am in awe of you every day.”  
  
Ray beamed at him, couldn’t help it, leaned in and kissed him softly.  
  
“You’re a fucking sap,” Ray said, still smiling and Ryan rolled his eyes.  
  
“And you’re bad at taking compliments,” Ryan opened his door, and Ray stopped him, leaned in and kissed him again.  
  
“Thank you. For all of this. I don’t know how I would do it without you.” Ray said.  
  
“You could do it, if you needed to. But you’re welcome.” Ryan said, kissed him.  
  
They went inside and joined Geoff and Jack in watching some awful movie (“It’s called Father’s Day, and I hate it,” Jack said) and Ryan decided not to bring up the bad vibe he got from Ray’s mom.  
  
It was probably nothing anyway, and there was no reason to ruin Ray’s good mood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did everyone try the chicken? I thought the chicken was lovely.  
> Lmao, hope y'all liked this one!
> 
> Chapter 25 (what the Fuck) will be up on Saturday! Leave kudos if you haven't already you lovely kudos angels, and leave a comment letting me know what you think! ♥


	25. Chapter 25

Ray was sitting in his room for the first time in a while, and fuck he had left it a mess. Ray had practically been living with Ryan ever since they got together- got _back_ together?- and Geoff finally pushed Ray out the front door yelling, “If you stay here _one more day_ I’m making you pay rent!”  
  
Ray didn’t really fault Geoff for it, he had been there well over two weeks, so he went without too much protest, walked his ass home. So now Ray was cleaning his room, blasting music as loud as he could, but even that couldn’t muffle the sounds of Michael and Gavin going at it one room over.  
  
Michael was semi-aware of this, but was not at all trying to keep quiet.  
  
“Gavin- _fuck!”_ Michael moaned as Gavin hollowed his cheeks, pushing past his gag reflex to swallow Michael down, three fingers deep in Michael’s ass at the same time.  
  
Michael’s hands were tangled in Gavin’s hair, pale skin flushed high on his cheeks and down his chest, staring at the ceiling as Gavin tore him the fuck apart. Gavin’s fingers brushed against the bundle of nerves inside him, and Michael’s hips thrusted up involuntarily at that, choking Gavin on his cock.  
  
“Fuck, _fuck!”_ Michael moaned as Gavin pulled his mouth off of Michael’s dick with an obscene _pop_ sound.  
  
“You’re gonna kill me like that,” Gavin said, kissing up Michael’s hipbone and sucking a kiss-bruise there, laving over it with his tongue.  
  
“Whose fault would that be, really?” Michael said, voice gravely. He winced as Gavin pulled his fingers out of his hole, wiped them on the bedsheets.  
  
“It’d be your fault, innit?” Gavin said, kissing Michael’s neck.  
  
“Nah, it would definitely be your fault,” Michael said, breath rushing out of him as Gavin gripped his hips to pull him down the bed until their hips met.  
  
“Yeah?” Gavin said, and fuck, he was looking at Michael with what could only be described at bedroom eyes and Michael was _gone_ for it.  
  
“Yeah.” Michael said quietly, meeting Gavin’s gaze.  
  
Gavin leaned down and kissed him biting at Michael’s bottom lip and sucking it into his mouth, Michael gave every inch of what he got, hands going to Gavin’s hair, tongue licking into Gavin’s mouth fervently, like there was a prize for it. Gavin pulled away breathless and Michael went for his neck, sucking a mark high on the tan skin there.  
  
“God, _Michael,”_ Gavin said as Michael kissed down his neck, a final kiss on his collarbone.  
  
“Would you just _fuck me_ already?” Michael let out breathily, and Gavin laughed.  
  
“Eager,” Gavin said, rolling a condom over his length.  
  
“Tease,” Michael shot back.  
  
Gavin smirked and rolled his eyes, getting his hand on his dick and lubing it up, jerking himself a bit in doing so. Michael’s thighs tightened around Gavin’s waist as Gavin leaned down, guided himself into Michael’s entrance.  
  
_“Ah,”_ Michael whimpered at the feeling of Gavin filling him. Gavin pressed in slow and steady, every inch of him straining to stop himself from thrusting into the tight heat of Michael’s hole. Michael’s hands went for Gavin’s back, trying to find purchase and clawing downward.  
  
Gavin let out a breath as he bottomed out, moaned at the feeling of it, _“Fuck-_ so _tight,”_ Gavin said, shutting his eyes like it would help him focus while Michael adjusted to his length, breathing slowly.  
  
“Move,” Michael said, eyes closed, and Gavin didn’t need to be told twice. He pulled almost all of the way out and then thrusted back in.  
  
_“Fuuuck,”_ Michael moaned out, drawing the word out as Gavin started to really move.  
  
Gavin set a brutal pace, his every thrust moving Michael inches up the bed, taking the sheets with them. Michael felt like his every breath was being punched out of him in time with Gavin’s thrusts- Gavin’s dick hitting that sweet spot again and again.  
  
_“AH-_ yeah _right there,_ fuck- more, _ah-,”_ Michael groaned, no longer aware of where they were or who might hear- his only line of thought a chorus of _Gavin, Gavin, Gavin._  
  
Michael’s hands went for Gavin’s hips, digging in hard enough to leave bruises, and started meeting Gavin’s every thrust, clenching around his length every time he brushed up against that bundle of nerves.  
  
_“Yeah?”_ Gavin moaned, and Michael felt the familiar heat coiling in his stomach as Gavin started thrusting even harder and without warning.  
  
“Yeah- _please-,”_ Michael whined, and then came with a harsh, _“Fuck!”_ escaping his lips as his back arched and come spilled over his stomach.  
  
Gavin followed soon thereafter, “Oh- _god,_ Michael!” choking out of him as he spilled into the condom. They laid there breathing heavy with loose limbs, unmoving for a bit until the real world spilled back into the room via Ray banging on the wall.  
  
“Are you guys fucking done? Or should I just leave so you can fuck on my bed?” Ray said in a sardonic tone, muffled through the wall, and Gavin chuckled, rolled off of Michael, and pulled out in one movement.  
  
Michael groaned at the loss of it, sat up and watched Gavin tie off the condom and toss it into the trash bin. Michael grabbed a t-shirt off the floor and wiped his stomach down, grimacing at the grossness of it and then smirked mischievously and tossed it at Gavin’s face.  
  
“Aw, Michael why!” Gavin yelled as he batted the shirt away from him, and Michael cackled.  
  
“Why not?” Michael replied.  
  
“Christ.” Gavin said, pulling on some clothes that were laying around.  
  
“That’s mine,” Michael said, referring to the shirt Gavin was pulling over his head.  
  
Gavin shrugged, “Same difference. It’ll worm its way back to you somehow.”  
  
Gavin was fumbling through their mess of clothes and sheets looking for his phone, and Michael was just looking at him while he got himself dressed. Really looked at him. He’d been brushing away some thoughts every now and again, the ones that popped up _right_ when you really didn’t need another emotional issue to have a crisis over. Feelings. Whatever they were- feelings for Gavin, possibly.  
  
Gavin chortled out a laugh at something on his phone, green eyes sparkling- yes they were fucking _sparkling_ like Gavin was some british cover boy that Michael had dreamed up specifically to jerk off to in the dead of night. Sparkling. What the fuck.  
  
Okay, so feelings for Gavin was less of a possibly and more of a definitely. And Michael wasn’t used to this- the new-ness of a crush. Yes, a crush. Because high school did a good job of shoving that word deep into Michael’s psyche. Michael was used to the one crush, Ray, and that was pretty dead and buried by now. Anything aside from that was pretty meaningless, but now here he was catching feelings for his brand new butt-buddy, Gavin, and this wasn’t long con material. Christ, this was like- do something _now,_ material.  
  
Which was annoying.  
  
“Alright I have to go then,” Gavin said, standing to leave the room.  
  
“Good, get the fuck out of my house,” Michael said, and Gavin laughed.  
  
“It’s an apartment, Michael!” Gavin said, and that’s when Ray opened the door, one arm covering his eyes.  
  
“I’m not looking! But seriously, is this gonna be an all day thing, cause I can only play the soft dulcet tones of T-Swift so loud before it blows out my speaker, and-,” Ray started and Michael interrupted.  
  
“We’re done, asshole. Turn off your shitty romantic pop, and listen to literally- _literally_ anyone else. Please.” Michael said, because while fucking Gavin to Taylor Swift songs was probably some white girl’s dream- Michael was definitely not that gal.  
  
Ray let his arm down and rolled his eyes at Michael, “She’s an icon.”  
  
“You’re iconically trash.”  
  
“Well you’re just normal trash that isn’t special in any way, so who’s laughing now?” Ray replied and Gavin giggled.  
  
“I won’t ever understand you two. I’m off!” Gavin ended, sidling past Ray and leaving their apartment altogether.  
  
“Fuck!” Michael yelled as he heard the front door shut, throwing himself back onto his bed dramatically.  
  
“Nah, I’m good,” Ray said, leaning against the doorjamb. Michael flipped him off without looking at him and Ray laughed, “What’s wrong with you?”  
  
“Gavin.”  
  
“What about him?” Ray said, lifting an eyebrow as his phone buzzed in his pocket. He didn’t bother to check it in favor of listening to Michael.  
  
“Everything. How could you let this happen?” Michael said, sitting up now.  
  
“Let what happen? I feel like I’m asking a lot of questions here, can you just get to the point?” Ray asked, eyeing the desk chair sitting in the corner.  
  
“I have- feelings. For that bird-looking motherfucker. The moron that just left the building.” Michael said, looking up to the ceiling to shake his fist at god, who was definitely the one who royally fucked him on this one.  
  
_“You_ have a _crush_ on _Gavin!?”_ Ray yelled and Michael shushed the fuck out of him.  
  
“Shut the fuck up! Just let the whole building know, actually, I was gonna send out a notice later today.” Michael said.  
  
Ray scoffed and went to sit in the empty chair, and his phone buzzed again, “Downgrade, if you ask me.”  
  
“Downgrade from what? _You?_ Ray, anything is an upgrade compared to you. Literally, the homeless dude who hangs out at the speedymart down the street is an upgrade from you.” Michael shot back and Ray stuck his tongue out at him.  
  
“Cornerstore Craig is a great guy and you’d be wrong not to give him a chance,” Ray said, and Michael ignored him.  
  
“What the fuck do I do?” Michael asked, serious now.  
  
Ray sighed, “You gotta tell him dude. Good or bad, it’s really the only solution.”  
  
“… Great thought. Here’s a better one- I think I’ll just keep fucking him, actually. Fuck this,” Michael said and Ray laughed.  
  
“I’m just telling you what you told _me!”_ Ray said, and his phone buzzed _again,_ what the fuck.  
  
“That’s different, a fucking blind idiot could see that you and Ryan were head over heels for each other. Gavin’s kind of a slut. Which is part of his appeal, but-,”  
  
“Tell him!” Ray interrupted, voice monotone.  
  
“Nah, I’m just gonna keep fucking him and shove the feelings way down. Just like my father taught me to do.” Michael said, grinning.  
  
Ray rolled his eyes, started to say something but lost his train of thought as his phone buzzed _again._  
  
“Dude who the fuck is texting you, I’m the only person you know.” Michael said and Ray mimicked him in a dumb voice, pulling his phone out of his back pocket. It was his mom, who he had changed from ‘Mother’ to ‘Mom’ in his phone since the dinner, so he was a little thrown off at first.  
  
**Mom: Hi Ray, are you free for lunch today?**  
  
**Mom: I heard about this great Ramen place that we could eat at**  
  
**Mom: Let me know if you’re interested!**  
  
**Mom: :)**  
  
Ray read the texts aloud to Michael who scoffed, “She’s evil, dude. I don’t care what cool ramen place she takes you to.”  
  
“She’s trying. I think it’s a good sign.” Ray said defensively.  
  
“A good sign is _not_ shitting on your whole family when your son comes out as bi in high school,” Michael said and Ray frowned.  
  
“People can change.” Ray said, staring at his mom’s messages.  
  
_“Some_ people. _Some_ people can change. Is your mom one of those people?” Michael asked and Ray just kept staring at the messages, thumb hovering over his keyboard.  
  
Michael sighed, “I’m not trying to bring you down, man. I just don’t want you to forget what happened. Stay critical and all that shit. It’s important. Okay?”  
  
Ray stared at his phone for a moment longer before snapping to, “No, yeah dude I know what you mean. I appreciate it.”  
  
“Okay. Good.”  
  
**Ray: ramen sounds good**  
  
**  
  
Ryan, laying back in his room and trying to get through a chapter of his textbook, was surprised by Ray crawling through his window and straddling him on the bed.  
  
“Hey.” Ryan breathed out.  
  
“Hi.” Ray said.  
  
Ray smacked his book out of Ryan’s grip so it went flying onto the floor. Ryan raised an eyebrow at him, glanced at the door.  
  
“You’re not supposed to be back here yet.” Ryan said quietly as Ray slid his hands up and down Ryan’s chest.  
  
“It’s a Saturday, I already tried to clean my room for, like, an entire hour. Plus,” Ray pulled at the hem of Ryan’s shirt until he gave in and let Ray pull it off, “no one has to know I’m here.”  
  
Ryan put his hands on Ray’s ass and squeezed, and Ray started undoing their pants, “That’s assuming you can stay quiet.”  
  
“Have some faith.” Ray said, pulling down Ryan’s pants and his own.  
  
Ryan hummed out a laugh as Ryan kissed down his chest, palming him over his boxer briefs until he was fully hard. Ray pulled out Ryan's cock, looked up at him through half-lidded eyes, eyelashes fanning out gorgeously, and licked over the tip of his cock.  
  
“You’re so pretty, did you know?” Ryan said, carding his hand through Ray’s dark hair as Ray sucked the head of his dick into his mouth, pushed the air out of Ryan’s lungs.  
  
Ray popped off of Ryan’s cock, “God damn right I’m pretty,” Ray said and mouthed down Ryan’s length. The music playing on Ryan’s computer from his desk slowly filtered through the room and blended with the harsh sounds of Ryan’s breathing.  
  
Ray bobbed over Ryan’s cock a few times and then popped off, pulled his t-shirt over his head and tossed it behind him carelessly, getting rid of his boxers as well.  
  
“How fucked up would it be if I told you I already prepped myself before getting here?” Ray breathed out, fumbling through Ryan’s night stand for a condom.  
  
All of the air escaped Ryan’s lungs, his hands glancing up Ray’s thighs and between his legs to press into the wet heat of Ray’s hole with his fingers. Fuck, he really did, fuck fuck fuck.  
  
“You’re too fucking much for me,” Ryan said, voice coming out rough as he rushed up to capture Ray’s mouth in a kiss, licking at the roof of his mouth teasingly and Ray sucked on his tongue. He rolled the condom down Ryan’s length and then dribbled lube over him, Ryan hissing at the coolness of it against his cock.  
  
Ray jacked him a bit, got both of their cocks in his grip and jerked them off at the same time, and _fuck._ Ray pulled away from their kiss and just pressed his forehead to Ryan’s to catch his breath, struggling to stop noises from escaping him. Ryan’s breath was coming out ragged as he imagined Ray laying in his bed and fingering himself to the thought of Ryan fucking him. Christ, Ray was so insatiable, Ryan leaned forward and kissed him again, but Ray put a hand on his chest and pushed him back on the bed.  
  
“Fuck I need you inside me, like, yesterday,” Ray said, and lined up Ryan’s cock with his entrance.  
  
Ryan chuckled behind dark eyes, “I _was_ inside you yesterday.”  
  
“Shut up,” Ray said, breathless, eyes closed, and sunk down over Ryan’s length quickly- almost too quickly. Ray bit his lip, holding back a moan that would definitely be too loud, and Ryan let out a harsh breath and put his hands on Ray’s ass, squeezing lightly.  
  
“Mm,” Ray moaned quietly, and started moving, slowly at first and then picking up the pace until he was bouncing on Ryan’s cock in earnest.  
  
Ryan was practically biting his knuckles to stop from moaning out, the gorgeous of image of Ray bouncing on his cock like he was on a mission, fuck what the _fuck._ Ray’s hands were pressed to his chest to keep his balance, fingernails finding purchase there and leaving pink crescent marks for Ryan’s skin to remember him by.  
  
“Fuck, fuck,” Ray whispered out, hip movements becoming more erratic. Ryan moved his hands from Ray’s ass to his hips, helped him to keep his thrusts steady and thrusted up hard at his every downward thrust. Ray’s mouth was open, eyes closed as he was pushed closer and closer to the edge, Ryan’s harsh thrusts getting him there every time he brushed against Ray’s sweet spot, fuck.  
  
_“Ah, ah- mm,”_ Ray whimpered out and then got a hand on his cock, jerking himself once, twice before he spilled hot and messy over his fist and onto Ryan’s abdomen.  
  
Ryan flipped them quickly, and Ray let out a helpless moan as Ryan fucked into him hard and fast, just trying to finish himself off and it was so dirty and hot that Ray could almost feel his cock twitch at the idea of what Ryan was doing. Kind of _using him,_ and fuck why was that so hot to think about?  
  
Ryan groaned quietly, thrusted hard a few more times and then collapsed gracelessly on top of Ray, came so hard he had seen white. They breathed harshly for a minute while Ryan pulled out, Ray’s hole clenching around nothing when he did.  
  
Ray rubbed the come into Ryan’s skin grossly because he could and Ryan tossed the condom in the direction of his trashcan, but probably missed. Ray brought his fingers to his mouth and licked at the come on them, an idea forming, and he was acting on it before he could think about it too much.  
  
Ryan was about to say something but stopped dead in his tracks as Ray leaned over him and licked the come off of his stomach, sucked Ryan’s soft cock into his mouth and cleaned it off, tongue swirling around it.  
  
Ryan’s heart probably fucking stopped, “Fuck- fuck,” and then Ray was sitting up and wiping at his mouth mischievously.  
  
“You’re so fucking filthy,” Ryan said, hauling Ray into his lap and kissing him dirty and messy, biting at Ray’s mouth when he felt his smile.  
  
“You love it.” Ray said, pulling away.  
  
“I’d be crazy not to,” Ryan said, leaning in and starting to kiss a mark into Ray’s neck.  
  
Ray hummed briefly at the feeling, and then his eyes went wide, “Wait,” he pushed Ryan’s head away from his neck, “I have lunch with my mom and- fuck what time is it?”  
  
“What?” Ryan said, lost in the flurry of words, and Ray was getting up and scrambling for his clothes.  
  
Ray grabbed his phone from his pants pocket, checked the time, “Yeah, I gotta go, my mom’s gonna pick me up at the apartment like. Right now.”  
  
“Oh okay.”  
  
Ray finished putting on his clothes, kissed Ryan and then was halfway out the window calling out, “Bye Rye!”  
  
Ryan got to the window and watched Ray jog to his place, “Bye babe!”  
  
Ray turned around and walked backwards just to grin and blow Ryan a kiss and Ryan chuckled at that. Ray was so fucking cute.  
  
“’Lunch with mom,’” Ryan repeated to himself, pulling sweats on and going back to studying.  
  
He briefly wondered how long she was going to stay in Austin, how often Ray would be seeing her. They were glances of thoughts, blending with his bad feeling at their dinner. He tried to push past them, but ended up doing what he had avoided doing since that dinner thing.  
  
**Ryan: What can you tell me about Ray’s mom?**  
  
**Michael: when the fuck did u get my number ?**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a day late sorry! But I hope y'all liked it!  
> I had some reminders to put some more smut in this and this was the result hahaha.  
> Next time: lunch with Ray's mom and some sort of Ryan/Michael alliance??? WHO KNOWS!
> 
> If you want more warning time when I'm going to post late you can follow me on [tumblr](http://podcastandkill.tumblr.com/).  
> And as always leave kudos if you haven't already and let me know what you think in the comments! ♥


	26. Chapter 26

Michael showed up to Jack’s place feeling a little out of place. He was standing in front of the door, hadn’t knocked yet, trying to decide whether or not this was going to go well. Michael couldn’t think of a conversation he had ever had with Ryan that lasted more than a few sentences, and usually other people were there to buffer. Now, Michael was probably gonna have to go into Ryan’s room to talk because they were gonna talk about Ray and all that serious, private stuff. And he wasn’t sure if it was gonna be the smoothest of conversations, considering the history between him and Ryan. So he kind of had a backup plan.  
  
Michael sighed, knocked, and raised his eyebrows in greeting when Ryan answered the door.  
  
“Sup,” Michael said, walking past Ryan into the house.  
  
“Thanks for coming,” Ryan said, closing the door and gesturing at Michael to follow him to his room. Michael nodded and followed Ryan into his room wearily- still all too aware of the fact that he had made out with Ray, and while Michael could probably hold his own in a fight, Ryan still had more than a few inches on him.  
  
Ryan closed the door and sat on his desk chair, leaving Michael with the exciting task of deciding how he was going to sit on his bed- where he had definitely fucked Ray before. He slipped off his shoes and sat cross-legged on Ryan’s bed facing him.  
  
Ryan started to say something and then stopped, and Michael could only stand the silence for so long so, since this seemed to be headed on a downhill trip to what-the-fuck town anyway, he opted for plan B.  
  
“I brought weed?” Michael said, tone half a question as he pulled a baggie of weed from his back pocket.  
  
Ryan raised his eyebrows, “Uh, sure yeah.”  
  
An hour later they were both sitting on the bed, had smoked a bowl or two, and now the words were flowing a little easier and had Michael feeling a little less like Ryan was secretly trying to kill him.  
  
“- yeah, so even though the come down sucks _dick,_ I’d totally do molly again,” Ryan said, laughing.  
  
“I’m totally buying from you next time. My dealer is a fucking bitch, it’s all _way overpriced,”_ Michael said, trying to pay attention to him and not let the activity outside the window distract him.  
  
“I can hook you up with my guy if you want, he-,” Ryan started but Michael talked over him, not doing so well with the window thing.  
  
“How do you get anything done with the blinds open like this all the time?” Michael said, standing to press his hands to the glass.  
  
“I like to see outside,” Ryan said, chuckling as Michael opened the window and let in the dry Texas heat.  
  
“Oh I already regret doing that, wait no- it’s warm, it’s nice. Your room is kinda cold actually. I might just chill here,” Michael said as he sat down on the carpet in front of the half-opened window. There was a breeze of warm air flowing in and Michael never quite understood how it could be this hot in November. Texas was fucking weird.  
  
“That’s.” Ryan chuckled, “That’s a choice, I guess-,”  
  
“Ray’s mom. That’s why I’m here,” Michael interrupted, opening his eyes which had closed sometime between the window and Ryan’s voice.  
  
“Yeah- she. I have a bad fucking _vibe_ y’know? Do you ever get that feeling?”  
  
“’Course, dude. It’s like- like something isn’t _right,”_  
  
“Yeah! The whole dinner, man, she had this shifty just like- look or aura or I don’t know what. She wouldn’t look at me it was… what’s the word?”  
  
“Fucking. _Bitchy.”_  
  
“Yeah. Yeah, or like. Eerie, I dunno.”  
  
“Wanna know a secret?” Michael said and Ryan grinned.  
  
“Tell me a fucking secret.”  
  
“I hated that bitch from day one. I knew. I knew! She’s too likable or something, I don’t trust it- everyone’s gotta have some fuckin’ dirt under their fingernails y’know?” Michael said in a half whisper, like they were conspiring.  
  
Ryan absently picked at his nails, “Exactly!”  
  
“I mean it came out eventually, right? She’s a fucking homophobe, and like. The worst person alive, probably,”  
  
“That’s the thing though, like Ray told me the whole, screaming fit and yelling and breaking things- but at dinner she was all, ‘Haha you’re boyfriend’s white’ or whatever.”  
  
Michael let out a bark of a laugh, “Sorry, she laughed at you for being white, that’s hilarious.”  
  
“No, well yeah but my point is like. She said maybe two words to me and then pretended I didn’t exist. And I feel like Ray didn’t notice, y’know- am I crazy?”  
  
Michael _tsked,_ “Nah dude, Ray has _major_ mommy issues, he wouldn’t have noticed if she had grabbed you by your perfect face and body slammed you into the table.”  
  
“It can’t be _that bad-,”_  
  
“It _is,_ though.” Michael said, and his gaze shifted to the ground, the moment feeling a lot more serious.  
  
“You weren’t there, I mean no one really was it was just me and Ray during all that bullshit. But man, it tore Ray to shreds- and I know it doesn’t seem like it now. But it did. They were really close, y’know?” Michael paused, biting his lip as he recalled what that time was like.  
  
“Like, Ray loved her so much. He told her everything and when she was gone no one could take her place for him. It was like there was nothing he wouldn’t give to bring her back- but for real. He really would’ve done _anything.”_  
  
Michael sat up on his knees and turned around to lean his chin on the windowsill, the warm air glancing against his skin like waves on sand, “I don’t know if I would trust _anybody_ who could have someone so wrapped around their finger and have no fucking problem with cutting it off.”  
  
Ryan watched Michael’s shoulders relax, like a weight had been lifted. He probably hadn’t told anyone this before. Ryan blinked hard, images of Ray’s mother’s dark eyes scanning over them flashing in his mind. He didn’t trust her at all.  
  
Michael turned around suddenly, “If you say anything to Ray, I’ll fucking set you on fire.”  
  
“I won’t. I’m just worried about him. If I didn’t trust her before, I definitely don’t trust her now. And he’s at lunch with her right now, alone.”  
  
“We just gotta keep him in check. Y’know? Remind him who’s really there for him when shit gets bad.” Michael said, walking forward and collapsing onto Ryan’s bed beside him.  
  
Ryan glanced at one of Ray’s shirts on his bedroom floor, “I don’t know if it’ll be enough.”  
  
“We’ll make it enough.” Michael said firmly. Ryan nodded and went back to watching cars pass outside. Lunchtime is almost over.  
  
**  
  
“So what’s going on with you this week?” Ray’s mom asked.  
  
She had been talking to him about getting some furniture and other crap for him and Michael for the apartment since they only had their beds and a couch. She brought up dining tables and mini fridges and air hockey and a _whole other fucking couch,_ and Ray was starting to hope she would never fucking leave. He was in a haze of free shit, especially when she started mentioning games and consoles and- look, he’s not saying his love can be bought, but it can certainly be bartered for.  
  
“Huh?” Ray asked, soup dripping down his chin as he looked up from his ramen.  
  
She handed him a napkin, “School? How’s Michael?”  
  
“School’s fine. Finals in a few weeks so that sucks, but the guys are gonna have a study night at Jack’s where we’re just gonna cram ‘til test time.”  
  
“That’s a great idea, you’ll get to study and not feel too bored doing all of that- just remember to stay focused.”  
  
“Yeah, yeah I know,” Ray smiled and she scrunched up her nose in response.  
  
“And Michael?” she continued, perfectly spooning noodles into her mouth, unlike Ray whose shirt was a fucking mess.  
  
“He’s okay I think. Kinda trying to work out some feelings he’s been having for someone,” Ray said.  
  
“Oh, and who is she?”  
  
Ray coughed, _“He_ is Gavin. British, big nose. Annoying, but cool.”  
  
“Oh- right, he. Right.” she responded, taking a sip of her drink.  
  
They were quiet for a minute, the busy restaurant noises keeping them in a bubble of humming silence. Ray was happy to get a second to actually try and eat the ramen right, failing spectacularly while his mother chuckled.  
  
“I’m doing my best!” Ray said, and she laughed louder.  
  
“Maybe the chopsticks aren’t for you,” she said and Ray shrugged. There was a beat of silence before she continued, “How long do you think you’re going to be here?” she said, her tone even.  
  
“What’re you talking about?” Ray muttered through a mouthful of noodles.  
  
“Well, the semester’s almost over. Is Michael staying here at UT?” she asked.  
  
“I dunno, I guess.” Ray mumbled.  
  
“What about you?” she asked.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Do you plan on staying here ‘til you graduate?” she tapped her well-manicured nails on the table, and Ray watched her wedding ring glint in the overhead light as he tried to think of an answer. He didn’t want to sound like he hadn’t thought about the future- he hadn’t- but he genuinely hadn’t considered moving schools at all.  
  
“I don’t know, probably.” he settled for saying.  
  
Her fingernails tapped on the table again while she thought, “How much is the apartment running you?”  
  
Ray chuckled, “’Too much’ according to dad.”  
  
“Well, if you transferred to A &M…” she started and Ray looked up from his bowl.  
  
“What?”  
  
“I’m just saying, if you moved to College Station, you wouldn’t have to pay for any living situation or even food-,” she said and Ray interrupted her.  
  
“What, wait what? How, is there like a scholarship or-?”  
  
“No, _mijito,_ Charlie has a house up there and you could stay there! I could come and visit you whenever you wanted, keep the fridge stocked and everything! It could save you and your father so much money and…”  
  
She kept talking but now all Ray was thinking about was how he had to fight his dad to get _this particular_ apartment with Michael instead of living at the dorms like the rest of the freshman, or making Jack and Geoff let them crash with them for cheap. It was a whole thing, and Ray felt bad but it felt like the right idea at the time. Maybe… maybe this wasn’t a bad idea.  
  
She was offering to pay for _everything_ from the sound of it, and Ray would basically have a whole house and- fuck. No, this is crazy- or is it? His dad didn’t make a whole lot of money, and this could be a way to make it up to him. He wouldn’t even have to do it right away, he could probably wait another semester or two, pick his grades up, declare a major. Fuck, was this crazy?  
  
“… and you’ll make so many new friends, I know it! What do you think?” she said, her smile wide and kind.  
  
“Uh… I’ll- I’ll think about it.” Ray said, staring at the swirls in the last dredges of his soup while his mom went on about what she could get him for the house if he transferred.  
  
She dropped him off at the apartment and said something about dinner again sometime soon, Ray barely lucid enough as he left the car to ask, “Can Ryan come?”  
  
Her momentary pause before saying, “I insist!” was hardly noticeable, and she blew him a kiss and took off in her shiny black car, a luxury Ray was rarely afforded the chance to even look at all his life, let alone ride in. It put an odd feeling in his stomach.  
  
His mind was whirling with what she had said at lunch, and he didn’t know what to do with it all. He kind of wanted to call Ryan, but not until he had his thoughts gathered. Ryan would probably say it was a good way to save his dad money- because he’s a good guy that way. He might not want to let Ray focus on how he’d be leaving him and all of his friends behind if he thought that it would be something Ray should think about. And Ray wanted to focus on that a little bit before anyone tried to sway him.  
  
His mom had made it sound like such a good idea, and he knew his dad was probably drowning in bills right now, Ray being no help at all. He had been thinking about getting a shitty campus job, or a summer job, but he knew all of his anxiety would put a stopper on that until he forced himself. But with this?  
  
Was long distance really hard? He’d never done it before, but could barely imagine being away from Ryan for a week, let alone a whole god damn school year. God, it all seemed so hard. Should it be easy? Would someone else in his situation immediately know the answer?  
  
He sighed and fell onto the couch in the living room, calling out “Michael?”  
  
But the apartment was quiet. He flipped on netflix and tried to let his mind go numb as he stared at the screen. Big decisions suck fucking dick.  
  
**  
  
Ryan woke up and realized that he and Michael had dozed off on his bed, and he shot upright, staring out the window. Still daytime, so everything was still fine probably. He pulled out his phone and pursed his lips at the lack of messages from Ray.  
  
**Ryan: Hey, how was lunch?**  
  
Ryan put his phone down when Ray didn’t respond right away, glanced out the window and saw a sleek black car drive slowly past. He raised his eyebrows, but thought nothing of it. He looked at Michael and shoved at his shoulder.  
  
“Wake up.”  
  
“Hm, yeah fivemoremin…” Michael mumbled and Ryan rolled his eyes.  
  
“Michael, get up.” Ryan said, shaking Michael a little.  
  
“What-Whaaat? Oh, it’s you. Right. Fuck,” Michael whined, sitting up and stretching, “Well, I’m gonna pretend that we didn’t nap together and I suggest you do the same.”  
  
“Nothing would please me more.” Ryan said, smiling.  
  
“Why do you make everything creepy? Just chill out, man,” Michael started picking up his phone and the weed, pausing momentarily, “Actually you know what? Keep the weed. My gift slash peace offering to you.”  
  
He put the baggie into Ryan’s hand, “Peace offering?”  
  
“Sure, just for good measure. Since you still creep me out, but we’re Switzerland now. All’s good.” Michael said, stretching again as he stood.  
  
“Uh, thank you? I guess.” Ryan said.  
  
“You’re god damn welcome.” Michael said, and left Ryan’s room- out the window this time. Ryan was beginning to wonder if he shouldn’t let people be so comfortable using his window as a door, but he honestly found it comforting that Michael felt that it was okay for him to do that. They’re cool now. Rad.  
  
**Ryan: Do you wanna hang out today? We can do it at yours instead of mine if you’re worried about pissing Geoff off.**  
  
**Ray: yo. lunch was good.**  
  
**Ray: im kinda beat tbh,, u can come over later**  
  
**Ray: i just wanna naaaaaaaaap**  
  
**Ryan: I’ll send you a text before I head over then**  
  
**Ray: cool ily ok sleep**  
  
**Ryan: Love you.**  
  
Ray hummed quietly at Ryan’s last message, flinching as Michael came in the front door.  
  
“Wassup bitch.” Michael said, squeezing onto the couch beside him.  
  
“Nothing. I’m tired.” Ray said through a yawn.  
  
“You’re always tired.” Michael said, exiting the show Ray was watching to find something else.  
  
“We can’t all be bright eyed bushy tailed fucking assholes like you.” Ray shot back.  
  
“Who’s ‘we’?” Michael asked.  
  
“Me and my anxiety disorders.” Ray said and Michael laughed, shoving him playfully.  
  
“Dumbass.”  
  
Michael put on some sitcom and watched it as Ray fell asleep leaning on his shoulder, eventually settling his head sideways on Michael’s lap. Michael settled into the couch, knew he wouldn’t move until Ray had a few good hours in. This used to happen a lot at Ray’s house when they were teenagers. It brought a specific memory to mind.  
  
He hadn’t told Ryan exactly what kickstarted him not liking Ray’s mom- he obviously hadn’t hated her the whole time. He’d known Ray forever and it’s hard to find a reason to hate the people who let you practically live with them on the weekends. But it was one of those weekends in high school, Michael on the couch with Ray slumped over him knocked out to all hell. Michael used to kind of look at him while he was sleeping, the way the light of the TV glowed over his face.  
  
He had gotten this thing in his head at the time, wanted to touch Ray’s hair. So he did, he combed his fingers through Ray’s hair soothingly while Ray’s head rested in his lap. Then Ray’s mom walked in.  
  
“… what are you doing?” she said in a hushed voice, that scary parent tone twisting her words.  
  
Michael took his hand away from Ray’s head, flushed, “Nothing, I-,”  
  
“Keep your hands off of my son.” she had said, eyes cold and boring through Michael.  
  
Michael looked down, face hot, “Yes ma’am. Sorry ma’am.” And she left.  
  
Michael hadn’t been allowed to go to Ray’s place for a while after that. Ray had been really confused when he told him so, really apologetic. But Michael knew why.  
  
She had left Ray and his dad a week or so later, and Michael was allowed back in the house again. He hadn’t known at the time that the incident he had experienced was in any way connected to her leaving, but it wouldn’t have surprised him. This whole time, Michael was grateful that she hadn’t been around long enough to show her true colors to Ray- to hurt him that way. When Ray told him, Michael felt like the worst friend ever. He should’ve warned Ray.  
  
Now, Michael carded his hands through Ray’s hair as he slept- a silent fuck you to Ray’s mother, wherever the fuck she was. He wouldn’t let her hurt him this time, not after everything. If he had to team up with Ryan to do it, then even better. They needed all the help they could get.  
  
Because Michael wasn’t letting up without putting up a fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a lot of things going on! So many things!  
> Hope you guys liked this one!
> 
> As always, leave kudos if you haven't already and leave a comment letting me know what you think!  
> Chapter 27 will be up on Thursday!!! ♥


	27. Chapter 27

Ryan headed over to Ray’s with chinese takeout, because he’s the best, and opened the unlocked front door to find Michael and Ray asleep on the couch. He closed the door with a little more force than necessary, and the combination of the loud sound the smell of food woke them both in a startled jumble of limbs.  
  
“Ryaaaan” Ray said, fixing his askew glasses and clambering up to loop his arms around Ryan’s neck, “you brought food? Fuck you, you’re winning the boyfriend Olympics,” he kissed Ryan in greeting.  
  
“Yeah, okay sleepyhead. I brought enough for everybody,” Ryan looked pointedly at Michael who raised a thumbs-up in his direction.  
  
“Rad. Already won most rad boyfriend award. Let’s all watch a shitty movie and then go back to sleep,” Ray mumbled pulling little takeout boxes from the bags and putting them on the floor in front of the sofa.  
  
“Oh dude! Great idea. Except the sleep because you just slept forever.” Michael said, calling after Ray as he ran to his room to go get blankets.  
  
“Has he really been sleeping since lunch?” Ryan asked.  
  
“That’s a hard yes.” Michael said.  
  
Ray came back with blankets and pillows from both his and Michael’s room, set them on the ground so they could all sit together instead of being crammed on the couch. Michael pulled an empty pizza box from under the couch and set it between them to use as a makeshift table.  
  
Ryan leaned against the couch with a pillow for back support, Michael doing the same, while Ray situated himself between Ryan’s legs. He made himself comfortable with a soft blanket and a carton of beef and broccoli, and Michael put on a shitty movie.  
  
“How was uh,” Michael started, glancing at Ryan, “how was lunch with your mom, Ray?”  
  
Ray stiffened against Ryan- which Ryan noticed, of course- and mumbled, “It was- it was good, yeah. We went to this ramen place and I got soup all over my shirt and- hey did you talk to Gavin?”  
  
“What?” Michael responded, mouth full of food, “No I haven’t talked to him.” Michael said, rolling his eyes.  
  
“Talked to him about what?” Ryan said, curiosity getting the better of him.  
  
Michael said, “Nothing,” at the same time as Ray got out, “That he has a _crush_ on him.”  
  
“Aw, that’s sweet,” Ryan said teasingly and Michael shoved at his shoulder.  
  
“Shut the fuck up, it’s not sweet it’s bullshit,” Michael said and Ryan laughed.  
  
Ray smiled to himself as they bantered about the crush, relieved to have gotten away from his conversation at lunch with his mom. He wasn’t quite ready to tell either of them about her offer, much less tell both of them at the same fucking time. Ray could only imagine the kind of shit storm that would be, what with their likelihood to be on opposite sides of the fence and their… history of not really liking each other. _Except._  
  
“Was it the accent? Was that what was doin’ it for you? His eyes?” Ryan joked and Michael cackled, sending bits of food flying from his mouth.  
  
“That’s it! I got lost in his fucking eyes and now I wanna hold his hand and- and go to a courthouse and sign our names and kiss him and… this joke got away from me,” Michael trailed off.  
  
“I could tell,” Ryan chuckled, raising an eyebrow.  
  
“I’ll fucking kill you,” Michael said throwing a piece of chicken at him. Ryan laughed and threw another piece of food and they were laughing and food was everywhere.  
  
_Except,_ now they seemed pretty fucking chummy? Which, okay, Ray had noticed them trying to be cool with each other before. But his was a lot of talking to each other without Ray as a kind of mediator, and usually they didn’t talk if they didn’t have to. So they’re laughing and messing around and stuff, and Ray isn’t sure if he should be grateful. When did this happen?  
  
“You guys friends now?” Ray interrupted, keeping his tone even.  
  
“Dude, where’ve you been? Me and Ryan are best friends now,” Michael said, cutting in for Ryan who was jarred by the question, “You’re number two now sorry.” Michael whispered and Ray chuckled.  
  
Michael made a face at Ryan that said, _fuckin get with it,_ and Ryan shook off the initial scare of Ray’s words, “Oh sure we bonded over pineapple pizza and waiting for you to wake up from naps.”  
  
Ray chuckled and flipped him off and Ryan was grateful that from where Ray was sitting he couldn’t see his or Michael’s face. Michael was shaking his head like Ryan was an idiot and Ryan was raising his hands up wordlessly to convey that he was not good at hiding things from Ray.  
  
“Wait, you like trashcan pizza?” Ray asked, turning around now.  
  
“Oh fuck, I blew my cover,” Ryan said and Michael chuckled quietly.  
  
“Since when? You never order it,” Ray said, frowning.  
  
“Uh, since forever. I just- I know you don’t like it and I’m not picky really, so I just get whatever you get,” Ryan said, blushing a bit now.  
  
“You fucking sap. We can get half pineapple, it’s not gonna kill me,” Ray said, leaning in and kissing him softly.  
  
“What the fuck! You _never_ let me get half pineapple!” Michael yelled, mouthful of food.  
  
“God, you’re both so fucking needy. Get your shitty pineapple pizza if that’s what you fucking want,” Ray mumbled as he pulled away from a still-blushy Ryan.  
  
“All these wasted years of pizza I don’t want- all I had to do was find out if the person you were dating liked pineapple pizza too?? Bullshit. But I’ll take it.” Michael said, grinning.  
  
They all jumped as a loud scream came from the TV, someone being murdered with some really unconvincing practical effects. They settled in to watch the movie, pointing out plot holes and dumb lines while laughing their asses off. By the time the movie ended there was food everywhere and the blankets had been tangled into a mess of knots and loose threads.  
  
“Alright, I’m gonna head to my room,” Michael said, waving over his shoulder as he stood to leave.  
  
“Gonna call Gavin?” Ray asked, a smirk on his face.  
  
“No! … Maybe. Shut up,” Michael blushed and then shut the door to his room.  
  
Ryan laughed and leaned in to kiss Ray, hand running through his hair. Ray pulled away and smiled at him with a funny look on his face.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Thanks for working on things with Michael.”  
  
“Uh, you’re welcome I guess. It was inevitable, like most things,” Ryan said, chuckling when Ray smacked his chest.  
  
“Just say ‘you’re welcome,’ and stop there,” Ray said, arms looping around Ryan’s neck. He brought them closer by his hold and pressed his forehead to Ryan’s.  
  
“You’re welcome babe. How’s that, can I say that?” Ryan asked and Ray kissed him.  
  
“You can say anything.” Ray kissed down the line of Ryan’s jaw to his neck.  
  
“Say anything, hm? Did I miss John Cusack somewhere or?” Ryan said and Ray pinched at his side and kept kissing down his neck, pulling at the collar of his shirt so he could kiss a mark onto his collarbone.  
  
“Are we-?” Ryan started but just then Michael opened the door to his room.  
  
“Do _not_ pass go, do _not_ collect two hundred dollars, go fuck in _your room,_ Ray,” Michael said, closing his door and muttering, “you exhibitionist fuck,” from the other side.  
  
“Ugh, you’re no fun!” Ray yelled. He stood and pulled Ryan up by the collar of his shirt, practically dragging him to his room.  
  
Ray pulled Ryan into the room and used him to close the door, and Ryan grunted at the slight pain. Ray was already pulling at the hem of his shirt and Ryan chuckled.  
  
“Dating you means always having a bruised back, apparently,” Ryan said and raised his arms so Ray could pull his shirt off, as they both kicked off their shoes.  
  
“That was in the fine print of the contract you signed,” Ray said, pulling off his own shirt and guiding Ryan towards the bed.  
  
“What contract?” Ryan asked as Ray sat him on the bed and pulled his pants off.  
  
“The one where I held my phone up in the rain and you kissed me and John Cusack could _never,”_ Ray said.  
  
Ryan helped Ray pull his pants off and out of the way, chuckled as Ray settled himself in Ryan’s lap, “Actually John Cusack _can_ and he _did,”_  
  
“But _I’m_ fucking you, so I win.” Ray said, grinding down on Ryan’s dick as he did, and Ryan let out a low moan.  
  
“Is someone jealous of a movie character?” Ryan asked teasingly, even as Ray leaned down to kiss a mark into his hipbone.  
  
_“Someone_ is gonna fuck you tonight,” Ray said, moving down the bed to pull Ryan’s boxer briefs off, “but if you wanna go home and jerk it to John Cusack instead, though, feel free.”  
  
Ryan made as though to get up and Ray pushed him back down with a hand in the center of his chest. Ryan chuckled and Ray rolled his eyes and slid off his boxer briefs, tossing them on the floor. He moved back up Ryan’s body until his dick was hovering over Ryan’s mouth.  
  
Ryan raised an eyebrow in question but said nothing, just moved forward and sucked the head of Ray’s cock into his mouth. Ray was holding himself up with a hand on the wall, let out a small gasp as Ryan licked down his shaft and then further down to mouth at his balls wetly.  
  
Ryan’s hands went for Ray’s thighs, gliding up and down smoothly as he took Ray into his mouth again, deeper and deeper. He looked up at Ray through pale lashes, blue eyes dark with want.  
  
_“Fuuuck,”_ Ray moaned as Ryan hollowed his cheeks, swallowed around him.  
  
“You’re so gorgeous,” Ray said quietly, his free hand tangling in Ryan’s hair, tugging back so he could see Ryan’s flushed cheeks, pink lips wrapped around his cock so pretty.  
  
“God, _fuck,”_ Ray muttered, Ryan humming around his length, the vibration of it heady and pulling gasps from Ray. Ray moved his hand to Ryan’s jaw, thumb pulling at his lower lip where is was pressed against his cock. He pulled back, letting Ryan release him.  
  
Ray moved back down the bed, pulled Ryan into a kiss, breathless. Ryan’s tongue traced the inside of his mouth as Ray sucked on it, let go to suck Ryan’s bottom lip into his mouth. Ryan’s hands were moving over him feverishly, on his ass, gliding up his back, tugging him forward by the back of his neck, reaching down and getting a hand on his slick cock. Ray’s hands stayed tangled in Ryan’s hair, tugging back harshly so he could have easier access to his mouth, the pale length of his neck.  
  
Ray kissed down the jutting tendons of Ryan’s neck as Ryan tried to catch his breath, chest heaving. Ray caught the image of Ryan’s cock leaking over his stomach, knew that it hadn’t been touched yet. He smirked as he sucked a rather dark mark into the junction between Ryan’s neck and shoulder.  
  
Ryan’s hips were thrusting up involuntarily now, and he gasped, “Please- _please fuck me_ Ray, c’mon,” hands clawing at Ray’s back.  
  
Ray smiled devilishly and pushed Ryan back down on the bed, reached beside his mattress for lube and a condom, tossing the latter on the bed. He dipped down and kissed hungrily at the inline of Ryan’s thighs, biting and sucking at them hungrily, leaving pink and red marks in his wake.  
  
“Mm, god,” Ryan moaned out, and Ray pushed at Ryan’s thighs until his legs were hanging over Ray’s shoulders.  
  
Ray pushed his glasses up into his hair, leaned in, and licked firmly over Ryan’s hole, getting it nice and wet. Ryan yelled out, _“Fuck!”_ at the unexpected feeling, hips thrusting of their own accord. Ray’s hands moved to get a grip on Ryan’s hips, steadying him and holding him down as he continued his work on Ray’s hole, licking into him eagerly, tongue dipping in again and again.  
  
Ryan was letting out helpless gasps, hands tangled in the sheets. His thighs were trembling around Ray’s head, heat pooling like liquid metal in the pit of his stomach. He was so hard it was aching, precome dripping over his stomach steadily. His face was flushed, the pink bloom of color traveling down his neck and spreading over his chest, panting heavily as Ray’s tongue fucked him thoroughly, his ass and thighs slick from it all.  
  
Ryan untangled a hand from the sheets, and he reached for his aching cock, just to relieve some pressure, jerk himself off some, but Ray’s hand caught his wrist and pinned it to the bed.  
  
Ray sat up, pulled his glasses back down onto his face and met Ryan’s eyes, “Did I say you could touch yourself?”  
  
Ryan whimpered, threw his head back on the mattress. Ray reached for the lube and lubed up his fingers. He pressed two into Ryan’s hole and Ryan hissed but bared down on them, adjusting quickly to the slight burn of their presence. Ray started moving them in and out, scissoring them, curling them just right until he found the bundle of nerves inside of Ryan.  
  
_“Ah- there!_ Fuck, please,” Ryan whined, hips moving erratically. Ray pressed in and out, waiting for Ryan’s nod before adding a third finger.  
  
Ryan winced, and let out a breath as Ray pressed in slowly. He scissored his fingers, and stretched Ryan slow, and then faster, until Ryan was fucking himself back onto Ray’s fingers with quiet gasps as his cock leaked heavily over his stomach.  
  
Ray put a hand on Ryan’s stomach to still him, and then pulled his fingers out, wiped them on Ryan’s thigh. He rolled a condom over himself and then drizzled the cool lube over his cock, hissing slightly at the temperature. Ryan had his hands on his own thighs, squeezing to stop himself from touching his dick.  
  
“Ray… please,” Ryan moaned.  
  
“Please what?” Ray let out, breathless as he stroked over himself lightly, entranced by Ryan spread out in front of him, marked up and delicious.  
  
_“Please_ fuck me, Ray please, _fuck me hard-,”_ Ryan moaned, and Ray signaled for him to get on all fours.  
  
“I _need you-_ Ray _fuck,_ please,” Ryan moaned after he got on his hands and knees, face muffled where he pressed it into the mattress.  
  
Ray leaned down and sucked a mark into the flesh of Ryan’s asscheek, biting and leaving teeth marks in pink lines on his skin. He admired his work, slapping Ryan’s ass once before lining himself up with Ryan’s hole.  
  
_“Ah!”_ Ryan moaned out as Ray pressed into him in one quick movement, bottoming out immediately.  
  
“Fuck- _so tight, so good-_ fuck,” Ray moaned, hands gripping Ryan’s hips hard enough to leave fingertip-shaped bruises.  
  
Ray let out a shaky breath, fingernail biting crescents into Ryan’s hips as he pulled out slowly. On Ryan’s nod, Ray thrusted back in harshly, and Ryan could barely keep his sounds to himself.  
  
_“Fuck, yes, yeah,”_ Ryan shoved his hips back to meet Ray’s trying to get his cock in as deep as he could. Ray was pounding into him, moaning softly with every other thrust, quiet under the constant slapping sound of skin against skin.  
  
“Perfect, _perfect, mm,”_ Ray moaned as he thrusted harder, faster, Ryan’s whimpers getting louder.  
  
Ryan’s knees were sliding around on the sheets, raw from the force of Ray’s thrusts. His senses were fried as he buried his face into the mattress, cock throbbing where it had been neglected between his legs.  
  
“Oh fuck, god _yes, please,”_ he moaned, voice high with want as Ray hit his prostate again and again, he was _so fucking close._  
  
“Can- _ah-_ can I- please?” Ryan whimpered, hand reaching for his cock.  
  
“Yeah, touch yourself, get a hand on your cock for me baby go ahead, yeah,” Ray moaned, pressing himself along Ryan’s back and losing his concentration, lost in the idea of Ryan asking for permission like that.  
  
Ryan finally got a hand on his cock and moaned gratefully, his hips confused between thrusting back to meet Ray’s thrusts and forward into his hand. He stroked over himself quickly, gasping as he pushed himself closer and closer.  
  
“Ah, I’m gonna- fuck _I’m-,”_ Ray moaned, and Ryan interrupted.  
  
“No-,”  
  
“Wh-,” Ray started to ask, and Ryan went on.  
  
“Come- I want you to come on my face, fuck,” Ryan said, hand flying over his cock, _“Fuck_ please, please come on my face _fucking please,”_  
  
“Yeah? Fuck, fuck okay _fuck,”_ Ray said, pulling out slowly. Ryan turned around and laid on his back and Ray moved up the bed until he was jerking himself over Ryan’s face.  
  
“God, I’m _so close,_ oh _oh, fuck!”_ Ray said and as Ryan opened his pink mouth for him Ray came, come dripping over Ryan’s face prettily. It clung to his eyelashes, dripping over his mouth and cheekbones, catching in his stubble.  
  
Ryan’s hand was fast on his cock, jerking himself hard and slick, and the second Ray’s come spilled onto his face hot and sticky, Ryan came. “Fucking, _christ, ah-,”_ Ryan moaned, spilling over his stomach filthily.  
  
They pulled away from each other, panting as they laid side by side on the small mattress. Ray grabbed a stray sheet and used it to clean up Ryan’s stomach, and then watched as Ryan trailed his fingers through the come on his face and licked it off his fingers obscenely.  
  
Ray sat himself on Ryan’s hips and used the sheet to wipe the remainder of the substance off of Ryan’s face tenderly.  
  
“You’re fucking unbelievable,” Ray said once Ryan’s face was clean.  
  
“Funny. I was about to say the same about you.” Ryan smiled and Ray leaned in and kissed him, soft and slow, melting into him like popsicles in the sun, until they were one syrupy sticky mess.  
  
Ray tossed the sheet off of the bed, settled his head on Ryan’s chest, and just like that they were asleep. They were wrapped in the single sheet left on Ray’s bed, clothes and worries out of sight, breathing softly against each other exhausted, but sated, and happy.  
  
**  
  
Ray woke up to the sound of his ringtone, and he scrambled for his phone in the mess of sheets and clothes until he got a grip on it. He answered without looking to see who it was, eyes closed, and head still pressed to Ryan’s chest.  
  
“What.” Ray mumbled into the receiver.  
  
“Hey honey.” It was his mom. Fuck. He opened his eyes and stood, careful not to wake Ryan, and looked around for pants. It felt weird talking to his mom without pants on.  
  
“I was about to pick up some breakfast- so many interesting restaurants here- and I remembered that I saw Michael the other day!” she continued, and Ray pulled on a pair of what were definitely Ryan’s sweatpants.  
  
“What? Where?” he said quietly, just wanting to put an end to the conversation, as he walked into the living room, closing his bedroom door with a quiet click. He was fucking tired, especially since it was- he checked the time on his phone- fuck it’s 8am.  
  
“I was driving through the neighborhood after I dropped you off and he was at this cute house, I saw him through the window,” she said.  
  
“Oh…” Ray was hesitant, not sure why his mom was telling him this, “yeah that’s uh- that’s Jack’s place. Michael hangs out there a lot.”  
  
“I thought it might be another house since he was with that boy you were dating-,” she said and Ray interrupted.  
  
_“Am_ dating. Ryan. His name’s Ryan.” Ray said, laughing to himself and shaking his head, “Yeah, Ryan lives there too. A lot of guys do,” he added for good measure.  
  
“Oh you’re still with him?” she asked.  
  
“Yeah, mom.” Ray said, going to sit on the couch.  
  
“That’s strange.” she said and Ray rolled his eyes, talk about steps backwards.  
  
“What’s so strange about it?” he responded, tone a bit colder.  
  
“No- not that, it’s just. Well Michael and that boy-,”  
  
“Ryan.” Ray said, his pulse picking up.  
  
“Him, yes- they were in a bedroom laying awfully close together. I thought maybe Michael and him were-,” Ray interrupted her at that.  
  
“What? No, they. They don’t really hang out or talk really. They’re barely getting to know each other now.” Ray said, sneaking a look at Michael’s bedroom door.  
  
“They seemed pretty talkative to me, anyway,” his mom said, rambling on and Ray was confused.  
  
Ryan and Michael didn’t hang out much, sure, but definitely not alone, and definitely not on a bed. And now they’re acting all buddy-buddy in a way they weren’t before? Okay… so what the hell is going on then?  
  
He stared at the wall in silence as his mom continued talking, no need for him to say anything anyway. He came to as she started to end the conversation.  
  
“Anyway I’m in a drive thru and I’m getting my food next I’ll see you for dinner soon Ray!” she hung up and there was the low beeping sound that came with the end of a call, and Ray just put down his phone.  
  
He was trying to brush it off, he really was. But it was bothering him, and what reason did his mother have to lie? Ray stayed on the couch, trying to empty his mind while also trying to come up for any reason for Michael and Ryan to be on a bed together, alone. He eventually fell asleep again with no satisfying answer, a wrinkle forming between his brows in frustration.  
  
Just when things were starting to feel normal again, Ray was starting to feel like ‘normal’ was a shitty and arbitrary reality where people pretended things were fine when they weren’t.  
  
This didn’t feel fine. So he supposed that he would pretend that it was. For now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been trying to post this for like half an hour but it wasn't working hahahaha, anyway hope you guys like this one!
> 
> As always leave kudos if you haven't already and let me know what you think in the comments!  
> Chapter 28 should be up on Saturday!♥


	28. Chapter 28

Ray woke to the press of soft, dry lips- a kiss on his forehead. He smiled and opened his eyes, threw his arms around Ryan's neck and pulled him in for a kiss, inhaling Ryan's minty breath.  
  
“Do I smell breakfast?” Ray asked when he pulled away.  
  
Ryan chuckled, blue eyes sparkling, _“Maybe.”_ He winked and went to the kitchen, Ray following sleepily after. There was a twinge of something lurking in the back of his mind, but right now he was focused on Ryan and breakfast, in no particular order.  
  
“I thought I'd make enough for everyone- is Michael even here?” Ryan said, but as Michael's name left his lips Ray was rushed with the memory of the phone call this morning. That was not a dream.  
  
“Uh. I don't know.” Ray said absently, looking anywhere but Ryan as he placed a plate in front of him. It looked delicious, but suddenly Ray wasn't so hungry.  
  
“Well I guess we'll find out,” Ryan said, moving to lean on the counter beside Ray with his own plate of food.  
  
Ray picked at his food, cutting up the eggs and bacon and pushing them around the plate. His stomach was tied in helpless knots so he couldn't even pretend to force down a few bites to seem more convincing. Ryan eyed him curiously, getting the odd feeling that something was up. Ray was angled away from him, staring resolutely at his food and not taking a single bite.  
  
“You okay?” Ryan asked, taking Ray's plate and his to clean in the kitchen sink.  
  
“Yeah- no, yeah I'm fine.” Ray glanced in the direction of Michael's room.  
  
“I didn't hear you leave the bed last night,” Ryan continued, his back to Ray as he rinsed the dishes, “where'd you go?”  
  
“Uh my mom called me really early,” Ray focused on the sound of running water, “I didn't- I didn't want to wake you up.”  
  
Ryan's shoulders tensed at the mention of Ray's mother, “Oh? What was that about?”  
  
Ray's mind froze, and he stuttered trying to think of something to say besides, _she told me she saw you with Michael, wanna tell me what the fuck is going on?_  
  
“Uh- the, um- the dinner,” Ray muttered eventually, thanking every god and the devil for giving him an out, “she wants to have dinner with us, tomorrow I think.”  
  
“Took you a second there,” Ryan chuckled, drying his hands and coming up behind Ray to wrap his arms around his waist.  
  
He kissed Ray on the cheek and then put a hand to his forehead, “You don't feel warm,”  
  
Ray pulled away, swatting at Ryan's hands, “I already told you I'm fine.”  
  
Ryan put his hands up in surrender, “Okay, I believe you. Did you wanna wait for Michael before we take off to Jack's or-?”  
  
“Good morning bitches,” Michael yawned, dragging his feet as he came out of his room.  
  
“More like afternoon,” Ryan chuckled, glancing at Ray, “There's some food if you wanna grab some before we take off.”  
  
“Aw dude, you’re the best,” Michael said, making a beeline for the kitchen.  
  
“Where are we going?” Ray asked, totally lost. What fucking day is it?  
  
“The study session thing? We’re all gonna get together and study for different shit, being no help to anyone because none of us are taking the same classes.” Michael said through a mouthful of eggs.  
  
“Right. Fuck, I’m losing track of days here,” Ray said, and he wasn’t joking. Finals were in a week and this was really the first time he’d even remembered them. “I’m gonna take a shower. Clear my mind,” Ray said, leaving the room abruptly.  
  
Ryan watched him leave, concern coloring his features. Something was definitely off with Ray, and Ryan had an inkling that it had to do with the phone call from his mother. He just didn’t know what she said that put Ray in this mood- unless it wasn’t his mom, it was actually something Ryan did.  
  
But Ryan couldn’t fucking think of anything he did wrong between them fucking last night and Ray being upset this morning, save anything he might have said in his sleep but that’s pretty far-fetched.  
  
Ryan waited for the sound of the shower and then turned to Michael, who had already annihilated the last of the eggs, looking at him blankly.  
  
“What?” Michael said, lifting his shirt to wipe at his mouth.  
  
“Something’s up with Ray.” Ryan said, sighing and running a hand through his hair.  
  
“Something’s always up with Ray,” Michael responded.  
  
“His mom called this morning.”  
  
Michael’s face turned serious at that, “What did she want?”  
  
Ryan shook his head and went to sit on the couch, “To talk dinner plans, apparently.”  
  
Michael shrugged and sat on the kitchen counter, legs swinging, “Okay, so what?”  
  
“I don’t think that’s all she said.” Ryan said, sure of it now.  
  
“Ray might just be in one of his moods, he gets kind of pissy sometimes for no reason. You’re probably just overthinking it, dude.” Michael said after a moment.  
  
“No. I know something’s going on.” Ryan said, and as he spoke Ray walked back into the room, wearing clean clothes, damp hair dripping onto his t-shirt.  
  
“What’s going on?” Ray said, glancing between Ryan and Michael in turn.  
  
“Uh,” Ryan stuttered out, and Michael spoke over him, “Nothing, we’re talking about Stranger Things.” Michael shot a glare in Ryan’s direction and Ryan just nodded, an unconvincing smile on his face.  
  
Ray blinked quickly, eyes shifting to look at the floor, and put his hands in his pockets, “Right. Are we leaving or what?”  
  
They all finished getting dressed and headed out, Ryan’s hand slipping into Ray’s once they were out the door.  
  
Ray felt Ryan’s eyes on the side of his face, the reassuring squeeze of his hand. He knew that Ryan could tell that something was wrong and was trying to compensate for it, but it wasn’t helping. Ray was just glaring at Michael, keeping his gaze away from Ryan’s face. After all the bullshit they went through, was this really how it was gonna go down?  
  
Cheating.  
  
Ray could barely even think the word, let alone say anything about it. He knew this was probably just him and his mountain of insecurities jumping the gun, that it was probably nothing and his mom had been mistaken. The message wasn’t quite making it through the fog of jealousy and betrayal hovering around the inside of his skull, though. And inside of the fog, his brain was just repeating that this was fate and that his friends were all meant to turn on him so that he’d have a reason to leave UT. Because that’s what was happening, wasn’t it? His world was about to implode and he would have no choice but to run from it, no hesitation, no turning back?  
  
Ray sighed, felt the numbness start to shower over him, and tried to shake it off. Now wasn’t the time for this kind of shit, not right before finals, not just when things just started to feel real and whole with Ryan.  
  
Michael tried the knob on the door and groaned when it wasn’t already unlocked. He banged on the door, “OPEN UP, DICKS! IT’S YA STUDY BOYS!”  
  
They heard all the guys yelling for someone to open the door, and Ryan pulled Ray to face him as the waited.  
  
“I know you don’t feel like talking about whatever it is that’s bothering your right now, but I’m here if you feel like you need to. Okay?” Ryan said softly, ducking to try and catch Ray’s eye.  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“I love you.” Ryan said, and then the door opened, Jack letting them in and away of the chill of the November air.  
  
“Right. Studying. Homework. We’re doing that today,” Geoff mumbled, coming out of his room all wrinkled clothes and messy hair.  
  
“Were you still sleeping, Geoff?” Michael chuckled, patting Geoff’s hair down.  
  
Geoff smacked his hand away and fixed his hair himself, fingers running through it quickly, “I was reading. In bed. I might’ve dozed off, whatever,” he mumbled.  
  
Jeremy helped Jack move the coffee table out of the way, and with a few pillows, snacks, stacks of books, and scattered notes, they were in business.  
  
Ray was leaning against the couch between Ryan and Jack, working on a review for College Algebra that was worth extra credit on the final if he finished all the problems. Ryan was flipping through his programming book, making a list of important lines of code, and everyone else was flipping through the pages of their textbooks, highlighters at the ready. Day turned into night, and studying fucking sucked dick.  
  
Ray had been staring at this one fucking problem for so long, too distracted to get a grip on what the next step was. He thought he would be okay because Michael had sat across from Ryan and not next to him, but they had gotten into a game of trying to throw m &m’s into each other mouths, and Ray couldn’t fucking focus. All he could think was that he and Ryan used to fucking do that and it was eating at him.  
  
_“Oh!_ Just missed. I think the red ones are more aerodynamic, toss one of those,” Ryan said, laughing as another m &m flew past his head.  
  
“They’re made in a fucking factory Ryan, they’re all the same,” Michael said, tossing a blue one.  
  
“You’re wasting m&m’s dude, fucking- gimme one,” Jeremy grabbing for the bag and leaving Michael emptyhanded.  
  
“Oh Lil J, don’t-,” Ryan started, like he knew what was about to happen, but it was too late. Jeremy was pouring the m&m’s from the huge bag into his mouth, until they were practically spilling out.  
  
Michael lost his shit laughing while Jack sighed at the mess of m&m’s spilling from Jeremy’s mouth as he tried to talk.  
  
“What’re you _doin’_ man?” Michael laughed, and Jeremy tried to speak again, m &m’s spraying out everywhere.  
  
Michael picked up an m&m that fell out of Jeremy’s mouth and tossed it at Ryan who ducked out of the way.  
  
“No! I’m not catching Jeremy’s spit covered m&m’s!” Ryan yelled, and Michael picked up more from the ground, creeping forward slowly.  
  
“But Ryan! Ryebread! These are the only ones left to use!” Michael got out through laughter, crawling over people’s notes and textbooks, leaving them wrinkled in his wake. Ray’s grip on his notes got tighter at ‘Ryebread,’ the edges of the pages twisting in his fists.  
  
Every inch that Michael got closer to Ryan, Ray rose in temperature. He swore to himself he wasn't going to say anything, but Michael was looking at Ryan with doe eyes and Ryan was eating it up, crinkle eyed laughter at all. What kind of fucking game was this to them?  
  
“Get the fuck away from me with those,” Ryan said, scrambling backward until he was flush with the couch, shoulder pressed to Ray’s. Michael was laughing, holding up the handful of gross m&m’s, the colors coming off on his hand.  
  
“I thought you wanted to play!” Michael giggled, and then he lunged for Ryan, wet m&m’s flying everywhere as Michael tried to toss them into Ryan’s mouth.  
  
Everyone laughed as Ryan held him back, unstoppable force versus immovable object, and Ray had pretty much had enough after seeing Ryan’s grip on Michael’s wrists. He couldn’t fucking stand this, it felt like they were throwing it in his fucking face.  
  
He slammed his notes closed and pushed Michael with a harsh hand on his chest, Michael falling backwards onto the floor, with a grunt.  
  
“Are you guys fucking done yet, or did you want us all to leave the room so you could fuck already?” Ray said severely, standing now though he didn’t remember getting up.  
  
The room went quiet for a second, everyone shocked and staring at Ray in disbelief.  
  
Michael spoke up from where he landed, pain contorting his features, “What the _fuck,_ Ray?”  
  
“Ray, we were just fucking around, it’s no-,” Ryan started, standing up and putting a hand on Ray’s shoulder, but Ray smacked his hand away.  
  
“Don’t fucking touch me.” Ray said, and Ryan pulled back like he had touched a live wire.  
  
“Dude, no offense, but everyone could see that they were just joking around. There was no need to freak out like that,” Geoff said, glancing at Michael who was being helped up by Jack.  
  
“That was messed up, dude,” Jack said, and Michael winced as Jack lifted his shirt to get a look at his back. Michael had landed on a book weirdly and it had scraped his back a bit, barely breaking skin.  
  
_“This_ is messed up? Right. Whatever, fuck you guys,” Ray said, walking away from the whole situation, seething. Ryan followed him to the hall and pulled him to his room, closing the door behind them.  
  
“I’m the one that’s messed up? After all the bullshit- after,” Ray was just talking, and Ryan leaned against the door silently.  
  
“This is so fucking stupid, I knew it was too good to be true,” Ray said, slamming his fist on Ryan’s desk.  
  
“Ray. What’s going on?” Ryan said patiently, concerned.  
  
Ray rushed toward him, grabbed his t-shirt and pulled at him, “Why don’t you fucking tell me what’s going on _Ryebread?”_  
  
Ryan looked at him in confusion, and Ray just let him go and turned around, tired of looking at him when it didn’t feel like it was him anymore.  
  
“Did you just get tired of me? Or did I do something wrong?” Ray whispered, voice shaky but he wasn’t going to fucking cry this time.  
  
“Ray, I don’t know what you’re talking about, I-,”  
  
“Maybe mom’s right. I should just transfer to A &M. Leave all this bullshit behind,” Ray muttered, shutting his eyes and running a hand through his hair.  
  
“Wait- _what?”_ Ryan was louder now, and Ray could feel a headache coming on, “What’s this about transferring, why the fuck would you _transfer!?”_  
  
“Why the fuck would you _fuck Michael!?”_ Ray yelled, and the guys could hear them at this volume now, even if they weren’t all standing in the hallway staring at each other cagily.  
  
Michael shook his head when the guys look at him in question, mouthing the word, “Bullshit.” and everyone’s shoulders relaxed. Geoff was pacing up and down the hall like mad, and then the front door opened, grabbing everyone’s attention.  
  
Gavin came bounding through the door and everyone signaled at him to shut the fuck up and join them in the hall before he said anything, and for once Gavin did as he was told.  
  
“What the hell’s goin’ on then?” Gavin whispered as he came to stand between Michael and Jeremy, and Michael put a hand over his mouth, signaling at him to just shut the fuck up and listen.  
  
“What!?” Ryan yelled, shaking his head in bewilderment, “How could you even _think_ that!?”  
  
“Well you had no problem having sex with Geoff when we had that fight-!”  
  
“We weren’t even _together_ then, and you’re the one who started the fight by making out with Michael in the first place, why would I fuck him!?” Ryan yelled, trying to get Ray to look at him without touching him- he didn’t want to set him off.  
  
Ray didn’t say anything, just stared at Ryan’s bed and refused to meet his gaze.  
  
“Your mom is the one telling you to transfer?” Ryan asked, calmly now.  
  
“She’s right, I should transfer-,”  
  
“Ray, she’s manipulating you to get what she wants!” Ryan yelled in frustration.  
  
“Don’t fucking talk about her like that, you don’t know what you’re talking about. My mom seems like the only god damn person who has my back anymore- who the fuck else am I supposed to trust?” Ray said, still staring at the bed, that _fucking_ bed, _“You?”_  
  
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Ryan asked, voice coming out harsher than he meant it to.  
  
Ray turned around to face him, finally, “Why were you and Michael on your fucking bed, together, alone?”  
  
“Wh- what?” Ryan replied, confused as to how Ray could possibly know that.  
  
“That’s right, my mom told me all about how she saw you two in _this_ fucking house on _that_ fucking bed, laying down together- funny enough, I don’t think she would lie about that!” Ray yelled, gesturing to the bed and Ryan didn’t know what to say.  
  
“Ray, we were just- it was, we were just talking! We got high, we fell asleep, it was-,” Ryan started and Ray spoke over him.  
  
“I’m just supposed to believe that? And now you guys are all over each other? That’s a weak fucking excuse,” Ray said.  
  
“Ray, don’t be stupid! So we get along better now, so what? Isn’t that what you wanted?” Ryan said, trying to reason with him.  
  
_“So what?_ So _maybe_ I should transfer to a fucking school where I can meet a group of friends who aren’t all trying to fuck each other!” Ray yelled, and from the hallway everyone’s face said yikes all over it. He wasn’t exactly wrong.  
  
Ryan’s hands came up to his face, frustration getting the better of him. It was like arguing with a child, Ray didn’t want to hear that his mother was manipulating him, coercing him even. Why couldn’t he listen to reason?  
  
“God! Maybe you should, then! Fucking go, if that’s how you feel!” Ryan yelled, and if he could reach into the air and pull the words away before they got to Ray’s ears, he would have.  
  
He sighed, running a hand through his hair as Ray glared at him, “I- I didn’t mean-,”  
  
“No. You did, and you know what? Fuck you.” Ray said, staring him down.  
  
Ryan blinked tiredly, “You need some time to clear your head. You should go. Talk to me when you’ve thought this through. All of this.”  
  
Ray said nothing, just stormed out of the room.  
  
All the guys scrambled to get out of the hall as soon as Ryan said he should leave, shoving at each other to get out fast enough. The only person who stayed in the hall was Michael, and when Ray walked past him, he tried to say something, anything.  
  
“Don’t.” Ray said before Michael could utter a single syllable.  
  
Ray stalked out of the house and went back to his apartment. He wanted the walls to cave in on him, he wanted God himself to come down and smite him, he wanted the hot twist of pain in his chest to consume him, but mostly he wanted to fucking go home. If he could drive he’d be in a car headed home to see his dad, and this week would be his first Thanksgiving without him.  
  
Ray hadn’t cried during the fight, but tears rolled down his cheeks now, not so much of sadness but of frustration. He didn’t know who to believe, or who to trust and it was crumbling his foundations. How do you get by in a world where it felt like everyone was lying to you?  
  
He pulled out his phone, not sure what for, maybe to call his dad or text Ryan, but there were messages he hadn’t seen waiting for him on his phone.  
  
**Mom: Just confirmed reservations for 3 tomorrow! I have a flight out the next morning, so no postponing this!**  
  
**Mom: Can’t wait to get to know your little friend better :)**  
  
**Mom: *Boyfriend. :) Dress nicely, it’s a fancy restaurant- my treat.**  
  
Ray sighed and threw himself back on his bed. There was no way he was showing up to this fucking dinner without Ryan. His mother was finally coming around to the idea of him having a boyfriend, a real relationship. He wasn’t gonna fuck up what might be his last chance to show his mom that he could be in a relationship with a guy without it being some kind of sin or punchline.  
  
Which meant, he was gonna have to get Ryan to agree to come with him tomorrow. Fun.  
  
“Fuck my fucking life.” Ray said, discarding his clothes and glasses to let sleep take him away from all this shit. At least he could be thankful that his problems couldn’t follow him into his sleep and bother him there. It was like an escape.  
  
Thank god for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lmao I forgot to put an end note earlier but don't worry I remembered  
> So!!!!!!!!! Now that we have that whole. FUckin thing a whole day late, we have a schedule chaaaaaaange.
> 
> Chapter 29 will be up on **WEDNESDAY** , I'm posting with _**two days**_ of break in between chapters now.
> 
> ALRIGHT THAT's THE END OF THE PSA, i hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, and _as always,_ leave kudos if you haven't already!
> 
> And let me know what you think in the comments!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ♥


	29. Chapter 29

Ray spent the next day in the apartment alone because Michael never came back to the apartment. Ray was kind of glad he didn’t- god knows what he would have said if Michael _had_ come back. Nothing fucking nice.  
  
He seethed at the apartment, biding his time until he inevitably had to talk to Ryan about this fucking dinner. Avoiding it was what he was actually doing, but he was pretending that he was very very busy with Overwatch and definitely not avoiding any confrontations at all.  
  
So he had sat himself firmly in his room for hours, smoked a bit, and promised himself he was gonna do something at least semi-productive in this game if it killed him. He did this and used it to focus all of his anger onto, pretended that there was nothing wrong and he was just really intensely into the game. All bullshit of course, but a few hours of not crying in the bathtub would do him some good, probably.  
  
As the hours inched closer and closer toward dinner time, Ray couldn’t help but want to stall, especially with no one around to make him follow through with his plan. Not that he had one. Because he didn’t have a plan, the closest he came to a plan was “Just don’t fucking yell at anybody and hopefully it’ll be okay.”  
  
And that wasn’t much of a plan at all, considering that he wasn’t sure how good he was going to be at stopping himself from raising his voice.  
  
Still, he walked over to Jack’s place anyway, hands heavy in his pockets and mouth settled into a frown. He was basically walking back there with his tail between his legs for this stupid dinner, so he hoped it was worth it. He glanced at his phone before he knocked on the front door- he had about an hour to convince Ryan and then get ready. Fuck.  
  
So he knocked.  
  
Surprisingly, Ryan was the one who answered the door for once, which was not at all something that Ray expected because Ryan never answers the fucking door. Ray immediately felt like he had shown up to a debate and dropped all of his notecards everywhere- his mind went into “Oh shit, what?” mode. This was already a bad start.  
  
“What are you doing?” Ray rushed out, his brain having scattered so he just said what he was thinking.  
  
Ryan looked on in confusion, “Uh. Answering the door.”  
  
“Fuck, that’s not-,” Ray sighed, “I need a favor.”  
  
Ryan eyed him suspiciously, “O…kay? Are you going to apologize or-?”  
  
“I can’t- I.” Ray took a deep breath. This whole time he had just been staring over Ryan’s shoulder, avoiding his gaze. He looked at his face now, “I’m not ready to apologize. Right now I just- I need my boyfriend.”  
  
“Where was _my_ boyfriend when you were yelling at me last night?” Ryan said, crossing his arms.  
  
“I’m _right here.”_ Ray said, sighing, “Ryan, I want to believe you, I don’t fucking want anything else more in the world right now than to believe you, but I’m really just. Confused. And hurt-,”  
  
“You don’t think that _I’m_ fucking hurt? Or confused?” Ryan interrupted.  
  
“Does it _look_ like I know anything about what the fuck is going on right now?” Ray said, his voice starting to get louder, so he reigned it in.  
  
“You seemed pretty sure last night, y’know, when you shoved your best friend onto the ground and embarrassed us both in front of everyone-,” Ryan said, glancing behind himself and closing the door behind them.  
  
Ray interrupted, “I _know-_ I know that I’m impulsive and aggressive and, yeah I shouldn’t have hurt Michael, no matter what’s going on between you-,”  
  
“There’s _nothing_ _going on-,”_ Ryan cut him off, but Ray continued.  
  
“But just hear me out, what would you fucking think if someone you trusted told you what my mom told me? What the fuck am I supposed to think?” Ray asked, and Ryan moved forward into his space.  
  
“You’re supposed to trust _me._ Why won’t you trust _me?”_ Ryan said quietly but harshly, and Ray has to look away.  
  
“I don’t want to get hurt by you.” Ray whispered and Ryan sighed, running a hand through his hair as Ray sniffled to himself. No more crying, there’s been enough crying.  
  
They’re silent for a minute after that, Ryan unsure of what the hell he was supposed to do about this stupid boy he loved so much.  
  
Eventually he sighed, “What’s the favor?”  
  
Ray looked up again, hopefully, “Really?”  
  
“Just- what is it?” Ryan asked impatiently.  
  
“My mom-,”  
  
“Fuck,” Ryan let out, a hand coming up to rub at his temples, “the dinner?”  
  
“It’s important to me. I just want her to see that I can have a real relationship with a guy, I just. If I show up without you she’ll never believe it.” Ray said quietly, looking away from Ryan’s stare.  
  
“She’s not who you think she is, Ray. She’s being fake, waiting around to steal you away. You think that all the things she told you were _coincidences?”_ Ryan said, exasperated.  
  
“Stop, I can’t do this right now. Yes or no?” Ray asked, looking at Ryan again.  
  
Ryan put his hands to his face, running them through his hair again, and sighed, “Yes.”  
  
“God, thank you,” Ray let out, relief filling him from head to toe.  
  
“Right. What time?” Ryan asked dryly and Ray looked at his phone.  
  
“In like half an hour. We’re supposed to pick her up at her hotel,” Ray said, already walking away to go get ready at his apartment, “It’s a fancy-ass restaurant so no t-shirts this time.”  
  
Ryan snorted as he watched Ray leave. He was going to use this stupid dinner to make Ray see his mother for who she really was, though he wasn’t sure she would need much help. Because she’s awful.  
  
Ryan sighed and went back inside, only to find that Gavin and Michael were pressed up against the door, trying to listen in.  
  
“Seriously?” Ryan said, and Gavin let out a ridiculous laugh while Michael just shrugged.  
  
“We’re going with you,” Michael said, and Ryan shook his head in confusion.  
  
“What do you mean you’re coming with me? To the dinner?” Ryan asked, and they both nodded.  
  
“Ryan, we’ll be backup in case something goes awry, Ryan,” Gavin said and Michael just giggled, put an arm around Gavin’s shoulders.  
  
“I actually just want to key her car, but sure what Gavin said,” Michael chuckled out, and leaned in to nip at Gavin’s neck, Gavin stretching out a bit to give him better access.  
  
“Uh-,” Ryan started, tracking Geoff as he walked into the room, and Michael interrupted.  
  
“Don’t worry we’re gonna go in a separate car- hey Geoff can you secretly tail Ryan’s car tonight for me?” Michael said in a sweet voice and Geoff chuckled.  
  
“Sure princess, where the fuck are we going?” Geoff replied from across the room, and now Jeremy and Jack were interested in the conversation.  
  
“I’m gonna fuck up Ray’s mom’s car. Because she’s a cunt and I hate the ground she walks on,” Michael said, elaborating for everyone.  
  
“I’m in,” Geoff said, and Jack laughed.  
  
“I definitely have to see this,” Jack said, and Jeremy got a huge grin on his face.  
  
“Roadtrip!” Jeremy yelled and everyone laughed like this whole thing was less serious than it was.  
  
Ryan actually appreciated their stupid shenanigans taking some of the pressure off of him, and let out a sigh, “Fine do whatever you want, but _you_ can be the one who explains to Ray if he sees you idiots.”  
  
“Rad, when are we leaving?” Michael asked and Ryan suddenly remembered that he still had to get changed.  
  
“As soon as I’m done getting dressed!” Ryan called over his shoulder, closing his bedroom door and looking for the dress shirt he had intended to wear the first time he met Ray’s mother. Funny how quickly things can change.  
  
**  
  
Ryan pulled up to Ray’s apartment and sent him a text to let him know he was waiting downstairs. He looked in the rearview mirror nervously, spotting Geoff’s car not far behind him, and god this was a stupid idea. Ryan had watched them all pile into Geoff’s car, laughing and joking around about surveillance missions and other dumb bullshit. Ryan could see them still laughing in his rearview mirror and- well, at least someone was gonna have a good time tonight.  
  
Ryan was startled by the passenger door opening, too focused on the rearview mirror, and then his breath escaped him when he saw Ray. He had never seen himself as the type to fawn over a guy because of the way they dressed, but _god damn_ Ray looked good in a dress shirt, one button too many undone, exposing his collarbone and the fading hickeys that Ryan had left him.  
  
Ray sat himself in the passenger seat and pulled down the mirror to fix his still-damp hair, “Hey.”  
  
“You look,” _hot, like the love of my life, too good for me,_ “… good.”  
  
Ray’s cheeks heat up, pink from the compliment, “Uh, thanks. You ready?”  
  
Ryan nods, and they take off, Ryan watching Geoff’s car follow after them after a moment. They drove in silence, the only sound being the tinny speakers of his radio playing a song that Ryan nodded along to quietly.  
  
Ray continued fixing his hair in the mirror, letting out a little gasp when he realized how undone his shirt was, and buttoned the buttons, “Couldn’t tell me to button a few more?”  
  
“I liked the view,” Ryan responded easily, and Ray chuckled shaking his head. For a minute it was like things were back to normal, but they both knew that it wasn’t the same, not yet.  
  
“Why did you agree to come with me tonight?” Ray asked after a moment, turning to watch the yellow-orange streetlights light Ryan’s profile, on and off again as they drove through the streets.  
  
Ryan paused, mulling over how to answer the question, “I don’t trust her alone with you.”  
  
“Are you serious? That’s my mom, dude.” Ray said, and Ryan shook his head.  
  
“Which is why I don’t trust her.” Ryan replied.  
  
“What?”  
  
“She’s your mom, and for whatever reason, you think that every word that comes out of her mouth is the gospel truth, but it’s not-,” Ryan started and Ray spoke over him, putting his face in his hands frustratedly.  
  
“Oh my god-,”  
  
Ryan continued as if Ray hadn’t said anything, “Ray, I love you, and a few fucking days ago you loved me too- right up until your mom had something to say about it!”  
  
Ray was silent for a moment, then looked up, staring at the side of Ryan’s face again, “Tell me then, was she lying?”  
  
Ryan took a breath, “She manipulated the truth to make it worse than it was,”  
  
Ray scoffed, “You’re a real jackass if you think-,”  
  
“If I think what? That you could be so easily manipulated? Trust me, I thought you were above it too.” Ryan said coldly, taking a turn a little too harshly on the road.  
  
“Are you calling me stupid?” Ray responded.  
  
“I’m not- it’s like you’re not even listening to me.” Ryan said.  
  
“Fuck you, I don’t even know why I asked you to do this for me,” Ray huffed, crossing his arms and sitting back in his seat.  
  
“Yeah, well I’m starting to wonder why I’m here too.” Ryan said as they pulled into the parking lot of the hotel.  
  
They just sat there for a moment, seething, before Ray got out of the car wordlessly and Ryan followed suit. They walked through the parking lot in silence, entered the lobby and there she was, waiting for them.  
  
“Well don’t you two look handsome!” she said, standing and smiling a wide smile.  
  
“Excuse me,” Ryan said, forgoing the hello to head into the hotel bathroom. He just needed to wash his face and compose himself again. He walked past her briskly, no falter in his steps as he went into the bathroom. He just needed a fucking minute to pull it together, then he could be doting boyfriend again.  
  
Ray’s mom watched as he went into the bathroom, seemingly confused, “Is everything okay?”  
  
Ray moved to sit on one of the lobby couches, his mother settling in beside him. He gulped as he tried to get out an answer that would seem reasonable, “Yeah, no he. Uh we’re just.”  
  
Ray glanced at the bathroom door and figured fuck it, Ryan was here at least so he could afford to ask for a bit of advice from his mother, “Ryan and I- we got in a fight, and I don’t. I don’t know what to do.”  
  
Ray frowned, and sniffled absently as he settled back against the couch, waited for his mom to ask something like _Well what was the fight about?_ Or _Don’t worry mijito, these things have a way of working themselves out._  
  
She didn’t.  
  
“You know what? You’re way too good for him, and he’s dragging you down anyway-,”  
  
“What?” Ray sat up now, staring at his mother like she was a stranger.  
  
“Maybe you guys aren’t meant to be- and that’s not the end of the world! Maybe there’s a nice girl out there, maybe even at A &M, and-,”  
  
“What are you talking about? You _barely know him,_ I- I _love_ him, I just needed. I wanted you to tell me it was gonna be okay- why are you trying to make me break up with him? Why are you bringing up A &M and a nice girl-,” Ray was confused, babbling now everything that he was thinking, everything Ryan had been telling him flashing neon signs in his mind.  
  
“Ray,” she interrupted, tone gone serious, “I think you know it’s time for you to stop whatever experimenting this is-,”  
  
_“Experimenting?”_ Ray rose from his seat, and stumbled backwards, his mother standing and continuing to talk.  
  
“Ray, you need to get serious about dating,”  
  
“I _am_ serious about Ryan. We’re serious. We’re in love.” Ray said quietly and his mother scoffed.  
  
Right at that moment Ryan rejoined them, “Are we ready to go?”  
  
“Mom?” Ray said, reaching for Ryan’s hand and squeezing it. Ryan glanced at him in concern, knew what Ray’s face looked like when he was distressed, and he was definitely upset.  
  
Ray’s mother glanced between them wordlessly, hands clasped so tightly together that the edges of her hands were going white with it. Finally, she leaned down and picked up her purse, walking out of the hotel as she spoke. Ray followed after her with Ryan in tow.  
  
“I can’t do this. I thought that I could still be in your life, but you’re throwing it away.”  
  
“Mom!” Ray said, and they were in the parking lot now, standing in front of the hotel.  
  
She turned to face him dramatically, voice raising, “You’re throwing it away! And for what? _Him?”_  
  
She gestured to Ryan who just held tightly onto Ray’s hand, feeling his racing pulse between his fingers.  
  
She went on, “You aren’t _gay,_ Ray you’re just- you need to find a nice girl who will love you! Because I love you, and you deserve that for yourself!”  
  
Ray shook his head, staring at the ground in disbelief. He had been so stupid to think that things were going to work out between them, that he’d get to have his mom back. Tears welled up in his eyes, but he refused to let them fall, not for her. Not anymore.  
  
“You don’t love me. Because if you did, you’d accept that Ryan loves me. And I love him, and we’re _happy_ mom, we were _fucking happy._ I don’t want to find some nice girl- this shouldn’t be where you draw the line.” Ray said, hands and voice trembling.  
  
_“Mijito,_ are you too dumb to see he’s taking advantage of you! Using you for sex because you’re confused and lonely- like a streetwalker-,”  
  
“Don’t you ever talk about my fucking boyfriend like that, he has more love and compassion in one fucking finger than you have in your entire fucking body, you heinous bitch.” Ray yelled, his blood boiling over with rage for this woman- this fucking stranger.  
  
“What makes you think you can talk to me like that _niño mugroso?_ I am your _mother.”_  
  
“You keep saying that like it fucking means something! Let me let you in on a secret, it means shit to me. If you’re going to act like some fucking cunt who thinks she can control me,” Ray yelled and his mother’s brow furrowed, anger building up, “then that’s what you are- _not_ my fucking mother. I don’t fucking need it and I don’t need you.”  
  
“If you knew what was good for you, you’d shut your filthy cock-sucking mouth right now,” she let out and Ray tried to rush at her, unsure of what he was going to do, but Ryan held him back.  
  
“How could you talk to your son like that?” Ryan said coldly.  
  
She set her sights on him, yelling at the top of her lungs, “Don’t fucking talk to me, you’ve ruined my son, you animal!”  
  
Ryan started to say something but Ray stopped him with a hand on his chest, “No, let her say whatever she wants Ryan, I don’t fucking know this cunt.”  
  
“Ray-,” Ryan started and Ray's mother spoke up at the same time, _“How dare you!”_  
  
“No, you want to think that we’re animals? That we’re filthy sinning homosexuals, guess what- you’re fucking right! And guess what!” Ray said, stepping into his mother’s space.  
  
Ryan grabbed for his hand, tugging lightly to get them out of there before things got out of hand, “Ray, c’mon let’s go,”  
  
“I LOVE SUCKING HIS COCK!”  
  
_Smack!_  
  
The sound of his mother’s hand connecting with his face echoed around the parking lot, and suddenly Ryan was holding back Ray a lot more than before as his mother scrambled away trying to get to her car. Ryan let go and Ray stalked after her rounding the corner just as she let out a yelp as she reached her car.  
  
_“You!”_ she screeched, and when Ray caught up to her, it was to one of the greatest sights he’d ever seen.  
  
Michael was stood with the guys, all leaning against or sitting on the car, happily displaying the word CUNT carved into the sleek black of the car, on every side of the car.  
  
“Oh, I’m sorry, was this _your_ car?” Michael said innocently, and everyone laughed, Ray and Ryan included.  
  
“And _these?”_ his mother yelled, turning to face Ray, gesturing at the guys, “Your miscreant homosexual friends infecting you even more?”  
  
“Hey whoa hey, what the fuck lady,” Geoff said, everyone echoing his words as he hopped off the hood of the car, “No one asked your fucking opinion on our gay orgy seven-way lifestyle,”  
  
“You’re all disgusting,” she said, and spat at Geoff.  
  
Geoff’s face dropped and he grabbed for his phone, taking a few steps back. Jack put a hand on his shoulder, “Who’re you calling?”  
  
“Griffon.” Geoff answered shortly, glaring at Ray’s mother.  
  
“Why?”  
  
“Because I can’t hit a fucking woman and Griffon owes me a favor,” Geoff said and Ray’s mom practically screamed.  
  
“Fine! Live your sinful lives, I’m done associating with you, and Ray-,” she turned to glare at him as she opened her car door, “Don’t even think about transferring schools anymore.”  
  
“You think I want to go live in a shitty college town in your sad empty house! Look around you. These are my fucking friends and I’m not going anywhere.” Ray yelled. She rolled her eyes as the guys whooped and hollered, gathering around Ray, and then she got into her car.  
  
“Yeah, go back to your rich white family and your brand new white son- fifty fifty chance that he’s queer too!” Ray yelled as she pulled away from the parking lot.  
  
“Bye cunt!” Michael yelled, and they watched the car get onto the road and disappear from sight.  
  
Everyone was clapping Ray on the back, but Ryan was more concerned with getting a look at where she hit him, a bruise already forming high on his cheek. Ray swatted his hand away, face too tender to be touched and Ryan sighed.  
  
“I love you.”  
  
“I love you too.”  
  
Ryan cradled his face gently and kissed him slow and deep, with all the words he wanted to say and all the feeling that spilled out of him. Ray wrapped his arms around Ryan’s neck and just breathed him in, grateful to have this back, to have _Ryan_ back. Tears leaked from his eyes but they were happy tears this time, kissing through twin smiles as everyone went, “Awww,”  
  
The guys surrounded them in a group hug, everyone laughing and being stupid, just trying to lighten the mood for Ray, happy they came. They stayed like that for a minute, only separating when Gavin said, “So, are we still gonna have an orgy?”  
  
The guys all pulled away, laughing their asses off as Gavin looked around cluelessly, “Well Geoff’s the one who said it!”  
  
“Don’t worry, moron, you’re still gonna get some tonight,” Michael said, meaning for only Gavin to hear, but of course everyone heard.  
  
“Christ, is everyone fucking somebody except for me?” Geoff whined and the guys laughed.  
  
“Geoff, there’s some things you should just keep to yourself,” Jeremy said.  
  
Everyone stumbled over to their respective cars, already planning on a fuckton of ice cream and pizza and a movie night as a break from all the studying and drama. They agreed to meet back at Jack’s place with blankets and pajamas, and leave all their worries at the front door.  
  
Ryan and Ray got into Ryan’s car and sat there for a moment, Ryan not really sure if Ray was ready to pretend that nothing happened just yet. So he gave him a moment, both of them staring at the starry sky through his cracked windshield and just breathing.  
  
“I’m sorry. I should’ve listened to you.” Ray said after a while, his voice quiet against the hum of the engine.  
  
Ryan took a breath, “Earlier you asked me what I would have done if someone I trusted had said what she did.” Ryan said, and glanced at Ray’s face made silver under the reflection of the moonlight, “I don’t think I would’ve acted any differently. I’m sorry that I ever suggested that you were too stupid to see it.”  
  
Ray sniffled and crossed the bench seat to tuck his head against Ryan’s chest, Ryan wrapping his arms around him as he trembled, not letting sobs wrack through him.  
  
“Do you think I was right? When I said I don’t need her?” Ray whispered after a moment, almost as if it was more meant for himself than for Ryan.  
  
“I think about those times you stumbled into the wrong classroom, the wrong bedroom, so often, and I wonder what had control over those moments to bring someone as life-changing as you into my lap. I don’t know what it was, call it fate or confusion, but I never cease to be thankful that you walked in the wrong door- twice.” Ryan said after a moment, rubbing Ray’s shoulder as he spoke.  
  
“Ray, I’ve seen you go through so fucking much this year, and I’ve seen you come out the other side stronger, happier, and ready to tackle whatever came next. And you did it extremely well, better than I could ever have hoped to do in facing those things.” Ryan said, a hand carding through Ray’s hair soothingly.  
  
“And you did it alone. Not with her, not with me, or Michael, or anyone else. You are incredible and braver than you know- and you don’t need anyone. Let alone her.” He finished.  
  
Ray looked up at him with shining eyes, “Thank you.”  
  
He leaned up and kissed him, and they stayed in the car like that for a while, Ryan just letting Ray get air back into his lungs. Ryan flipped on the radio and of course- of course it was their song, and they nodded along with tender smiles, exchanging kisses in time with the music.  
  
For a moment they were happy to pretend that time and the outside world didn’t exist, and Ray had Ryan and Ryan had Ray and that was enough, for now anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :''') I made myself real emotional writing this whole chapter, I hope you guys liked it!
> 
> Yes, I'm _fairly certain_ the next chapter is going to be the last one, and it's crazy to me that it's already almost over!  
>  Chapter 30 will be up on Saturday!
> 
> Thanks for reading and as always, leave kudos if you haven't already, and leave me a comment letting me know what you think! ♥


	30. Chapter 30

When Ray and Ryan finally made their way to Jack’s place, the guys were already in a huddle of blankets and pillows and some horror movie. Geoff and Gavin’s shrill screams echoed thought the house when the front door opened, jittery because of the movie. Everyone laughed and Ray and Ryan threw themselves into the pile of blankets, Michael and Jack complaining that they should take off their shoes at least as they did- so they did.  
  
Ryan cuddled himself into Ray, putting his head on Ray’s lap so that Ray could stroke his fingers through his hair softly. Ray wanted to pay attention to the movie, he really did, but he couldn’t help but take a mental step back and appreciate what he had there.  
  
Even when he had been a shithead, everyone came to back him up tonight, all of his friends. Ray glanced over each of them, and felt warmth flooding through him- and if there was a floodgate holding back his feelings before, it had certainly swung open by now. He looked at where Michael was entwined with Gavin, giggling quietly to each other- Gavin’s hand tightening around Michael’s waist every time the movie got creepy. Jack, Geoff, and Jeremy all squished together using the back of the couch to lean against, fighting for a bag of gummy bears. Ryan nestled in his lap, the warm hum of his breath familiar and calm.  
  
It felt like family.  
  
“I love you guys,” Ray said suddenly, just to stop the tightness in his throat.  
  
The guys let out an _aww,_ giggling, and Geoff said, “Ray’s gone soft on us, guys.”  
  
“I’m serious,” Ray said softly, and Ryan grabbed for his hands, kissed his knuckles.  
  
“I know. We love you too, you fuckin’ brat.” Geoff said, leaning forward and ruffling Ray’s hair playfully, a twinkle in his eye that made Ray feel like he wanted to cry.  
  
“Yeah well I fucking hate all of you,” Michael said, and everyone laughed, throwing gummy bears- all except for Gavin who squawked indignantly and dodged the flying bears.  
  
“And _me,_ Michael!?” Gavin yelped, “Why don’t you like me, Michael?”  
  
Michael chuckled nervously, “I- I like you fine, Gav,”  
  
“Wow, Michael, we see how it is,” Jack replied jokingly, crossing his arms.  
  
“Yeah, Gavin’s barely a person and you like him more than us?” Jeremy said, tossing more gummy bears.  
  
_“What!”_ Gavin yelled, and everyone laughed.  
  
“You’re like, seventy percent bird, twenty percent brit, and… _maybe_ ten percent person,” Ryan laughed out, sitting up now and putting an arm around Ray’s shoulders.  
  
“Brits are people!” Gavin yelled, “Why is everyone attacking me?! Michael’s the one who-,”  
  
“Oh my god, don’t make them turn on me again you idiot!” Michael said, grabbing Gavin by the shoulders and shaking him, laughing.  
  
Then everyone had a handful of gummies and chips, pelting the two of them and laughing as they yelled, Michael taking most of the blows by covering Gavin with his body.  
  
_“Run, Gavin, run!”_ Michael yelled and then they were up and running, everyone laughing as they barricaded themselves with blankets in the kitchen.  
  
The guys laughed it off and continued watching the movie, Ryan and Jeremy yelling at the characters for not knowing what to do while Geoff and Jack referenced movies that no one pretended to know the names of. Ray just smiled, and as the movie ended, they sent him to go get Michael and Gavin out of the kitchen and find out where they were gonna stay tonight.  
  
Ray chuckled as he got to the kitchen, they had made a blanket fort by hanging the blankets over the gaps between the counters, and it actually wasn’t that bad.  
  
“Hey assholes,” Ray said, grabbing one of the blankets and yanking it out of the way.  
  
He was honestly half prepared to witness Michael and Gavin mid-fucking on the kitchen floor, or something similar, but he felt like he was intruding way more on what was actually going on beneath the blanket. Michael had an arm around Gavin and they were murmuring quietly to each other, all blushy smiles and soft touches.  
  
Michael coughed and pulled his arm away when Ray pulled the blanket up, but Gavin just beamed up at him, “Ray! Did you know my boi Michael loves me?”  
  
“Uh-,”  
  
“Shut u- I- I never said that,” Michael said, blushing more.  
  
“Oh Michael, you didn’t have to say anything,” Gavin said and kissed him on the cheek, causing Michael to tuck his head into Gavin’s shoulder and bemoan the whole situation, groaning.  
  
Gavin just giggled and pulled him in closer, and Ray chuckled, happy that Michael finally took his advice and bit the bullet- let Gavin know what he was feeling.  
  
“Okay lovebirds- get it? Michael’s the love Gavin’s the bird-,” Gavin squawked at him and Ray continued, “Anyway, Geoff wants to know if you’re leaving or what.”  
  
“Oh is the movie over? Bye,” Michael said, taking Gavin by the hand and pulling him toward the door.  
  
“Yeah. The movie’s over,” Ray said to himself, leaning against the wall as he watched them go.  
  
It felt like a whole lot more was over as well, and he was stuck on that feeling- like the credits were rolling somewhere for this, for him. That tightness in his throat came back, like he was having nostalgia for the semester already, though it wasn’t over for another week or so. But who could blame him for feeling a preemptive tug at his heart at the idea of leaving this little haven that had almost fucking killed him this year? He’d be back of course, and he’d have Michael at home, but the idea of waiting… It felt surreal. Like he wasn’t the only one waiting, but he and every particle of dust that flitted through the air were on pause, hovering just out of focus for the breath of clean air to kickstart things again.  
  
He’d be back in spring, Ray reassured himself.  
  
Ryan found him in the kitchen and lazily wrapped his arms around him, he had already changed out of his dress clothes and was wearing that hoodie that Ray had stolen. Ray breathed in the scent and filed it away in his mind as Ryan kissed his temple.  
  
“What has you all dazed?” Ryan said.  
  
“I feel like I just finished reading a book.” Ray said vaguely, and then turned in Ryan’s arms to face him, “Y’know? When you finish a book and it feels like you just stepped out of another place?”  
  
Ryan hummed in agreement, “I know the feeling.”  
  
Ray let out a breath, glad he was able to put it into words, “I’m gonna miss this place.”  
  
“It’s not going anywhere.” Ryan said.  
  
Ray let out a breath as he traced the details of the house in his mind, “I am.”  
  
Ryan’s arms tightened a little more around Ray’s waist, “It’ll be here waiting for you whenever you want to come back. And so will I.”  
  
“I hope you’re right.” Ray said quietly, wringing his hands listlessly.  
  
Ryan stilled Ray’s hands with his own and turned Ray around to face him, “I am.”  
  
Ryan leaned in and kissed him, and Ray was going to miss this most of all. Even on the cusp of December, with the chilled air encircling the house in a cold embrace, Ryan always kissed him warm. It crashed over him in phases, spreading from his fingertips, and the hidden spaces behind his ears until it had him completely in his grasp. He looped his arms around Ryan’s neck while Ryan pulled him closer by his waist and, god, nothing would ever be better than this. This, for sure, he would miss and crave and dream about.  
  
Ryan pulled away, forehead still pressed to Ray’s, “Are you staying here tonight?”  
  
Ray nodded, still staring at Ryan’s kiss-bitten lips, “Mhm.”  
  
“Bed?” Ryan asked.  
  
“Bed.”  
  
Ryan pulled Ray toward his room and Ray followed, hand sneaking their way under Ryan’s hoodie to get at warm skin, scritching gently at his shoulder blades down his spine, and Ryan shivered as they crossed the threshold to his room. He backed Ray into the door, pulling his hips flush against his own and kissed him senseless. Ray indulged in the slick warmth of Ryan’s mouth hot on his, breathed in the familiar breath they were sharing. He licked into Ryan’s mouth distractedly, hands going for his own pants to get them undone- made difficult by how tightly they were pressed together.  
  
Ryan pulled away with a gasp, and helped Ray get his pants off, both of them a tangled mess of fabric and limbs as they pulled at each other’s clothes. They tumbled onto the bed, Ryan in just his underwear and Ray still in his dress shirt and boxer briefs.  
  
Ryan straddled Ray and kissed him, forever seeking the sparks that come when their lips meet, and continued kissing down his jawline. Ray breathed heavily, hips pushing up to meet Ryan’s as he unbuttoned Ray’s shirt, kissing further and further down as he exposed more skin with every undone button.  
  
Ryan finished unbuttoning his shirt and pressed a kiss to the outline of Ray’s cock where it was trapped beneath his boxer briefs. Ray whined at the contact as he pushed the dress shirt off of his shoulders and let it fall off of the bed. Ryan mouthed at his dick through his boxers, hands running up and down his thighs lightly, setting Ray’s spine alight with tingles.  
  
“God, I can’t ever get enough of you,” Ray breathed out and hauled Ryan up to kiss him once more.  
  
Ryan hummed between their mouths and pulled away, leaning down to bite at his thighs and kiss marks into his skin- the message _mine_ etching into Ray like a brand fresh from fire. He slipped his fingers underneath Ray’s waistband and pulled, Ray lifting his hips so Ryan could pull them fully out of the way.  
  
_“Fuck,”_ Ray breathed out as Ryan licked up his length, simultaneously reaching for the lube on the bedside table.  
  
Ryan coated his fingers and pressed into Ray’s entrance, his other hand guiding Ray’s cock into his mouth, jacking his length slowly as he sunk over the head of his cock. Ray whined high in the back of his throat, the push of Ryan’s fingers burning but mixing idly with the pleasure of Ryan hollowing his cheeks as he suckled on the head of his cock.  
  
Ray’s hands went for Ryan’s hair, threading through the strands easily, and he guided Ryan’s head as he bobbed over Ray’s length leaving him spit-slick and heated.  
  
“What are you _doing_ to me,” Ray said, breathless as his thumb brushed over Ryan’s bottom lip, plush and pink.  
  
Ryan pushed another finger into him and swallowed Ray down to the base at the same time, and Ray was practically writhing beneath him, colors melting into sounds in his mind and he moaned, “Yes, yes, _please,”_ right as Ryan brushed against that sweet spot inside of him.  
  
Ryan scissored his fingers inside of Ray, pulling sweet moans from him with the stretch of it, and then pulled off of Ray’s cock obscenely, mouth dripping and swollen and delicious. Ray pulled him up the bed after he slipped his fingers out from inside him and kissed the slick of his lips, sucking on his tongue fervently like it was all he needed.  
  
Ryan pulled away, short of breath and flush rising high on his neck, and Ray immediately went for a tendon in his neck that jutted out just oh-so-salaciously, sucking a mark there that would stay for days. Ryan gasped, hand going for the back of Ray’s neck and holding him there, and fuck he could get used to this- but god how could he get used to this?  
  
Ryan hummed as Ray pulled away, and he pressed their foreheads together, Ray’s eyes hazed over with lust as he met them with his.  
  
“Yeah?” Ryan asked, a breathless question of permission.  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
Ryan reached over to the nightstand, but Ray caught his wrist before he opened the drawer.  
  
“I don’t- not, not this time,” Ray said, quiet.  
  
Ryan dropped his hand and Ray fiddled with the waistband of Ryan’s boxers while he waited for Ryan’s response, “Are you… are you sure?”  
  
“I’m clean. Are you clean?” Ray responded, speaking to Ryan’s chest.  
  
“Yeah but-,”  
  
“I want to _feel you._ Please,” Ray implored, looking into Ryan’s eyes again now, and fuck. Fuck if Ryan could ever say no in a million years to that face.  
  
“Okay, okay,” Ryan withdrew his hand from the dresser and Ray pulled him in for another kiss, yanking Ryan’s boxer briefs out of the way as they collided onto the mattress, skin on skin slick with the sheen of sweat.  
  
Ryan pressed Ray into the mattress with his weight, hands framing Ray’s face gently as he kissed him, teasing and soft. Ray kissed back with everything he had, hands on Ryan’s ass to pull him flush against Ray’s hips so their cocks slotted together just so. Ryan thrusted against him breathlessly, not enough of the sweet friction and then pulled away and sat back, popping the cap of the lube open.  
  
He poured lube into his hand and slathered it over his cock generously, jacking himself a bit as Ray tried to catch his breath. Ryan watched Ray’s cock drool precome over the flat expanse of his stomach, eyes trailing up to his gorgeous mouth, and those eyelashes.  
  
“You are stunningly gorgeous,” Ryan let out breathlessly, hand stroking over his length as his eyes traced the lines of Ray’s skin contrasting with the bed, “god, I love you.”  
  
“I fucking love you,” Ray said back immediately, sitting up and kissing at Ryan’s stomach flittingly, like butterflies landing.  
  
Ryan pushed him back onto the bed and got between Ray’s thighs, “Are you sure?” Ryan said as the tip of his cock brushed teasingly around Ray’s entrance.  
  
“Yes.” Ray said, and with that Ryan pressed in slowly.  
  
“Fuuuck,” Ryan moaned, the sensation of it heady and almost dizzying, “God, you’re so _tight,”_  
  
Ray was breathless, couldn’t speak as Ryan pushed into him slowly, finally bottoming out and punching the breath out of Ray in the process. Ray whimpered and Ryan kissed at his neck, entranced by the heat of Ray around his cock.  
  
Ray’s fingers traced swirls over Ryan’s back, sure to leave pink lines in their wake, just trying to adjust to the stretch of Ryan inside of him- and god it felt too good.  
  
“Fuck, okay, move,” Ray breathed out and Ryan nodded pulling almost all the way out and then pressing back in slowly.  
  
_“Ah,”_ Ray whimpered as Ryan brushed up against his prostate, wrapping his legs around Ryan’s waist and pulling him in even further, _“yesss,”_  
  
Then Ryan was setting a steady pace, thrusting in and out of Ray easily, and letting out a litany of moans that were half words and praises, slipping out of his mouth like gravity was pulling them out of him. Ryan spoke the words into Ray’s mouth while Ray was breathing a mantra of Ryan’s name, louder with every brush against his prostate.  
  
“God- Ray, _fuck-_ I, _ah,”_ Ryan groaned, lost in the mirage of lust and love.  
  
_“Ryan, Ryan, Ryan- Ryan!”_ Ray whimpered out, practically mewling as he attempted to meet Ryan’s thrusts with the movements of his own hips.  
  
Ray’s fingernails clawed down Ryan’s back on a string of particularly well-aimed thrusts, brushing against the bundle of nerves. “God _ple-e-ease,”_ Ray moaned, eyes nearly tearing up from the assault of pleasure over him.  
  
Ryan kissed him, and then picked up the pace, hips slamming against Ray hard and unforgiving and Ray was writhing beneath him, gasping as he was pushed closer and closer to the edge in the cloud of senseless desire.  
  
“Oh- god, fuck- _ah, Ryan,”_ Ray whimpered and then came, spilling over his abdomen messy and sticky and god he could barely fucking move.  
  
Ryan wasn’t far behind him, entrapped in the heat of Ray and came with a, _“Ah!”_ spilling into Ray. Ray moaned at the feeling of Ryan emptying into him, clenched and could feel Ryan’s come inside of him.  
  
Ryan pulled out slowly, Ray groaning as he did, and then went to go get a wet washcloth to clean Ray up. Ryan came back and used the warm washcloth to soothe over Ray’s skin, moving Ray easily, malleable from the orgasm. Ryan finished and then tossed it in the hamper, and curled up into bed with Ray.  
  
Ray was humming a tune, low and soft, but Ryan recognized it and nuzzled into Ray’s neck further. “You and that song.”  
  
“It’s our song,” Ray whined, voice hoarse.  
  
Ryan hummed, “Yeah. Yeah it is.”  
  
Ryan pulled the comforter over them, and settled into the warmth of Ray’s back, arms soothing around Ray’s middle. He kissed Ray on the cheek and fell asleep.  
  
Ray could still feel the credits rolling, hear their song playing.  
  
He stared out of Ryan’s window and watched the stars, his drifting eyelids making the stars melt into the sky like mixing paints. The colors reminded him of Ryan’s eyes, and god, he didn’t think that he could love anyone more than he loved Ryan. There was nowhere he would rather be and no blue he would rather love than the blue of Ryan’s eyes. He looked around in the darkness and wanted to remember where Ryan’s room faced so he could picture his bed when he closed his eyes at home.  
  
Ray turned in Ryan’s embrace and curled himself into Ryan’s chest. If walking into the wrong room a few months ago had got him here, he couldn’t imagine what walking into the right room would feel like with Ryan by his side. But if he shut his eyes really tight and breathed in Ryan’s scent, he could almost picture a little house somewhere, a living room and the smell of warm coffee with the morning news, shining blue eyes with more smile lines around them than now.  
  
Ray breathed deeply and put his glasses on the nightstand, nuzzling easily into the pale expanse of Ryan’s warm chest.  
  
Yeah, that sounded nice. Sounded like love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sitting here completely in awe of this finished work, I'm so fucking emotional right now.
> 
> I can't thank you guys enough, without your comments urging me to keep going this definitely would not have managed to finish in one summer, and I'm extremely grateful to everyone who commented, gave kudos, or even you silent plenty who just simply read what I put out this summer- you guys are the fucking best and **THANK YOU ♥**
> 
> If you read through this whole thing you're crazy and amazing and I hope you liked this final chapter, thank you for reading.
> 
> Here's my [tumblr](http://podcastandkill.tumblr.com/) for those of you who are curious and fuck just, thanks again guys I'm not fucking crying I swear to god. ♥♥♥♥♥♥
> 
> AND AS ALWAYS! leave kudos you beautiful bastards if you haven't already, and talk to me in the comments! Love y'all!


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